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  #21  
Old 09-09-2010, 12:09 AM
RGee91 RGee91 is offline
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lol, damn this PSP! in the time it took me to respond a full conversation broke out lol.
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  #22  
Old 09-09-2010, 12:13 AM
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Originally Posted by RazeGeneration View Post
I understand that, but I'm not sugarcoating either, I gave her the same advice, to not take his NRE personally, but I didn't have to back her in a corner to do so. This was NOT about her view of women, and she said that she had already been feeling neglected, the "goodnight" seems to me to simply be the straw that broke the camel's back.

and I have no issue with bluntness, I just dont think her posts on 1 thread should now follow her everywhere else she posts. Talk about it there or in PM...

In random order, while I cook supper :

- I`ll have to pass on your advice. If we don`t connect the dots on peoples various posts, ( Who they are, Why they think they way the do, What makes them tick ? ) How in the heck do you give advice based on that particular person ?

- As far as I know PM`s are geared towards private matters. Not one thing I said, came from anything other then her public threads.


- Your posts reads as sugarcoated to me, as mine reads harsh to you.

- Backing someone into a corner is what happens when unsolicited advice is given. She solicited the advice. Painting her as a victim, is a bit much.
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  #23  
Old 09-09-2010, 12:32 AM
RGee91 RGee91 is offline
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I never said dont connect the dots, I just think the way you connected them here was irrelevent. It's no different than if one day you're feeling down about a situation involving your loves, and you post for advice and I respond "Well you're wrong because you talked about being blunt the other day and now you're all sad, grow up!"
Because to me, that's the jist of your initial reply
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  #24  
Old 09-09-2010, 12:45 AM
RGee91 RGee91 is offline
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"When we listen with the intent to understand others rather than the intent to reply we begin true communication and relationship bonding."
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When one limits themselves in terms of love, they have missed the point of love altogether ~ RazeGeneration
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  #25  
Old 09-09-2010, 12:49 AM
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Ahhh....Raze : Well she has problems with women. Pretty much all women, I think ? ( I cant see the other threads right now.) as she hasnt found one that matches with what she wants yet. She doesn`t like/trust them.

Her men are dating,.....women. Most of these issues of wanting the bf to cater to her insecurities is because of the woman-loathing.

Again,...she asked if she was being unreasonable, I said she was.
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  #26  
Old 09-09-2010, 07:01 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by RazeGeneration View Post
"When we listen with the intent to understand others rather than the intent to reply we begin true communication and relationship bonding."
^like^

SJ, I get your point, you think she is being controlling and her women hating is influencing her men's decisions and the manner in which they conduct their relationships. But I think she said she hated women out of being in a place of hurting and stuff that happened from her past with her mother... it has lead her to the place she is today and it doesn't make her happy I would guess. I can imagine that it has shaped a whole lot of dynamics in her life, as she has indicated.

Her reaching out to say such a thing was a cry for help to me. I don't agree that taking it out on women and seemingly trying to control her men is the best bet to find happiness, but there was a frustration there that I think is well worth exploring. If she is willing and in her own way. I heard her trying to explore it by admitting her hatred here. I for one am airing on the side of compassion, respect for her journey, and trying to encourage openness rather than stifle it with sarcasm and harshness towards her as she seems to be trying to get to the bottom of her issues.

Because she is female, I took this as a whole hatred thing to mean something other than if a man said it. To me that is self hate, not misogyny, which is hatred of women by men. Okay, there is no definition that says "by men" but I think that is widely accepted more often.

I'm sorry TeJoKo, I know I am talking about you as if you aren't here. I hope that you are managing to work something out.
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  #27  
Old 09-09-2010, 11:53 AM
RGee91 RGee91 is offline
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SJ, she never mentioned hatred of women here, on the contrary she's encouraging him to continue the relationship, she just doesn't want him to forget about her in the process, I completely understand that, as I'm sure you would have as well if this thread had been started by anyone else. But upon seeing it was her, you seem to have intended to reply by "putting her in her place". This is evident by you responding "good" when some1 said you were harsh.

and I agree 100% with RedPepper
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  #28  
Old 09-09-2010, 12:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Everyone who has responded so far has said something potentially useful and relevant to the OP and I'm beginning to think that some of these posts should be moved to the "Forum Sociology and Interpersonal Dynamics" thread.
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  #29  
Old 09-09-2010, 01:34 PM
LoveLeigh LoveLeigh is offline
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Well, To answer the question you posed, in plane words: in this specific situation you were unreasonable. I'm seeing a tendancy over-all to think of jealousy as some complex base emotion when it's really fear. Fear makes a person CRAZY. Out-right bonkers, dude...

