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  #1  
Old 01-05-2013, 08:30 PM
utopiaexploration utopiaexploration is offline
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Question fall in love all the time - to many relationships?

Its wonderful to live in a world with so many unique persons. Its to easy to start loving them. Could this be a problem?

Yes, if you alredy have a lot of other stuff running in life. Then start a tird relationship wich interests you and you want to grow, get to know more about the person and so on... how to do this?

And if not possible - how to chose, i have a hard time with monoamorous way of chooseing.

I also have som trouble with thinking of primary partner and secondary, i would like to see every person and relation as unique - but I cant share my consious in bigger part then sum of the whole. And to be realistic I know exactly witch person that is most important if I am, for a second, crass and egoistic.

And all the time this analysing is going on: why do i do like this, is it true? What if the monogamists are right? Wouldnt it just end that everybody gets hurt? Are all those lovestories just a way to not handle lacking self esteem?

But still this way make us so much more secure, let us live out our feelings and not suppress anything. That must be a good thing.

Do anybody recognice this confusion? Did you survive and have good advices? Im all ears!

Sorry for the english, not my naitive language.
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  #2  
Old 01-05-2013, 09:41 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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For me, the choice starts with how much I have going on in life. Very rarely is someone forced to spend so much time on things; it's a choice.

For example, if you have to work 80 hours a week to feed your family in a developing country, that doesn't leave much time for polyamory, and there's not much you can do about it except apply for emigration to a more prosperous country. But if you choose to work 80 hours a week so you can live in a half-million dollar home, that's another matter.

So first, recognize that you've set up your life to prioritize something other than free time and interpersonal relationships. Next, decide whether you are satisfied with that prioritization. If you are not, then start re-arranging your life so that you have more time to spend with people you love.

Another approach is just to be open with everyone about how much time you have to share with them. For many people, that's perfectly fine: they have their own lives and limited time as well. My girlfriend, for example, is just as busy as I am. We don't see each other all that often, but we cherish the time we have together.
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Old 01-05-2013, 10:41 PM
utopiaexploration utopiaexploration is offline
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Okey, maybe it aint the time counted in hours or days thats the problem.

more like the place it take in my mind, not just when the person is in front of me. maybe the question is: how much room does a hart have. how many full-time relationships can it handle?

And why do i engage with more people even thou I already feel that my love life has gone out of proportions?

or maybe I am just scared it will end badly somehow. I feel that i try to put breaks on some feelings because i dont want to make anybody or myself disapointed. maybe its morals from the monogamus socity that screams somewhere inside my head?

sorry if this is confusing, i try to find the up and down in my head as i write.

I also wonder: how much do you tell your partners about other relationships? For me its best just to know that they exists and that everybody keep in mind that VD also exsists.
So I just say that im nonmonogamus, then you dont touch the others fear.
Then everything is fine. But what if we just bump into eachother one sunny day? I use to not chose anybody if more then one lover are present, I rather go home alone then hurt anybody.

It has worked so far, but now i also have relationships with people that say like: ok, i like you and want to be with you, i tolerate that youare nonmonogamus but i wish you were not. - they dont share my view on relationships or lovelife, but are extremly open minded.

I guess i accept they are mono, but rather liked them not to be

But it all starts to get a bit of emotionally complex.

(again. sorry for the english)
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  #4  
Old 01-05-2013, 11:43 PM
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Ahh, that's a harder problem... But I think the best route is to stay with openness and honesty. Let each partner decide what's "too much" information, both in terms of what they hear about other partners, as well as what you share about them. Discuss it with each person and do what seems right by everyone. Err on the side of not sharing things that people would rather be kept private.

I caution against pretending to be monogamous, or telling them what you think they want to hear. It might seem convenient on the surface, and it will work for a little while, but eventually it will explode in your face. Your partners are (presumably) grown-ups. They can deal with information, though it might take some time. But they can't react to what they don't know.
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Old 01-06-2013, 06:33 AM
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hyena hyena is offline
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These are difficult concepts to express in a second language, so, first of all, good job.

If I'm reading you right, it seems like you're having trouble with being interested in too many people at once - or rather wanting a relationship with multiple, multiple people, but not knowing if that is okay or how to maintain that. If that's true, I'd say there are a couple things to look at.

What is the time frame? Do you have relationships that have been going for a long while? Or is this a situation in which you just seem to meet people very regularly who you fall for? Is it a matter of being in a relationship for 6 months or a year and then meeting a new partner, or a bunch of folks you are interested in just sort of floating about your life all the time?

