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Old 12-09-2012, 01:55 AM
Tom Tom is offline
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Default Hi there :)

Hi guys. I'm new to this forum but not to polyamory. I had a medical issue 2 years ago that prompted my wife and I to take on a lover for her with my acceptance and best wishes. I'd love to share my story if anyone is interested or has any questions Looking forward to contributing to this forum as best as I can.

Tom
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Old 12-09-2012, 02:57 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Hi Tom and welcome to the forums!

Feel free to share your story - we have a "Life stories and blogs" subforum here for just that! or you could post an abbreviated version here in your intro.

People come to poly via various avenues - we (or at least I and several others I have observed) love to hear how folks came to find us.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 12-09-2012, 10:14 PM
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Hi Tom,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm sure you'll enjoy your time here; look around and see what threads call to you; also any thoughts or questions you have, feel free to post.

How are things with the wife's lover? Any bumps in the road and if so, how did you approach those?

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 12-21-2012, 06:28 AM
Tom Tom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Tom,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm sure you'll enjoy your time here; look around and see what threads call to you; also any thoughts or questions you have, feel free to post.

How are things with the wife's lover? Any bumps in the road and if so, how did you approach those?

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Hi there. I definitely feel welcomed already. I guess I can give an intro to our situation and continue my life-story thread in the blog section I guess? My wife (Rebecca) and I have been married for 19 years. I'm 46 and shes 44 but we both look younger than our ages due to staying in shape and eating right. We met in college and fell in love almost instantly. We were and still are best friends to this day. We have an 18 year old son (away at college) and 15 year old daughter.

As mentioned in my first post, we ventured into polyamory by default due to a certain incident I had 2 years ago. Without wasting time and going into much detail, I'll just say that I was in a skiing accident that had injured my manhood parts. The outcome was depressing and tough for me to handle. Being intimate with my wife became very rare and at times because of the pain, almost non-existent for the first year after my injuries. But my wife being the perfect woman she is ,had no problem with my struggles. She was my rock and stood next to me the entire time.

But regardless of how well my wife was coping with my situation, I was still bothered by the thought of letting my wife down intimately. We weren't having the sex we used to have and I felt like I was unfairly "punishing" her for what I had done on my own accord. So 1 year after my accident, I sat Rebecca down and told her that I loved her too much to make her suffer anymore. I told her that I had thought it through and decided that I would be ok with her having another lover on the side that could better fulfill her needs than what I thought I should be doing. She said she didn't want to and that she loved me but I could see it in her eyes that my offer was definitely enticing. I told her to think about it and that she could act on it however and whenever she wants.

About a month passes, one day Rebecca tells me that she'd be going out to dinner with a co-worker from her firm that night. She dresses up very nicely with an expensive, fancy dress, great make up, etc. I assumed she and a gf of hers would be celebrating a deal that she had just closed with a huge corporation. She only texted me once during her dinner and came home at 3am. She was a lot more relaxed than she had been when she left and looked very happy. She came to bed and I asked her how her night was and if "he" treated her right. She was a little shocked and embarrassed at first but realized I was completely fine with her night with a male friend. We had a 2 hour conversation the next morning about him, what they did and what she expects their fling to go. His name is Dan, 44 years old, has worked with my wife for 5 years, divorced, in great shape and very good looking.

It turns out that he always had a thing for my wife since he started working at her firm. He would flirt with her knowing she was married but my wife being loyal as she was would brush him off. It was about 3 weeks after my offer for poly to my wife where Rebecca started opening up to Dan at work and having lunch together almost everyday until she finally had the guts to explain to him our situation and how she would like to pursue something with him and possibly see where it would lead. Luckily for the both of us, he was completely understanding and jumped on board right away. He told my wife that he would treat their relationship as if they were boyfriend/girlfriend and understood that I would still be a major part of her life. For the next 2 months, Rebecca and Dan would continue to date and develop their relationship. I had not met him yet at that point as my wife decided it would be best to keep him away while they focused on exploring the possibilities of a long-term relationship.

