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  #11  
Old 08-27-2009, 05:25 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Now we have to practice taking the contraption under water! Ooooh! Spooky! Always new learning to explore!
Just keep us updated on your discoveries
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  #12  
Old 08-27-2009, 08:53 PM
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ummm yes... JR... and please upload pictures of that.

As for the topic of this thread...

I see the distinction between rules and agreements, and this is definitely something I strive to do... ESPECIALLY in relationships. Ever heard of "rules are meant to be broken"? Seems like that stems from the participants not "agreeing" to them in the first place.

And - for sure agreements can change over time, being open to that and actually forming new agreements is what makes boundaries heard, understood, and kept.

Sounds healthy to me!

So, from what I have read over the past several months there are no rules for what the agreements should look like. Whatever works for you, works for you!
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  #13  
Old 08-27-2009, 11:26 PM
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I have rules for myself. I call them such, because I like the idea of breaking the rules, and have been known to break mine. Somehow, the fact that they are my rules and I break them makes me feel like an anarchist.... hehee... does that make sense... really they are boundaries and agreements with myself because they are fluid and changeable. That would be a more suitable description.

When Mono and I first came on this forum back in April we were BIG into what was acceptable and what wasn't. What he needed to feel safe in our relationship and what I was willing to let go of and agree to around the lifestyle he came into.

At the time my rules were: (and I think I am repeating myself as I have said these before, but whatever..... )
1. My husband has to know that where my dates are and when, in case something happens.
2. two coffee dates and then they have to meet my husband.
3. Provided they are approved we can move on to a dinner date or a more serious dating situation with a possible smooch at the end.
4. Sex can come after everyone is comfortable and ready
5. that was as far as I got...

Of course with Mono I broke all the rules!
I met him for coffee, called him that night, talked on the phone for a long time (for me) then emailed, called, texted, the whole next day and the days after for about four days.... by the weekend we were very close and I went over there after a date with my husband and our other that we share. The two of them were getting it on and I just wanted Mono, so I left and drove to his house.... I don't think he had met my husband yet even! I got in big trouble from my husband and came home again. They met shortly after and the rest is history.

My husband has always been very willing to trust me entirely and let me go... possibly to my detriment as I have taken advantage of that in the past and am not proud of it... he always has known what was happening but it effected him and we didn't have enough discussion around it...

Now Mono and him have agreements with me that I find far more contained. Much like the sense of commitment you feel when you get married. One thinks that it would be confining, but it is actually freeing! It keeps me in check and makes me feel loved.

I love that we can make our own and not go by societal norms unless they fit.
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  #14  
Old 08-28-2009, 04:02 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Let's see...our rules are agreed upon. They are also flexible.

I am the more poly of myself and my husband. We have agreed that, because I am bisexual, I am allowed to date other women, but no men. Sex with another woman is allowed only after he has approved of her and she and I have established a true loving relationship. These things work for me since I don't desire other men, wouldn't want to be with someone my husband was uncomfortable with, and don't enjoy loveless sex.

Beyond that, the woman (and only one woman) has to want to be involved with our family. My husband and children are very important to me and I wouldn't want anyone who didn't respect that and want to build a relationship with them as by being poly I want to add to my family and not take away. This doesn't mean an intimate relationship with my husband. He won't be nor do I really want him sexually involved with my gf. But a friendship should be there. The gf is free to have another relationship if she chooses, but there has to be some form of polyfidelity. In other words, no casual sex from either of us or her and her other.

Beyond that, full honesty and full disclosure. Hubby and I are primary, at least in the beginning stages as we do have children to think about.

However, with my last gf, we were ready to change the rules. We would have moved on to a full triad if she had been willing. The rules are there for guidelines and taking first steps for everyone's comfort and safety. The good thing about them is that they can be amended to fit the individual situation at any time by discussion and agreement.
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  #15  
Old 08-28-2009, 07:39 AM
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We have always conducted our relationship very freely.
We have only one 'rule', which applies to poly, open marriage, swinging all.

"Do what/who ever you want, just tell me"
If either of us meets someone and has a spontaneous fling, telling the other after the fact is also acceptable.
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  #16  
Old 08-28-2009, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Let's see...our rules are agreed upon. They are also flexible.

The good thing about them is that they can be amended to fit the individual situation at any time by discussion and agreement.
I must admit, the clarity in your boundaries for your poly relationship is impressive! I have to ask - is your husband poly or mono wired? He sounds like me in a lot of ways and I don't consider being in a poly relationship as making me even remotely poly. Just curious.
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  #17  
Old 08-28-2009, 03:06 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Thank you Mono!

My husband actually considers himself poly, as he is capable of deep loving relationships with more than one person. My gf was actually his ex from years before and also his best friend. He spent years trying to set us up because he loved us both so much and he felt we'd be perfect for eachother.

However, he doesn't feel a need to engage sexually with my other (should I ever have an other again) to be in a poly relationship. He is straight and so I fulfill all of his sexual desire in that way. It's the same reason why we've agreed that I will not engage in physical relationships with men and can only have one relationship with a woman at any given time. If he were bisexual I'd be fine with him having a physical relationship with a man without my involvement as I cannot be a man. We seem different than most here in that the loving commitment comes naturally and without jealousy but the sexual aspect is tricky. It could be due to the sexual abuse I have suffered and his ex gf (different ex) who made a point to jump everyone who wanted her behind his back, leading to some serious health concerns. I don't know.

As I said, the rules are flexible. Had P stuck around maybe we'd be a triad now in every way and house hunting. She WAS perfect. Until she wasn't. One never knows if lightning will strike twice.
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  #18  
Old 08-28-2009, 03:52 PM
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the sexual aspect is tricky. .
I totally get that LOL! It seems the farther I move away from my old vanilla social background and towards a sex positive environment the more closed off I am in my ability to enjoy things I used to. Not physical sex but the whole area of sexuality and eroticism. It's like my newly discovered relationship with my own sexuality can't handle what is all around me and is going into hiding. I get bothered by the strangest stuff now. I'm super sensitive but am learning to have fun with it

Sorry for the tangent..
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  #19  
Old 08-28-2009, 05:55 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It's like my newly discovered relationship with my own sexuality can't handle what is all around me and is going into hiding. I get bothered by the strangest stuff now. I'm super sensitive but am learning to have fun with it
A whole new voyage of self-discovery, eh? It's interesting what else crops up when we begin communicating with others in a different fashion and build our relationships in a new fashion. Even somebody as mono as you, when dealing with a poly relationship approach, it appears lots of other self-realization and development follows. Way cool!

And the use of humor in dealing with it speaks well of you.
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  #20  
Old 08-29-2009, 01:38 AM
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I'm actually pretty sexually liberal. So long as no one is being used, abused, or hurt, it's fine with me what goes on behind closed doors. It's only myself and lover(s) I feel I have any right to have opinions and comfort zones regarding.
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