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  #1  
Old 11-09-2010, 07:34 PM
yul yul is offline
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Default 1st attempt...total shock...need help.

Hello, I really need help.

Here is my first attempt at poly. I soo need to talk about this. I am not feeling well and even my work has been suffering.

Background:

Myself (Male, 35 YO) in LTR 5 years with SO (40YO with 16 YO child). We both come from an alternative background (fetish, kink) and have a fulfilling sex life.
We have occasional 3somes and both rather open minded about sex.

Event:

My SO and I often go to parties (just fetish) and meet quite a lot of people. Nothing serious, just dancing and partying and a little bit of play.

I have been flirting with this 2nd girl on a few occasions. She is married but goes out alone. Clearly living a life of sin.
I felt this was interesting because I thought that it would be possible for me to pursue her without taking excessive risks towards my SO.

I REALLY REALLY like her nevertheless...like you have no idea.

We started emailing and I tried to arrange for a lunch meeting to discuss what I was looking for (only friendship with possible privileges).
Things went too far (email flirting) and had to come clean towards my SO. She was in total shock yet grateful I came clean early.

We have now been struggling with the idea of having her as a "friend" at least for the past few months.

I then bacame insisting on calling Miss 2nd so I could see her but my SO threatened me not to talk to her. My SO said she was too depressed and that she couldnt handle it.
I obeyed but decided to breach my "no email" agreement after a few weeks since I had no intention to cheat and really like my 2nd..even without sex.

My SO atually left me twice over this in the past few months. First time she actually set me up with 2nd so I could cheat on her. Nothing happened.
We spent our very first day together. 2nd did ask for sex that day- I said no but she was OK.

It is the same story ever since. My SO giving me the hardest possible time and me trying to talk to 2nd with the threat of losing my SO.

This is scary...

Miss 2nd is probably tired of this (and so is SO..clearly).

Miss 2nd is also not completely clean in that she did try to make me leave my SO...maybe just out of boredom and pity for us.
This was clearly a mistake but it does not belong to my SO to judge. I believe it was my job to tame the tiger...

I know my SO could adapt to what I want to live but she is either not ready now or REALLY doesnt like Miss 2nd. I do not intend to impose any of them to each other anyways.

I really like my SO to death as well but i am seeing a side of her I dont like. I also do not want miss 2nd to give up on me, which is what I believe my SO is trying to achieve.

She asked if she could do the same to me and I said yes as long as she didnt have sex but that wasn't enough for her.

Help!

Last edited by yul; 11-09-2010 at 08:04 PM.
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  #2  
Old 11-10-2010, 12:40 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yul View Post
Miss 2nd is also not completely clean in that she did try to make me leave my SO...maybe just out of boredom and pity for us.
This was clearly a mistake but it does not belong to my SO to judge. I believe it was my job to tame the tiger...
It might be your job to tame the tiger, but you are playing with fire. A poacher (search for cowgirl as that is a more common term) is exactly as you describe.

Its well within your SO's right to judge, I believe. Someone is trying to swoop in and steal you? And she is married. There are multiple layers of deceit and in the end creates a lot of mistrust. Its going to be tough pill for your SO to swallow and its going to be hard for her to trust the situation.

Quote:
I know my SO could adapt to what I want to live but she is either not ready now or REALLY doesnt like Miss 2nd. I do not intend to impose any of them to each other anyways.
How do you plan to stop them from being imposed. I think I understand your meaning, but even in a very split V they will interact in some ways. You should read through the multiple threads on this forum about V's where the legs do not get along. Its a tough road you are proposing.


Quote:
I really like my SO to death as well but i am seeing a side of her I dont like. I also do not want miss 2nd to give up on me, which is what I believe my SO is trying to achieve.
Like?

It sounds like you SO sees someone who is not trying to join the family but trying to ruin it. You have some work to do to convince your SO this isn't going to happen and that you are with her and trying to expand the family.

Quote:
She asked if she could do the same to me and I said yes as long as she didnt have sex but that wasn't enough for her.

Help!
ummmmmmmmm....ummm...well...sorry you can have someone to be romantic with and I assume eventually you want sex (please correct me if I misread that) and you don't mind if you wife goes off and finds a new man as long as there is no sex?

Thats not really you saying she can do the same thing as you. Thats you saying she can do some of the things you want to do but not all of them

Unless you are trying to put together a sexless romantic relationship

Anyways, I think you SO has some rights to be concerned. Cold hard stop to anything, maybe not, but there are levels of deceit that need to be addressed to make her comfortable again.

Last edited by Ariakas; 11-10-2010 at 12:43 AM.
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  #3  
Old 11-10-2010, 01:02 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yul View Post
Miss 2nd is also not completely clean in that she did try to make me leave my SO...maybe just out of boredom and pity for us.
This was clearly a mistake but it does not belong to my SO to judge. I believe it was my job to tame the tiger...
REALLY! Your girlfriend is trying to break up your relationship with your SO and you believe it's not her place to judge. You don't seem to have much respect for your SO.