During this 2 month period, Rebecca would not come home once or twice a week because Dan lives about 30 minutes away from us and they would have sex at his place so it would be very tiring and time-consuming for her to commute back late at night after their time together. Our daughter, who lives with us, never suspected anything because my wife said that she'd be working late during those days and would be home after our daughter had gone to sleep. She would be back home early next morning before my daughter would realize she was gone all night. That routine eventually took its toll on my wife and at the 2 month mark, she came to me and said that she thought it was time to officially involve Dan in our marriage. I accepted full heartedly. I met him 2 months after their relationship began at our home. He was easy to get along with from the start and I had a hunch that we would have some hiccups in the short-run but would eventually work everything out.

The next day, Rebecca and I made two important decisions. First, that we would sit down with our kids and tell them what is going on. We knew that there was no way we could do something like this and have them not find out. The last thing we wanted is them finding out on their own. And secondly, both wife and I agreed to have Dan use our pull-out bed couch in our office room whenever he felt like staying over and additionally use some closet space for extra clothes and other stuff he may need. The latter went over very smoothly but the kids was harder as we expected. Our daughter and son took the news much differently than each other. Our daughter immediately hugged me when we told her and said that she admired my love for her mother to do something like this. Wished both of us the best and said that she would really be ok with anything we decided to do. Our son on the other hand didn't take the news very well. He thought we were being "stupid" and began to slut shame his mother and questioned my place as her husband. I was quick to tell him to quit and the conversation ended with him storming off.

Our son then became very distant and cold to my wife for the next 2 weeks. It was at the end of those 2 weeks where our son miraculously got on better terms with his mother and acknowledged that he was now ok with the poly arrangement and that he would be away at college most of the time so it didn't matter. Meanwhile, Dan began to move some of his clothes and things into our home all while keeping his home. He said he'd like to have some place he can go to that fully belonged to him when he needed the time and space. Since the day he "moved in," everything has gone very smoothly and nice. Dan understood that we were both sharing my wife for her love and affection and that there would be times that she favored me over him and sometimes where she favored him over me. I was her husband and he was her boyfriend and that was set in stone. The sleeping arrangement is decided by my wife to be fair to all. She and I share our bedroom bed together for sex and sleeping. However, the pull out bed in the office is too weak for sexual activity so I agreed to let my wife and Dan have our bed for intimacy but if she wanted to sleep with him through the night, she would share the pull-out bed with Dan.

The intimate aspect of our relationship has a lot of details and aspects to it but I won't go into full length to avoid making this longer than it is going to be but I don't mind answering any questions you all may have. We were all on a roll and everything was running smoothly with both relationships my wife was partaking with. The only issue I had with Dan since since this all started came about the 6 month mark. It was an isolated incident that led to he and I having a discussion regarding mutual respect and consideration. That day, he and my wife spending the night at his place. I had a very important question to ask her regarding our son's tuition so I called her about 5 times and it kept going straight to voicemail. Finally, Rebecca picked up on the 6th call and was out of breath. It was very clear that she and Dan were having sex. I told her that I didn't like having to try that hard to get a hold of her and she apologized and said they just got stuck in the heat of the moment.

I found out the next day that Rebecca actually tried to pick her cell phone up after the 3rd call but Dan insisted that they finish up first. I figured that he would realize that there was surely something important for me to call that many times but he didn't get the hint. We had a discussion about boundaries and limits and since that day, he has been doing great at maintaining OUR priorities. We have made sure to have full communication between the three of us and to not hold anything back if something must be said. And we all have our rules as expected. As far as other people knowing besides our household, my Rebecca's best friend, her sister, and Dan's ex-wife know about our arrangement. No one else has a clue and we intend to keep it that way. Up until recently, Dan and I have bonded very well as friends too. For instance, we both watch Sunday football together and even root for rival teams. My daughter adores Dan and sees him as a supportive uncle as does my son now and days. They have actually hung out together just the two of them and my son finally approves of him. There were 2 more milestones a couple of weeks ago. One, my wife officially said that she loved Dan both to him and myself. Two, our entire family (including Dan) went on our first family trip together to Miami. It was very fun and a great experience for all of us. This post is already too long so I'll try and cut it right here. If anyone has any questions or would like to know more about certain things, please let me know
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Old 12-26-2012, 01:54 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I'm sorry I didn't get back to your thread sooner - that is an absolutely amazing story!

