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  #1  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:53 PM
browniris browniris is offline
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I guess I am looking for advise...

I kinda fell into a situation that I never dreamed could happen. I am from a small town.. Divorced and have a couple that are good friends of mine. (Friends before the divorce) Anyway.... I completely connected with both of them ( him first but both in the grand scheme of things), however, being female it was (is) easier for me to show my affection to the male partner of the couple... Being from a region that is conservative...that is what i know. but.. getting into this whole relationship I found out that showing my affection to her was natural and at times I had no problem with it but hard at the same time. Since our first incounter in this compasity it has been rocky..as all relationships are at times i guess ( details? don't want to go into at this point) but as I guess I am.. a secondary.... I need help and advise since this is all new to me....
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  #2  
Old 01-15-2013, 12:08 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Can you be more specific about what problems and challenges you're facing that you need help and advice in addressing?

There are lots of threads here for people who are secondaries in a triad and how they navigated those waters. It will be different for everyone of course, but you might find some things to think about.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #3  
Old 01-15-2013, 12:45 AM
browniris browniris is offline
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Like I said it is a small town. (actually pretty small) and I am sure i would be judged for any move that I made out of the "ordinary." (already have been I am sure) I have young children and so do they which makes things even harder at times. Don't want anyone judging any of our children because of adult actions. I truly feel our kids would be ok about it all since they are all best friends and love all of us but still.. the perception of ignorant others can hurt..

As far as she and i? (he and I get along fine and can talk about most things anytime but...) She is wary of me... understandable since they split up for a while this fall and he and istill hung out.. but The whole intire time they were split though.. i missed her... And he did too....

Again.. I have to say this is all new to me. It is something that just happened that I had no thought about or control over. Again.. something I never thought about. Especially having feelings for someone of the same gender.... But the feelings are there still...
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Old 01-15-2013, 01:17 AM
browniris browniris is offline
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And.. just to clarify.. He continues to want a triad which I guess is what we consisted of this past year. We were all emotionally and completely tied due to all the drama in my life. (and their's at times too) they were there for me through thick and thin and I CAN promise it was a very THIN year all around. A triad is what I would want too if we can continue but not sure that it will/can (still) happen. i have recently read alot and know how hard a triad can be...
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Old 01-15-2013, 04:48 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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All the players have to want the same triad for it to fly right. Are all the players wanting this configuration of open relationship model? Do you all agree to the personal standard you create together for this polyship? (If it could help, here's my personal standard.)

Or is the more natural shape "it just wants to be" is a "V" with him as the Shared Sweetie, and her and you as friends?

Or something else?

Possible resources:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/ <--good secondary area
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

The kids and living in a small town seem to be concerns -- do they share in same? What agreements could to make to address the concerns?

Talk to them. See where each person has their wants, needs, and limits at and what needs to happen so ALL players can feel good in the polyship there.

HTH!
Galagirl
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  #6  
Old 01-16-2013, 11:32 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by browniris View Post
Like I said it is a small town. (actually pretty small) and I am sure i would be judged for any move that I made out of the "ordinary." (already have been I am sure) I have young children and so do they which makes things even harder at times. Don't want anyone judging any of our children because of adult actions. I truly feel our kids would be ok about it all since they are all best friends and love all of us but still.. the perception of ignorant others can hurt..
I almost guarantee that your kids won't have a problem with it. Kids get their moral compass primarily from their parents, secondarily from society. If their parents look at it as no big deal, the kids won't even realize there's something to potentially make a big deal about.

If you're up to it (self-esteem-wise), the easiest way to deal with people is to just act like it's no big deal; take it as self-evident that what you're doing is perfectly fine and normal. Then they'll feel awkward for thinking otherwise, and they'll be more likely to stfu. People can privately judge all they want, but there's a lot of social pressure for people to treat others normally despite what they really think.

The easiest way to make people think that what you're doing is weird or harmful is to think, yourself, that it's weird or harmful.

I'm not saying you need to shout it from the rooftop. Just that if people find out and you don't make a big deal about it, they probably won't either. They can even report you to child services, who will do an investigation, speak with your kids, learn that you're not harming them, and close your file. Conservative or not, there's a strict letter to the law and "having two girlfriends" is not included in the definition of child abuse, in any state of which I'm aware.

Quote:
Originally Posted by browniris View Post
And.. just to clarify.. He continues to want a triad which I guess is what we consisted of this past year. We were all emotionally and completely tied due to all the drama in my life. (and their's at times too) they were there for me through thick and thin and I CAN promise it was a very THIN year all around. A triad is what I would want too if we can continue but not sure that it will/can (still) happen. i have recently read alot and know how hard a triad can be...
I would suggest removing the pressure of trying to make it a triad. Just be. There's no need to define it. The relationship will ebb and flow naturally, and trying to force anything will make it feel awkward and, well, forced.

What HE wants in terms of triad is 100% irrelevant. He gets a say in whom he dates. He does not get a say in whom you or his wife dates, at least not in a "you should date this person" way. It might sound harsh, but he's not your pimp, nor his wife's. If either you or the wife is not 100% comfortable and wanting of the triad, then it just won't work.

It might help to think of him as your mother. "Why don't you date that nice Anderson boy? He's so polite. He's going to be a doctor, you know. Wouldn't you like to marry a doctor?" "Look, ma. I'm just not into the Anderson boy. Yes, he's very nice. But there's no chemistry. We're better as friends."
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #7  
Old 01-21-2013, 04:25 PM
RavenWolfbird RavenWolfbird is offline
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hi
I want to meet others but I dare not to.
so i wanna help with how I should do to make the leap to dare.
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