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  #1  
Old 12-01-2012, 04:52 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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Default Where I'm at...

OK. I'm in. I really need to talk/write about this stuff in my brain just to make sense of it.

I got here because one of my lovers labelled himself as poly within about 2 days of our "meeting." Yay for honesty. And I really like him and respect him. Sadly, at that point I had no idea what all that could encompass. My gut reaction when he said he was poly (within a few days) was "oh hell no." (Keep reading)

In my mind, from the poly people I'd known it meant a lot of form and structure and quads and triads and rules and basically everything that (for me) does not work any more than monogamy has worked.(In my head, "I don't want to be part of a pod! I don't want to have to do that! I don't want all those every time I want to be in endless talking talking talking about any of it. Noooo.... 3 other roommates.....I want it to be and happen and work or not.") (And I know that works for many poly people and I am not giving any disrespect...it does not work for me) Monogamy fits me like a ill fitting sweater, I have tried, and tried desperately. But I also know what I like in life.

So, I meet this new love/r and start to wrap my head around it. (Labels and identity and all of it) And realize there is this whole spectrum of nonmonogamy. I didn't know, I was always pretty much doing my own thing over here. Not thinking about any of it much. And to be honest, I really really like him. Enough to break out of my not thinking about this and start thinking.Needless to say, his version of poly is very different from my initial thoughts.

I am ridiculously happy on my own. 80-90% of the time. I really am very content. I like to be alone. I treasure being alone. After many, many years of single parenting, I am enjoying getting to know ME. And in general, I've mostly lived like this...just me and a few select very nice loves and lovers, for most of my life.

It's been an odd trying to get on the same page. When he first said he was poly, I was like OH HELL NO. For the reasons above and if you have read this far, maybe you get that. But, I do know, while we have been working on that, after that reaction... he thought I was straight up "NO I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA AND HAVE LOT OF BABIES AND YOU CAN NEVER SEE ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER EVVVVAHHHHH"

Am I poly? I don't know. Am I me?, YES! I am certainly not monogamous. please no judging. I have been to so many "poly talks." As soon as I say "I am not poly." I get that LOOK. (This is a bloggy thing, right? I can write what I want and actually, no one will ever read it... yay.)And then they introduce me to the lone monogamous person in the crowd and say, "You two will have a lot to talk about." And then get pretty much excluded from the rest of conversations. I have learned just to not say that.

Poor boy. He is crazy sensitive about expectations.And I have spent a fair bit of time explaining that just because my initial reaction to you being poly was "Oh WTF no!" Does not mean my reaction was "I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA AND HAVE LOT OF BABIES AND YOU CAN NEVER SEE ANYONE ELSE EVER EVER EVVVVAHHHHH! NOR CAN I!"

I have tried to explain, many times, that my itital "oh hell no," did not mean that. In person, via interwebs, on the phone. I think I have hit my limits there. I fear he still holds some residual unease from dating people who aren't as open to poly as they thought in the beginning. I know he is, actually, because he has told me.

Not to mention this is all a bit long distance.So it is a fair drive away, a fair not so often seeing each other in person, and a whole lot of text, email, skype, uuuggghhhhhh, in between. So a whole lot goes unsaid a little too often.

I have no idea where to go now. I care about him more than I have cared about anyone for years and years. I know I think about everything too much. I should just stop and enjoy the ride but sometimes my brain just explodes. Anyway. That's me for now.
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  #2  
Old 12-01-2012, 05:40 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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PS.... while I am mostly just doing this to get all this dumb stuff out of my head, I do welcome comments, etc.
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  #3  
Old 12-01-2012, 06:12 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by acb2012 View Post
(This is a bloggy thing, right? I can write what I want and actually, no one will ever read it... yay.)
Yes, this is a bloggy thing....No, that doesn't mean that no one will read it! (16 views as of this post)

What it does mean is that this is your space to work out where you are at and no one should argue and tell you that you are "doing it wrong".

Thank you for sharing your story with us!

What I get from reading your post is that everyone (yourself, me, him, them) has preconceived notions as to what certain labels (poly, mono, non-monogamous, etc.) mean. We use them as necessary shortcuts but by bypassing lengthy explanations we miss out on the nuances of each person's experience.

And our reactions to people's responses is shaped by those previously formed notions. He says "poly" and you have visions of pods and structure and rules, You say "WTF, hell no." as a gut response...and he has visions of Cinderella and a ring in someone's nose. You say "not poly" and they hear "white picket fence" etc. etc. ad nauseum...and miss the "not mono" as well.

Communications, we needs them...one and all But that is, for me, the joy of relationships (of any flavor) - getting to the real person under all the words. Each person on their own path, navigating the world that we find at our doorstep, I'm glad that your path brought you here.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #4  
Old 12-01-2012, 06:18 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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PS. I get the "happy on my own" part...I enjoy my own company (weird, I know). One of the reasons that my boys and I get along is that they have learned to be present with me without engaging me actively - I am doing my stuff, they do their stuff, we don't have to be doing the SAME stuff. I have found very few people in my life that can accomplish this - I cherish the ones who can.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #5  
Old 12-01-2012, 07:32 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
PS. I get the "happy on my own" part...I enjoy my own company (weird, I know). One of the reasons that my boys and I get along is that they have learned to be present with me without engaging me actively - I am doing my stuff, they do their stuff, we don't have to be doing the SAME stuff. I have found very few people in my life that can accomplish this - I cherish the ones who can.
I don't think that's weird at all!!!

