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  #81  
Old 02-26-2013, 12:00 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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For the record, some people seem to have some kind of absolute brain blank when it comes to keeping to a schedule/plan. They just simply can't seem to comprehend that people make schedules/plans for a reason and that when they fark it up, it affects other people.

(Dude does this ALL of the time - it is one of our major issues. I will be thinking: "OK, he is going to this and that, then I can meet him here for this next step, and if something holds that up then plan B is to thus-and-so." and will arrange my day accordingly...Him: "Well, I was thinking of doing this and that but this other thing grabbed my attention and I never got around to thus-and-so. Well, I guess I'll do it sometime next week." I will think that we have a firm plan, and for him it is just a vague "maybe" possibility. Aargh!)

So one question for me would be - has W always been so blase about time-frames/plans/schedules or is this a new development? I can understand that occasionally plans go awry (which is why I generally have a back-up plan...or six) but does she generally make an attempt to stay on track? Or is this a "new guy"/NRE related phenomena?

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  #82  
Old 02-26-2013, 01:35 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from learninginTN, Post #75):
Quote:
"This weekend my wife and her guy went to a conference that he wanted to attend."
Oh -- oops I kind of spaced on the weekend thing, I was thinking they were only gone on Sunday. Well, that does make a bit more difference then, especially if the weekend included Friday.

Re: the ups and downs ... I am going by posts in the past where -- well, like there'd be one post that sounded more positive/upbeat, where she had seemed to do some kind of nice/hopeful thing such as sleep with you and do some physical contact. Or, like today, when she volunteered to take care of the kids although I realize this is not enough to make up for the bad stuff.

If it has gotten to the point where it is all downs and going further down, then maybe it is time to get a divorce lawyer. Does the counsellor know how bad things have gotten? Make sure she knows, and don't let W hijack the counselling session with all the "boo-hoo things W is suffering." 50% of the counselling session should be going towards what you are suffering.

I can see that things have gotten pretty horrible. It's a little more tolerable when at least W is improving and gradually acting better, but when she's acting worse it really sucks. It is definitely unfair that you get none of her sexual attentions while her boyfriend gets plenty (for example).
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  #83  
Old 02-26-2013, 01:55 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
As to the sexual intimacy issue, the last time I brought it up (last week) she simply said she's not ready. She didn't say no. But I just got her to read "Opening Up" by Tristam Taormino (and her guy is reading it, too). The sections on NRE and others may get her to re-examine her relationship with me. I just started reading "Intimacy and Desire" by David Schnarch. It is supposedly a fantastic book about resurrecting the desire in a marriage. After I'm done with it I'm going to urge her to read it.
My experience is that if someone has any interest in having sex with their spouse, they'll be doing it or working on it on their own. My experience, for what it's worth, is that pushing spouses (and spouse's boyfriends!) to read books to convince them you want and need more sex from her is not going to do any good at all. If she cared at all, something would have changed way before that.

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Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
...The anger and borderline emotional abuse ... the bi-polar diagnosis...

....The trust issues....she had her affair.

The anger returned pretty much after she stopped taking the meds. ... She wants to be "herself" regardless of the collateral damage. ...

You're right about the NRE. It is the explanation for a lot of things, but can't be used as an excuse for a lot of the bad behavior.
Plus taking off for most of the weekend, not being there for her kids, screaming and yelling at them when she is...and in one of your posts, you're worried about whether you'll ever get up the balls to ask a girl out.

Bluntly here, you're not in junior high school. You have two children who need you. You have a home life and marriage crashing down around your ears and theirs.

They need a mother, too, and at this point, she needs tough love from you. She needs to be told clearly to start helping herself because she has two little girls depending on her, or to stop with the collateral damage she's doing, and simply leave, so you can give these girls a peaceful home.

(Just a thought--I work with kids and one little girl told me yesterday her mother is back from an extended trip. I said, "You must be happy!" She said not really, now there's all kinds of screaming and yelling in their home again, that it was peaceful with just her and her dad. This is where you're heading. Kids DO say things to the teachers and adults in their lives. Is this what you want your daughters saying to their teachers?)

