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  #31  
Old 10-05-2010, 07:22 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Its cool. I do hold some back concerning her in case Husband decides he wants to make his own posts.
understood
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  #32  
Old 10-12-2010, 06:58 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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And now a whole new dynamic to jealousy.

Husband and I had an awesome date night with each other last weekend. Dressed up to meow, really trendy spot with unusual menu items (like grasshoppers, pumpkin mole sauce and confit of baby pig tacos), came home on cloud nine with us both saying this place could be one of "our" special spots for date nights that we only take each other to, and just blisteringly hot for each other.

Great right? Well dumbass me thanked him for the night on his FB page when he linked the restaurant and raved about it. Now who I see is all sheepish and making comments about how he should probably take me out for similar (but not saying specifically this restaurant) and who husband sees is grumbling about being jealous that she didn't get grasshoppers!

Whaaaaat?!?
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  #33  
Old 10-17-2010, 03:35 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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This past week had some surprises.

I volunteered to help set up for a craft bazaar a few towns over from my own. Originally the meet up spot for folks who needed a ride was at my train stop, but at the last minute it was changed to one at the other end of the line. My husband was willing to drop me at that station because the line should be a circle but it hasn't been completed and I'd have to ride in a loop just to end up a few miles from the station closest to me. I told J about it and he offered to be the one who took me instead so my husband could just head straight to the office he has been installing a server in all weekend. We made further plans for him to pick me up so we could hang out together afterward.

J gave me a kiss before I left with the girl who was driving. She knew I was married and asked if he was my husband and for the sake of keeping it short I told her my husband was working this weekend and J was my boyfriend; that we were poly and she'd probably meet my husband some other time. She was not weird about it at all. In fact, I made a new friend and we all had a great time marking off the bazaar area for the individual booths and setting up tables.

When J picked me up I told him what I'd said to the girl who met me at the station. I realized at the last minute that "boyfriend" had fallen out of my mouth.
We sat there in silence for a few seconds while I internally panicked, but he put his hand on mine and told me it was appropriate. He said that we've been seeing each other four months and he had grown fond of me and really enjoyed the time we spent. That was nice and we had a great night.

I learned that he had been seeing someone when we met. It was a casual relationship with someone who traveled often and for long stretches. He said she never seemed very into him until she knew he was seeing someone else. She began to bad mouth me and the circumstances. They argued about it. After that she just disappeared. I felt bad because I know he is more monogamy minded and she wasn't married or anything, but he said he didn't trust the way she rarely made time for him even to just call until she thought she had to compete.

That morning however, I told him some of the thoughts that had been going through my head over the past week. One being that the cosmic comedy of life would probably bring someone to him that was more in line with what he idealizes the moment I start growing emotionally invested.
Why do I always have to be so spot on with this shit? Its getting eerie!
His response to that was that someone he has known for a while just found out that he lives near her and has asked him to hang out. He admitted he wondered if she meant that in a friendly way or in a romantic way.

So who knows how long this boyfriend tag will stay appropriate?
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  #34  
Old 10-29-2010, 04:14 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Things are still going well for me; both with my husband and with J. J came out with us in a large group of our friends to dress up as zombies for an organized Zombie Walk through the downtown section of our neighborhood. It was a really fun night.

Things on my husband's end with S have been going steadily down hill though. It doesn't seem to matter how friendly or welcoming I am with her. She was also invite out with us for the Zombie Walk, but refused to join us. She now prefaces any time her and husband see each other with

"I'm never going to be the "Husband's GF"
"I would never want to share someone in a relationship"
"I would want someone all to myself"
"We are just screwing and nothing more"

Is it odd that this pisses me off? I can't really find the words to express how I feel about it knowing this is her thinking. Part of it is that if she does feel this way, they she is doing something she would feel betrayed by if she were in my shoes. And it also lends to this feeling that my husband is being treated pretty shabby. Pretty much the same way I would view it if a guy had ever said to me "Shut up and give me your vagina; I don't want anything else out of you".

It has also become obvious that part of her new attitude is due to having chucked any attempts to slow down with her drinking. Right back to out of control and binge drinking. He is getting pretty frustrated.
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  #35  
Old 10-29-2010, 04:48 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It sounds like this is what it is. You can either take her as she presents herself or cut the dead weight and focus on finding someone who is more of a like mindset as yourselves.
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  #36  
Old 10-29-2010, 06:04 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
It sounds like this is what it is. You can either take her as she presents herself or cut the dead weight and focus on finding someone who is more of a like mindset as yourselves.
I agree and sex just for the sake of sex isn't something that bothers me. Its that 6 months in, her attitude has a biting and vindictive edge to it. I'm confused as to why when we have tried being more inclusive and welcoming and not limiting her to being treated to toy status. She seemed friendlier and more caring before we tried being so welcoming. It seems off and confusing.
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  #37  
Old 10-29-2010, 06:38 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
I agree and sex just for the sake of sex isn't something that bothers me. Its that 6 months in, her attitude has a biting and vindictive edge to it. I'm confused as to why when we have tried being more inclusive and welcoming and not limiting her to being treated to toy status. She seemed friendlier and more caring before we tried being so welcoming. It seems off and confusing.
Actually it reads pretty straight forward to me.

