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  #51  
Old 12-30-2010, 08:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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That is rather odd, I hope you don't have to pay for that session.

One thing I like to do when trying to find a provider of any kind in my network, is to first look at the ones near me and Google a few of them. There are sites where docs and other shrinks get reviewed by patients. I read as much as I can about them, before calling. Psychology Today's website has an extensive listing of therapists with blurbs about how they work and what they focus on, and sometimes they are also in my insurance plan. When I call, I do a mini-interview - if not with the doc, then with the staff. For a therapist, for example, I might say, "I've never been in therapy before, what is your approach?" If they can't take the time to answer a few simple questions, I don't schedule with them. If I get some sense of warmth or welcome, and my questions answered to my satisfaction, I make an appointment.

If you see an MSW on your list of providers, they also make good therapists - doesn't have to be a doctor (although you need one if you require prescriptions). However, an MSW can recommend a doc who you would see solely for med management, if after therapy, you guys decide you need to see a doc for meds.

Good luck!
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  #52  
Old 12-30-2010, 08:28 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Another thing to try if you haven't done so already is get a referral from your primary-care doctor.
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  #53  
Old 01-02-2011, 08:18 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
That is rather odd, I hope you don't have to pay for that session.

One thing I like to do when trying to find a provider of any kind in my network, is to first look at the ones near me and Google a few of them. There are sites where docs and other shrinks get reviewed by patients. I read as much as I can about them, before calling. Psychology Today's website has an extensive listing of therapists with blurbs about how they work and what they focus on, and sometimes they are also in my insurance plan. When I call, I do a mini-interview - if not with the doc, then with the staff. For a therapist, for example, I might say, "I've never been in therapy before, what is your approach?" If they can't take the time to answer a few simple questions, I don't schedule with them. If I get some sense of warmth or welcome, and my questions answered to my satisfaction, I make an appointment.

If you see an MSW on your list of providers, they also make good therapists - doesn't have to be a doctor (although you need one if you require prescriptions). However, an MSW can recommend a doc who you would see solely for med management, if after therapy, you guys decide you need to see a doc for meds.

Good luck!
Thanks for the tips.
As for paying for the session. My co pay is $20. Despite being on my approved physician list and making a copy of my insurance card, he kept insisting that they would not likely cover the session. He wanted $225 immediately. I told him what my co pay was but that I had $40 on me. He took it all, wrote in pen on a scrap paper what the remainder was and gave me a self addressed envelope. I spoke to my insurance rep as soon as I left and was told he was giving me the run around. I left him a message stating he was suppose to submit it to my carrier so it would count towards my deductible and they would send me an EOB for any remainder I was responsible for. I explained that he took twice the co pay rate and that unless he followed the proper filing, he would see no more out of me.

I've heard nothing from him since. Its been almost two weeks since the appointment but perhaps he has been busy with family matters over the holidays.
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  #54  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:02 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Feel much better lately up in my head. It is looking more and more like I had my first brush with seasonal depression making other stressors get me down more than I'm use to experiencing. I even got back together with J and things with him have become lovely. One of his past partners moved back to town and she and I get along really well. Things are so much lighter and enjoyable now. Yay NRE!

But some other things got shaken out as well recently. Things I believe were a contributing factor to my feeling low and indecisive.

When we began this, we each had concerns we put on the table for consideration to decide what our boundaries should be. We do have one sexual "sore spot" that influenced one of them. It had to do with group play. We have had threesomes in the past, ALWAYS with another girl. And always to some stupid detrimental outcome on his part. I ended up feeling like my sexuality was being use against me. I began to be guarded on this subject and didn't want to do that with him anymore till some reciprocity was shown.
The boundaries he wanted were no bondage, no group play, no drug use.

I looked at these boundaries, found them wise and agreed. I was more than happy to keep the rough play between Husband and I only, not big on drug use anyway, and completely understood that the group play conflict should be sorted out with us rather than ignored and taken to someone else.

Enter new girl for him. Toppy, likes pharm experimentation, and group play. Jeesh! And with me having yet to meet her, all conversations about this new partner have been with only Husband and I. It became very apparent that when he put these boundaries on the table he was only thinking of how they apply to me and not very much how or if they apply to him!
These boundaries were to prevent simple, naive me from getting herself in a fix with a bad person or messed up on drugs or in a compromising position with two or more bad people.
Are you EFFING serious?! Two things I am not and have never been since a young teenager is simple and naive. I wasn't even naive by teenager standards! Husband met me when I was 29 and I'd been able to think for myself about risks and keep myself out of trouble for many many years. I know not to dabble in these subjects with someone I don't know well and feel completely safe with. I'm not a big risk taker and have no horror stories by which I've learned to be as cautious as I am and I feel there is a reason for that that I'm not being credited with. Once I began to realize why these boundaries were important to him I was heated! I hated every aspect of this new association and couldn't even put my finger on why.

I love time and how it reveals why we feel the way we do about the things that trouble us. I chipped at it and kept talking about it. It became obvious to me that I don't hate the new association he has at all. I hated the idea of following rules I thought applied to us both while he quietly indulges in them with someone WE don't trust and he hasn't known long enough to really say he can trust. You can't say anything about someone for certain after only two dates to dabble in these themes. And expecting me to forgo them with someone we've been knowing for almost a year is insulting to say the least! This was part of why I was feeling so down on myself; I was being treated as a child in the relationship and it was causing me to question my hard earned judgment. Well the clear thinking head I've always counted on is back due to increased vitamin D and UV rays and so is my inner bitch and spine.

