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Old 09-06-2010, 04:18 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603

Poly tends to bring up all kinds issues, both in yourself and in your realtionship. The beauty of it is that although it is terribly uncomfortable at first working on things as they come up tend to make you and your relationship stronger.

You said in your original post that before your husband brought poly up to you that you thought you had a great marriage. It seems to me that you do have a great marriage. He came to you and talked about what's going on for him. He could have gone behiend your back and cheated on you but it seems to me that he loves you and that he really wants to stay married to you. I also see a lot of respect from him and his girlfriend in that they are moving slowly to allow you time to adjust and to feel what you need to feel.

Get to know her as a person. Find things that you have in common. It's amazing to see what someone loves about you when you see it in someone else. Also appreciate your differences. You are able to fill needs for him that she can't and vice versa just because you both are who you are. I wouldn't suggest going into this planning on getting together with her as well. You say that you like her, work on building a friendship and if romantic feeling develop follow your heart.

Take care of yourself. Do things, even little things, that you like. Also ask your husband for what you need from him. It can be really simple. One of the things my husband does for me that reminds me that I'm important to him is that when he's home he makes me a cup of coffee in the morning...really not a big deal in it's self but it shows me that he's thinking of me and what I would like. There is hope, it doesn't happen overnight but from the story so far it seems to me that you're on the right track.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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Old 09-07-2010, 06:24 PM
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MrRusty MrRusty is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Yorkshire and Kent
Posts: 42

Hey Rachelina

Can't add a lot to what the earlier posters have said except to say that you are definitely not alone. I am in the same position as your husband, let me repeat that your acceptance and tolerance will have humbled and amazed him, as my Dory's did me. It is quite something to be loved that much.

What you might not have quite internalised is how much of a liberation poly can be, if like me you have been repressing it for years. I find I can better express my love for Dory now it is free from the implicit exclusivity, and in many ways appreciate what we DO have, now I have ways to explore the things we don't share, and probably never could.

I sincerely wish you the smoothest possible ride to an open and honest set of relationships. Please keep posting from time to time so that others that follow you can see how things unfold for you.

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Old 12-13-2010, 11:18 PM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 37
Default update: our girl is coming!

Hello everyone. First of all thank you to everyone who responded to me so kindly and helpfully. And thank you to everyone who makes this forum happen - even though I don't post much since I'm such a beginner, I've been on here just about every day for the past several months and have learned so much from all of you.

A lot has changed since I posted last and I've been meaning to update. The main thing is that my husband's girlfriend (who has moved to the opposite side of the country) and I have become very close - through long emails almost daily, and sending each other letters, packages and videos (of ourselves reading stories and poems or just talking). It has been an unexpected and lovely development, and I have found myself in NRE even more than my husband is! They have had a similar correspondence too of course, and also spoken on the phone a few times, which we haven't.

Now she will be coming for a 2-week visit (which I think she'll spend maybe half of with us). She'll be here next Thursday. I'm both excited and terrified. I guess my main fear is that I will be overwhelmed by pain and jealousy, as I was when I first found out about this in the summer. From a distance it's all very well, but it's about to become much more real. They will want to have a night alone together, sex will not be off the table this time and I have no idea if I'll be able to handle that.

I'm also nervous about bonding with her: in our emails we have gotten to the point of saying "I love you" to each other, but we've only met in real life twice, and both of those times were very painful to me. I guess it's just normal uncertainty and I just need to wait and see what kind of chemistry arises naturally between us. But I also feel there's a lot of pressure to have her visit go well, since she is thinking about moving back here sometime next year, and I'm sure that how this visit goes will play a role in her decision.

So, I would welcome any words of advice or encouragement! Any red flags? (you guys are so good at noticing them!) I guess I will have more specific questions or issues to talk about, during and after her visit.
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Old 12-14-2010, 12:13 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 228

Hi Rachelina,

my only red flag would be worry for you about the speed with which things are happening. Reading your first post I thought I was looking at a mono in a brand new V and was going to offer my limited experience to say it can work; now it's a possible triad, which is outside my experience.
But everybody is different , like in other areas of human experience some people do best when they just jump in and start swimming.
I wish you the best of luck. Be prepared for bumps and tears along the way and also great joys. and you will be OK
"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:49 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 633

Hi Rachelina

I don't think you are talking about a triad necessarily. I have had a similarly confusing time coming to grips with the relationship that as a mono I can have with my metamour. It can be close without being sexual.

Anyway I have very little time but read my last post (which isn't because I've decided to keep my blog going). That post was written when Z's OSO came to stay. It wasn't nearly as painful as I imagined it would be. We had a lovely time together and it allowed everything to really settle for me.

It will be fine.
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Old 12-14-2010, 02:45 AM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 37

Thank you! Yes, this isn't necessarily going to be a triad....we don't know yet. It seems like the definitions may be a bit blurred in our case. All I feel sure of right now is that there will be something special between me and her.

My fear is that the pain and jealousy I feel when the two of them are together will wreck things. I've already made up my mind that I will never ask my husband to break up with her (which he is willing to do, reluctantly, if I absolutely can't stand it). And that resolution started out as something I wanted to do for him, but now it's more about her. She has had a few relationships but my husband is her first real love....how could I ever take that from her? I couldn't; I love her and would sacrifice my heart to save hers. But she and he are both very much concerned for my well-being; they feel terrible about the pain I have been through already and they won't be happy if I'm not happy. So.....I want to be happy!
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