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  #11  
Old 08-30-2010, 08:53 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default H has a new start date for us

And that date is August 30, 2010.

More tonight.
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  #12  
Old 09-05-2010, 03:25 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default Wandering around lost

Obviously it is not August 30.

Being busy at work and a computer down and just not knowing what to write has plagued me. Don't know what to write but must to get it off my chest.

The bottom line is that even though H agreed to let B go ahead with calling it poly, nothing really changed. B and I talk, but H is with B and she is self-censoring over the phone. She doesn't like it but puts up with it. On Thursday night she called from work and was able to say "I love you" over the phone for the first time in over a week. That felt nice. She was able to say it again from work last night, which also felt nice. For a while.

I can't say as I've felt either overwhelmingly happy or calm at all these last few days. "Scared" is the only emotion I've really felt for over a week. Scared because the relationship between me and my wife is hitting unbearable highs and lows. Either fighting or extreme closeness. Either hatred or incredible love.

And scared because I keep asking myself "what the fuck am I doing?" B has told me more about her past and her present. She is a very damaged woman. I'm used to that, my wife is a very damaged woman as well. Can I support both of them? Earlier this week I was able to support B and she cherished my caring nature. But then I wasn't able to support my wife later in the week. I collapsed in self-hatred. Why couldn't I be there for her at that point, when she needed me? The other night I had a nightmare, a friend handed me a box of broken glass and asked me to put the shattered pieces back together. Every piece of glass cut me, but as I put the pieces together I saw that the pieces composed a picture of my wife and a picture of B. Will I be able to put the pieces together? I worry.

It's almost as if I beg my wife to stop me from myself. But at the same time my wife is starting to fall for B. Maybe against her own better judgment, but all the same, there are feelings developing for her. And she doesn't want me to leave B. Is it because she will feel responsible for breaking up our relationship? Is it because she wants to be with B too? I don't think even she knows.

And in the midst of this maelstrom is H, who kind of rises above it all. Last night B told me she was very nervous about things, and I admitted my wife and I were too. She said "well H is just calm about everything." I asked her if she felt that H had a measure of control. "No H doesn't control me" she laughed. I believe that. But at the same time she's hinted at massive rifts in their relationship. I can't have that on my conscience. My ex-wife trusted me to be honest with her, then repaid my honesty by cheating on me and breaking up our marriage. I have been extremely careful to not allow B to go behind H's back at any time absolutely because of that. I don't know if their marriage will survive--not because of us necessarily, but because their marriage might not have survived anyway. But I can't feel responsible.

I want my marriage to survive too. For the first time my wife has told me things like "I will leave you if...", and not because I want to be with B, but because I ask to leave. To ease her pain. To stop all this. There are times I want to get off this rollercoaster, that I can't hang on any more, that my emotions are affecting my life and work and home life. But it seems nothing ever changes, that a few minutes of respite are then thrown against hours of worry. I feel stuck between B's "overwhelming" (her words) love and my wife's need for love and my own need for sanity. I worry that my wife's desire "not to hurt me" will lead to disaster. Because, honestly, I am hurting already.

And lastly there are times when I wake up at 4 in the morning and think to myself "how will this end?" I want to write a letter to B in case it all ends tonight. We are meeting, the four of us, and it could very well end if we can't negotiate all the logistics, how my wife and B can spend time together, how one day I can spend time with B (which H is seemingly not ready for yet). Where the lines are drawn. And there is a part of me, no matter how much I love B, no matter how my wife wants me to stay with her, that just wants to hand her that letter and say "I'm sorry. This is my fault." It might destroy her, or help her rebuild with H, or maybe she just shrugs her shoulders and finds another me. And then my wife and I are left wondering how we deal with all the things we've learned about each other...that maybe I really am poly, that this being "actively bi" thing is not so bad for my wife, that there are trust issues that we might never see eye to eye again.

So.
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  #13  
Old 09-10-2010, 02:08 AM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default Something better, something brighter

Just before my wife and I left to meet up with B and H, weird thing #1 happened. H called me. To ask if I wanted to meet up later in the week. Seriously. I thought that was a good sign.

Weird thing #2 happened right when B came to the restaurant where we met up with them. She came in...and was wearing...OK you are going to start laughing now...a lobster suit. Seriously, again. B knows that I have a fear (ok, maybe not exactly a fear) of lobsters. She actually came into the restaurant wearing a lobster suit. I am going to tell you right now, when it comes to calming fears, B is an absolute genius. Who else could have done that? I laughed my butt off.

