Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-28-2010, 03:40 PM
Grogs Grogs is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1
Default how to handle love/being loved

Hello everbody...

I wonder if somebody could give me a better perspective on things and advise on how I should handle certain aspects of human relationships.
The way I see it is that to some extend love is possible with many different people, however only a few (or possibly even one) are right for a person.
I was for years in a very unhappy relationship, and also previously have had casual sex, which often did not make me happy.
At some point I have started to work on myself, develop myself and only act/do things consciously and with integrity.. basically I have felt that I have become more in touch with myself and knew what I wanted.

As my personal life was still not sorted out (I did not have a job at the time).. I felt that I was not ready for a relationship- I was going out with 2 girls in that period (I am bisexual), but things kind of ended when I started to feel pressured into a relationship when I was not ready for it. Basically I feel that my priority should be working on myself.

Then about 4-5 months ago.. I have met J. and things melted in the most beautiful way. We both value personal progress/development and care about the other reaching their full potential. Talking to him, being with him.. had a kind of deep therapeutic effect.. I felt that for years I was shutting my "core", my soul away.. and our encounter has melted this away. I am so much fuller, more "me" with him.. and so is he with me. I truly does feel that together, we are more than just the sum of ourselves.
We met online (where else ) and were really careful not to rush things.
Eventually 2,3 months into talking to each other, I was finally able to see him..we kind of agreed to "leave things open for now" but also started to refer to each other as bf-gf. I miss him, but.. having previously left everything just to "be with somebody" I am really careful to avoid making the same mistake again. Just knowing that we have found each other is so great.. and we are confident in each other... in the end we do have an entire life to share.. we don't need to rush things, in the end "we" is about him and me being ourselves and not "us" becoming the destructive, all consuming force that would make our lives stop in their tracks. (but he does call me his wife sometimes.. and it does not fell incorrect in any way).
But then.. since we've met.. I have so much more radiant and happy and this attracts people to me. To be honest I don't know what to do with this attraction... to some extend I think that being friends does not exclude some form of physical contact.. and since J felt comfortable with me also having experiences with other people.... I did kiss/ make out with some occasionally, although never moved to having full sex (even though J mad it clear he would be ok. with this)..but it just would not have felt right to do that.

And then...I have a RL friend M., with whom I kissed, hugged sometimes etc.. kind of in between him dating and reporting the outcomes to me. I have never seen our physical side as more than an expression of "I like you and you are cute". Then about a week ago.. we had a psychedelic trip together, which was really lovely... and he confessed that he never had sex with anyone. I don't know... it felt like it was a problem for him and I felt that my role as a friend was to have sex with him to "get it done and over with". To my surprise, since M had a lot of experience of yoga, there was a strong, how to say.." out of body" part to the experience.. and at some point I felt that maybe I could also love him....but that he will never be the sort of partner that J is for me.
I spoke to J about it... and he is ok with me seeing somebody else, if I wish to.
But I am not sure: for me the experience was awesome, but I see it as two people getting to know each other and exploring the way they interact, and it really did start for me only as a sexual favour.
I would be happy to explore M and me together.. but.. I am worried that he might be moving faster than I feel comfortable with.
He already said that he loves me, and that he brushed off his other date, since he he sees himself as "taken" .
And I just don't know how to handle this... my motivation with M was to act on a certain attraction and curiosity (and to get rid of a problem for him). But I am certainly not ready to enter a relationship with him, and I have no idea if I love him on any other than the "sister level", or if I only saw the potential for this.
I am worried that he might have fallen to the intensities which are a result of psychedelics.
And I am also aware that.. M falling for me would not have happened if I did not meet J, since he is the true originator of the lovely glow of love inside me.
So damn it.. I don't know what would be the "ethical" way to handle this.. I don't want to hurt M, but either way seems wrong....seeing him and forming some kind of relationship would feel wrong.. because I do see J as my only true partner, the only person I can submit too and I would not be able to give that to M.. on the other hand I do care about and feel drawn to M... but I worry that I could become somehow disconnected from J.. and it would be truly painful.
But I also don't want to hurt M by leaving him.. but I wish he was a bit stronger and did not fall for me so easily.
It is just feels that more I try to do the "right thing" I either end up hurting people, or doing something against my own integrity.

Please if you could be bothered to read this, I would be most grateful for your opinions.. since to some extend it has become to complicated.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-28-2010, 04:11 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Hello there, and welcome, things are not so bad it seems... you just have some stuff to understand maybe before proceeding. First of all sex gives us a rush all our own and makes us have those loving feelings. When we have sex with people we love it adds to that, which is why people who are in love want to have sex. Perhaps this guy that you "helped out" felt this way when he had sex with you. It was his first time after all and those feelings and the feelings of having got through something that was perceived as holding him back might be overwhelming him into thinking the whole situation was more that it really was.

So now what? Well, you could tell him this and talk to him about your other man and what is happening with him. Straight up, honest and open communication is always the best in my books, as long as it's done with compassion, respect and is passing on information that is beneficial. You don't need to go into details about the love you feel for this other man but tell him that you have strong feelings that you are exploring.

It is likely that this man will recoil and either disappear because he has seen that you are taken and that is that or you could spend the time explaining to him that you are able to love more than one and that there is a possibility that you might have more than a friendship but you would hope he would explore other avenues as you will be too. Its up to you to figure out what you want first, and then present it to him.... I suggest that you let him sit on it for awhile... tell him that you realize it takes time to figure these things out and that you will check in with him later about it.

Good luck to you... I'm glad you recognize that your integrity is important. In this day and age it seems there is not much thought to ones integrity.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:38 PM.