And I too have had similar situations trying to find people who can appreciate spending time with me, just kind of doing our own things. I love having their presence in a room, I don't necessarily have to always be talking or what have you.
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  #6  
Old 12-04-2012, 04:44 AM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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Now I am gearing up for yet another trip to see -----. I wish I could come up with a name for him. Since it is non insignificant drive, we don't see each other much.

It's been a weird few weeks. Weird good. Met a new fella at a party, seeing him soon. Got sick of the OK Cupid stuff, and just said screw it, it'll happen when it happens. I hate forcing meeting people, and as I often say I actually really am happy alone most of the time. And then boom! 2 nights later I meet someone. Also long distance, so that's nice. (I just really hate the thought of people coming by unannounced.) So, who knows?

It's been weird in many other parts of my life, and I have a lot of fairly big life changes coming up. That's also one of the things keeping me from getting to active. I really need to have a little extra time to take care of my stuff, before I really get out there.

But I am pretty excited about this trip. It will probably be the last one this year.... Things are about to get hectic, and I am feeling a little stretched thin.

Must sleep now. More eventually.
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:07 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Is the partner in the original post dating other people? All you can really do is encourage them to date if they want, then every time they do respond in a way that shows them you are OK dealing with it and to remind them you care about them. I've had people get something stuck in their heads like that after I say one thing that they interpreted incorrectly, and years later they still believe it if they never challenged their perception.
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Old 12-04-2012, 12:48 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Is the partner in the original post dating other people? All you can really do is encourage them to date if they want, then every time they do respond in a way that shows them you are OK dealing with it and to remind them you care about them. I've had people get something stuck in their heads like that after I say one thing that they interpreted incorrectly, and years later they still believe it if they never challenged their perception.

Oh, most definitely. And yes, it is at the point where my actions speak louder than words in that respect. So, I just keep living it and hopefully he will see. I think when we visited last helped a lot. Baby steps, I guess.
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:38 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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OK. I am really screwing things up and just need to vent. Got in a huge argument with ____ (I still need a name, or this is going to make me nuts). Basically, it was just absolutely stupid, and I feel like an idiot.

It basically just boiled down to we got in a conversation about sharing of information about other people in our lives. Again. Now, in my mind (and I have been really struggling with this over the past 2 weeks) our "relationship" whatever it is, has not really been defined at all. I was under the impression it was just pretty casual for him.

So when we start talking about other people, if it is casual, I really don't need to know all that much. I don't need to know every date, every move he makes whatever. If this is just a casual thing I just don't need that info. And if it's just a casual thing, I really don't feel the pull to share very intimate details about the other people I see or am involved with.

I think perhaps it's moved out of casual. I think we need to talk about THAT first before we get into other stuff.

He kept asking, and I was feeling really pressured and quite cross and just got really frustrated and upset and basically it was a disaster. I am just so confused over so much, and overthinking everything about him and us and am in a pretty weird loop. I like him a LOT more than it just being a casual thing for me. I only just realized that.

Yes, if this moves from the realm of casual booty call or whatever, into something more "serious," I'd like to know more. Meet them, and get more involved, and so on.

Worst part is, he doesn't like talking about stuff like this over email and electronics. And I really only see him maybe 30 hours a month, part of which is spent sleeping (really!). So that means a lot gets unsaid that probably needs to be said.

I don't know. I think this is transitioning into something else besides what it has been which is good. Which is great. But frustrating and scary and I really just need to know what is happening so I can frame my expectations right.

On the plus side I haven't totally blown it and we are talking about this more in depth this week sometime.

On the other plus side I had a date with a cutie I met recently that went quite well. It's early...it wasn't the best date in my life, but not the worst. I'll give it some time and see what happens.

On the other plus side, I get a weekend home alone next weekend. Thank goodness. Have not had a weekend home in weeks. Need it. Need to just curl up with a book and be me alone for a bit. And clean. Desperately.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:29 PM
acb2012 acb2012 is offline
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I freaking HATE this not being able to communicate my feelings via electronic means to him. I just end up bottling everything up and it just feeds an awful loop of stress and ugly stuff.

I hate feeling this vulnerable. I hate being this insecure. And I hate that we went from an amazing weekend that was super romantic and lovely to this 2 weeks later, and I hate that I can not figure out how it happened.

I'm just feeling insecure lately. Grrr. I'm exhausted anyway, and have a thousand other things stressing me out besides this. This is just the one thing I could have prevented or helped. Everything else is kind of out of my control. I've not sleeping well at all for months now, and that doesn't help my frame of mind.

I honestly don't know if I should just cut & run, as I think the timing is WAY off here. I don't know. *head explodes* *again*
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