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  #1  
Old 02-21-2015, 11:08 PM
SelinaKelly SelinaKelly is offline
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Default How scared are you..

... that a partner, you very much love, that you either currently have or that you'll hypothetically have in the future, will suddenly decide that they would rather monogamy? Just in general.

From your experience, do you think this is a realistic fear or rather do you feel that people changing thier minds happens often?
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Old 02-22-2015, 02:56 AM
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From what I've seen and experienced, people don't often switch from wanting to be polyamorous to preferring to be monogamous. It just doesn't seem to happen often. Which I guess is a little strange considering people do often switch from preferring to be monogamous to at least being willing to live in a poly arrangement.

I'm not at all worried about my current partner "turning mono" on me. She's just too stable to make a sudden 180 like that.
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Old 02-22-2015, 04:00 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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In my experience, most people think they are monogamous because that is the "default" setting in our society. I, personally, don't know anyone who elected for poly and then changed their mind. Not saying that it doesn't happen, but most people seem to do a LOT of soul searching before they decide on the non-monogamy option...it takes a lot of fortitude to go against the grain.

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Old 02-22-2015, 04:29 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't think it is useful to live in fear of hypothetical situations.

You might as well be focused on the possibility of nuclear war, or getting hit by a bus, and never leave the house if these kinds of worries are occupying your mind instead of what is happening in the here and now.
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Old 02-22-2015, 02:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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To me relationships are participatory.

I am not esp scared because whether poly or mono, there is always risk a partner might choose to stop participating and break up. Reasons could be many... They do not want to x any more, job transfer and they cannot or do not want LDR, illness, fell out of love, etc.

I am confident I can handle a break up so not esp fearful about how things might unfold. Bummer, but not the end of the world.

I can relax, enjoy it, and let it unfold however it will.

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Old 02-22-2015, 02:26 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I admit I do have that fear with S2. He hasn't sorted out whether he's mono or poly, and I worry that after he's recovered, so to speak, from his divorce, he'll decide that he wants to be someone's one-and-only again and to have her be his one-and-only.

I try not to think too much about it. He says he doesn't consider it likely; he's enjoying having his freedom and not being anyone's sole support in any way. He likes our arrangement because he's in love with me and likes having me around, but he doesn't have to financially support me, emotionally supporting me is shared with Hubby, and S2 gets to live alone, which is something he hasn't been able to do most of his life (he grew up with five siblings) and is finding that he prefers.

If, in the future, he does decide he wants another monogamous relationship, then that's what will happen... Our relationship will end and he'll find someone else. But our relationship could end at any time for any reasons, so I try to put all of that aside and just focus on the fact that *right now*, we have a really awesome thing going.
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Old 02-22-2015, 03:15 PM
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Notable story of a polyamorist who decided to become a monogamist: Wide Awake, by FullofLove1052. Compare some of the first posts in that blog with some of the last posts in that blog, just to get a taste of the contrast.

Although I would say it was by no means a decision that was made suddenly.
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Old 02-22-2015, 03:33 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
I admit I do have that fear with S2. He hasn't sorted out whether he's mono or poly, and I worry that after he's recovered, so to speak, from his divorce, he'll decide that he wants to be someone's one-and-only again and to have her be his one-and-only.

I try not to think too much about it. He says he doesn't consider it likely; he's enjoying having his freedom and not being anyone's sole support in any way. He likes our arrangement because he's in love with me and likes having me around, but he doesn't have to financially support me, emotionally supporting me is shared with Hubby, and S2 gets to live alone, which is something he hasn't been able to do most of his life (he grew up with five siblings) and is finding that he prefers.

If, in the future, he does decide he wants another monogamous relationship, then that's what will happen... Our relationship will end and he'll find someone else. But our relationship could end at any time for any reasons, so I try to put all of that aside and just focus on the fact that *right now*, we have a really awesome thing going.
I think this is the most likely scenario. Someone that probably didn't have a desire to be poly but fell for a person that was. Or someone that is doing it for their partners benefit...meaning their partner encouraged them to date and they end up finding someone that they want to be mono with in the course of that dating.
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Old 02-22-2015, 03:54 PM
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I can see that happening.
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Old 02-22-2015, 04:33 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Worrying about things is a life long tendency of mine. I find I don't do it much about relationships. The worst that can happen is that the romantic relationship ends, the partner and I drift apart and are no longer even friends.

While that would suck big time, I know I can deal with that sort of worst case.

I don't feel like I own my romantic partner and if he were to decide he no longer wished to be with me or that he wanted to live in a way I wouldn't be ok with, I'd be able to deal with it.
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