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Old 09-09-2010, 07:46 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default non-sexual emotional connection

As the result of another thread....

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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
LR, its funny I remember you and I talking about this previously. At that time I would have written no. Not at all. I was beginning to believe I was not Poly, and finding another would never happen.

I think overall, Poly has been worth it. Pengrah naturally fits the mold and its good to see her so happy and excited over someone. In my case, it does feel natural. An extension of what I was already doing.

I had lots of female friends, I doted over them all, treating them like girlfriends, but never getting that reciprocated. And honestly never expecting it. I just like to treat the women in my life well. But it did come to a head at one point, when one of them said "I like having you around, you are like having a boyfriend, but I don't have to fuck you"...needless to say that hit me the wrong way. Thats when I realized I love, loving other people. But that I needed to start enjoying people that may love me back.

I have found someone to hopefully do that. Only time will tell

Poly has been one of the most tumultuous lessons in my life, but one of the best as well.
Ari, I'm disappointed. I thought I could be friends and I could treat another as I would a boyfriend and not have sex with them. This is the relationship I have with my non sexual boyfriend and it works for us. Maybe its about talking about it and agreeing to it? You mean you and I, who the capacity to treat others as if they were our partner would not be able to be friends this way? You wouldn't want that with someone like me because we won't be having sex with me? That's sad, and disappointing. I'm glad to know this as I wouldn't want to invest and find out that it was for nothing. How can one tell ahead of time.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-10-2010 at 07:14 AM.
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Old 09-09-2010, 08:02 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Ari, I'm disappointed. I thought I could be friends and I could treat another as I would a boyfriend and not have sex with them. This is the relationship I have with my non sexual boyfriend and it works for us. Maybe its about talking about it and agreeing to it? You mean you and I, who the capacity to treat others as if they were our partner would not be able to be friends this way? You wouldn't want that with someone like me because we won't be having sex with me? That's sad, and disappointing. I'm glad to know this as I wouldn't want to invest and find out that it was for nothing. How can one tell ahead of time.
You misread what I said..and maybe its how I wrote it, sorry, I was under some stress this morning. I can do that and still do do that, but it made me realize something I was missing. Hence one reason why I found poly.

I still have all those friends and have a non sexual boyfriend type relationship with a couple of them. It just helped me clue over to something I had been seeking a along.

Keep in mind another distinct difference to any non sexual connected relationship I have vs what I have with these girls. They were making use of my kindness as a supplement during times when they didn't have boyfriends. It was a situation where I was simply good enough to have around. Poly changes that dynamic greatly. They think as monos. We think as poly's ...when they found a bf, they didn't have a use for me anymore and I was tossed aside until such a time as they needed a supplement boyfriend again.

Hope that makes sense

Last edited by redpepper; 09-10-2010 at 07:19 AM.
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Old 09-09-2010, 08:37 PM
lisbeth lisbeth is offline
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RedPepper, I really feel what you are saying, I also thought that I could have a non-sexual partner, and it worked well for about a year. Then things started to deteriorate between us, and recently we did get sexually involved to a degree, not sure if it was a last ditch attempt to reconnect or a realization that things were over so why not push boundaries. We just broke up and I'm hurting a whole lot.

Right now, I'm telling myself that "next time" I'll stay on the friendship level and NOT bring in the emotional and/or sexual component. The deep connection and intimacy that I crave is very satisfying when it works, but heartbreaking when it falls apart or when the other person's needs change, and I really don't want to deal with all that drama ever again.
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Old 09-09-2010, 08:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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One of the girls I mentioned, I still have a strong emotional connection but non sexual (she never used me as a surrogate). Our ex as well. (although it WAS sexual but isn't now)...I wonder how many people have these in their lives already.

Last edited by redpepper; 09-10-2010 at 07:25 AM.
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Old 09-09-2010, 08:49 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I still have a strong emotional connection but non sexual ...I wonder how many people have these in their lives already.
I have. I have had a few of those types of relationships/friendships.

