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Old 12-24-2012, 02:19 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

I don't think a big age gap is necessarily a problem, although it can be. t depends on the specific relationship, if it gives some imbalance, if you feel a cultural disconnect, etc.

I've had and seen relationships with a big age gap that were absolutely not hurt by it, and others with a smaller gap that were hurt, so there is really no rule for it.

About the kid, there could be issues having a child so early (both early in life, and early in a relationship), but many issues would be about being financially unstable, lacking support to raise the kid, etc, which would be less the case in a poly configuration, provided you get all the support from both your partners of course.

I think one issue would be the fact that she is pregnant. While I understand the idea of having children around the same time, it will also mean double the work. One advantage of poly is that when she has the kid, one person can take care of the kid while the other two still date. If there are two kids, it will be more tiring, as taking care of a newborn is hard enough.

So I guess my advice would be to be there for the child born from her and see it as practice from when you get your own, but maybe try having enough of the gap between the two that the relationship can recover from the birth before adding another one, with all the stress it creates. Plus you will get to see the both of use acting around a newborn, which will give you an idea of what to expect with your kid.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:08 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

I don't think an age GAP is any more of a problem than any other factor in relationships. Mono or poly.

I'm 28 and my girlfriend is ten years older, at 38. 90% of my partners have been ten years older than me. My longest relationship (5 years) was with a man who is 13 years older than me.

Even though I do not think an age *gap* is a *problem*, yes, of course it can cause some issues. God, I was 26 when I met my girlfriend and in two years, I've already changed drastically. The age gap was never a relationship-deal-breaker problem.... but of course, it was noticeable sometimes. It can work for the better and for us, it does. As long as you all acknowledge the age gap and cut each other some slack, I don't see why it should be a giant issue.

However, AGE itself can be an issue, in the longterm. When I was 19, I met a man who was 32. That was my 5 year long relationship. I thought he was my soulmate. I moved across the country to be with him. I thought I'd be with him for the rest of my life. Yes - life is short. Seize opportunities for yourself. But understand and accept that life probably will change your relationships, your personality, your life. You may not be with this couple in five years' time. If you can strike a balance of living in the moment, whilst having back-up plans for the future, you're doing ok.

I'm not going to trash talk your age - I'm just going to give you my honest opinion. I know, from personal experience, that having one child is difficult. Three would be insane for me. I also know, from personal experience, that I would not want to bring a child into the world until I had my shit together. I cannot tell you that you are too young - your body and mind are yours. But, if you cannot look five years into the future and say "here's what I'll do if we are no longer together", then you've got to do some thinking. If you can, then fine. But be sensible... explore yourself... live your life... love and be happy. I can tell you that when I was 18, I felt very mature - and I was mature. Much moreso than other people my age. I couldn't imagine being much different when I was 28. Hahaha... I was so wrong. I had a massive change between 18 and 21. I changed again around the age of 25. Now, at 28, I'm starting to change again. These are standard ages to go through changes... so as long as you are prepared for that, you are being wise.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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