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Old 08-23-2010, 06:46 AM
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Default poly negative vs. poly positive.

It didn't occur to me until today that poly could be seen as either negative or positive. Much like sex negative and positive perhaps? Is there such a thing as poly positive and poly negative? Perhaps some clarification on what others think one way or the other could be interesting to discuss....
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:51 AM
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Really interesting that you are surprised by poly negatives.

Here are mine:

1. I have to share the most precious thing in my life.

2. I have had to confront my own jealousies when under normal circumstances I could probably have gone though life with a vision of myself as a non-jealous person perfectly intact.

3. I have lost closeness with friends and family, even my daughters because I cannot be totally honest about my life.

4. In a busy life with many demands on it my time with my love is reduced.

5. There is something relaxing and seemingly secure in an all mono relationship, if it works well.

Then there are the semi-negatives; the the ongoing issues that I'm overcoming but still raise their ugly heads from time to time:-

1. Another relationship may become more important to him than ours.

2. Does he really love me as deeply as I love him given his other relationships?

3. I sometimes feel kind of dispensible.

Last edited by sage; 08-23-2010 at 07:56 AM.
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Old 08-23-2010, 08:35 AM
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Smile positives

Sorry, that last post was very one sided. It brought up quite a bit of sadness.

My positives are on my blog http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com...positives.html
there are 11 of them so i guess even for me the positives outweigh the negatives.
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Old 08-23-2010, 02:23 PM
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I could be wrong but I think the poly negative term is not related to the negatives of poly but the idea that certain behavior can be viewed as "less" poly by people in our own communities.

An example would be people that see poly-fi as going against the nature of poly becasause to them it is about always being open. Therefore, poly-fi would be seen as "poly negative" behavior.

Another example would be other polies who see intimate networks as less than poly because they don't see how "love" can possibly be a part of these poly networks of "friends with benefits". Therefore, this might be considered poly negative.

For me personally; I am anti-cuddle party, anti open sex environments, and a bunch of other things that some people in our community see as being anti-poly and therefore could be considered poly negative. The fact that I am comfortable having a married grilfriend who has other loves would however be seen as "poly positive".

This is about judgement from within our community.
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:09 PM
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Funny how the written word is so open to misunderstanding. When I wrote "poly negative" in the post which got Rp thinking I meant it in terms of negatives for the woman concerned within her relationship. I don't know if that was what Rp got or whether she meant it in the wider context as you say. Perhaps she could clairfy LOL
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:01 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Yea, RP - what exactly are you getting at here ?

I would read this (via your reference to sex neg/pos) that you were referring to an overall opinion of the poly lifestyle and people involved as being positives or negatives (call it a stereotype - a fav topic )

GS
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:22 PM
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I tend to view the Poly + versus the Poly - like this :

- Its the overall reasons for people being poly. So I see it as a way to sum up the relationships as a whole.


Example A : Jon and Joan get together. Grow bored. Jon/Joan cheats. The other finds out. They both like their money, and comfort living lifestyle so don`t split up. They get side lovers, and declare themselves as poly.

That to me would be a poly-negative relationship. Doing it for the wrong reasons.

Example B : Jon and Joan have a great relationship and share everything. They love to try new opportunities. Jon/Joan brings up the idea of poly, and while hesitant, they weigh the pros and cons together. They learn a lot, and end up in poly-style relationships.

That to me is a basic outlook of a poly-positive relationship.


We can be on either side of the coin as well. You can start off poly-positive, and end up in a poly-negative drama filled, war zone if things go off track. Vice versa too.


I use that reference in my own head, so that I can see a overall picture of how things/relationships are going for me. Am I in a poly-positive relationship, or a poly-negative one. What am I doing to contribute to tipping the scales in either direction ? ...and so forth,...

Thats just my personal outlook.
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Old 08-23-2010, 08:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Example B : Jon and Joan have a great relationship and share everything. They love to try new opportunities. Jon/Joan brings up the idea of poly, and while hesitant, they weigh the pros and cons together. They learn a lot, and end up in poly-style relationships.

That to me is a basic outlook of a poly-positive relationship.


We can be on either side of the coin as well. You can start off poly-positive, and end up in a poly-negative drama filled, war zone if things go off track. Vice versa too.
Thanks for that... very helpful description.
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Old 08-23-2010, 08:45 PM
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I misunderstood sage in another thread in terms of her referring to negative for a certain person, but it got me thinking. I don't mean what are the positives and negatives of poly for a person but what would make someone poly negative or positive? Much like the discussion between sex negative and sex positive. I'm sure it will vary as it does in the sex topic. I don't always agree with what is out there about that, but its worth discussing and worth understanding.

For me some poly negatives would be things like control over another in terms of unnegotiated vetos, purposely going against someones required and previously negotiated boundary, someone who obviously struggles to care and respect others in a tribe or community so as to gain for themselves, someone who purposefully doesn't work on issues and open honest communication, drama in unnecessary excess where no one wins because its all about the drama and not about the root of issues. All of these would be poly negatives to me. Basically the root of it is about control and selfishness for me.

Poly positives for me would be someone who goes beyond the call of duty to look after the needs of others, people who purposely look after their own needs/boundaries by being waware of them as they come up and requesting them and following through on that need being met (self care/being ones own primary), those who find the positives in situations and find ways to negotiate and move around issues in due course and with approriate methods of boundary setting that are respectful, honest, compassionate and caring of those involved. This would be poly positive to me. To me it would be about making an effort to understand others, accept them for who they are and where they are at on their journey and to be selfless and giving as much as one can before giving too much and not leaving enough energy for ones self. This to me is what love is all about and what the heart of poly is. The foundation.
All of these points I can see being individuals and whole tribes as tribes/constalations take on a personality all their own after a time.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-23-2010 at 08:59 PM.
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Old 08-24-2010, 12:52 AM
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Some of those things are fluid. And have to be. So while it may be poly positive (pp) it may not exist all the time. During times of pain, injury or illness things become obstuse. Pengrah can sometimes have a problem seeing my pain, through her pain. For example. This happens in mono relationships to.

I think a poly positive relationship is where all the moving parts are involved and working to each others betterment. Some things, as self aware as I try to be, I am blind to. Is that ignorant of me, sure, so I hope Pengrah can help me. Bonus of being opposites in so many ways is that we see life through different glasses (literally too ) SJ also helps me as she and I are very similar, but she see things through a different gender. Its amazingly rewarding to have that detail expanded with help.

To take that to its extreme, it can become poly negative when it becomes dependent. If one pillar is angled, narrow or breaking down while the other hold strong. One thing I saw this weekend was the need for all parts to be ready to help and be involved. Either backing away and giving room or coming in and offering a different perspective.

That for me, is poly positive.

True dependency would create a poly negative space.

I can think of other things that could be poly negative but will leave it open and see what comes from this
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