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  #31  
Old 09-02-2010, 08:28 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
But what if they WANT to be used, abused or hurt???
Well, see, then I have to go to all the trouble of arranging a good alibi and that takes a lot of effort...the pay had better be good!
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  #32  
Old 12-02-2010, 01:40 PM
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I know this is an older thread but I'd love to resurrect it...

Struggling now with rules vs boundaries... can't quite figure out the difference...

Hubby and I have our rules.... but they've morphed over the 8 yr relationship (married 6) for example when we started out swinging there was NO KISSING... that's changed...

and while never mentioned until recently we both knew that no one was in OUR bed without both of us being present...

now all our boundaries are being bent and challenged... our rules are needing to be written at least verbally.... and i continue to struggle...
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  #33  
Old 12-02-2010, 08:10 PM
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Thinking about how rules change I've come to realize that it's better to have positive "rules" for the relationship(s) that you're in (for example we will spend x amount of time with each other per week) rather than setting rules out for other relationships that a partner is engaged in (for example no doggy style sex with anyone else). It's always better to work on a relationship that you're a part of rather than trying to control what happens in other relationships.

Not too long ago we had all kinds of rules in place and one day I came to realize that all I really need is to be kept in the loop. What that means is something that is still being defined. Sometimes I don't know that there was something that I wanted to know until it comes up in casual conversation at some point. It's a learning process.

I think that we are allowed to have criteria for ourselves about what we will and won't tolerate a partner of ours doing in a relationship. I think that if you have a partner that wishes to do something that goes against your criteria that it is your responsibility to end things and move on if it's something that you really can't handle. We all have those deal breakers and it's best to be honest about what those are up front so that everyone is on the same page.
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  #34  
Old 12-02-2010, 09:03 PM
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I wrote about this all on another thread recently and on my blog as well. I wrote about the difference between rules, boundaries and compromise. Might help.
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  #35  
Old 12-02-2010, 09:50 PM
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I wrote about this all on another thread recently and on my blog as well. I wrote about the difference between rules, boundaries and compromise. Might help.
redpepper... I read it. TWICE. I will read it again... it still leaves me confused... not your fault... it is my limitations.

lately my head swims....
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  #36  
Old 12-02-2010, 10:25 PM
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WhatamIdoing - don't force yourself to understand - let it seep into your concsiousness... (in other words - sleep on it) let it come to you - understanding intellectually and emotionally are two different things - you might need to understand emotionally before intellectually or vice versa...

myself its a combination of the two - I find that understanding glimmers and gleams and I can't for the life of me 'get it'... until I have a moment that defines it in my heart... weird but that's me :P

either way - stressing about it won't help with the understanding...give yourself a break, it will come... and we are all here for hugs and support until it does (and after it does too :P)
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  #37  
Old 12-02-2010, 10:28 PM
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Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
redpepper... I read it. TWICE. I will read it again... it still leaves me confused... not your fault... it is my limitations.

lately my head swims....
Really? Please ask questions. Its no work of art and is what works for me so what makes sense to me might not make sense to others. I love the challenge of trying to explain, so... Please; ask. If you do so here, please copy and paste the post here for others to know what we are talking about. Thanks
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  #38  
Old 12-02-2010, 11:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
Struggling now with rules vs boundaries... can't quite figure out the difference...
This is the way I have always read it:
Rules = Absolutes, never going to change (ie. no un-safe sex, no cheating, no lies, etc)

Boundries = Limitations based on each partners insecurities or fears and are subject to change and re-evaluation (ie. no overnights if the kids are home, no sex with OP in "our" bed, don't let my friends see you, don't tell me the details afterwards, etc.)
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  #39  
Old 12-02-2010, 11:20 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Really? Please ask questions. Its no work of art and is what works for me so what makes sense to me might not make sense to others. I love the challenge of trying to explain, so... Please; ask. If you do so here, please copy and paste the post here for others to know what we are talking about. Thanks

Ok let me try.

I can say that I have rules the problem is that WE (hubby and I) made them a while ago but that we've changed them so since we d manage to change them I guess they are boundaries based on your definition.

for example

we HAD a rule early on of NO KISSING.
that changed to NO DEEP kissing
that changed yet again and now kissing is allowed

but NO fluid bonding at swing parties is a hard and fast rule.... but when we swing with our friends (we are more poly than swing with these folks as they are our family).... we lift the no fluid bonding rule....

so I guess our rules are really boundaries based on your definition.

the thing is I see compromise as everyone gives a little; some more than others...

I guess what I'm having a hard time with is rules vs boundaries.

I get compromise... DH is doing a lot of that right now and I'm very grateful to him....

we never had to compromise much when swinging... and we had RULES... now it appears that when both of us have the same boundary it's a rule.

for example our hard and fast rules apply to us as a couple....

no one in the marital bed without both partners
no lying
no cheating
no ongoing flirtations or dating without your partners knowledge and consent.


we are having everything as we know it tested now with the addition of J to our lives....

I am sure that the next big issue will come up with overnights...
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  #40  
Old 12-03-2010, 03:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
now it appears that when both of us have the same boundary it's a rule.

for example our hard and fast rules apply to us as a couple....

no one in the marital bed without both partners
no lying
no cheating
no ongoing flirtations or dating without your partners knowledge and consent.
Good points. a rule for you is when you both have the same boundary. The thing is that those that you invite to be in your lives might not have the same "rules" and then what. The difference between poly and swinging is that it isn't couple centric. To all have the same rules would be really tricky. The only thing I can think of that might be a rule as far as you are describing is that everyone get tested every 6 months. Especially if you are fluid bonding and that everyone use safe sex practices if you are taking a new lover. What that means should be discussed also I would think.

No lying, cheating and dating without knowledge to all are good poly ethics and the foundation of relationships to me (respect, honest communication, integrity and empathy), rather than boundaries or rules.

for reference sake:

Compromise to me is what we do before a boundary is agreed upon. It's the space between something coming up and getting to the point of comfortably sitting in an established relationship dynamic. It's the space where everything stops and no one moves forward until there is communication. It isn't comfortable for one or the other, but isn't meant to be... what the goal is that discussion/communication will happen until there is a balance of semi-comfort for both parties (or more) so that there can be movement forward in a relationship.

Boundaries for me are what is established at the end of negotiation of compromise. It's the end result that is known to be fluid but that I can sit in and try out for a while, knowing that my partner is somewhat comfortable and willing to see if something works. Quite often the new boundary is like a young seedling that needs nurturing together in order to grow into a strong tree that everyone is comfortable with and needs no more discussion about. When negotiations and communication has occurred to the point of a boundary being set, I know that my partner (s) feel comfortable in the knowledge that they have been heard, respected, considered and cared for. I should come out of the discussion feeling the same way and if I don't or they don't, then there is still a compromise going on and I still need to encourage talking... sometimes a break is needed before jumping in again as it is quite exhausting.

Rules are ultimatums and completely off the table for me. I have never done well in a relationship where their are rules, unless I am setting them, in terms of BDSM otherwise they have no place in my relationships. I will not be with someone who attempts to set rules, unless they are willing to turn to communication and negotiation that would bring us to compromising with the future goal of setting boundaries that work for the us. If they are unwilling then I will not stay with them. Simple as that. My life is my own and they will not be a part of it.
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boundaries, boundary negotiation, boundary pushing, boundary setting, broken agreements, dating, guidelines, jealousy, managing relationships, negotiation, poly, primary, rules, rules vs boundaries, secondary, trust issues, veto

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