Could anything have gone badly after that? Well, no, but it went even better than I thought it could have. Actually, there were hiccups. H admitted that after he found the texts and e-mails between B and I he considered leaving her, and that there had been a “big” fight. That was scary. As I say I’ve already been in one marriage that broke up because of cheating and although I had gone out of my way to not cheat with B I don’t want to be involved in anything like that again. But apart from that…most everything went better than expected. Incredibly, even after H had considered leaving B over me, he considered whether B and I could meet in public on our own. Maybe we’re not ready for that. Maybe he’s not. But he’s considering it. And already H is OK with B and my wife and I meeting up on our own.

H opened up to us even more about why he is uncomfortable with B and my wife and I being poly. But he’s agreed to us going ahead with it. It’s admirable of him to admit that. But it’s also part and parcel of the fact that he is beginning to trust us more every day. The important thing is that we keep him part of the conversation and part of the relationship.

And, to that end, I did go meet up with him on Monday. And last night the four of us went to a bar/entertainment thing and had loads of fun. Yes, there was lots of snuggling and furtive kissing, but it was about being friendly too. We are starting to connect on a different level now. There is still nervousness, but there is also a determination to move forward. B is now openly calling me “boyfriend” and my wife “girlfriend.” And…somehow…H is OK. Maybe not leaping with joy. But OK. And B is talking quietly about meeting up with me one-on-one. My wife isn’t ready for that either, but…soon.

After we got home on Sunday night, B sent us a text. See, although there was much touching and holding and kissing, my wife had wanted us to keep things non-sexual. And we did…but B couldn’t help herself afterward…and something about 25 orgasms in 15 minutes. B is still B. We do love her for that!
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  #14  
Old 09-23-2010, 11:10 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default At love's brilliant glow

Has it really been a month since I told B that I loved her? Sometimes it seems it just happened and other times it seems I've loved her forever. My God so much has happened since I last updated. A few highlights :

My wife admitted almost out of the blue that she loved B. That she was scared about it but she did...but over the last two weeks her fear has subsided.

B and I haven't spent time completely alone...but we did spend a beautiful evening in a separate room in her house, kissing and holding each other until she felt comfortable enough to share her secrets. And then we quietly made love...or at least brought each other to orgasm, her in a way she had never been able to from fear and damage. She expressed her love again and again...

B thought a misunderstanding was going to upset my wife. I found her crying...I kissed her tears and calmed her. Together we talked it out with my wife. More tears were shed...and yet at the end of it all, each of us declared our love for the other two. B said she had never felt such love. Neither have we.

More to follow ... hard to type on this phone...
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  #15  
Old 09-24-2010, 02:25 AM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default Star Me Kitten

B has dubbed my wife "Kitten". It's rather a sweet name. My wife doesn't like her own name, and B has identified a feline streak in her. I've given B the pet name of "star", as she has a few star tattoos that she is rather fond of. In return B gave me a necklace with a star, which I wear all the time these days. I don't have a name yet. So the three of us are an REM song now...

The days when I wasn't sure how B felt about me, or my wife wasn't sure about B, or we didn't know where the three of us stood...gone. The three of us have no trouble vocalizing our love now. In fact I got off the phone with B just now (she's talking with my wife) and we ended the conversation with "I love you"...and it doesn't feel forced or wrong at all. These are wonderful days, in comparison with all the fear and worry of the first few weeks.

Not that there is no worry or fear. As I mentioned there was a misunderstanding which B was afraid would break us up. She told me she was afraid my wife would be angry and leave her...she was OK. The three of us were in tears but we were brought closer together. We talked about all of the things that had hurt us and nearly broken us apart in the past, and our heart-to-heart (to heart?) tore down more barriers. I've never been part of such love. And then last night B received some health news which upset her greatly...she told us that if we wanted to leave her she would understand. Of course we wouldn't want to leave! Perhaps in the past her partners left over some triviality. But our bond is stronger now.

Where is H in all of this? He is still nervous about things. When B and I were in separate rooms on Sunday night snuggling and kissing H admitted to my wife that he was very nervous. The friendly bond between the four of us continues though. For example tonight H called to talk my wife through trying to find something she'd lost, and thanked her for helping B through her medical worries of the previous night. His interest in being a friend to my wife and me does seem genuine, which is calming to us all.

