Broken rules, ill-communication, feelings of inadequacy

[AutumnalTone]

You don't know anything about his drug use--can you say whether or not he uses anything else? Can you say for certain he doesn't also shoot up while sharing needles? Seriously, dude, if you don't know for certain what he does or doesn't do, the responsible course of action is to use as much protection as possible. For me, should my wife do anything so irresponsible as what you've described your wife doing, the course of action would be simple: no sex until he's gone and after getting tested, with protection used for six months or so to make certain he left nothing behind.

As for the lies and such--well, there isn't much of a relationship in the aftermath of that, and certainly not a marriage. There'd have to be a lot of apologizing and serious communicating--and probably serious counseling for her--to keep me from a date with the divorce attorney.

I can see why you'd feel emasculated, because it appears to me she chopped your balls off. That you seem to be okay with that is something I find sad, though it's your life to live. You appear to be bending over backwards to make excuses for her, so I have to wonder why you posted here to get feedback.

[TheBlackSwede]

Ok, now I think you're blowing things further out of proportion than I did.... I'm not so sure it was intentional that she hid the ball on the guys skills - she may have been in denial. We have a very open honest relationship and we talk everything through. One of the reasons she got upset with ME is because I insisted we talk this out so thoroughly, and it made her feel very defensive.

It's not like she went behind my back and then tried to hide it from me... If I asked her to stop seeing him, she'd do so at the drop of a hat.

Furthermore, this is my wife you're talking about. We've all made a few irresponsible choices, and apart from this, she's an amazing woman, who is quite successful and has proven herself time and again to be highly responsible. I'm not going to kick her to the curb because she finally let her hair down and let it go a bit too far.

[redpepper]

Ok SvartSvensk, what is it that you are looking for in this. A lot of us have responded to your thread and a part from a few things that resonated for you, there doesn't seem to be any questions you want answered or opinions that work for you... is there some kind of feed back you DO want? Perhaps starting with that would be better. I think we all have a sense of how we would deal with this, we know how you are so far and a lot of that seems to be different than most of us would so.. now what?

[candi]

Reading down through the post's..it got me to thinking how your wife went wild and broke alot of rules, and cocaine was included in the equation. I had a problem with that, when I was 20 for a year, or so...I'm now 46 and have never touched a hard drug since. After trying that stuff once or twice, you start getting that grinding feeling that you can't wait until the next time you can do it again. I would be very concerned that you could be being lied to on this level also. It doesn't take but a few times, to get a good habit going. Once that happens, she could deside to ditch her "old" life. It could change the wife that you once knew, into someone you don't know at all. Not to say this is what is going on...but Zebra's hang with Zebra's....
I'm not going to delve into the rest of the story, but I would just be careful and keep your eyes open, this kind of situation, and how it's been handled so far, leaves the door wide open for lots of problems..and you don't want that, for your once happy family.... Candi

[Lemondrop]

Originally Posted by SvartSvensk

...RE: STDs - HPV can be spread easily even when wearing a condom - it affects the entire genital region and spreads through skin-to-skin contact. Condoms only cover the penis, not the surrounding area. HPV has even been known to spread through kissing and handshakes. It can also be vaccinated for now (some strains), and we actually HAD HPV almost 10 years ago, but have shown zero signs of it still being in our bodies for the past 5 years, so, yeah, we know HPV sucks... but it's a risk you take even if you DO wear a condom. She assures me that they had a talk about STDs, that he had a test done less than 2 months ago, that he's free and clear, and hasn't been with anyone since the test. Well, other than her....

While it is true that HPV can be spread even with condom use, recent research indicates that condoms are more effective at preventing the spread than previously indicated. Also, the vaccination ONLY works against two forms that cause cervical cancer--the two most common--and only works on women who have not already been exposed. In addition, the vaccination has not been tested for and is not recommended for women over 30. Lastly, the forms spread through kissing and handshakes are not the same strains which cause genital warts and cervical cancer.

I'm certainly glad that he had a test and came up clean, but boy I hope she's not just taking his word for it.

[TheBlackSwede]

My wife is very anti-drug, and is not doing any of them. She even insisted that he not do them around her, and as I said, he says he has stopped altogether... but knowing cocaine like I do (to quote Rick James, "Cocaine is a helluva drug"), I have a hard time believing he's quit altogether after years of use just for someone he's sleeping with.

