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  #11  
Old 09-07-2010, 08:28 AM
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@gwendolenthefair

Sorry, I meant to thank you also for your response. You immediately got me thinking about the pregnancy issue, which I had completely over looked, having had my own tubes tied years ago. She says she has a coil (iud) so I will just have to believe that, although my trust in her is not at an all time high.

I haven't emailed (it is still saved in my drafts). After what you and Ariakis said I decided I would text back my feelings about the lack of condom issue when/if she texts me. Z is going to have coffee with her tomorrow and he will be telling her that a physical relationship doesn't work for him. He get's asthma and is allergic to many things so her smoking leaves him in quite a mess. I have said that I will deal with my own issues with her but if it comes up he can pass on my dismay at her sexual antics. I will be staying in the "Now" and dealing with what comes up when and if it does.

Thanks again

Last edited by sage; 09-07-2010 at 08:30 AM.
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  #12  
Old 08-17-2011, 06:10 AM
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I'm really curious how this worked out. So its been a year, what happened?
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  #13  
Old 08-17-2011, 01:02 PM
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Wow, you have dug up an old post. I had even forgotten I wrote it. We parted ways with our unicorn and haven't tried that route again. Z got tested for STDs and they came back negative. She never told us she got pregnant and we lost touch so can only assume she never did.

I have decided to try redefining myself as polyamorous. I believe that for some monos this is possible. Identifying as monogamous was no longer serving me and ....well it's all in the blog post you can link to it in my signature. I have myself up on OK Cupid but I'm looking at guys this time and not trying for a unicorn.
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2011, 02:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Does this mean that Z will be posting on the struggling section now....that would be ironic. You said he doesn't like change ....what has changed for him? I thought that when you were married you practiced and identified as being poly....then divorced found Z and chose to live mono. Why is it important to label the identity? How long have you been with Z? ....sorry ...I'm sure you posted this stuff before but I wouldn't know how to access this stuff quickly....I'd have to read hundreds of entries.

I think you have a fascinating story ...married with boyfriend (poly) then divorced ...then mono ...now back to poly.... wow what a journey....and it not over...more growth and more interesting stories to come I'm sure.

I wonder what the percentage of poly/mono couple remain that way over the long haul. There seems to be a high percentage of mono's that do this in response to their situation ...freetime , carma's husband, Lovingradances husband , you , etc and it makes sense.... balance and fairness.
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Old 08-17-2011, 09:15 PM
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Quoting Dinged Heart: "Does this mean that Z will be posting on the struggling section now....that would be ironic. You said he doesn't like change ....what has changed for him? I thought that when you were married you practiced and identified as being poly....then divorced found Z and chose to live mono. Why is it important to label the identity? How long have you been with Z? ....sorry ...I'm sure you posted this stuff before but I wouldn't know how to access this stuff quickly....I'd have to read hundreds of entries.

I think you have a fascinating story ...married with boyfriend (poly) then divorced ...then mono ...now back to poly.... wow what a journey....and it not over...more growth and more interesting stories to come I'm sure.

I wonder what the percentage of poly/mono couple remain that way over the long haul. There seems to be a high percentage of mono's that do this in response to their situation ...freetime , carma's husband, Lovingradances husband , you , etc and it makes sense.... balance and fairness."


Ha,ha lol - Z isn't really a poster, not when it comes to matters of the heart. He's more comfortable posting about technology via linked in.

I'm flattered that you find my story interesting; maybe because it has some similarities with yours way back when I was 'bad wife' (light hearted comment not meant to be taken too seriously).

Yes Z may struggle. There is a slight sense of struggle in him already. I think when any dynamic changes in a relationship there is the potential for struggle. He has some deep seated insecurities and when they come up for him his love output is diminished. The good thing is that with all the relationship work we've done we're both in a much better place to understand it and deal with it.

What's changed for him? I'm on OK Cupid and receiving quite a bit of interest, a lot more than him. He isn't the poly who throws his hands up in glee when his mono goes poly, he is the poly who goes, "Oh dear where could this lead and how will I feel about it?"

When I was married I had never even heard of polyamory but my husband and I did play around with having an open marriage. Some twenty years ago he was quite into it and I was too because our marriage was struggling and I thought it might help us both. Then he went sort of weird-spiritual and started saying things like "I could never do that to you". Go figure, it probably would have been the best thing he could have ever done to me because I totally took him for granted. Then prior to our marriage breaking up three years ago I fell in love with our gardener (very Lady Chatterley). He was married too and that was when I proposed a Vee (not that I knew that was the term for it), because while my marriage had many, many issues I did genuinely feel that I still loved my husband. Hubs said no way, he wasn't going to be cuckholded and provide the lifestyle so that I could shower all my love on someone else while he got (excuse the language) sloppy seconds.

