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  #1  
Old 10-24-2012, 04:55 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Default This all so new! Exciting but need advice out jealousy/neediness/expectations.

I'm glad I found this place! I'll try to be as concise as possible.

Quick background fact, I'm recently divorced but my divorce had nothing to do with polyamory. It was just one of those things that didn't work out. Wife left June 2011 and the divorce became final April 2012. I mention the divorce because it was just recently final and I'm still dealing with the emotions of that and that probably plays a part in all of this.

Back in Feb 2012 (long after I was separated and just waiting for divorce to be final) I met this woman in an online forum. It was pure serendipity. She asked me a few questions about my divorce and next thing you know a friendship developed. She was there for many a night of crying in my part. It was a true friendship. So we get to know each other and she tells me how she's in an open marriage. I was so surprised but also intrigued. I have never met someone in an open marriage before. So I asked a million question and she was quite candid with her answers. At this point there was no interest beyond a friendship. She told me of her escapades and her fantasies, I was fascinated. This was a online friendship (she's far away) but it developed into countless texts and hours long weekends calls on Sat and Sunday.

Then she made a move. It caught me by surprise. It escalated quite quickly. Naughty calls, sexy pics, erotic letters and it all ended with "so when are you coming to visit so we can make all this happen?" In a moment of lust and desire I gave in and now we have a 14 day vacation planned at the end of the year. It's all booked and paid for. It's happening.

So here is where we are now. The friendship is there, growing everyday. She speaks at how the friendship is paramount. She has laid down the "rules" ie. don't fall in love, friendship first and last, honesty, etc. I totally agree with her. I will say, I'm NOT in love with her. Of that I'm sure. I lust for her yes, but LOVE love? No at all. I also don't want to be a "boyfriend" or anything like that. This is first friendship, lust when it's possible and that's that.
However, neediness and jealousy have started creeping in on my part.

She's open and loud and honest and brusque to a fault. Like no woman I've ever met (LOL!). As such she has no qualms about telling me of other men she wishes to sleep with. The first time this happened it killed me! The jealousy burned within me bad. She was nice at first, told me that with me it was different because she cared for me as a friend and even when she sleeps with someone else, she has not desire to let them into her life like she has me. But then she switches to brusque and just tells me I need to get over it. I'm not jealous of her husband nor of her ex "boyfriend" that she broke up with last year and talks about from time to time. Yet when she talks of others, I get extremely jealous and insecure. At the same time, as far as I know she hasn't slept with anyone other than her ex boyfriend last year. But my mind goes crazy when I think about it. I don't like this one bit.

How can I deal with this? How does one deal with jealousy and insecurity in a relationship such as this? I understand it's 99% on my part, in my head but it's so hard for me to hear her talk of lusting for other men. Yet on the other hand, I lust for other women and this is certainly not stopping me from pursuing them, she actually encourages me! Am I being just a "guy"? Do I want my cake and eat it too? I don't want to be like this.

Our relationship started off so hot, it has since cooled off into a more everyday friendship with occasional lust and I think that's what's bothering me the most. Sounds so dumb when I write it out actually! I couldn't possibly expect this to be 100% "ON" all the time right? That's where I am right now. I need to detach a bit perhaps, we text every morning/night, some days we'll hardly talk but some days it won't stop. I need to get to a place where it just flows naturally instead of trying to force it, which I do at times.

I hope this made sense and I welcome and look forward to any advice or insight!
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  #2  
Old 10-25-2012, 07:53 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I have a suggestion....is it possible you meet for say...two nights, now before the 14 week trip?

Don't know about open non romantic relationships, but my first poly relationship was with a friend I met online, and we flirted and talked for a few years (and met once) before we were intimate, and we had a lot of chemical attraction and lust built up over those few years. We had a great 5 days when we did finally have sex, and then the next time we met I had absolutely zero desire to even kiss him. That's why I think a brief meeting before something as extreme as a two week trip would make a lot of sense. I can't even picture spending more than 5 days with a great friend unless I'd spent lots of time with them in person, it seems like a recipe for disaster. Fuck, my ex husband/best friend and I went to Europe several years ago and I still ran out tolerance after being with him 24 hours a day after 8 days, much more stressful than living with each other for 12 years. What I'm trying to say is...two WEEKS?