Redpepper: I guess what I was looking for is an outsiders' perspective on our situation, and insight as to why she did what she did, when it's very out of character for her. Her explanation is that she was a little drunk, and a lot horny. She feels terrible about breaking the rules, and that's one of the reasons she got very defensive when I pressed her for the details. The other is the fact that she didn't want to hurt my feelings by letting on that her lover is a little bit better in the sack than I am, and the reason she didn't tell me initially is that she was still processing the details and not really sure what the truth was. It's amazing how sometimes it can be a grey area.

So far, the replies have been very insightful, and the truth is, I AM more upset by her breaking our trust and our rules than I am by the fact that he's giving her such amazing pleasure. I think the two got wrapped up in my mind and added to my own feelings of inadequacy, and got me wondering, if she's willing to throw everything out the window for this guy, and has better sex than with her husband, what am I doing wrong?

Having talked with her at length, I think the truth is that even though the two of us do have very good sex together, we were kindof in a rut (as many married folk tend to be), she hadn't been with another man in many years, she had been apart from me for a week or two, was very lonely, stressed out from work, very horny, and when she let herself go, she let herself go too far in a huge explosion of pent up passion and sexual energy. She knows that this level of recklessness is unacceptable and has pledged not to let it happen again. ...she's never done this before, in 12 years of us being together, and I have no reason to think she'll break her word and bring upon herself the shitstorm that will ensue if she does it again.

What I'm still undecided on is whether to let her see this lover again. On the one hand, they had a great time together and I know she wants to see him again, so that makes me feel like if I deny her that, it'll just make her want him more... On the other hand, I just don't think he's the kind of guy I want in my home - I'm still coming to a decision on this one. Either way, we're instituting a new rule: When choosing a lover, consider how you would feel about them meeting both of us. Don't choose a lover you would not want me to meet, and vice-versa.

[NeonKaos]

SvartSvensk, you sound like a very special and understanding man and I hope your wife appreciates what she has in you. I also hope your sex life together gets a "jump-start" from this whole experience.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Sex like that does not last. You are the baby daddy. not the lustful stud. You are the one she is attached to. That is long lasting, not what she has with this guy. Who cares if he is good at sex with her. It's new, of course it is good... it is someone she hasn't had before.

I still stand on this then and here is why. I too had this similar experience. That pent up energy, I get that. years of holding it in to raise a child blah blah blah... I get that totally. It's not that she doesn't enjoy you and your sex life, just that its different. Connected, loving, comfy, warm and special... feels good to snuggle into love and sexiness, even if you are fucking like rabbits. This guy is just a good lay. He means little more than pure lust. If she wants more of that, then I would think it very big of you to be able to let her go do that. My husband did that for me and when I sat with several men on dates I just stared at them and felt nothing. I realized that I need depth, connection AND lustful passion.

This could very well be a beginning for her on discovering that. You are an incredibly patient and loving man... very giving. My PN is like that too. Men like you are to be admired. Tell her from me that she has a gem in you and she should be taking care not to damage that for her own good time.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by redpepper

You are an incredibly patient and loving man... very giving. My PN is like that too. Men like you are to be admired. Tell her from me that she has a gem in you and she should be taking care not to damage that for her own good time.

He reminds me of my husband too, just from what I've read here.

[Lemondrop]

Originally Posted by SvartSvensk

...What I'm still undecided on is whether to let her see this lover again. On the one hand, they had a great time together and I know she wants to see him again, so that makes me feel like if I deny her that, it'll just make her want him more... On the other hand, I just don't think he's the kind of guy I want in my home - I'm still coming to a decision on this one. Either way, we're instituting a new rule: When choosing a lover, consider how you would feel about them meeting both of us. Don't choose a lover you would not want me to meet, and vice-versa.

I'm reading this as, give your blessing instead of let her. Honestly, at the very least, if you're uncomfortable having this guy in your home, you have the right and I think it would be reasonable to start the negotiations with that. I don't know if you want to consider her seeing him elsewhere--frankly, I would NOT be understanding of lovers who I didn't feel were safe around my kids--but I think you have the right to ask that he not come to your home.