I see in this thread all kinds of concern about scheduling and NRE and getting sexual needs met.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN? Who is meeting THEIR needs?
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  #84  
Old 02-26-2013, 06:28 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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After a long telephone discussion with W during lunch today, I'm seriously considering going ahead and putting a stop to all this. So now I have to decide whether to:

1) Tell her we're done with this polyamory experiment and let her make her decision. I'm pretty sure she'll decide to keep seeing her guy. So then I would go ahead and start divorce proceedings based on her adultery, or
2) Sit down with her and start working on the divorce ourselves, with me telling her what I want for me and the kids, or
3) Go to an attorney and start the divorce based on some kind of other thing, like the fact that she's emotionally abusive, unstable, dishonest, etc.
4) Talk to W's guy and tell him we're stopping the polyamory. He agreed when we started this he would not want to do anything to interfere with our marriage.

If we pursue the divorce and all the polyamory/open marriage stuff comes out, will we be in danger of having our kids taken from us? If this were a possibility, I would not even examine the idea of divorce.

Last edited by learninginTN; 02-26-2013 at 06:34 PM.
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  #85  
Old 02-26-2013, 06:57 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Just as an FYI, if W is so very much in the whole "I want you a secondary, I never wanted kids" mindset even if you do number 4 you still may end up with a divorce.
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  #86  
Old 02-26-2013, 07:08 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Just as an FYI, if W is so very much in the whole "I want you a secondary, I never wanted kids" mindset even if you do number 4 you still may end up with a divorce.
I guess the only difference between numbers 4 & 1 is that in the case of #4, there is the wildcard of not really knowing what her guy would do. He's still not fully divorced, and greatly worried about what might happen in his own case if details of this thing got out. His STBX is a bit hard-nosed, and could make an issue regarding his custody of his teenaged son.
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  #87  
Old 02-26-2013, 07:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
If we pursue the divorce and all the polyamory/open marriage stuff comes out, will we be in danger of having our kids taken from us? If this were a possibility, I would not even examine the idea of divorce.
You need to speak with an attorney and find out what the law says in your state. Here in CA this would be a non-issue, then again so is adultery. If she is abusive, you have an obligation to protect your children. You can't make these decisions without knowing the facts, so meet with an attorney and find out the facts.
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  #88  
Old 02-26-2013, 10:58 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from WhatHappened, Post #83):
Quote:
"WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN? Who is meeting THEIR needs?"
Yeah, I feel pretty bad for the kids (and admittedly should have said so sooner). W is acting really selfishly in general, from what I can tell.

And I agree with SNeacail, it wouldn't be a bad idea to at least have a consultation with an attorney, and find out what's at stake here. #=!!, I think I'd also consider talking to W's boyfriend and at least letting him know how bad things have gotten. See what he says ...
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  #89  
Old 02-28-2013, 08:06 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Date night tonight! I hope it does some good. In the past she's been on good behavior during date night.

Good friend of ours (and occassional FWB) had a heart-to-heart with her last night. He feels she is out of control and attempted to convince her to give polyamory a rest for two to three months. I still don't know whether he convinced her to actually do that. Hopefully we'll talk about that tonight.
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  #90  
Old 03-01-2013, 04:28 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Not such a good date night. W went on and on about how she doesn't like the schedule now, that's it's too rigid, too confining, she feels trapped. Feels she's not seeing him enough, blah, blah, blah. I tell her I designed the schedule pretty much exactly the way she wanted, and she's stretched time out with her guy by many hours. She actually wanted to reschedule our date night and go see him, but she knows how militant I am about our one date night per week, so she didn't even ask me beforehand.

I keep re-iterating my points that I'm not having my needs met. She claims that's not her job. I say "au contraire, mon frere" ( I didn't phrase it like that). That's the job of everyone in a relationship. It just gets more complicated in a three-person relationship.

Then she talks about her meeting with our friend last night. She says he's being driven by his own jealousy - that he wants her to spend less time with her guy so that HE can spend more time with her. She claims he has, on several occasions, recommended she get out of her marriage because it was "making her unhappy". So fantastic - just what I need, a "friend" who is not a friend of the marriage.
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