Quote:
She asked if she could do the same to me and I said yes as long as she didnt have sex but that wasn't enough for her.
Can you say "Double Standard".
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Old 11-10-2010, 02:57 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Sooo, is this woman a cow girl? And "like" your SO. This is a real mess it seems, so much so I don't really know where to start. Maybe you should do some reading on here and see if you can come up with a clear question or idea of what you need help with... other than a lot more communication and clearer boundaries that is.
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  #5  
Old 11-10-2010, 04:38 AM
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Jodi Jodi is offline
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hi, i know that you are infatuated w/ miss 2. but, how about working w/ ur SO for say 3 months of honest to goodness communication & loyalty towards helping her feel emotionally better...less depressed, not threatened.

maybe she could benefit from an anti-depressant at a dr's suggestion & even counseling. i would be concerned about her health. if you explain this to miss 2, if she is a kind person, she will back-off for a while. if you contact her in a given amount of time, she should have no problem w/ you having some space to clarify your relationship w/ #1.

i think for her to b willing to have sex w/ you, even tho ur SO isn't keen on it...if that's what i read correctly? then, that's wrong. if i read incorreclty, sorry.

good luck. hard to combat lust.
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Old 11-10-2010, 01:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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So far, this sounds like a very awkward approach to polyamory. Your Miss 2nd is married, and cheating? "In sin," as you put it. Right there, she is therefore incapable of poly as it is almost always practiced. Myself, I don't date cheaters.

2nd, did you really mean to say you "like" your SO to death? Odd choice of words.

3rd, no, if you are looking for a friends with benefits, but are telling your SO she can have friends with no benefits, check yourself.

4th as said above, if your established partner needs time to come to terms with this scattershot approach to getting your feet wet in the poly pool it's your responsibility to give her that time, in a loving caring way. Your Miss 2nd needs to respect that. If she can't, she's not the woman for you. If however you throw away your SO for a FWB w some random woman, that's your choice, of course. But you may live to regret choosing a married cheating woman over your actual partner, just b/c you are thinking with your dick. Dicks are great, dicks feel fantastic when aroused, but as mature adults we need to think with both parts, head and genitals. Down, boy.
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  #7  
Old 11-10-2010, 05:52 PM
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Hi, I've read the OP a few times and was hesitant to add anything, due to my newness to this lifestyle. However, in re-reading it again, what I see is that you don't really respect the women in your life as well as you think you do. I would venture to say you might not respect yourself much, either. Additionally, you're afraid of losing both of them, but the way you put it makes them sound like possessions rather than people who are important to you. Plus, you have painted the picture that the whole mess is their faults and you're just a hapless victim trying to have what you want. That's a bit icky.

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Last edited by nycindie; 11-11-2010 at 02:41 AM.
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  #8  
Old 11-10-2010, 07:48 PM
yul yul is offline
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Thanks for your replies.

I agree with the fact that this is a very messy situation and perhaps shameful.

There are additional contextual elements that I have left out for the sake of brevity.

My relationship with my SO was in very bad shape (other than sex) and she agrees with this fact. She basically left me to myself for at least 2 years while she pursued activites that really got me jealous (no cheating though). This is why she is forgiving to my acts I believe.

The "I love her to death" comment was probably inappropriate and understand this now. Should be "'love her soo much".

The cowgirl/2nd was truly cooperating in the beginning but got frustrated after some time since me/SO were not able to set the guidelines and made her
confused. She then decided to let her anger out..

Miss 2nd/Cowgirl is yes married but has a somewhat consensual agreement with her husband. Not sure what it is but she is entirely comfortable with this. The whole scene around us knows this.

So my last attempt is to cut this crap and perhaps maintain a friendship but this will be hard.

Also, I NEVER intended to pursue anything that I would not let my SO do on her side. That was just bad writing on my behalf.

Yes, perhaps I have been disrespectful and recognize that. This is unusual as the situation became very stressful.

I am working with SO right now to put this behind us. I have cut communications with 2nd until my SO decides she wants to go ahead...if ever.

In the end, it wasn't so much about sex....not sure if this is possible in a poly relation. I need to read more.


Thanks

Last edited by yul; 11-10-2010 at 08:53 PM.
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  #9  
Old 11-10-2010, 08:31 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yul View Post
The "I love her to death" comment was probably inappropriate and understand this now. Should be "'love her soo much".


Thanks
Just as a note, I think what through us. Wasn't the till death part.

It was the "like until death"...very strange wording. In fact I have never heard it phrased like that.

Quote:
I am working with SO right now to put this behind us. I have cut communications with 2nd until my SO decides she wants to go ahead...if ever.
Thats awesome, congrats and building the strong foundation will help in any future relationships

Quote:
In the end, it wasn't so much about sex....not sure if this is possible in a poly relation. I need to read more.
Lots of things are possible in poly Poly in the strictest sense simply means to love more than one. What you do with that is your business. Ideally most of us strive for honesty and strive not to hurt those we love

but most of us are human and we fail at it sometimes
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  #10  
Old 11-10-2010, 08:31 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yul View Post
The "I love her to death" comment was probably inappropriate and understand this now. Should be "'love her soo much".
You said you "like" her to death. People were taking issue with you using the word "like", not with you using the word "death".

Quote:
I really like my SO to death as well but i am seeing a side of her I dont like.
So, you meant to say you "like her soo much"?

We still wonder why you use the word "like" instead of 'love" in that manner.
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