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  #121  
Old 10-06-2010, 05:51 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
^ C had no business going over to P2 after her hubby had broken it off. P2 made an effort to ignore and actually TOLD C that it just should not happen. C kept pressing the issue. P2 is not completely innocent here, but C should have left her and her hubby alone as they BOTH expressed a desire not to see C again.

C could end up being a huge reason for a good marriage to split up. And for what? a piece of ass? Come on.
Thanks TL. It is Wednesday morning now and I am still grasping to find perspective. I know that it was MY FAULT. BUT WHY?? Yes, tequila was a big factor - it just loosened me to what I had wanted and longed for for so long. Just a bit of one on one time, and fuck, SOME honesty. Her honesty to me, actually saying that she had to MAKE A CONSCIOUS decision to not allow herself to fall in love with me. I had thought that I was so 'crazy' for reading all the words and actions wrong. I had thought wow, how could I be so wrong. AND now, she tells me, that I was right. Now. After two months of heartfelt rejection. Oh, I sucked it up. I tried to get over it. I said that I wasn't 'in love' with her. Honestly, I don't know if I was or am. I know that when I am with her, I want to touch her and to hold her.

She has been emailing me over the past two days, and calling, checking in to see if I am alright. I know that she does love me..but she is soooo IN LOVE with my husband. It's a bad situation. If I didn't have any feelings, it would be one thing....but I do. How did this all go so wrong?

After 22 years of marriage, we get complacent I guess....we don't tell each other how much we are still IN LOVE with our spouses, how beautiful they look, how sexy they make us feel, how we want to fuck them in the middle of the grocery store, how fabulous they smell. WE let it all be replaced with some sort of NRE that takes over our lives. I am sure if we could all see the one on one emails to C (and vica versa), those phrases and words are scattered throughout on them, on both of our accounts. BUT to each other. To the most important person in my life, did I say or receive them? Probably not.

C called me this morning to see how I was. I said, 'a mess'. She had asked me yesterday if she wanted her to take the bullet for me, saying that it was all her fault. I said, 'no'. I told her this morning that I felt used by her. That she preyed on me when I most vulnerable, fucked me thinking that it would make everyone make up, then was surprised when I said, 'what are you talking about?' To her, it feels like I used her as a toy just to get off. I don't understand this....I just was so full of desire for her that I could not contain myself. She called me a bunch of names for telling her that she used me, and hung up and said that we could not be friends anymore. I had said the same thing yesterday. The thought of this kills me but I must be strong somehow. Hubby and C are going through the same hell.

We all played with fire....and we all are burning as we speak.

Words seem superfluous now.
P2
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Last edited by PollyPocket; 10-07-2010 at 04:56 AM.
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  #122  
Old 10-06-2010, 07:42 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket
C called me this morning to see how I was. I said, 'a mess'. She had asked me yesterday if she wanted her to take the bullet for me, saying that it was all her fault. I said, 'no'. I told her this morning that I felt used by her. That she preyed on me when I most vulnerable, fucked me thinking that it would make everyone make up, then was surprised when I said, 'what are you talking about?' To her, it feels like I used her as a toy just to get off. I don't understand this....I just was so full of desire for her that I could not contain myself. She called me a bunch of names for telling her that she used me, and hung up and said that we could not be friends anymore. I had said the same thing yesterday. The thought of this kills me but I must be strong somehow. Hubby and C are going through the same hell.
P2
Sounds like you both sincerely feel used. Maybe there is another explanation?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
Thanks TL. It is Wednesday morning now and I am still grasping to find perspective. I know that it was MY FAULT. BUT WHY?? Yes, tequila was a big factor - it just loosened me to what I had wanted and longed for for so long. Just a bit of one on one time, and fuck, SOME honesty. Her honesty to me, actually saying that she had to MAKE A CONSCIOUS decision to not allow herself to fall in love with me. I had thought that I was so 'crazy' for reading all the words and actions wrong. I had thought wow, how could I be so wrong. AND now, she tells me, that I was right. Now. After two months of heartfelt rejection. Oh, I sucked it up. I tried to get over it. I said that I wasn't 'in love' with her. Honestly, I don't know if I was or am. I know that when I am with her, I want to touch her and to hold her.
Here's my take. She finally opened herself to the possibility that she had fallen in love with you. Not an easy thing to do; we're so conditioned to homophobia, even being open about your bisexuality doesn't make those issues go away. And she really opened herself up to you by telling you so.

You finally heard what you've been wanting to hear. And she was sincere.

BOTH of you felt SO connected as a result. Is there any wonder that a rush of uncontrollable desire overwhelmed you both? Afterwards, she dared to hope things were back on track.

I don't know that this is what happened, but it seems to me to fit the available facts.

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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
After 22 years of marriage, we get complacent I guess....we don't tell each other how much we are still IN LOVE with our spouses, how beautiful they look, how sexy they make us feel, how we want to fuck them in the middle of the grocery store, how fabulous they smell. WE let it all be replaced with some sort of NRE that takes over our lives. I am sure if we could all the one on one emails to C (and vica versa), those phrases and words are scattered throughout on them, on both of our accounts. BUT to each other. To the most important person in my life, did I say or receive them? Probably not.
This is so hard to maintain P2, this IN LOVE feeling. Seems to me this is one of the most valuable parts of polyamory; you need to constantly engage with your LTR partner to make it work. You have to work together constantly to get through the issues that continually come up. You can share that NRE feeling and be thrilled that your partner gets to feel it again too. You can be excited that your partner gets to have something else so wonderful in their life. Could you get that NRE again with your old partner? Maybe, but it usually seems to take some kind of shared crisis, something you can work through together. And I doubt it's ever as intense as your original NRE.

