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  #31  
Old 09-02-2010, 04:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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ah the 'ol chart eh Mono... ha! glad we have walked through that one... could be relevant here... I hope it helps.
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  #32  
Old 09-02-2010, 10:58 AM
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Wow! That chart is SOOO correctamundo!
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  #33  
Old 09-03-2010, 09:53 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Quote:
I know I have asked before....but someone must have some sort of 'technique' that I could try to 'de-sensitize' to the situation or ????

I have no suggestions for de-sensitivation techniques that don't involve copious use of vibrators. But maybe some of this will help:

You two have only been sexually involved with C for about 2 months, right? And this is your first poly experience during a 20+ year monogamous marriage?

This is a HUGE CHANGE. You are going through hugely fluxating emotions as a result.

And the relationship itself is in flux. It has progressed (over 6 months) from a close friendship between you and C, to a fabulously sexual persistent threesome, to all of that PLUS a loving relationship between C and your husband, and you feeling left out.

It seems to me there is a lot of pressure on you to be ok with this, RIGHT NOW. Pressure from C, from your husband, and maybe most of all, from yourself.

It might help to just try to accept that you can't predict your whipsawing emotions right now. And to accept that you may not be able to give effective answers to questions like, "What's ok today? What's gonna be ok next week?"

You're expecting an awful lot from yourself to process this many big changes so quickly, in my opinion.


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  #34  
Old 09-04-2010, 12:15 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default loving ur post

Polly,

Just wantes to say real quick I love ur post Because I have a somewhat similar situation with a few differences. J and I are the women in dh's life. We are all sexually active. J has becomes my best friend. We love each other but she and dh have a whole different kind of love. Much like ur dh and C. My blog is Blog of the Mono Wife under life and stories. So u have to read to get the picture. Its been a crazy ride. A painful ride. But we haven't given up yet and I know my dh loves me more than words can express But that doesn't keep me from quite often feeling like I am going loose him. We have gone thru the break ups And I have seen them both hurt to the point where I have had to find my own corner and cry. It hasn't even been a year and so much has happened for the better although at times I though I would die from the pain. Now I can't let J go anymore than I can dh and that means watching them and knowing they love each other and sometimes feelinf left out sometimes even when it isn't fair to think like that. I love them both and wont let either go. I hope I made sense in all that.
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  #35  
Old 09-04-2010, 02:28 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Wow...love both of your replies, anotherbo and ak. Thank you!!

I guess part of this whole thing is learning to accept yourself as you are. I find myself chanting to myself - in between my my newfound breathing techniques - "I am okay", "in fact, I am pretty damn good". Part of the beauty amid this chaos is that somewhere I am (or will emerge) stronger and better and maybe, even more complete. That is my hope anyhow.

The confusion in the chaos must somehow be embraced, along with the love and the hate that radiates at times. It is a ride....and nothin is dull and boring! Ek!
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  #36  
Old 09-04-2010, 03:36 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anotherbo View Post
I have no suggestions for de-sensitivation techniques that don't involve copious use of vibrators. But maybe some of this will help:
Had to throw out a public chuckle on this one
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  #37  
Old 09-05-2010, 04:32 AM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Default Jealousy

Polly,
I found this in: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolymistakes.html Scroll down to the 6th heading about jealousy, it might help. There is a lot of other helpfull thoughts on that site as well. Best wishes. IG
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolymistakes.html
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  #38  
Old 09-05-2010, 02:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Gosh, unicorn situations seem to a neophyte to be ideal. One lovely sexy partner for both the established couple to share? Awesome.

However, n reality, she is not your mindless playtoy. She's a full human being, just like the 2 of you. Her feelings for your h won't match her feelings for you. Do we all love our platonic friends, and brothers and sisters, children, cousins, in just the same way? No. Of course not. Each person is unique and so is each relationship.

My ex-h and I tried this arrangement back 10+ yrs ago and it was a disaster. The woman acted like she'd be into us both, but soon enough, she and my h were "soulmates" and she wasnt interested in sex with me. In fact, she had huge trust issues around women in general, stemming from sexual abuse as a child. He wanted to move her right in and have 2 wives. Um. No!

So... I'd say you 3 are ahead of the curve here. She likes/loves both of you, is sexually interested in both of you.

One term not mentioned yet here is compersion. It's a useful place to come to, being happy when your partner is happy. Like, if he was out w platonic friends, you'd be glad he was out having fun, and glad for a break to pursue your own interests, or see other friends. Likewise here, when he's with the woman, you're still his wife, his lover, and he will come back to you.

My lovers just seem to add to my relationship w my current serious gf. I come back with new experiences to relate. It makes me a fuller, more actualized, more interesting person, to her.

I had some jealousy when she had a lover for a while, but it was mostly related to boundaries we had to establish. (She slept over his place on their first date, w/o telling me beforehand or that night. That really sucked.) Once we talked out things like that, I felt fine with her seeing others, having lustful or caring feelings for them. When I met her guy, I was amazed at how jealous I didnt feel!
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  #39  
Old 09-05-2010, 05:25 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Do we all love our platonic friends, and brothers and sisters, children, cousins, in just the same way? No. Of course not. Each person is unique and so is each relationship.
It is such an interesting thought, that there are so MANY types of Love,yet only one word to capture them all!!

I have been doing so much reflection lately on this word, and this feeling and have come to understand the "NRE" as a more complete word. My dog, the LUST, the WANT, the DESIRE, the NEWNESS and of course the deep attachment are still so strong! We managed to break out of the pattern of weekend overkill this weekend....thankfully, relatives were in town, so while Friday night was a wonderful night, Saturday turned into just dinner at our place, and her going home for the night. NOT that anyone really wanted this, but it was GOOD! A little space and time is good! It is something that I have always struggled with finding, yet as I move into mid-life (aaaah!!), I really really must find it more!!

Sunday (today) may be a different story as the rellies are now gone and tomorrow is a holiday! Kinda exciting just writing this!!!!

Thanks again for all the kind thought and suggestions....it is coming along nicely (for now!).
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  #40  
Old 09-05-2010, 11:50 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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I like your analogy of a rollercoaster....However, after riding a few more rollercoasters....and then going through this weekend....I would liken OUR relationship....to that of a blender. There is the time when you put the drink mix into the blender....and it all LOOKS good going in.....I am the red, my wife is the blue....we are layered on on top of the other.....S is then yellow, and D would be......green? Ok, anyway....They are also layered....on top of L and myself....Then comes the ice.....and then the top......we are all beginning to mix and meld together....Then someone pushes the button to "ice crusher".

This crushes my heart........

Then they hit the stop button.....Which STOPS my heart and lets me look around and assess the damage. Since it's not ALL that bad, I decide to keep going on....I mean, we are all still kinda layered.

Then someone pushes the puree button. This totally ruins my heart. And mixes me up even worse than I ever was before.We are totally mixed up and meshed together.

But we get a rest.....While someone takes note of how pretty and nice we all look together, and decides to hit the button again. UGGH! I'm beginning to feel sick now.

So the powers that be, hit the button again and I'm sick of it all and want out of the blender.

Some people get into the blender, and make a margarita....Others, like myself, get into it and make....the most disgusting mixed concoction you could ever dream of.
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