So you acted/ are acting nuts (I'm a little concerned about the asking permission bit...) I deal with something like this too, you say goodnight, my hubby & I shower. I get REALLY cranky if I can't see him nekkers with water all over. So this is US time no matter what; visitors are fun but he & I do this (& a couple other things,) at least 2-3 times a week.

Sitting down with the b/f & saying: "I know I'm being a nutter but would you be able to (_insert_need_here_) every night/once a week (whatever's good). It makes me feel sooo good when these things happen & sooo awful when they don't."

It's NOT un reasonable to make a list, mental or paper, of the things that another person does that makes you feel loved. It might help! Have him do one too =) you might be suprised what cute lil thing you think nothing about doing for him/them makes them feel that you love them the best. Frankly, everyone needs to feel that they are the best even if they know it's not just them.

I'm seeing a lot of people focusing on what makes them horrible to be around, but I've yet to see anyone saying look at what this person does to make you feel GOOD then see how you can build on it.

I know you could probablt teach ME a few things about relationships seeing your b/f has stuck about for 2yrs & have probably figured something like this out... but I wanted to toss it into the mix anyway.
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  #30  
Old 09-09-2010, 08:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
^like^

SJ, I get your point, you think she is being controlling and her women hating is influencing her men's decisions and the manner in which they conduct their relationships. But I think she said she hated women out of being in a place of hurting and stuff that happened from her past with her mother... it has lead her to the place she is today and it doesn't make her happy I would guess. I can imagine that it has shaped a whole lot of dynamics in her life, as she has indicated.

Her reaching out to say such a thing was a cry for help to me. I don't agree that taking it out on women and seemingly trying to control her men is the best bet to find happiness, but there was a frustration there that I think is well worth exploring. If she is willing and in her own way. I heard her trying to explore it by admitting her hatred here. I for one am airing on the side of compassion, respect for her journey, and trying to encourage openness rather than stifle it with sarcasm and harshness towards her as she seems to be trying to get to the bottom of her issues.

Because she is female, I took this as a whole hatred thing to mean something other than if a man said it. To me that is self hate, not misogyny, which is hatred of women by men. Okay, there is no definition that says "by men" but I think that is widely accepted more often.

I'm sorry TeJoKo, I know I am talking about you as if you aren't here. I hope that you are managing to work something out.
I agree with talking about her like she isn`t here. Like parents fighting over whats right for their children.... while the child is right there. Not Good.


As for the rest,...Hate is hate. Self-loathing or otherwise. It`s destructive to both the person and the people around them. I can have compassion for why she feels the way she does, but not as a way to excuse it. I am grateful now, that nobody excused my behaviour when I felt much of that same hatred and venom long ago.

As for her 'controlling',..No,..not really my point. Thats but a bit of crust on the bread.


If I didn`t feel she had potential to get past this, I wouldnt bother with the online kick in the ass. I don`t feel much of a need to comment many times. I also don`t expect her to be happy or grateful for my remarks anytime soon. I know most of us that get that kick in the ass, usually react angrily for awhile afterwards.
***

Raze : You are currently missing the point. I also object to your insinuations of why I say anything here. Try reading what is actually said, instead of inserting your own fantasy, soap opera. I already said why I think the words need to sting. You seem stuck on the hand-holding, and thinking I am pulling things out of context.

Let me try explaining this in a different way.

What I see, is people offering band-aid solutions to the symptom of a much bigger problem. Until that bigger problem is dealt with, this type of 'problem' with happen over, and over and over to her. It will keep bleeding.

Every little mistep with the men in her life, will cause her feelings of inadequacy to boil over.

You want to hand hold every time ? Go for it. She already has a husband and a bf who sooth her worries, but those worries are still there.

It is soothing, but ultimately not life-altering in the long run.

***


Ok,..I am preparing for company, and away for many days after that. You will all need to practice throwing darts at my profile or something.


TeJoKo : This won`t be fixed over night, nor with coddling and hand holding. Please DO let yourself keep thinking and exploring,.....it`ll come,..with time.
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