I left, and healed my heart by going online to find a replacement for my boyfriend. He was still married, going to stay that way and his wife wasn't interested in sharing him either. Yes I know, you should be by yourself and not do this sort of thing but I was really messed up and it was the only way forward that I could see at the time. Very quickly I met Z with his long distance love and the rest you pretty much know. It was and is such a beautiful relationship that I didn't want to complicate or ruin it by being polyamorous in it. I had fallen so deeply in love with two people in such quick succession that I didn't trust myself to open myself up again for fear of it happening again.

After three years of working on myself and our relationship I've released that fear. I now trust myself and realise that love comes in all shapes and sizes. I'm not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet but for someone to compliment the life that I already have and hold very dear. Does that clear everything up?

Last edited by sage; 08-17-2011 at 09:23 PM.
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  #16  
Old 08-18-2011, 06:18 PM
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I thought the story was interesting before.....wow ....with the addition of a gardener it just moved up another notch....or two. One Good thing about having a relationship with a gardener is the impeccable lawn service the down side is all the double entendre remarks. Those fucking gardeners and pool cleaners get all the action.

Yes it did cleared up a couple of questions....thanks .

Has Z identified as poly for a long time or is this his first experience? ....the reason for the struggle.

Sloppy Seconds a great title for a tread or.... book. I got a couple of T-shirt ideas too.

What exactly ....from a" needs" point of view are you looking for in this new relationship hunt. Or rather what is Z not providing you with?

If I sit here longer I'll come up with a dozen more questions so I'm stopping now.... Thanks D
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  #17  
Old 08-18-2011, 08:52 PM
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This is his first experience of loving someone deeply (ie me) who is exploring other relationships. Prior to this the shoe has always been on the other foot (so to speak). It's so funny he keeps coming up with all these little objections: "I had to email you for ages before you'd go out with me", "I just want you to be safe baby"; "Men are different from women" etc etc.

Dinged you have been around here long enough surely, to realise that in polyamory there is nothing necessarily missing in one relationship in order to explore others. The reasons why I'm doing this are in my blog post and I can honestly say there is nothing missing..... although there maybe is in a roundabout way (thinking as I'm writing here). We shifted from New Zealand to Australia at the beginning of this year, leaving all our friends and family behind. We're living in an apartment and I'm a keen gardener (yes I am, the property hubs and I owned that required an additional gardener was 2 acres of manicured lawns and formal gardens, I needed help, but yes got more than I bargained for). I suppose this is a way of making interesting connections with other people which can be difficult in a new city/country. Z doesn't relate well to men on a personal level and so making "couple" friends can be a bit tricky, although we are trying and going out with a couple he met via work on Saturday night.

Thanks for your questions dinged they are making me think. Poly people say love is infinite and I get that, especially as I'm feeling more loving all the time. But practically there is also the analogy of the pie, I guess I'm looking to replace the piece of the Z pie that he is taking out into the world on his poly explorations, with others. I am also finding that changing my identification from mono to poly has changed my mindset. I no longer get hung up on all the mono stuff because I'm starting to see myself as poly. It is making me happier and more at peace and that is the main reason I'm doing this. Life is too short to struggle at anything for too long. I think if something is too hard it isn't meant to be and we should find another approach if we can.

Where are you at with your marriage?
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  #18  
Old 08-18-2011, 10:21 PM
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Sage, I wonder how important it actually is to identify as either mono or poly. I know I certainly do not do that, because I see the relationships as poly or mono, not the people. We're all capable of so much, and culture plays a huge part, so I've never been one much for all that "wiring" talk. If I say I am poly, for me, I am saying that is how I choose to live and practice relationships, not that I'm "wired" that way. That's all.

I have been meaning to address this in a separate thread because lately there has been some posts here that seem to say that looking at relationships (instead of people) as poly is some kind of temporary hobby or something, but I just feel that it is a more fluid and all-encompassing nature of loving that simply allows for numerous ways to manifest that love in the world. We can say that we are one or the other and then try to rigidly conform to it, but what about those times in one's life when things do not fit behind the labels we give it and we're perfectly happy and satisfied. Life is fluid; love is fluid. I think the poly label is only helpful in finding a community of other people who have multi-partner relationships and will know what the heck we're talking about, but it isn't very useful for actual living.

So, be who you are and love who you will. KISS - Keep It Simple, Sweetie!
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-18-2011 at 10:44 PM.
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  #19  
Old 08-18-2011, 10:32 PM
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YES NYCINDIE !!!

I totally agree with you and I wish someone had suggested this to me a while ago. Although maybe I wasn't ready. If we could drop our identification with labels and just be in a relationship for the way it works best I think everyone would be much happier.
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  #20  
Old 08-19-2011, 06:15 AM
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I talked about the "dropping of labels" at the workshop we just did... I am feeling that more and more lately. That is why I keep bringing up "lifestyle" and "identity" I think. Really to me the lines between "poly" and "mono" have become blurred, just as why people have the relationship dynamics they do at any given time in their life. Really, letting it all go would be the best bet I think.... but, of course, because we are human, we need to analyse it all to shit, create forums such as this and when we are done, everyone just stops talking and just is.....
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