I had one where if you looked at it from a purely time standpoint - she was my primary and our husbands were our secondaries

I miss that deep connection with another woman. That friendship that binds us regardless of other people.

Its part of why I wanted poly... I'd already been doing it
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-10-2010 at 07:27 AM.
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Old 09-09-2010, 08:49 PM
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I have a very dear friend who I have never been sexually involved with at all and it still felt like a really painful breakup when she got into a relationship and overnight basically changed the nature of the relationship we had with each other. We're finding our footing again now but I doubt that the closeness we had will ever be there again and that makes me a little sad.
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Old 09-09-2010, 09:21 PM
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Yes that makes sense Ari, thank you. I get what you mean about them not having boyfriends and using you. Entirely different than what I was getting. Thanks for clarifying.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-10-2010 at 07:28 AM.
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Old 09-10-2010, 07:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lisbeth View Post
RedPepper, I really feel what you are saying, I also thought that I could have a non-sexual partner, and it worked well for about a year. Then things started to deteriorate between us, and recently we did get sexually involved to a degree, not sure if it was a last ditch attempt to reconnect or a realization that things were over so why not push boundaries. We just broke up and I'm hurting a whole lot.

Right now, I'm telling myself that "next time" I'll stay on the friendship level and NOT bring in the emotional and/or sexual component. The deep connection and intimacy that I crave is very satisfying when it works, but heartbreaking when it falls apart or when the other person's needs change, and I really don't want to deal with all that drama ever again.
wow, that sucks... thanks for sharing that. I wonder sometime what could be, but I know that if he and I ever crossed that line, there would be a lot of people influenced, including us. I can't say that it's worth it either way as I don't know... it's like deciding to have a child, when you don't have one and have considered it, it will always be a mystery if it is worth having one just to find out, and when you do it's too late, because you have one now. I feel this way about my nsfb. Most of the time not though, we have so much to share and I know he loves me in the way that he is suppose to as I do him. It makes my heart sing, just as it is... Time will tell though I suppose.
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Old 09-10-2010, 07:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lisbeth View Post
RedPepper, I really feel what you are saying, I also thought that I could have a non-sexual partner, and it worked well for about a year. Then things started to deteriorate between us, and recently we did get sexually involved to a degree, not sure if it was a last ditch attempt to reconnect or a realization that things were over so why not push boundaries. We just broke up and I'm hurting a whole lot.

Right now, I'm telling myself that "next time" I'll stay on the friendship level and NOT bring in the emotional and/or sexual component. The deep connection and intimacy that I crave is very satisfying when it works, but heartbreaking when it falls apart or when the other person's needs change, and I really don't want to deal with all that drama ever again.
wow, that sucks... thanks for sharing that. I wonder sometime what could be, but I know that if he and I ever crossed that line, there would be a lot of people influenced, including us. I can't say that it's worth it either way as I don't know... it's like deciding to have a child, when you don't have one and have considered it, it will always be a mystery if it is worth having one just to find out, and when you do it's too late, because you have one now. I feel this way about my nsfb. Most of the time not though, we have so much to share and I know he loves me in the way that he is suppose to as I do him. It makes my heart sing, just as it is... Time will tell though I suppose.
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Old 09-10-2010, 06:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
They were making use of my kindness as a supplement during times when they didn't have boyfriends. It was a situation where I was simply good enough to have around. Poly changes that dynamic greatly.
There's something here that I find kind of disturbing.

Now, there is something about the way that many people do serial monogamy that means that opposite gender friends get dumped when a new relationship comes along. That sucks, and it's really bad behaviour on the part of those people.

But really, nobody owes us anything in exchange for kindness. If one has a friendship, one is kind to one's friend because one values him or her. One isn't being "used" if that kindness isn't rewarded by resulting in a different kind (or length) of relationship. It's up to us to not do things that we'll resent if the relationship doesn't develop the way that we'd like.
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