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  #1  
Old 09-02-2010, 05:19 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Default Creating the relationship you want

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

We walked into this totally blindfolded (amazing how you can think you're open, only to discover you still had blinders on) without having discussions about what poly means to us, what we want, and where we want to go.

So when he found someone... it threw me. And through much conversation, tears, stress and anxiety... we've almost come out of this with some clarity.

We have had many discussions (and many more to come) about where we want to be right *now* with this. I recognize that relationships are fluid and changing and that my needs/wants/desires/restrictions/rules may change as well as everyone else's... and we will continue to have those conversations that will adjust us and how we relate to each other.

So when you started your poly journey - how did it all start? How did you get to the point of knowing what worked for you and where you wanted to go? Was it an easy process?
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Old 09-02-2010, 05:37 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I was a strict unicon hunting 3some lover.

I am now involved in a V...am a metamour and well...its complicated.

I had to completely change the "what I wanted" to "be adaptive in my desires"...

I still have dreams...but those are no longer expectations or even on my radar in many cases.
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Old 09-02-2010, 06:25 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

So when you started your poly journey - how did it all start? How did you get to the point of knowing what worked for you and where you wanted to go? Was it an easy process?
Are you kidding me??? Easy!! I have lost 10 pounds (9% of body weight!!), had a pounding chest, nausea and swirling tornadoes of emotion for over a month now - obviously, off and on! I truly am not sure why I am still hanging on for dear life....but maybe just maybe I am actually learning something about myself, and changing for the better! Or maybe, I am just F***ED UP!!

I suppose if you really want it, perserverance is good...but truly some moments I am not sure why I want it so much!
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Old 09-02-2010, 07:40 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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For me it's been a 7? year process. We started out unicorn hunting, looked into swinging, hit some rough patches with the online dating world, and have now come to a place where things make some sense. It hasn't been easy or quick but we took our time getting to know ourselves and what we really wanted and have come out the other side the better for it.

I never would have thought at the beginning of this journey that opening ourselves up to loving others would result in bringing us closer together. The one thing that this journey has given me is the knowledge that my husband wants to be with me and isn't just settling for what he can get. Give it time, this isn't the kind of thing that you're going to be comfortable with overnight. Keep talking about how you feel and why you feel that way.
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Old 09-03-2010, 07:49 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I talk about this in the first posts to my blog...http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3421 post #3 at least in terms of my beginnings anyway.

We talked about it at our last poly meeting too. Which I also talked about on my blog. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=3421&page=18 post #179

I found it interesting that everyone at our poly group seemed to have the common goal and basic need to feel like they "belonged." PN and I talked about it afterwards on our date night the night after. We wondered why "belonging" was different than having a "relationship," or creating "relationships" as we expected it to be.

It came up because I felt so wonderfully warmed to my community and as if they are all my loves. I feel as if I belong to my tribe and have a relationship with them as a group but also with my outer community locally and then again on here... I feel I belong, yet it's different.

So, the definitions of both by thefreedictionary.com are as such:

belonging: Acceptance as a natural member or part, secure relationship affinity

relationship: the state of being connected or related, association by blood or marriage; kinship, the mutual dealings, connections, or feelings that exist between two parties, countries, people, etc

Is "belonging" simply what comes after a "relationship" is formed? After I feel a kinship and have mutual dealings and feel connected and that I can relate, then I will feel I "belong?" Like I have a secure relationship affinity?

If this is so, then I also want and did want to "belong" somewhere. I wanted to "belong" to my loves, many loves... a whole slew of people who love me, beyond my birth family. I wanted chosen family to "belong" to that would live together or closely.... in that I wanted "relationships" with all of them that were loving, rewarding, respectful, connected and on going.

In thinking about it all, I think I have found it and continue to find it over and over again. Not only have I created the "relationships" I want/need, but I have created the "belonging" I need too. Thanks for being a part of that... all of you.
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Old 09-03-2010, 01:42 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I had many talks with my husband about my being "different". It took a while before I put my finger on it, and we talked a lot, negotiated rules, etc.
It ended up not working for us that well as one of us would always feel like they had the raw end of the deal.
When I actually met someone it all felt more natural. Constant communication is what works for us, much better than any hard-set rules.
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Old 09-05-2010, 12:43 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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I don't think you could even come close to saying it was an easy process for us.

We were a monogamous couple for 18 years, aware of poly but not interested. We decided to give poly a try...well, it's complicated. Emotions were right, people were right. But at no point in the process has it been easy. We read books, we researched online, we had endless hours of conversation. The first time Easy was with Asha, I lost it, I was totally not prepared. I had asked them to take it slow, but I had failed to define slow. The first time I was with Sunday, Asha lost it. (Most. Miserable. Birthday. Ever.) She felt rejected by him, for various reasons. It's been painful, it's been crazy, it's been up and down and all around. There have definitely been a number of things that we've had to put away for later perusal and real life has definitely left some of us waiting while others rushed around taking care of business.

The best things that have worked for us are: learning to communicate clearly what we need, carefully identifying what we need, and never never never keeping secrets. It's important to note that right now, no one is being intimate outside of their primary relationships--no one has time, and there have been some outside emotional issues that would make it seem like a bad idea. But that also means that we're not dealing with issues that we had earlier in the relationship because they simply aren't happening.

The bottom line is of course it wasn't easy. We thought we were prepared and we weren't. But starting my marriage with Easy wasn't easy, either--there's always going to be adjustments that need to be made. It's a learning process.
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Old 09-05-2010, 04:15 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Ummmmmmmmm

I'm not convinced you can "create" a relationship ? At least I can't recall hearing of one developing that way. But maybe it's possible ?

From what I've (and many others I know) seen, it seems more a question of "discovering" a relationship and then having to learn the skills necessary to nurture it.

As to where you 'want to be', I think that changes over time and circumstances and evolves.

For us as a primary couple, although in out hearts we always understand what's called 'poly' now, the practical parts of it like most everyone were beyond our experience. So we stumbled, fumbled, cried, screamed, got depressed, got ecstatic, became settled ............all of it.
If we had had a resource like this it probably would have made it a lot easier. But you still have to 'live' it to learn it in the end.

Develop a thicker skin. Smile more. Understand that all things must pass........

GS
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Old 09-05-2010, 05:31 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Develop a thicker skin. Smile more. Understand that all things must pass........
GS
Yes! I agree!! Words to live by!

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  #10  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:57 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Ummmmmmmmm

I'm not convinced you can "create" a relationship ? At least I can't recall hearing of one developing that way. But maybe it's possible ?
I totally created my marriage.

I sat down one day, thought about the personality traits of the person I was looking for. I wrote them down.

When I met my (now) husband, as I got to know him - I realized - he had EVERY SINGLE ONE of those personality traits that I was looking for. I still have that original piece of paper - and it still amazes me how closely he is aligned to that.

I created the relationship I wanted. I defined who I was looking for - and I found him. And we've been together for 12.5 years.

So in creating what poly looks like for me - I am not closed to different relationships - but am looking to define what works for me and my values and my life.
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