Congratulations on making such a smooth transition. My position is similar in many ways to your wife's. I live with my husband and my boyfriend. We have had a few wrinkles regarding boundaries which have actually become much easier to iron out as they come up the longer that we have been together - as each person learns to see and understand the position of the other(s) - so I think that the fact that you all have done so well so far bodes very well.

I do think that developing a strong friendship with your metamour (your wife's boyfriend) is key, especially since you are "cohabitating" to some degree. If you end up caring for and respecting each other for your own sakes (not just for your wife's sake) then that makes it even easier to consider the other's reactions. (Dude and MrS had the advantage of already being best friends before I even met Dude.)

I am very impressed by the path that you have taken, and wish you, your wife, (and her boyfriend) all the best. There will be bumps in the road (we are still running into them two years in) - feel free to use this forum as a sounding board. (or PM me if you want a female "hinge's" viewpoint - not that I am necessarily anything like your wife).

Do your wife (and her boyfriend) have any poly resources they are utilizing (like this forum)? Sometimes people who are caught up in NRE (new relationship energy) can get so caught up in the "new shiny" thing that they can lose their perspective - forums, like this one, can provide some insight as to how to navigate some of the milestones.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #6  
Old 12-26-2012, 11:34 PM
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I, too, apologize that I didn't get back to your thread sooner. Somehow it got lost in the shuffle, but now that I've read your longer post, I, also, am amazed. I'm amazed at the generous love you've shown to all concerned, your wife, Dan, and the kids. It is great that your son came around and accepted it despite his initial reaction.

I am sure you'll encounter other bumps in the road from time to time, but as long as you keep the doors of communication open, you will probably come out fine. Sounds like Dan is a pretty okay guy. All of you are fortunate.

Concerning your injury, do you feel like you are not getting as much, well, sex, with your wife as you would want to have? I mean, do you feel shortchanged in that way? You can disregard these questions if they're too personal.

Thank you for sharing your story, it is very uplifting.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-01-2013, 11:48 PM
Tom Tom is offline
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Hi Jane! Happy New Year! So great to hear about your story as well. Would love to share stories and experiences being that we have a very similar, maybe even same, dynamic going on.

Feel free to ask me ANYTHING through this board or PM regarding anything you would like and that goes for anyone of you as well. As far as your question goes, I have shown and discussed this forum with Rebecca and she loves it. She is a little tight on time at the moment but has expressed interest in playing tandem on my account in the future so that she can share her side of our experience while I share mine at the same time.

I have not discussed this forum with Dan but I'm sure Rebecca will in the future. I have some questions for you as well if you don't mind. Please let me know if you would like to refrain from answering or if you would prefer, PM me your answers.

1. How did your relationship with bf start? emotional? physical?

2. Do you have kids? if so, do they know and how do they feel about your poly life?

3. Does anyone outside your household know about your relationships?

4. Do you decide who you spend the night with like my wife or is it a decision based on all three of you?

Thanks!
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Old 01-02-2013, 12:15 AM
Tom Tom is offline
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Hi Kevin! Happy New Year to you too! No question is too personal so please feel free to ask anything. As far as the sex goes, it's a lot better than it was a year and a half ago in general. The quality of sex has greatly improved despite the quantity decreasing. But, I was never a sex nympho or anything even during the early years of our marriage so the change in frequency now does not bother me as much you would think it would.

My wife and I have sex about once a week while she and Dan have sex 2-3 times a week and I feel completely content with that. I don't feel shortchanged at all because I know Rebecca's sex with me is based on what I can and am willing to do. She tells me on a regular basis that she would have sex with me more than we already do if I am up for it because she loves me and will always be there when I need her. I have told that I'm completely happy with our sex life as it is now numerous times as well.

My wife and I have a very natural and open dialogue about all aspects of our poly life including the sex and I (we) are open to discuss anything about it.
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Old 01-02-2013, 02:29 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Happy New Year to you too, Tom!