She was fine being used as a sex toy or FWB (I assume you were at that status)

She has a difficult time understanding sharing or being in a non-monogamous relationship with someone she loves

It sounds like she isn't poly or even non-monogamous. It sounds like she had fun, enjoyed the threesome, twosome whatever, but doesn't want to conceptualize or be part of a triad. The sharing aspect is making it uncomfortable. You becoming more welcoming is not what she wanted...

I think she is being honest and you don't want to accept it. In my triad that brought me into poly we had the exact same kind of girl. If it was FWB than she was fine. The second feelings started to come up she became uncomfortable. This girl would not consider herself non-monogamous because she was not monogamous at the time. Having sex with two people in an uncommitted situation is very different than actually being non-monogamous. I suppose I was lucky and it became uncomfortable, my "third" cut it off. She knew it was a mistake to continue, regardless of the sex.
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  #38  
Old 10-29-2010, 06:57 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Actually it reads pretty straight forward to me.

She was fine being used as a sex toy or FWB (I assume you were at that status)

She has a difficult time understanding sharing or being in a non-monogamous relationship with someone she loves

It sounds like she isn't poly or even non-monogamous. It sounds like she had fun, enjoyed the threesome, twosome whatever, but doesn't want to conceptualize or be part of a triad. The sharing aspect is making it uncomfortable. You becoming more welcoming is not what she wanted...

I think she is being honest and you don't want to accept it. In my triad that brought me into poly we had the exact same kind of girl. If it was FWB than she was fine. The second feelings started to come up she became uncomfortable. This girl would not consider herself non-monogamous because she was not monogamous at the time. Having sex with two people in an uncommitted situation is very different than actually being non-monogamous. I suppose I was lucky and it became uncomfortable, my "third" cut it off. She knew it was a mistake to continue, regardless of the sex.
This is essentially what I was trying to say too.
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  #39  
Old 11-05-2010, 02:50 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I think she is being honest and you don't want to accept it.
Hardly not willing to accept it. Just a bit frustrated as the entire tone of our initial set up was what she complained about. Now she has what she asked for, she is bothered and wants it the way it was before.

Its limping its way to the recycling bin.

And my take on it is a bit different. She tried managing her alcohol consumption because of problems it caused with her social circle and us. At one point, we were the only reason some of our mutual friends continued to invite her around. After a month of doing better with drinking, she is back to binge drinking. So its all walls up and avoiding anyone who was concerned for her over it. The wanting it back to the way it was before is pretty much a want for us to not care about how much she drinks anymore despite that her father is dying of liver failure and it runs high in her family without being related to drinking.

Its her drinking habits she knows we won't accept. And she wants to continue to binge drink.
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  #40  
Old 11-16-2010, 02:57 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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So I've been seeing J since early June. I like him. I enjoy his company. And he is really ideal because he respects my marriage and shows earnest in forging a friendship with my husband.
A couple months ago, I felt what I perceived to be the first rush of NRE. He was doing things that signaled in me that he was quite fond of me in a way that wasn't exclusively about sex. I liked that.
It did make me worry about a few things and we had a great, informative conversation about it that made us both feel closer to each other. I thought this was the kick off for all the NRE that gets talked about on here. But then we had friends come to town and family stuff and J had to leave town for a week for work. After a really bonding conversation, I didn't see him for shy of 3 weeks. It ebbed away.

We've been inviting him along on outings with friends. He comes over almost once a week just to hang out with us as friends and that has moved up to some small exchanges of affection in front of my husband. We discussed it first to find out what my husband was comfortable with and what is "overboard". But I still don't feel like I can enjoy these small gestures when my husband is around. Its not something my husband is doing; its me. I just can't relax about it.

And as far as the NRE goes. No rush or WHAM like I'd been warned. It lasts about 6 months? Well its been 6 months and hasn't really happened. I first chalked it up to being someone who has a slow wind up to an emotional connection. But looking back, this is kinda inaccurate. The delays of the past were typical of a lack of compatibility or through deliberate self control (like the first year after my ex and I ended an 8 year relationship).

So I'm left wondering if this is me experiencing a lack of compatibility or the side effect of not being able to relax because I don't have any experience in extending love to someone new when I already have love for another. I don't feel compelled to seek a new secondary partner. I don't feel a lack of fondness for J. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else finds it unusual to see someone for this long and not feel the NRE rush?
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