Where it fails is when it becomes a competition. Who loves who most, who gets to do what with who, and when... I have yet to hear a successful poly story that doesn't include at least some compersion, some times where you are just happy for your partner and their new love. And almost every story I read about a good poly relationship includes finding a way to deal with jealousy.

P.S. Have things cooled down enough yet that you and Mr. P2 have been able to communicate?
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Last edited by anotherbo; 10-06-2010 at 07:47 PM.
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  #123  
Old 10-06-2010, 09:11 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
My suggestion, take a break from anything poly or even close to it, for a while. Until you are both strong enough to accept it again....if that ever comes up again. Also, you have to (and I can not stress this enough) YOU MUST COMPLETELY cut C out of your life. COMPLETELY!
I agree with this. I don't see how you three can possibly make things work at this point, and it does seem like your marriage is at risk. However, I disagree with making C the bad guy here. At some point it's gonna be a lot more useful to try to see her perspective. I don't think she's to blame, I don't think anybody is to blame here for the painful mess this has become, and anyway fixing the blame seldom helps to fix the problem.

But in any case, the important thing to fix right now is your marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
C could end up being a huge reason for a good marriage to split up. And for what? a piece of ass? Come on.
I couldn't disagree with this more. C is not a piece of ass, she is a person with her own feelings, needs, insecurities and so on. A person that both married partners care deeply for. And while C (like most unicorns) hasn't been accorded much of a say in how this relationship has progressed, I don't think she has been treated like a piece of ass by either P2 or her hubby. Certainly I don't see what is gained by making her the scapegoat here.

P2, I am feeling so sad for you right now. Please don't beat yourself up. You've been working so hard at this. It's not your fault, you've been in over your head. Over almost anybody's head; the success rate is sooo low.

*hugs* and love,
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Last edited by anotherbo; 10-06-2010 at 09:15 PM.
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  #124  
Old 10-06-2010, 10:22 PM
rabbit rabbit is offline
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I don't think it's anyone's fault in particular, just a situation where everyone was human and the wants/needs of everyone involved were not necessarily compatible. FWIW I've been in a really similar situation as P2 herself.
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  #125  
Old 10-06-2010, 11:52 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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I've been in similar situations, but have never acted on the urges.

I will agree that placing blame here, is useless. Know where the mistakes were made, learn from them and move forward and never make the same mistakes again.
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  #126  
Old 10-07-2010, 05:28 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Wednesday night tonight....and I finally have some internet access at my friend's house! Yay!!

I took counsel today from many friends. They all said why were you talking to C yesterday. What is wrong with you? I agreed. Today she has called but I have not answered. Maybe I am learning.

It is turning into a bit of a 'she said, she said' fiasco, as I learned that she has forwarded him a bunch of emails and stuff - between her and I. I don't really have anything to hide. I have told him the whole story. How I messed up and why I 'think' I did. All I have now is my history with him. Yes, I have made a couple slips along the way, but all in all a pretty honest, loving, caring existence between the two of us.

So, now, I will give space and let him figure things out. I know that this was not what it was suppose to be. I know it is hard for all.

Again, I practice loosening the grip and letting what will be will be.

He is the person I want, I miss, I love.
Thanks for your advice....they all are valuable.

Rabbit, I would like to hear your story, too.
P2
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  #127  
Old 10-07-2010, 03:48 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Does anyone have any insight into why the hell I would have done this - the cheating? I just cannot figure it out. It is like it wasn't even me!! I take responsibility for the whole thing, don't get me wrong....but WHERE the fuck did that piece of me come from?? It is not me!!

Anyone?

Thanks
P2
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  #128  
Old 10-07-2010, 04:33 PM
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sparky615 sparky615 is offline
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I take responsibility for the whole thing, don't get me wrong....but WHERE the fuck did that piece of me come from??
P2

Out of your butt, dumbass!
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  #129  
Old 10-07-2010, 05:03 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Polly, in reading your posts it seems you wanted so badly for this thing to work with C. You felt left out and she was in love with your husband. Sometimes it read that even though your husband saw this is dangerous you were determined to go on no matter what. You wanted to be included.

I have no clue why your husband ended things with C. However, it seems you weren't ready to let it go. I wonder if C thought if she could make things good with you, if you all could reconcile. Seems lots of boundaries were crossed.

Maybe go back and read your thread see what signs there were. I think only you know why you decided to go for it.

No judgements, this is something for the three of you to work out. Now it seems there are three people hurting worse. Pointing blame I don't think helps.
I do think some time of self introspection and good communication with your husband wouldn't hurt.
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  #130  
Old 10-07-2010, 05:18 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Thanks LMBL. I am hoping to talk to him face to face soon. He is still really angry at me and is holding on to many years of resentment. It seems that each mistake I make is another notch in the book. Yes, I am human. I do make mistakes. I accept that and know that it is in those mistakes, that recovery is the hardest. One way or another, I hope that we both can recover, either alone or together. Life is short. We both deserve to be happy. We are both good people who 'tried' something that most wouldn't. We experimented with fire. We thought 'we' could handle it. Clearly, we both, actually, all 3 failed in the experiment and now are left in pieces trying to figure out what happened and how and if we can rebuild.
What a life lesson....never, did I think that I would be in this spot now.
P2
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