I ask this because you mention that you love how many unique people are out there. I understand that feeling. It's gotten me in trouble in the past. Poly has been great for me because i've learned how much I appreciate all the different shapes, mentalities, ages, skills, etc that people have. I used to be kind of judgmental, but my mind has opened boatloads in the last couple of years. On the other side of that coin, though, I find myself feeling really infatuated with people pretty quickly, and while I'm fine with a very fluid sense of emotion and connection, many people aren't.

Sometimes, for me, it takes a while to realize whether I'm really interested in someone or whether I'm just excited about a new friend, or just physically attracted, or even simply lonely or bored. I've learned I need to keep my cards close to my chest for the first few months sometimes, because once those initial feelings of excitement die down I have a better idea of how I actually want things to play out (or whether it's a safe situation for everyone involved). When you meet people that are experienced with poly or open relationships, or even people who are very sexually or socially open-minded, you can often get away with blurring the lines at first. But people who are more traditional or rooted in monogamy (as you seem to imply) will often have a hard time being in that position.

You seem to say that you do have a definite sense of who is more "primary" to you. Where does everyone fall in that order? What interests you about them? Is it love, or infatuation, purely sexual, purely friendly? What are you looking for in each of these situations? Sometimes it takes a while to figure all of that out, but the bottom line is that you need to be straightforward with any prospective partner from the get go. It's hard to hear "I'm interested in you, but I'm not sure if you're a friend, fuck-buddy, sweetheart, or primary partner yet", and I'm sure a lot of people will back out, but it's the only way to be fair. Everyone does have different wants and needs, and I'm sure that some of the people you're interested in will be fine with the situation you want. On the other hand, you can't expect someone who is (for instance) single, monogamous, and interested in a long-term relationship to only be involved in 10% of your life if it's not what they want. You can't pretend to offer more if you don't have it.

Not sure this really reflects exactly what you're talking about, but I do hope it helps. And I especially hope you get this worked out! It's a complicated life.
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  #6  
Old 01-06-2013, 08:19 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
maybe the question is: how much room does a hart have. how many full-time relationships can it handle?
You can love as many as you want from a distance. Love can be infinite.

What you can have here on Earth in practical life terms? Everyone has a different polysaturation point. How many full time relationships you can handle and the quality of those relationships is affected by your human and non-human resources:
  • The free time you have available to date and be in relationship to sustain them and meet your partners needs and your own needs in relationship. (vs the time you spend on work, chores, etc)
  • The money you have to date and be in relationships and the relationship goals (dating, sharing a household, travel together, etc)
  • The skills you have to date to FIND relationship and the skills to BE in relationship once found
  • What kind of relationships you are after vs what your partners want. Some people want to travel, some want kids, some want something else. Some want many partners in a more time casual way, some want fewer partners in a more time intensive way. Everyone has their own wants, needs, and limits. Their own hopes and dreams for their life.

Quote:
And why do i engage with more people even thou I already feel that my love life has gone out of proportions?
That only YOU can answer. You control your own behavior.

If you have too many relationships right now to sustain and feel overwhelmed, it is YOU not meeting your own need to NOT be overwhelmed by the demands of meeting all these relationship needs. You spread yourself too thin. You could choose to stop doing that and accept your own polysaturation point as a personal limitation.

Quote:
or maybe I am just scared it will end badly somehow. I feel that i try to put breaks on some feelings because i dont want to make anybody or myself disapointed. maybe its morals from the monogamus socity that screams somewhere inside my head?
  • Just because you feel things for someone doesn't mean you have to act and pursue a romance with that person.
  • Just because you have the desire/capability to love more than one doesn't mean you have to be in a romance with everyone either.

YOU manage your time management and emotional management things. You have your personal polysaturation point as a limit. If you spread yourself too thin, you could choose stop it, accept your personal limitations, and choose to be in less polyships so it is more manageable for you.


Quote:
how much do you tell your partners about other relationships? For me its best just to know that they exists and that everybody keep in mind that VD also exsists.
So long as you and your partners are in agreement with that system, then it is good enough for you and your partners. But you actually have to ASK your partners if they agree to that system. Not do it without consulting them.

For myself, I prefer to just lay it all out on the table straight up:
  • This is what I want in a romance. This is what I'm willing to give you.
  • What do YOU want? What are you willing to give me?
  • How do we agree to be together in a romance?
  • What rights and responsibilities will we hold up in this relationship so we can be together in RIGHT relationship with everyone's wants, needs, and limits respected?

