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  #11  
Old 01-22-2013, 02:56 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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W has moved back into the bedroom. That's a good sign. I'm meeting her guy tomorrow night, and I have some questions for you veterans. Should I mention her affair back in 2010? She hasn't told him about that. Also, should I bring up her bi-polar and depression issues? Again, he doesn't know about that. I suspect we'll spend a lot of time talking ground rules and discussing ways to keep this relationship out of the public eye, and keep it unknown to most of our friends and family, most of whom would never understand or approve.

The other night, W went to spend some time with her guy, and said she'd see me in a little while. She ended up not getting home at all, saying she overslept, and had to go straight to work. During the night, one of my girls came into our bedroom because of a bad dream, and noticed Mommy wasn't in bed. I lied and told her Mommy was in the bathroom. I don't like having to lie, but I'm not ready to tell our 5 year-old girls about this new relationship. I feel they need stability and routine in their lives, and I don't want them thinking Mommy and Daddy might break up. Maybe in a few years, if this relationship is still going on, I might tell them about it.

What do you guys think?
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  #12  
Old 01-22-2013, 07:31 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"I'm meeting her guy tomorrow night, and I have some questions for you veterans. Should I mention her affair back in 2010?"
That's a tough call. I would probably not mention it, unless:

a) you think she might do it again,
b) it directly comes up in the conversation.

Re:
Quote:
"Also, should I bring up her bi-polar and depression issues?"
That's a 50/50 call. It probably wouldn't hurt to bring it up, but who knows, he may have guessed it already (given the amount of time he's spent with her).

Re:
Quote:
"I don't like having to lie, but I'm not ready to tell our 5 year-old girls about this new relationship. I feel they need stability and routine in their lives, and I don't want them thinking Mommy and Daddy might break up. Maybe in a few years, if this relationship is still going on, I might tell them about it."
I guess it would be helpful to find out (first) whether you and W are going to be staying together. If you are, then it might be fine to tell the kids about the poly thing. The one big caution I usually give about kids is, sometimes they're pretty good at figuring things out on their own, without being told by their parents.

Glad to hear W has at least moved back into the bedroom. Keep us posted.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #13  
Old 01-22-2013, 07:47 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Thanks for the input. I always appreciate getting advice from those that have been in the trenches, so to speak.

W and I are currently researching some poly-friendly counsellors. I am going to work hard at getting the spark back into our relationship. I think we have some issues that most couples have at some point that we can work on. Plus, I think the NRE will soon diminish and W will start putting a little more energy back in our relationship.
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  #14  
Old 01-22-2013, 08:09 PM
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Sounds like a good plan. Just remember, NRE is unpredictable, you never know how long it will take to "wear off." But W should be working on her relationship with you anyway.
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Old 01-23-2013, 01:19 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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One more quick question: When I meet this guy tonight, should I tell him that W and I are not having sex, or should I leave that for W and me to work on? I feel the NRE between them is at least partially responsible for that, but should I mention it at all? I don't want to seem controlling, but at the same time I don't want him to think I'm perfectly fine with the status quo, because at this time my own physical and emotional needs are not being met.

Well, actually one more question: This guy's divorce is almost final, although I've heard his W is dragging her feet lately getting some things done about that. Should I talk to him about that, or should I leave that alone? I keep wondering if his feelings toward my wife will change once he's single, as opposed to still married and worried about the appearance of his relationship with my W while he's still working on things like custody of his 15 year-old and division of assets.
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  #16  
Old 01-23-2013, 03:36 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
I'm meeting her guy tomorrow night, and I have some questions for you veterans. Should I mention her affair back in 2010? She hasn't told him about that. Also, should I bring up her bi-polar and depression issues? Again, he doesn't know about that.
Hmmm. Part of developing a relationship with someone (I'm talking about his and hers here) is sharing stories and intimate details of our lives. This happens over time, as subjects arise. These are parts of "her story" that they haven't gotten around to discussing yet. I would ASK her if it ok for you two to talk about them if the subject arises. The affair and your reactions to it are certainly relevant - but he is dating HER and not YOU so it might be better if this information came from her initially and THEN you and he could discuss how it shapes your current feelings about their relationship.

At one point, when a topic came up between Dude and I where one of MrS's stories would have been relevant - I felt uncomfortable because I didn't know if this was something that they (as friends) had shared yet. At this point, I had a conversation with each of them separately asking, essentially, what degree of "privacy" they each were expecting - and what my own comfort levels were.

Quote:
Originally Posted by learninginTN View Post
During the night, one of my girls came into our bedroom because of a bad dream, and noticed Mommy wasn't in bed. I lied and told her Mommy was in the bathroom. I don't like having to lie, but I'm not ready to tell our 5 year-old girls about this new relationship. I feel they need stability and routine in their lives, and I don't want them thinking Mommy and Daddy might break up. Maybe in a few years, if this relationship is still going on, I might tell them about it.

What do you guys think?
I think there is a middle ground between lying (a bad idea) and telling children specific details about relationships. What's wrong with saying that Mommy is sleeping over at her friend's house? 5-year olds can understand "slumber parties" and not have it mean that a family is going to disintegrate - that is something that friends do.