And I'm sure you're aware of this, but "don't fall in love" is about as far away from polyamory as you can get, so if you don't get the advice that fits your situation here, (cause it'll probably be mentioned that you can't control if you fall in love or not - and you seem to want to stress ...love? no not love, never love!!!) you might want to look in more of a swinging forum (I'd say open relationship forums, but I actually realize I don't know of any)

And for dealing with your feelings of jealousy and all? Opening Up. Great book.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 10-25-2012 at 07:58 AM.
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Old 10-25-2012, 12:50 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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I'm with Anneintherain on that. The first thing that came to my mind reading your post is that 14 days is a LONG period to be with someone you've never spent a considerable amount of time in person before.

Also, the "no falling in love" rule generally ends up in a big mess. You don't fall in love when you don't. You do when you do. There's no helping it, though you can control your actions towards your feelings, I'm yet to see someone who can stop himself from falling in love. Just something to consider.
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Old 10-25-2012, 03:12 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Thanks for your advice. I understand what you are saying. There is sort of a quasi-escape "clause." We are meeting in a big city and then going elsewhere after a few days. She's mentioned that I don't have to join her for the second part if I don't want to and I can go elsewhere by myself or stay behind. So there is that.

I guess I never thought about this aspect because in a way, I feel this might be the only time we might meet. Sure we have plans for more but you never know. We both talked about what if we meet and there is nothing...but I guess we went all in.
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Old 10-25-2012, 03:17 PM
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Anek Anek is offline
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It might also be that you have a great two weeks and then decide never to meet again. It doesn't need to be a catastrophe just because you never met.

On the jealousy, why are you feeling jealous? Are you afraid of being replaced, either as a lover or as a friend?
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Old 10-25-2012, 04:32 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anek View Post
It might also be that you have a great two weeks and then decide never to meet again. It doesn't need to be a catastrophe just because you never met.

On the jealousy, why are you feeling jealous? Are you afraid of being replaced, either as a lover or as a friend?
We get along so well and talk endlessly on the phone, it never really occurred to me about it being such a long time together. We'll see how that goes.

As for the jealousy, well, it's a little bit the lover part but it worries me a whole lot less than being replaced as a friend. I have always had abandonment issues and my recent divorce has done nothing to help that. I do worry about losing her as a friend. I'm cynical to the end and the way I see it, she found me on that forum and she's very active online in penpal sites and other forums. Who's to say she won't meet someone else? It seems to me she's always seeking that next thrill and adventure.
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Old 10-25-2012, 04:32 PM
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MoonElf MoonElf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anek View Post
It might also be that you have a great two weeks and then decide never to meet again. It doesn't need to be a catastrophe just because you never met.
That's a good point. I tend to assume people know I don't talk on "beyond doubt and 100% certain of it" terms. My bad.
Of course it's not 100% chance of disaster with this, it never is.

Quote:
I guess I never thought about this aspect because in a way, I feel this might be the only time we might meet. Sure we have plans for more but you never know. We both talked about what if we meet and there is nothing...but I guess we went all in.
I know the feeling, of having the need to enjoy every moment of it, since you're not sure if you'll ever have another.
I can't help but feel moved by this. It makes me feel happy for you.

But never mind me being silly, the question Anek made you is an important one: Where is the jaleousy coming from?

Edit: Nevermind the question, I guess we posted at the same time.
I have little advice to give you about fear of being raplace, sadly, since I've been strugling with this myself. I guess all I could say is that mybe getting at the same page with her would help.
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Last edited by MoonElf; 10-25-2012 at 04:36 PM.
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Old 10-26-2012, 02:29 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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Thanks for the input. Her and I continue to talk and I continue to work on myself. It's funny, she is very aware of my trust issues and quite understanding. She knows that I have not given my trust to her fully, she mentions how she'll know when I give it fully to her and she'll be super happy because she knows she's earned it.

It's incredibly, when I'm not in the middle of some anxiety or depressive episode I can see so clearly and understand that some of my issues with her have no real ground other than in my head.
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  #9  
Old 10-29-2012, 05:57 PM
AudentesFortunaJuvat AudentesFortunaJuvat is offline
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I don't know how I got myself into this, but I can't do it. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
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  #10  
Old 10-29-2012, 06:24 PM
Wizzard Wizzard is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AudentesFortunaJuvat View Post
I don't know how I got myself into this, but I can't do it. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Here's what I would say. Meet with her, but have no expectations. If it doesn't turn into a sex filled romp, that's OK, you got to spend time with a friend. If it does, great, you got to spend some time with a friend naked.

But whatever you do, make sure she understands. Don't just drop it all and say nothing.
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