Poly or Problem?

[wildflowers]

Originally Posted by IrisAwakened

.. wondering if you feel this way about Poly because it speaks to who you are as a person, or is it because you are a having issues you are avoiding (perhaps without notice).

Or, to be less negative about it, a marriage might have issues that you are aware of but cannot necessarily solve. Choosing to be poly might help sustain a marriage that has value but is not meeting everyone's emotional needs.

But I completely agree that significant effort needs to be put into maintaining the initial relationship. Although that's true whether you add poly to the mix or not; it's just that the poly can exacerbate it.

I wonder whether it's also tough to know whether a relationship is strong enough to bear the new structure because people tend to change in response to the new relationship. I know the last year has posed a lot of challenges for me and I have changed as a result; I'm lucky in that I think this has strengthened my capacity to have relationships, including my marriage, but I can imagine that such changes could also interfere with a bond.

Not sure that it matters, but I definitely question whether poly "speaks to who I am as a person"; my long-term assumption was the opposite.

[GalaGirl]

How can one tell when they are married, if they are poly or if there are problems in their marriage that they are trying to escape from?

Could also be BOTH. One is poly. AND there are problems in the marriage one is trying to escape from.

It doesn't have to be and "either / or" thing. *shrug*

Last year my husband and I started practicing polyamory. It went wonderfully, I felt so fulfilled and free. He was fine with it as well, although didn't find a partner as soon as I did.

So the poly part is going fine with the other partners then.

A year later and I am contemplating divorce. It's not that I feel like running away with my other partner, I just have completely grown away from my spouse. He's my best friend and a great dad, but I don't feel like being married to him, tied to him romantically, anymore.

Well, that is a risk. The risk of "falling out of love." You can be in monoship or polyship -- that risk is always present.

What needs of yours are not being met by him?

I was blindsided, realizing that perhaps our relationship was flawed and I was blind to it until I put it to the poly test.

Why does it have to be "flawed?" Is it perceived or actual flaw? (Do not have to share details. Just ask yourself that as you sort.)

All relationships come with a clock attached. Even "til death to us part" is an ending. Could it be that it just came to the end of its natural run?

Now I am wondering if I do split from him, will polyamory continue to make sense to me, or was that just an escape?

Again -- can't it be both?

Polyamory makes sense to you. Polyshipping was also a way to avoid dealing with whatever problems there were in the marriage.

You really can't know the future til you are there. So this kind of "what iffing" is not productive. Deal with what is actual and you have on your plate right now -- you have a desire to divorce him.

So... could make a final decision on that and talk to him.

I'm sorry you are hurting. But if your are feeling like it is over between you, talk to him honestly about how you feel. If divorce is what is needed, try to navigate it quick, clean and as peacefully as possible.

Neither of you would benefit from divorce drama.

Move it forward to the healing place for both.

Either together (if you choose to heal the rift/flaw thing) or apart (if you choose to be apart.) Pick what is best for your long term healths.

I want to respect your privacy on details, but that's the best I can do with info given so far. I apologize if it isn't the feedback you need in this hurting time. I do see you are hurting/confused here.

Hang in there,
Galagirl