The legs of our triangle seem to finally be taking some shape. B and I are somewhat more spiritual in our love, a bit more serious, a bit more passionate. My wife and B are more playful in their conversation, which does help B through the tough times of her life very well. The two haven't had much time to be physically affectionate, partly because of nerves of my wife's part, but some of that will happen next time we all meet up. Which I look forward to as well I'm learning a lot about my wife's sexuality these days, that she can be lusting after B one minute and craving me the next. B's been feeling that for her whole life, but it's a new experience for my wife. I am not complaining

We're still not completely free and we perhaps never will be. We don't have all the time in the world to be with B and we know that. A Sunday night here, a weekend there, an afternoon or evening date here or there. But we're talking every night, the three of us. It shows something about H's sweetness to us that he got us a webcam so we can talk to the two of them together and actually see their faces (and on one memorable occasion much more...B being B again ). But we carry on. We're seeing them Sunday night, then next Sunday night. A month from now we'll have most of a weekend together...we can't wait. Then who knows? A month ago I told B I loved her then within hours I almost lost her. A month is a long time...and the days between the times we see her grow long...but we are surviving. Less than three days until the next time!
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  #16  
Old 09-24-2010, 07:39 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default Feelings growing stronger with every embrace

And no, I'm not talking about me and B...but between me and my wife. I never thought we could love each other more than we already did. But it has happened, and we could not be happier.

Why has it happened, when we both are in love with B? I think part of it has been that B has calmed my wife's fears in a lot of ways...in the past my wife feared that she was undeserving of love. For some time she felt that B's love was ungenuine, that she was only saying things to get closer to me. It took some time but my wife has seen real love from her. And now she knows better what real love is. It feels as if weights have been lifted from her shoulders. My love for her grows every day as I see her lovely smile, whether it be after talking to me or talking to B. She told me the other day "I feel deserving of love at last."

And I love her more than the earth. It seems as if for every bit that I love B, I love my wife twice as much more. Our love multiplies every day.
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  #17  
Old 09-24-2010, 09:04 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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Default

Wow, its awesome to hear things are going so well! I just started reading this thread, and the early posts were so gut-wrenching, it seemed like a big crash-and-burn was coming fast. It keeps amazing me, the incredible ups and downs experienced by the people posting on this board!

Its especially gratifying to hear your wife is feeling so healed by B's love, and that yours keeps growing!

H seems to me to be the wild card in all this. I hope he can continue to deal.

Amazing journey so far, thank you for sharing!


Anotherbo
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  #18  
Old 11-13-2010, 05:52 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default Tears roll down the face of the earth...I saw it with my own two blue eyes

Well it's been almost two months since I posted here. It's felt like two years. Up, down, tremendous highs, tremendous lows, fear, excitement, drama, comedy, passion, love, heartbreak...all of these sometimes in the same hour, let alone the same day. And now, the end I fear, the first time in my life I am going to have to turn a lover away. I am not looking forward to this at all but I don't see a way forward.

Let me go back to some happier times. When I stopped posting here (and I didn't do it because I wasn't being supported here...I feared that my wife or B were looking at my posts--I don't care about that now) the three of us were settling down into a routine. Not a rut by any means, but a fine routine. The three of us would talk on the phone on Monday through Thursday nights, then the four of us would meet, usually at their place, on Sunday evening. All the Sunday visits were wonderful. Sometimes the visits would be sexual, sometimes not. It didn't seem to matter...well, I didn't think it mattered. The relationship between B and I blossomed. She helped me through some difficult times, and I helped her in her words just by being there and showing her love. At times she said she had been waiting for my love forever, and she couldn't understand what she had done to win my heart.

Things were less settled between my wife and B. At times they seemed to be in love, but most of the time it seemed like B was in love but my wife wasn't. Sometimes things would go very well between them, and my wife would seem very happy about how things went, but then later on my wife would be extremely upset about some detail of their time together. She was seeming more and more nervous around B and H, sometimes drinking heavily and later admitting that she did it to calm herself.

My wife was also increasingly convinced that B was lying to her about loving her. She would grab my phone after she got home from work, and be upset if B told me something she didn't tell her, or if she thought that B had sent me too many texts during the day. I thought that she was exaggerating a bit of that, and she agreed with that at times. Just yesterday my wife admitted to me that although she still wasn't sure that B loved her, she was aware that she was holding back from her out of fear of getting hurt, and because she still didn't think she was worthy of love. The last time B talked to her, B ended the conversation with "I love you." My wife didn't respond to that.