New girl and J have been invited to the discussion about boundaries over dinner. Husband didn't care for the idea at first but it is important to me that he own up to why he wanted these particular boundaries in the first place and that they were indeed HIS boundaries initially. I will not tolerate the tone it sets to have these reevaluated under the assumption that they were MY boundaries and I had to be placated into changing them. Nor will I have J thinking I'm secretly disregarding agreements made with my husband while with him. I don't want him wearing any guilt while continuing to build a good metamour relationship with my husband.
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  #55  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:12 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Whew! Say it, sister!
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  #56  
Old 03-25-2011, 05:29 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Grrrrrrr!

At least once a day now I'm getting the pouty statement that I'm all independent now and don't want my husband doing anything for me. Which isn't true; I've only asked that he doesn't take on a managerial role and undermine my decisions when I've clearly made one and it doesn't affect him. Nothing much has changed except I'm back to being decisive about normal day to day stuff and I took on a part time job outside of the home in a field I'm pretty passionate about. We haven't even had a sit down re examination of the rules so I don't see how this is a result of some change in rules making him worry about me. I've not refused his help with anything. But I'm getting the guilt trip. I say quit guilt tripping me and get the "I'm just teasing".

And then today. I tell him I'm intending to start a new project for a paying client. No asking for advise. No "what do you think I should do?"
And he starts questioning me about the wisdom of doing this project rather than working on an on going one I'm not getting paid for. I restate myself and get told what he thinks would be the smarter thing to do. Great. I've chosen to do the not smart thing and only after I get pissy does he back peddle and tell me to do what I want.
This stupid dance. I'm left feeling like he liked it better when I was indecisive and when I stressed about these particular rules and how his new association might conflict with them. I don't want to believe he was comforted in some way when I was indecisive and depressed, but damn!

New Girl and I have begun volleying messages back and forth in an attempt to get to know each other better while she is still out of town. Lots of CCing between us all. I got sent something I'm pretty sure neither of them intended to share with me. It contained a conversation about something she offered to get while she was out of town BEFORE all this and he asks her to not tell me about it. I don't know what the something is, but it bugs me the idea that I need to be kept in the dark about it. Is it wrong of me to wait and see if I'm to be included in it eventually rather than questioning them about what it is? Like what if its a surprise they are planning FOR me and I ask, ruining it? And also, won't it lend me a clearer idea of what to expect out of all this if I say nothing and I'm never brought in on it?

Why do I get the feeling like many things are going on behind the scenes that I'm not in on "for my own good"?
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  #57  
Old 03-25-2011, 06:17 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
And then today. I tell him I'm intending to start a new project for a paying client. No asking for advise. No "what do you think I should do?"
And he starts questioning me about the wisdom of doing this project rather than working on an on going one I'm not getting paid for. I restate myself and get told what he thinks would be the smarter thing to do. Great. I've chosen to do the not smart thing and only after I get pissy does he back peddle and tell me to do what I want.
A lot of men have this need to "fix" things, it just comes instinctively. I imagine, especially since he was in the habit of making all the decission in the past, he just assumed that you were looking for his advice since you were sharing with him. This has always driven me crazy. He needs to be re-trained to ask if you want his advice and you will probably need to state ahead of time that you aren't looking for advice but are just sharing information.

This topic is worth sitting down and having a conversation about in great detail and will likely have to be discussed more than once. My husband was actually shocked that some of his statements made me feel like he had no faith or trust in my abilities. It's not fair to just expect our partners to magically change overnight, but they also need to be open to us calling them on it when they lapse back into old behaviors.

You could just say "Thank you for your input, I will consider it, but it's likely I will stick with my original decission".


Quote:
New Girl and I have begun volleying messages back and forth in an attempt to get to know each other better while she is still out of town. Lots of CCing between us all. I got sent something I'm pretty sure neither of them intended to share with me. It contained a conversation about something she offered to get while she was out of town BEFORE all this and he asks her to not tell me about it. I don't know what the something is, but it bugs me the idea that I need to be kept in the dark about it. Is it wrong of me to wait and see if I'm to be included in it eventually rather than questioning them about what it is? Like what if its a surprise they are planning FOR me and I ask, ruining it? And also, won't it lend me a clearer idea of what to expect out of all this if I say nothing and I'm never brought in on it?

Why do I get the feeling like many things are going on behind the scenes that I'm not in on "for my own good"?
Frankly, I would print it out and ask him about it directly. If it's a surprise for you, then he will say that. Do you really belive that? When I plan a surprise for someone, I tell the person that is helping me "This is a surprise for ___, so don't say anything." What you described sounded more like he just didn't want you to know about it period.
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  #58  
Old 03-25-2011, 07:54 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I'm troubled by how quickly he became comfortable with taking the lead so all encompassingly. It is not a long standing condition of this relationship and definitely not how we formed our dynamic. It became this way over the winter when I began to deal with depression. Could 3 months really train him to feel all Mr. Fix It so solidly? I really felt prior to that we were on equal footing. Perhaps me discovering so many of the rules he wanted in place were aimed at protecting me rather than just a wise way to roll for us both means he has felt Mr. Fix It for longer than I've noticed.

I only wonder about it being a surprise because the statement was "don't ruin it by telling her". It implies I will know of it eventually. Since I've had three surprise parties planned for me in my life and caught wind of it all three times, ruining the fun for the planners, I don't want to do it again.
I guess I was hoping for it to be a trust building thing to wait patiently and see how it unfolds. And I was hoping for it to be about a surprise for me so it could end up being a bonding thing for her and I. But you're right, what I hope isn't going to make it so.
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