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  #11  
Old 08-25-2010, 11:59 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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TL, explain more, if you can please....the details bring me comfort!
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  #12  
Old 08-26-2010, 12:03 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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It would probably be easier to read my thread here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3363
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  #13  
Old 08-26-2010, 12:33 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Wow, TL, you really rode a lot of ups and downs! I don't know if I am up for that! The ups are soooo incredible, but the downs just suck days out of your life! Days!!!

Another strange thing is that I am such a softie (usually), and tears have been flowing all around me, and I have none to offer up. None. THAT is so strange for me! I thought that my guards were pretty far removed, but maybe the problem is that they are up again ....consequently, I am not being me! Who knows?!

TL, is your relationship still strong with the 4 some?
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  #14  
Old 08-26-2010, 12:50 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Yes Polly. We all have a pretty strong relationship with each other. We recently went through a tough spot that would have broken apart a lesser quad.....but thankfully, S & D have seen through MY issues, and we are all still on the same page....kinda.

S & D refuse to accept being "polyamorous". They claim to be "swingers" and S won't have anything to do with "that polygamy crap". D seems to be onboard with being Poly, but it's a slow hard road that I am on. So we call it "Friends with bennifits". The NRE is fantastic, but it has a tendancy to drain not justr days, but months, out of you when you crash.

I am not a person who cries. However, I have almost cried a few times in the last two weeks due to this relationship. Is it worth it? Yes. I would say it is. The last time L and I were over at S&D's house, I told them all that if any of us had a problem, we needed to bring it to the attention of the other couple right away. With little regard for embarrassment or anything else, we NEED to do this right away, because if we don't, we spend days apart just miserable.

As a plus, on Mondya, I start my new job working with S at his job. This should help us to become even closer. Add to this the fact that we are moving closer to S&D within the next month and a half, and I will get to witness D and L getting closer as well. I'm really hoping this pulls us all even closer. Ideally, when all the kids are out of our respective houses, I would like for L and I to move in with S&D or visa-versa. But thats at least 5 years in the future.
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  #15  
Old 08-26-2010, 02:35 AM
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Is this true? I am curious about this statement. For me any jealousy has always been rooted in some fear or insecurity. I would love to hear why you think there is a difference in the two between mono jealousy and poly jealousy? (Ariakis)

Probably not enough stuff for a new thread but happy for someone else to make that decision. I made the statement that jealousy in a polyamorous relationship is like nothing I have ever felt before.

While I agree it still has its foundations in insecurity and fear (and envy) the reason it is different goes something like this. In a poly relationship we are dealing with issues that don't generally come up in healthy relationships e.g our partners sleeping with and spending time with others in an intimate and romantic way. So yes it is still insecurity, fear and envy but it is supercharged because the emotional investment is so high. And it's not a one off thing, like an affair, or a relationship breakdown, it is ongoing. It is not going to stop because of our feelings, it is not someone else's mistake.

Also the feelings are raw and right in your face. If this kind of thing happens in a mono relationship we are justified in being angry, our friends and family can be angry for us and there is a lot of empathy for us. This and the yahoo group are the only places I share my feelings on this subject, apart from with my partner. My daughter said "you opened the door for this, you have to live with it or leave"

Right or wrong I've come from a back ground where women shared their feelings about their relationships and supported each other. I really miss that.

Last edited by sage; 08-26-2010 at 02:37 AM.
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  #16  
Old 08-26-2010, 05:17 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Sage, just from my VERY neophyte beginnings, I can say that I have NEVER felt Jealousy before, like I have lately. The only thing that has changed is that we are now poly, so I have to draw the same conclusion.

The highs are so high and the lows are so low and all encompassing. WHAT's worse than that is that someone else's is seeing those lows - seeing you be that low and vulnerable - up close and personal. For me, that has been the biggest adjustment. It was one thing for my husband to know my vulnerabilities so intimately, but now, someone else knows them too. Blech!

Thankfully, the ups seem to counteract the lows....for now... although there have been 3 lows in the span of a two week period so maybe they are catching up.

Tonight we all enjoyed a nice walk and some hanging time and some good laughs. It was nice and shall be savoured....at least for a day or so!
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  #17  
Old 08-26-2010, 10:04 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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So today, I woke up pretty happy, and started to work in my home office. My hubby was in his office and had begun a Skype chat with "C". As I watched my Skype window stay dormant, I could feel the monster well from the depths. I sat and took some deep breaths. Seriously, wtf?

I have 'consented' to this affair that started out with "C" so in to me, and even now, she calls and texts and Skypes with me multiple times per day. I am receiving attention! Truly! But the monster still growled and I had to try hard to push it back down to the depths. The anxiety stayed with me for most of the morning, until I finally decided to call the hubby at work.

My first inclination to him was to try to tell him HOW HE could fix it! I said, "Um, ya, is there any way that you could just slow down a bit?" He responds, "What is going on? I was the one that broke it off 4 days ago, but you said that you would find a way to deal, so now it is back on. What are you putting us through the ringer for?"

Yikes. I had watched a youtube video of "Non Violent Communication" earlier in the day, so here I went, "Well, I observe you Skyping and chatting and texting, and it makes me feel so insecure/jealous/rejected". So we talked about that for awhile and the anxiety seemed to dissipate out of chest. He reassured me that he wasn't going to run off and that it was probably just NRE and I told him that 'logically' I know all this stuff, but the anxiety is really hard to get a handle on.

By the end of it, we were glad that we had talked BUT agreed that we were going to ignore this conversation!

This whole thing is so complicated and confusing....PLEASE could someone tell me that it actually CAN be done! Flip!
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  #18  
Old 08-26-2010, 11:20 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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LOL Sorry to laugh at your situation. I'm laughing because my wife and I have had the "slow down" talk....RECENTLY! LOL And it is defniatly just NRE.

Your hubby is excited because he is recieving attention from another woman. (I was/am there also) It is such a high that I can only compare to cocaine. It is such a hihg that a person will do almost ANYHING to keep it going on. The fleting glance...The secret wink....a little kiss blown to you. It's captivating.

My wife was such a trooper, because she was in your shoes just a little over a week ago. She told me to slow down.....I did for a day...Then kicked it into overdrive. I got in trouble QUICK. I never crossed any PHYSICAL lines, as in touching or sneaking off somewhere, or anything. But....I thought I was in love all over again. My wife stood by and allowed me to handle my NRE the only way I knew how.....With the other woman. D (the other woman) and I met in public, and talked about it. We agreed that it was best to slow down, and at least TRY to not act out. We also agreed that it was simply NRE, and not "love" yet. In fact, we both agreed that we would likely never "love" each other the way we love our spouses. And since neither of us is leaving our spouses, we would have to continue to be FWB. Or Friends With Benifits. It works for everyone involved for now.

Now, I will say in hindsite, the best way would have been to sit down and talk with EVERYONE involved. So, you, your hubby, and C need to sit down and discuss your relationship dynamic and how it should progress. Discuss your concerns. I'm pretty sure that C does not want to make you mad, sad, or anything negative. And I'm 99% positive that your husband doesn't either. In fact, I would venture to say that no-one in your relationship dynamic wants to make anyone else in it anything other than happy. So sit down and have a nice chat. Get everyone on the same page....Then have a nice little make out session.
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  #19  
Old 08-26-2010, 11:53 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
PLEASE could someone tell me that it actually CAN be done!
Sure, it actually can be done. But I think the real question is whether this particular dynamic is going to work out for the people involved.
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  #20  
Old 08-27-2010, 12:31 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I suggest you read the "poly vignettes: sharing success and happiness" thread. Its meant to make us all believe we can do it yes we can.
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