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  #11  
Old 09-03-2010, 01:27 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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The book "Sex at Dawn" mentions that "watching a woman with other men" thing, and how it's based on instinct. If it's about the sexual aspect only, I would say it is swinging territory. If you think that want for her to be happy and fulfilled, be it with you or someone else, can extent to emotions (as in, watching her be in love would make you very happy), then that would make you a "poly-friendly" partner, although you seem mono yourself.
This being said, it seems from your post that it's only on a sexual level.

I can't say I find your case weird. Not only do I know many many guys in your case, but "Sex at Dawn" explains how it came to be (you mention it in your introductory post, the fact that the species is adapted to females having multiple partners, and so on).

I think one thing here is important though: you would enjoy it, but maybe she wouldn't. It is your fantasy here, not hers. While it's good to make her understand you're fine with it, she needs to know she doesn't have to ever do it, and you need to accept that maybe she doesn't want to. You said that you have no interest in doing the same thing, after all.
Also, you need to keep in mind that there would be a third person: the other man. Someone who has feelings, expectations, etc, and might not want to feel used as a sex toy.
And finally, there is the possibility that this arouses you extremely but that you would actually hate it f it happened. While you seem to be very aroused by the idea, it's still possible that seeing it would awaken weird, conflicting emotions. So I would say, make sure you're comfortable with it 100% and it's not one of these fantasies that are only arousing as long as they stay fantasies.

Otherwise, I don't have much advice for you... And polyamory focuses on the emotional aspect of things so I would say you could get more advice in another forum that is more sex-focused (not that we don't talk about sex here, mind you!)

Good luck
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  #12  
Old 09-03-2010, 03:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I can't say I find your case weird.
I love weird. heh

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Also, you need to keep in mind that there would be a third person: the other man. Someone who has feelings, expectations, etc, and might not want to feel used as a sex toy.
I would suspect that any man who is involved would agree to being a sex toy and enjoy that. I would hope that you would respect him what your expectation is so that he can decide if he wants to be involved.... or your wife rather. that is if it is to become a long term thing with a play partner.

otherwise the scenario of her going out and finding a man for a one nighter is different.

the whole thing with kink is to respect people yet be creative and explore that. it isn't weird, it's fun. Fun to let your mind go to places that are deemed "wrong." Treading slowly and checking motives is important... never pushing agendas or forcing. Everyone must be willing and this is what I am concerned about with this OPer.

Sure, it might not be for everyone, but I believe there is room for everyones kink in the world as long as boundaries are respected and the real nasty stuff that society doesn't like is kept at bay and is respected as PLAY, not reality. Or something one can do with unwilling participants.
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  #13  
Old 09-04-2010, 07:52 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Is that supposed to make me behave?
Nah. It just sounded like it'd be fun.
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  #14  
Old 09-05-2010, 12:23 AM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Just adding my echo to what Tonberry and Redpepper have said.

Personally, I have this same kink in a big way. But in my mind, polyamory only would start if this kink became something more serious between your wife and her/your kink partner. That's me talking only; there is considerable difference of opinion about what is polyamory and what isn't.

And it sure does sound like your fantasy, not hers. Not fair to push her into it if so.

I really like RP's idea of finding a gf (sexual or non-sexual) to share this sort of voyeurism with. Also it would be a safer emotional venue to explore it with someone who wasn't as important to you as your wife. Any idea how she would react to this idea? If nothing else, talking about it might help her understand just how serious you are about wanting this.

Good luck.


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Quote:
I would have no problem friending someone that likes to here my stories and perhaps watch me and my loves have sex because it turns them on. Dressing up for them, having them watch me at a bar at a distance. I would get off on that greatly.
That is so fucking hot. I would totally love to be on either side of that, as the voyeur or the exhibitionist.
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  #15  
Old 09-07-2010, 04:51 AM
candaules candaules is offline
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I appreciate all of the thoughtful replies here. I understand that this isn't polyamory. For me the excitement is the pleasure she would get and enjoy. If she isn't doing it for herself, then what is the point. I don't want her to do this just for me.

I would like to see this as driver to more intimacy, sex, and togetherness for us.

As I said I make it clear that I don't mind her flirting with and enjoying attention from other males, I encourage it. I make a point of telling her to enjoy herself and her free drinks.

She has also responded during sex in a couple ways. Once on a vacation to a resort she headed up to our room alone while I stayed with our child down at the pool so she could take a nap. We came up an hour or so later to find her in bed naked and asleep. After putting the baby down for a nap I joined her in bed and she woke up, we started making out. I was telling her how beautiful she is and how sexy it was to find her in bed naked. She said something to the effect that perhaps another guy already beat me to the punch. That really charged things up. I told her I hope that was the case that she enjoyed herself. I imagine us being at the beach or pool, she meets a guy she finds attractive and then seeing her take him up to our room alone. I go up a while later to not only find her sleeping naked in our bed, but an odor of sex and stained sheets along with it.

Recently during sex I told her how the idea of her taking a lover and enjoying herself made me hot. She then went on to say, oh you mean my "Portuguese Lover" and we both went on from there a bit about him. She was laughing while saying this thinking I was silly.

So she has started to play along somewhat and seems to like pushing my buttons.

I will continue to let her know the door is open.
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  #16  
Old 09-08-2010, 08:03 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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This is a bit off topic, but I just read the book you referenced in your first post, Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. Parts of it were very disturbing to me, but I found all of it to be enlightening and interesting.

I'm a little confused at your interpretation as it applies to this topic though. A big part of the book stresses that men and women often have different things to gain and lose when they have sex (as it relates to their chances to reproduce and have grandchildren). From this perspective, its hard to see how this fantasy could have positive reproductive ramifications for the man who wants to see his long term partner have sex with another man. He would be initiating a sperm war that he might very well lose, and thus reducing his own chance of fathering another child with his partner. If he does lose the sperm war and thus his partner is impregnated with another man's baby, its hard to see any upside for him, reproductively speaking.

Do you have another conclusion? There must be some evolutionary upside to this that I haven't thought of. Otherwise this fantasy wouldn't be common to you, me, and so many other men.


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  #17  
Old 09-08-2010, 08:09 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
The book "Sex at Dawn" mentions that "watching a woman with other men" thing, )
Watching a strange woman with a strange man I get. Watching my partner with another male besides her husband...great way to induce vomitting
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