First meeting jitters

[nycindie]

Hi all,
So I mentioned in another thread that I've been corresponding on OKC with S., a married man who is poly. He has invited me to look at his wife's OKC profile, and I noticed that she visited mine also. They both know that I am straight and only interested in a relationship with S. He and I have been writing to each other for about a month, and we've started to flirt a little and to talk about actually meeting.

He and his wife have been married and poly a long time, and they have a rule that they both always come together to meet a first date for either of them. They do this to make sure she's not meeting up with any creepy guys, and so his dates know he's not cheating and has her blessing.

I told S. it would be a very new experience for me and I'd likely feel awkward and nervous -- but I actually started to freak out a little. I didn't write to him for a few days because I think I needed to back away a little and deal with the nervousness and newness of the situation. This is so totally out of my reality, that I have no frame of reference for how to handle this. And I suppose some of you experienced poly people will say it's no biggie, but... it is. It would also be the first time I've ever met anyone I interacted with only online, this whole online dating thing is new to me.

Now, even though he has been very reassuring about it -- I'm already wondering how to go about doing this. He said they usually meet for drinks somewhere, and so I'm planning on getting there first so I can be seated before they arrive. Because when I'm nervous, I trip over my own feet, so I don't want to walk in and be all gawky and idiotic.

I know that if it was just him, I'd be okay -- I am not experienced with online dating but did use personal ads way back in the 90's, so I know how that goes. But is there any poly etiquette for this kind of situation -- meeting a potential lover AND his wife for a first date? I would imagine it's different from meeting a husband. Should I hug her first? Shake hands? Do I ask permission from her for any kind of touching or whatever? Anyone care to share their stories of meeting a wife for the first time -- from either the wife's or gf's perspective -- and (hopefully) put me at ease? We probably won't meet for a few more weeks, but if I feel prepared, I know it will be easier. Thanks!

[Ariakas]

There is no poly ettiquette. If they require to meet as a couple first, so be it. Its not everyones rule. There is no real way to make this "feel" good. Just go and do it.

You "should" be asking them. Explain your concerns and ask them what they like out of the first date. Is it really a matter of the wife making sure you aren't nuts. Or that you aren't a cowgirl. Maybe the husband is shy, and likes his wife there for re-assurance.

There are so many variables that it would be a bit of a guessing game.

Do they do poly meetings, maybe meet up where there is 0 pressure. Its not a date, but a "hey how ya doing"...for example. Remove that pressure and it might help.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey NYC,

I totally understand your jitters and the fact you feel somewhat out of your element in this approach.
But if it helps any I suggest looking at the plus side !
Both the statements you mentioned are true (assuring he's being straight with you about his relationship etc) and vic versa for her.
But there's something important in here for you too. You get to get a little preview of not only her reaction to a third person, but the interaction (vibes) between the two of them in this setting. Your intuitive powers should tell you much about what the future might hold in this relationship from what you see and feel. So in a way, you have more to gain than you risk here. Take advantage of it ! Everyone is not as lucky.
These first meetings often feel like an interview process for everyone. If it's working, that interview vanishes within a few minutes and everyone starts clicking and having fun.
As far as etiquette goes I think that depends on personalities and setting. Me/her - we're big into hugs Hugging is personal. Handshakes are formal and distant (normally). Hugs suggest warmth and sincerity, openness......hell just a loving spirit. It's the way even close friends often greet each other after an absence. What better way to start something new ? And if it doesn't work out - a hug is always good for at least a day

But go with your own comfort level. Most important thing is to be genuine. Let them feel who you REALLY are - and you them. Try to remove as many masks as possible (and anything else if it clicks ).

Make it FUN - not a stressful experience.

GS

[whatamIdoing]

i have no advice but have fun!

[TL4everu2]

My wife and I have the same rules. When one of us wants to go out on a date, the first date (at the VERY least) is ALWAYS together. This time around for US, it has worked to both of our advantage. As we have BOTH formed a connection with this wonderful woman. Neither of us has gone out with her alone yet. Why? Because we all have so much fun TOGETHER.

I know thats probably not YOUR dynamic, but it works for us.

My advice is this: There really is no template. When you meet, let them know that you are a bit nervous, and may have some "different" questions. Explain that this is the first time you have met both parties together before, and it's really got you flustered because you really want to impress both of them so bad. (and that is obvious even here in an open forum where emotions are not usually conveyed well)

I'm sure they will understand your aprehensions and fears and help to put them at ease.

Best of luck to you. Hopefully, it works out for you as well as our relationship has for us so far.

[redpepper]

ya that would be nerve wracking for sure... I think I would be asking for some alone time during the date. Maybe there could be a check in time where you all get aquainted and then the other partner could leave and go and do something else for a bit until the date is over... I don't think I would be too keen on spending all my time with them as I would want to know if I am interested and what MY thoughts are, what MY connection would be like,,, if there is any energy worth exploring. After all it isn't all about them.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by redpepper

ya that would be nerve wracking for sure... I think I would be asking for some alone time during the date.

Oh, whew, I'm glad you wrote this. That was my first thought, but I wasn't sure if I would seem selfish or cowgirlish if I asked to spend some time with just him.

I told him I was nervous and he let me know that he wants me to be comfortable, and that he is patient and can wait until I'm ready.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by TL4everu2

. . . you really want to impress both of them so bad. (and that is obvious even here in an open forum where emotions are not usually conveyed well)

It's not really that I want to impress her. I just want to be respectful and not make any blunders that could cause a problem. If I were meeting just him alone and felt an attraction, I would be very flirtatious, that's natural to me. But with his wife there, not sure what's appropriate.

[TL4everu2]

Originally Posted by nycindie

It's not really that I want to impress her. I just want to be respectful and not make any blunders that could cause a problem. If I were meeting just him alone and felt an attraction, I would be very flirtatious, that's natural to me. But with his wife there, not sure what's appropriate.

Actually, it is appropriate. She knows what you are both there for. And it's not a business meeting. Be flirtatious with him. wife will want to know that you are interested. However, you need to let her know that you are NOT trying to "steal" her man from her....but are trying to add to her man's character and love. If she doesn't feel threatened by you, and feels that you are honestly trying to find something to better him and you, then you will be fine...and not being flirtatious, shows that you are trying to hide something...which is deceptive....which will only serve to raise any suspicions she may have. Bottom line, be yourself. If you put on a show, that show can only last so long. No-one can wear a mask forever.

Good luck in this adventure.