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  #41  
Old 11-16-2010, 08:45 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Not everyone suffers the joy/pain of nre. Not everyone does it with every relationship. Thats NRE reaction does not represent the strength of the relationship. Don't overthink it to much and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

You might find someone that is like an explosion of NRE and you might never. Its just good to know what CAN happen vs being surprised.

As an aside, you might just be a really responsible person. A lot of people who use NRE as an excuse are just doing it to justify really shitty relationship behavior. It might be a good thing that it doesn't hit you like that
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  #42  
Old 11-19-2010, 02:58 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I dated briefly and very casually a man who I felt a good physical chemistry with. He wasn't very good at communication tho and we became friends out of it. It was odd in that we remained friends but, while I was fond of him and enjoyed being around him, his lack of communication skills didn't really let me feel like I really knew him. Through this person, I met my husband. I'm going to call him M.

To my surprise, when my husband and I became involved, M grew upset over it. He was very angry with us both for a few months. It was really bad for a bit and to me, it came out of nowhere. I'd never expected M to be so bothered by it because he is not the easiest person to get a read off of.

But we all had to be around each other so much that he did grow to accept it and a good, lasting friendship came from it. Honestly, I believe that if I had not become involved with my husband, M and I would not have the great familial friendship we have today. They would have; they are and were like brothers. But I don't think I would have ever gotten to know M to the level I do now.

We really enjoy how close the three of us are as M is one of our handpicked family members. When he visits - it just feels like a return to normal because prior to moving here we were all around each other so much. When the visit is over, there has always been talk of M moving here. He knows we would take him in either till he got his own place or we all got a bigger place.

Well after his last visit, the talk of moving became more than just talk. A month goes by and how I am made aware that the talk of moving is more than just talk is M brings the physical chemistry between us down off the shelf (I imagine it like a storage box of mementos that was packed away ) and asks me if I have interest in opening it. I'd be lying if I said its not intriguing to me.

I brought my husband into the loop. We sat down and discussed it. He is very reluctant. He remembers the tension between us all when we first got together. And the tension between he and M was much more extreme than between M and I. I really never knew till a couple years after the fact that they almost came to blows over it.
He is not open to the idea right now and doesn't know if he ever will be. We both knew M before we knew each other, so there is this weird vibe of who's "territory" M really is. I know husband has known M longer than I have, but because I left my hometown, not many of our handpicked family is comprised of friends that I brought in. And my own blood family has shut me out entirely. I only came to accept poly due to this longing in me to have that close connection I lacked. As a monogamous person, I accepted limitations to how I expressed my feelings for my close friends/family. Now that I'm able to express myself in a more intimate way, it pains me to not be able to do so with people I already feel connected to and I struggle to make that connection with new people for the lack of familiarity.

I do understand my husband's concerns over M. The tension between us all back then was awful. But where I see we worked through it and have hope, and M says he has a different view on things now and really wishes he never handled it how he did back then - Husband only sees potential problems. I respect his views as I'm not without reservations either. And I've let M know that I will not act on these feelings without Husband's consent and approval. What he dumped in my lap, I have dumped back on him to handle. A solid "don't convince me; convince HIM (husband)" is my stance now.

The really sad aspect is that another of our handpicked family is a woman Husband was really sprung on in his early adulthood. They have been nothing but platonic friends for 12 years now and she really is the female version for him, that M is for me. I pointed that out. While he identifies with my feelings, this woman has never brought that "storage box" down off the shelf and if she did - she is bi and it could be something we shared physically (ideally altho not assuredly). Because she has never brought it up, Husband admits he would want to and enjoy the opportunity, but his attitude about it has changed. What was a hot topic for fantasy sex talk (having her in the mix), he now acts like he could care less about. I feel like he does this because he doesn't want to acknowledge what he is asking me to forgo with M. And all he focuses on now with the idea of him ever being able to be physical with her again has changed too. Now its all about "I'd never if you were NOT involved" when that was not the case before.

Beyond that, I've told M his communication skills are for shit and and even if all other lights were green, that would still become a problem. I directed him to this site not just for what it might, one day, benefit me.
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  #43  
Old 12-11-2010, 04:38 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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In the last month, my enjoyment of, well pretty much everything has taken a nose dive.
J calls me and wants my time - I'm immediately annoyed. Then I'm annoyed at myself because he isn't doing anything wrong. I thought maybe it was the holidays and too much on my plate. I sat on it waiting, waiting, hell! even just waiting for how I feel to make sense so I can talk to whoever it pertains to about why I'm feeling this way.
None of it makes any sense.
I don't want to date anyone.
I don't want to go out.
I don't want to have to make time for anyone but my son and husband and I'm a complete asshole for that. Its not fair to J.
I think its only fair to let him go.

And I think I maybe need to go talk to someone; this is feeling a lot like clinical depression.
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  #44  
Old 12-11-2010, 05:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post

And I think I maybe need to go talk to someone; this is feeling a lot like clinical depression.
Have you taken anytime to yourself, completely. To recoup, regroup and just be by yourself?

Poly is so much about the group I often wonder how often people take time to truly be by themselves. Maybe you just need time to yourself?

or instead of depression, maybe its just the fact you are done with J? I know when I dated, I didn't stay with all of my dates. Just one of those things, maybe growing apart?
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  #45  
Old 12-11-2010, 06:41 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
And I think I maybe need to go talk to someone; this is feeling a lot like clinical depression.
Have you experienced it before? If so, you're probably right.