Don't line up? Don't date. It is not compatible. Just be friends.

Quote:
So I just say that im nonmonogamus, then you dont touch the others fear.
Then everything is fine. But what if we just bump into eachother one sunny day? I use to not chose anybody if more then one lover are present, I rather go home alone then hurt anybody.
I don't know what that means, I'm sorry. Could you rephrase that again? The English there is hard for me to understand.

Quote:
It has worked so far, but now i also have relationships with people that say like: ok, i like you and want to be with you, i tolerate that youare nonmonogamus but i wish you were not. - they dont share my view on relationships or lovelife, but are extremly open minded.
Fair enough. They tell you that they are willing to date you even though they are monoamorous and have the ability/desire to only love one person at a time. They know that you are not monoamorous but polyamorous and have the desire/capability to love more than one.

Quote:
I guess i accept they are mono, but rather liked them not to be
If you prefer your dating partners were polyamorous, do not date monoamorous people. Pretty simple.

Otherwise accept that your partners are how they are and date them how they are. They accept you, right?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-06-2013 at 08:29 AM.
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  #7  
Old 01-06-2013, 09:33 AM
utopiaexploration utopiaexploration is offline
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Lightbulb Thanks a lot!

Hyena and GalaGirl you got me focused on that I need to talk more about how to do this with those I love.

and a response to Hyena:
The relationships I have tend to last. Maybe they change form, going from lover to friends or opposite. Leaving aint my thing (if the relationship isnt destructive offcause or the other person just leavs without any alternatives).

(You can skip this part - only details
So many (sexual) relationships last long, Im not so old, so long maybe seem short to a older person? One is going for the tird year and we are both nonmon. so it works beautiful and i wouldnt skip that for anything. One is a person that I have known for verry long and shifted between lover/friend some times. Also importent. Kind of ambivalent to poly/mono I think. I definitly should talk to this person about it. And now I just met someone how never thought of that you can be something else than mono. But is ready to have a relationship anyway. I definitly need to talk to this person as well, but its harder when you hardly know one. And also there are a bunch of friends in the greyzone between friend/lover that also means a lot to me)


I think I have this romantic picture of that every person and relationship should be unique and not possible to arrange in any hierarchy. But what i relly feel dosent fit with that ideology and it makes me feel like a scumbag. Why do I always, automaticly, make this priority-lists in my head? You say that I should sort and label relationships, if i got you right? Maybe thats better then lying a little bit to oneself.

Respond to GalaGirl:
Yeah, you are right that i have full responsibility for my feelings and how i handle them. But this questions of the psycological resons for my actions and feelings always bugging me. Maybe its good to always be a bit aware of whats happening inside and question oneself? Asking it here is more of: "do you recognise this feeling of unsureness and how do you think and work around that?"

What I ment in the really-bad-english part was:
Two things at the same time, can explain the confusing result:
To avoid makeing people feel excluded I useually not choose in a choosing situation (like to partners at the same place, same time)

Also I dont give long description (as the one above) about exactly witch relationships and with whom I have. It worked so far, but im a little bit uneasy with what would happend if another partner came around the corner just as i was kissing with somebody else. Or just walking hand in hand. This worry tells me I should talk more to my partners about my other relationships. But my own feelings: I wanna know that other relationships exists but not anything about them - tells me not to talk to much.

But as you both so wisely say: I should ask my partners of what they wanna know.

This forum is great. A lot of people that understanding the troubbles and joy of alternative relationships! Here its not so common. Thanks for beeing!
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:02 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So you had a romantic picture thought in your head, and after living life and having some real life relationships, the reality did not match the dream.

Fair enough. Change your mind then, now that you have new information "Reality testing" showed otherwise. You can change your thoughts. Why does it make you feel like a scumbag to come to find that a thought turned out to be different in real life?

Are you being less than honest with your people? If you are being honest with them, then it isn't anything to feel scumbag about.

Quote:
Why do I always, automaticly, make this priority-lists in my head? You say that I should sort and label relationships, if i got you right? Maybe thats better then lying a little bit to oneself.
Could you be feeling scummy because you are in the habit of lying to yourself? You could stop doing that then, if that is the case.

It is human nature to want to sort things into "understandable." People have to think their thoughts -- learning to keep thoughts in good order. Like on the job -- if you were a baker you have to be able to think your thoughts in good order to follow a recipe. Can't frost the cake before the cake is even baked. There would be no cake around to frost!