JaneQ
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TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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  #17  
Old 01-23-2013, 11:06 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"When I meet this guy tonight, should I tell him that W and I are not having sex, or should I leave that for W and me to work on? I feel the NRE between them is at least partially responsible for that, but should I mention it at all? I don't want to seem controlling, but at the same time I don't want him to think I'm perfectly fine with the status quo, because at this time my own physical and emotional needs are not being met."
I think it would be fair enough to tell him, "Not everything is great between me and my wife." But be careful about something that could be interpreted as, "I'd really rather you not be involed with my wife." Unless that's actually how you feel. Misunderstandings/misinterpretations can happen easily, especially in a we-just-met conversation.

Re:
Quote:
"This guy's divorce is almost final, although I've heard his W is dragging her feet lately getting some things done about that. Should I talk to him about that, or should I leave that alone?"
That seems like something that should be brought up if it naturally comes up in the conversation. Let him make the call on what should be talked about in some areas.

Jane Q gave a lot of good advice. I'll echo that. I'll also suggest that maybe it would make it too complicated to "over-plan" the conversation you have with this guy. Let some things come up as they will, and try not to "force the topics." People have organic relationships; they can't always be fitted to a blueprint.

Good luck on your upcoming meeting with this guy.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #18  
Old 01-24-2013, 01:56 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Well, that meeting with guy went much better than expected. It was a little awkward at first, but after we had a little beer and pizza the conversation really started to flow. We talked about our histories and what we wanted from the future, and he assured me he was comfortable being in a secondary role, and had no intentions of interfering with our kids. We talked about scheduling and practical things like that, too. I told him I felt it important that W spend at least a little more time with our family, and he wholeheartedly agreed.

We talked a lot about how important it was to keep this relationship out of the public eye as much as possible, and keeping it from the girls. He's a professional (actually we all are), but we agreed that it would hurt us professionally if word got out, because especially where we live (deep in the Bible Belt), most people would frown on our activities.

His W apparently had an affair before they talked about opening their marriage, and I could tell how hurt he was. I decided not to tell him about my W's affair, because I didn't want to portray her too much in a negative light. I figure she may eventually tell him herself, and we can deal with that then. I also didn't tell him about her bi-polar issues and depression. Again, I'll let her tell him when she chooses.

We didn't really talk about the issues between W and me, except in a very vague sense, that we're working on things and things seem to be getting better. He talked a lot about his divorce, and the events leading up to that. Apparently his W instigated the open marriage, and then later decided she liked her new guy better, and they could never resolve the issue, and so they moved into divorce. He and I both recognized the possible similarities to what's going on now, and he assured me that will not happen, because he's been there and knows the pain of being relegated to second place. Ironically, now his W is dragging her feet with their divorce, and having second thoughts now that reality is setting in. Turns out for her maybe the grass wasn't necessarily greener on the other side.

So I think things are getting better. When I got home, W said she was freaking out about how things were going to go with me and him. I assured her things went well, and went on to tell her about most of the stuff we talked about.

Last edited by learninginTN; 01-24-2013 at 02:03 PM.
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  #19  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:15 PM
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That's great news learninginTN; things sound very promising for the future. Things will come up a little at a time here and there, which seems fine.

Keep us posted as time goes on. We're pulling for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #20  
Old 01-25-2013, 05:01 PM
learninginTN learninginTN is offline
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Had a little issue last night. W asked to go see guy last night (after getting home from work at about 8:30), which would be the third night this week (basically every other day). I didn't feel like arguing or trying to make a point, so I just agreed, even though my heart was telling me this was too much. Especially since she has spent about a total of 4 waking hours with me this week, . So she left.

Then I texted a friend of ours that knows about our lifestyle, but thinks she is being totally unreasonable with this guy. I complained about her "putting in a one-hour appearance to tuck the girls in" and then leaving. He offered me some words of comfort about how maybe the NRE would start wearing off soon. W comes home at about 4:30am, starts giving me some kisses, saying she's sorry she's been so absent this week, then picks up my phone and starts going through my texts. She sees the above exchange, then starts giving me an earful of "if you have a problem with what I'm doing, talk to me, not him", etc.

Now, this guy is the ONLY person I know in person I can talk to about such things, and it's kind of comforting to have a guy to talk to (he's in the lifestyle, too, but as a swinger only, and does not at all approve of what W is doing). But I tried to apologize, but she still left for work a little angry. I'm a little miffed that she thinks it's ok to go through my text messages, but she has the messages to her guy (and a couple of other people) carefully password protected so I can't get to them.

So I'm prepared to talk to her today about having some balance, and that I need to have my physical and emotional needs tended to, since I don't have a girlfriend yet, and am not getting this from W either. At the same time, I want to come across as a little understanding about the NRE. When her guy and I met, he supposedly understood about his secondary role and that I needed me and my girls to come first in her life.

To top it off, she now wants to go out of town this weekend with guy to see a burlesque show. This would make the fourth overnight with guy this week. I told her I would think about it. But I'm prepared to have the discussion with her about how 1) I'm a little hurt she asked him instead of me, since it's been weeks since we went anywhere alone, and 2) how I'm uncomfortable I am with the amount of time she's spent with him this week.

One of the reasons I don't often share my feelings with her is 1) I don't want to seem controlling, and 2) when I do object to something, she argues with me about the issue, coming up with excuse after excuse, and just tires me out until I agree. She never seems to want to change her behavior based on my feelings, so I've just started to give up talking to her about these things. It's as if my feelings are irrelevant, so why even bother.

Fortunately we have our first counselling session this Tuesday evening with a poly-friendly counsellor. If any of you veterans have any words of wisdom, I would appreciate it, because I'm feeling pretty glum about things now.
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