I don't mind answering your questions at all. You can read the detailed version in my "Journey" blog here (the Jackassery section) - I made mistakes, largely because I was deluding myself about what was happening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom View Post
1. How did your relationship with bf start? emotional? physical?
Physical. I am a very flirty person, with everyone, all of the time. This time was different, I was in over my head before I knew it. I had a fair amount of stored up "horny" and assumed that this was "just" a crazy crush, sex thing. Took me about 9 months to really acknowledge (to myself) the emotional component (they both saw it before I did).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom View Post
2. Do you have kids? if so, do they know and how do they feel about your poly life?
We don't have kids. (Which was not the original plan, but that is another story.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom View Post
3. Does anyone outside your household know about your relationships?
Our small close circle of friends know the whole situation. Our families know that Dude "officially" lives with us and that we are all close. They have incorporated him into our "family" functions (they know he is estranged from his family) and I am sure suspect more but we have never discussed any details. To everyone else, he is our "roommate".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom View Post
4. Do you decide who you spend the night with like my wife or is it a decision based on all three of you?
There are kind of two parts to this - the actual sleeping part, and the having sex part. Our schedules are very staggered, so while we all three sleep in the same king-sized bed, we are coming and going to bed at different times. I just go to sleep in the middle regardless of who is with me or if I am alone. (Sometimes Dude chooses to sleep on the couch if MrS is already asleep because MrS snores). Dude likes to cuddle while sleeping, MrS does not. We each have our own blankets if we want them.

In terms of the sex part. MrS has a very low libido (like weeks/months apart is ok with him) and Dude a super high one (2-3 times a day would be good), I'm kind of average (couple/three times a week). If I am "in the mood" when I go to bed I will ask for a "tucking-in" and Dude usually volunteers (although, I occasionally get a "double-tucking" and that is FINE with me - the boys are both straight so I get ALL the attention). Dude and I also regularly shower together, while MrS prefers to shower alone. Other than that, I may be receptive to Dude at other times - and let him drag me off to the bedroom (or elsewhere if MrS is asleep). I'm up for sex with MrS anytime he wants (the very fact that he is "in the mood" is a turn-on) but he only rarely "stakes a claim" for an evening. I think the fact that Dude has sex with me much more frequently balances the fact that MrS gets "dibs" if he wants them (neither of them have raised any objections in this regard).

We had a lot more boundaries early on about when, where, checking in ahead of time etc. - these have all gradually gone by the wayside. The only remaining "boundary" is that Dude and I don't have sex in the bed if MrS is IN it (and not participating) - which seems more than reasonable.

In terms of other "time-sharing" (not that you asked, but it seems relevant). Most of our at home relaxing time is all three of us on our computers, listening to music, watching TV/movies, talking, etc. They have projects that they work on together while I am at work (which pre-dates my involvement with Dude - but now includes house/car stuff). When we go "out" it is usually all three together (again which pre-dates my involvement with Dude) - concerts, movies, eating-out, travel. I do get one-on-one "dates" with them when one is not interested in going, or I'll do errands with one and we will stop at a restaurant. But this is not scheduled or kept track of - it's all a matter of circumstances.

The only thing that I would change, in this regard, is that I would like a once-a-month or so private date/evening with each of them. The date would not be a problem - we just have to actually PLAN something (which we are all bad at) but to get a night at home alone would involve kicking someone out of the house for the evening...and we seriously live in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (which I love, but limits the night-life options) and all of our friends have kids.

JaneQ

PS. In terms of your wife joining in tandem on your account. It can be done ("MrS here: posting on JaneQ's account") but most people here find it easier to follow when people have separate accounts and then have shared threads or blogs (you can check out Mya and Rory's blog for an example).
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-02-2013 at 02:34 AM.
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Old 01-02-2013, 08:59 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Tom,

That's cool, it sounds like you have a pretty good set-up that is working for all involved. Things don't all have to be exactly equal in poly for it to work, they just have to reasonably meet the needs of each unique individual.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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