I have a tendency to ignore my depression symptoms until its too late and emergent care is required (time off work, lots of drugs etc)

If you know you're heading in that direction - you know to get help.

((HUGS))
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  #46  
Old 12-11-2010, 07:02 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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It would be nice if it could be that easy to identify. But I work by myself and for myself. I get at least 5 hours a day during the week of solo time. I always use to think I was fairly well adjusted that I could happily be alone if I needed to. Now that I work for myself rather than outside the home its like I've becoming a shut in. Friends can stop by, I tire of their company faster now.
Tonight there is a holiday party some of our long standing friends have asked us to go to. My husband is going. I can't decide if I want to go. I know I should and probably will, but it isn't like me to have such a hard time making up my mind about something so small.
Specifically with J, because he wants affection on top of just my presence - I am resentful rather than just ambivalent and he has done nothing to deserve it. Rather than wanting to lean on him over what I'm struggling with, I feel its not his problem to deal with. More like how I wouldn't bother a stranger or casual acquaintance with my problems, I see him this way too. And since I've been seeing him almost 8 months, that is pretty crappy of me and only adds to wanting to avoid him because I can't even explain why I'm feeling this way.
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  #47  
Old 12-11-2010, 07:56 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
Have you experienced it before? If so, you're probably right.

I have a tendency to ignore my depression symptoms until its too late and emergent care is required (time off work, lots of drugs etc)

If you know you're heading in that direction - you know to get help.

((HUGS))
I've been depressed temporarily before over *something* that I could identify and fix. I've never felt this way without a clear reason before and I'm pretty scared about it. I noticed it and brought it to my husband and other friend's attention because they both have dealt with real depression before. The things that made me aware I had something serious going on is that I can't even make decisions about dumb stuff lately.
Do I want to eat tacos or spaghetti? Go out? Stay in. Run up to the effing hardware store for something to repair a home issue? Meh -who cares? Instead I'm focused on the effort involved even in coloring my hair or getting on the train to have coffee with someone. I lost weight in the past year and wasn't even chubby to begin with and out of nowhere I feel getting dressed nice and groomed up is a pointless endeavor - I'll just look like painted up crap either way. I didn't even keep my regular hair appointment this month.
That kind of stuff is pretty odd for someone who is usually comfortable with voicing their opinions even when others disagree, pretty satisfied with their appearance, social and quick to fix things. I guess I should be glad it was apparent to me before I had people on my ass about it and making me feel worse.

Maybe I've been dealing with this for a while and it wasn't until I was running solo rather than fixing stuff for others that I had to face it? Last week my son had an altercation with two other boys at school and his property stolen. We dealt with it; a sit down with the parents and recovered the item taken. After it was over, I felt like my energy and direction was pulled out from under me; almost as thought I was sad the situation was resolved. That was when I knew I was in real trouble.
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  #48  
Old 12-30-2010, 05:50 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I'm getting disheartened in my search for a shrink.
I went through my insurance care provider list and scheduled an appointment with the one closest to me with the best credentials.

I walk in nervous; coming from a fundie family, even though I'm atheist, I still feel a bit of the old programming anf the need for a this kind of attention means you're weak and not "giving it to god" or, at worst, I'm possessed by demons. I feel embarrassed even though I know I shouldn't. But he had the Pfunk playing in his waiting room and that was nice. I love Pfunk!

Then I notice all the posters on the wall. At first I didn't think much. I admire ML King and the first two I see didn't send up any flags. But as I am surveying the room I see more posters with more militant themes.

He walks out in a dashiki and kufi. Not a biggie in of itself. I was wearing an ethnic styled top myself simply because I like the look of it and I don't feel one must wear a suit and tie to maintain a professional tone.
But he takes one look at me and seems confused. Just stands there for a second like he isn't sure what to do.
He doesn't ask me what I'm going through, how I'm feeling or anything like I expected. Asks some family history and geography questions (where am I from; where is my family from). He asks me where my husband is from and I tell him he was born and raised in DC but that I'd met him in my midwest hometown. Then he asks me what my husband's nationality is. This confuses me! I said he was born and raised in DC. That means he is a natural born citizen right? So I say "American".
They guy sighs heavily and says "not what I'm asking".
We just stare at each other in confusion for a few beats.
Then it sinks in.
"Ohhhhh. He is white."

He shuffles me off telling me to get a physical I can get that kind of advise from anyone. WTF!
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  #49  
Old 12-30-2010, 06:15 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I have heard that it's best to choose a mental-health professional of the same race and gender (or as close as possible to one's own gender), who is either the same age or slightly older than the client, and of similar cultural background. I can see certain advantages and reasons why this might be so.
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  #50  
Old 12-30-2010, 06:59 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I have heard that it's best to choose a mental-health professional of the same race and gender (or as close as possible to one's own gender), who is either the same age or slightly older than the client, and of similar cultural background. I can see certain advantages and reasons why this might be so.
A few on my list of providers specified which languages they can assist. This makes sense to me. But nothing listed for this guy suggested any color or creed preference. As un PC as it would be to have that info provided, it really would have saved me the wasted effort!

I don't have trouble communicating with men over women or women over men and my mix of friends is really motley so it never occurred to me to seek out any particular ethnicity or gender. I'm actually a bit stunned to have come up against this in 2010! So many in my area have a month or more wait list just to get an initial session. He was the first to call me back and had the earliest availability. I really wish, if he is so specialized, he would have just come out and said something. It was awful!
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