It's the same in relationships. It's is the same with tending to the wants, needs, and limits of your shared relationship with your dating partner. Things happen step by step. And to figure out the steps, in our thoughts we try to organize things into understandable piles to ourselves. Then we sort it with the dating partner to see that we both want the same kind of relationship. Nobody can mind reader.

Can't kiss someone you never met. Can't kis someone who doesn't want to be kissed and expect them to like it!

Because all relationships have some things in common doesn't mean they are not special in of themselves. Because you have kissed A doesn't mean the kiss with B cannot be special!

How are you in the habit of talking to yourself inside your head? Do you talk down to yourself a lot? What's this whole scumbag thing about?

Quote:
But this questions of the psycological resons for my actions and feelings always bugging me. Maybe its good to always be a bit aware of whats happening inside and question oneself? Asking it here is more of: "do you recognise this feeling of unsureness and how do you think and work around that?"
Yes. It is ok to be unsure. How I handle it when I feel unsure? Be confident that I've handled things in the past. Assess. Make a plan. Try it out. See the outcome. Confidence is grown by doing.

I handle my life and my choices in honest, self respecting ways. My life experience doing this usually turns out good. So next time I am unsure, I choose "honest and self respecting" path again in that new situation and see how it will serve me. I make the new plan and there I go...

Quote:
To avoid makeing people feel excluded I useually not choose in a choosing situation (like to partners at the same place, same time)
Is this going out on a date with 2 of your sweeties at the same time?
How about choosing to INCLUDE THEM? Ask them out and if they are willing to share time with you like that. If they are, there. Problem solved.

If they are not, there. Problem still solved. They are not willing. You schedule a different time them and ask them each out on a date separately.

Be willing to let people own their own feelings. You cannot MAKE them feel anything. You cannot control what they might feel or not feel.

Behave well towards your people, and ask what they are willing to do or not. That you DO control -- your own behavior.

Quote:
Also I dont give long description (as the one above) about exactly witch relationships and with whom I have. It worked so far, but im a little bit uneasy with what would happend if another partner came around the corner just as i was kissing with somebody else. Or just walking hand in hand. This worry tells me I should talk more to my partners about my other relationships.
Correct. Tell them you have other relationships and how they want to handle it should they come across you while on a date with someone else. Then you don't have to be worrying about it.

I'm sorry if you feel like a scumbag to yourself in balancing polyshipping needs. But you don't need to be feeling bad.
  • You could choose to be honest with yourself.
  • You could choose to be honest and up front with partners and ask your partners what sort of agreements they want in regards to how much about your other partners they want to know. Is DADT enough for them or they want some other kind of agreement?

Then see if you feel better when you have laid it all out on the table.

Quote:
But my own feelings: I wanna know that other relationships exists but not anything about them - tells me not to talk to much.
That is YOUR preference to hear about you hearing about THEIR other partners. That does not mean they share the same preference and this is what THEY want for themselves in hearing about YOUR other partners.

You might like vanilla ice cream. They might like strawberry. Everyone has their own preference for ice cream, right? You have your relationship preferences and they have theirs. Talk about it with your people.

Platinum rule is to treat others in the way they wish to be treated. Since you are not a mind reader -- ask them how they wish to be treated so you can treat them that way.

Glad to be of help -- hope you can get to a place where you feel better in yourself.

Namaste,
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-06-2013 at 10:08 PM.
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  #9  
Old 01-07-2013, 05:26 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by utopiaexploration View Post
I think I have this romantic picture of that every person and relationship should be unique and not possible to arrange in any hierarchy. But what i relly feel dosent fit with that ideology and it makes me feel like a scumbag. Why do I always, automaticly, make this priority-lists in my head? You say that I should sort and label relationships, if i got you right? Maybe thats better then lying a little bit to oneself.
Yeah, I've had to learn that my "shoulds" rarely line up with what "is." I can strive towards certain goals, but reality is reality.

There's no universal "hierarchy is good" or "hierarchy is bad." It's whatever works for the people involved.

I don't think there's anything wrong with prioritizing. Otherwise, it's easy to just fumble around in the dark, or to find yourself doing things just to even the score, and not because it's what you actually want to do.

If you find yourself automatically slipping into hierarchy, and you're trying to be non-hierarchical, it might not be only yourself to whom you're lying. Better for people to know where they stand and what they can expect from you.
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