So I was starting to think that my wife wanted this to end. At times she would say that B and I could continue our relationship without her. I said I didn't want that, that I didn't feel comfortable going behind her back and that I just could not do that. I asked her if she wanted me to break it off entirely. She said no, she couldn't do that, she would feel like it was her fault and she would never forgive herself for "depriving" me. At some points she threatened to harm herself if I broke up with her. So of course at that point I couldn't. I did tell her though, that I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place, that the relationship was hurting her (even if I know that that hurt was mostly self-inflicted by her) but I couldn't actually do anything about it.

This week though it became obvious she did want it to end. On one day, my wife suggested to B that she could "sext" me before a meeting if she cleared it with her first. The next morning I did have a meeting and B sexted me. I assumed she'd cleared it with my wife and I responded with her in kind. That night my wife took my phone and saw the text and was furious, and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm not seeing them on Sunday." And yesterday H, who over most of the last two months has been somewhere between a bystander and an occasional participant, hurt his back. The first thing my wife wrote to me about it was "Let's not see them on Sunday." When I asked her about it she said "well we need to give them a break"--but all the while she was extremely eager not to see them. It seemed to me like she wanted an excuse not to go.

So that was kind of where things stood until this morning.
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  #19  
Old 11-13-2010, 06:20 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default Continued

You may remember that one of the things that we feared might be a barrier to our poly relationship was H's list of sexual activities that he wanted to do in his life before he would agree to the three of us having a relationship. We'd talked about it fairly extensively around late August, but the matter seemed to have dropped. B had agreed to polyfidelity with us, and the three of us got tested and eventually we fluid-bonded, and everything seemed just fine.

And thank goodness for that, because that "list" was a sword over our relationship. My wife has always had a deep-seated fear that she is not enough for her partner, or partners I guess. Because of B's background she was very concerned that B would go looking for someone else. I can't say she felt calm about things after B's declaration of polyfidelity and our agreement to fluid bond, but she was calmer. As for me, I have mentioned here that I was cheated on during my last marriage, and although it's not something I think about often I knew I would be very hurt if it happened again, and I did let B know that. One of the first things she promised me when we started this relationship was that she would not cheat on me.

From the very beginning, we'd agreed that if H did want to go forward with his "list", that all four of us would discuss it before anything happened. My wife pressed B more than once about exactly what might be on the list, and B told her a couple of things, but she never would admit exactly what was there. As I say it was something that was discussed about three months ago but not since. We'd assumed H had just decided that being around us was more valuable than needing to complete the list, which just seemed a little silly to us anyway. And anyway we assumed that if H did want to go ahead with the list, it'd be something that he would do on his own, and although yes that would mean that the three of us would have to go back on being fluid-bonded, at least B would continue to be faithful to us. Foolish us.

Well, this morning B texts us saying she and H are going to two swingers' parties, obviously without us. No explanation was given as to why H wasn't going on his own, other than the inference that H didn't think he could find what he wanted without B being there. And, of course, one would think that if B wanted to honor her polyfidelity to us, she'd put something in the text like "I am not going to be physically involved in anything at these events," but she was silent about that. She claimed that going to these parties would allow H to do something on the list, but again she was silent as to what those things were, whether they involved her and other people or not. Even when we asked her about it, she wouldn't give us an answer.

I am just so fucking mad about it I haven't been able to text her back. The worst thing is that B was texting my wife to say "I'm not even sure what you guys are so upset about," as if it wasn't obvious that she was going back on pretty much every ground rule we'd set for our relationship. She just seemed so oblivious that she'd made this promise to us that we needed for the relationship to go ahead, and that we'd promised her in return, and that she could just break that promise and we'd somehow be...almost glad that she was going to be cheating on us. Like it was the equivalent of winning some prize or something.

So, I feel betrayed, incredibly so. If anything it's worse than when my ex cheated because our marriage was dead anyway, and the cheating only ended it faster. I was still very much in love with B up until this morning...now, well, I don't know how to feel. Maybe stupid that I didn't see this coming. Mostly like I've been punched in the gut. And I'm furious at B that she hurt my wife. And that she broke her promise not to break my heart...or my wife's heart.

I suppose if there's a silver lining to this it's that I knew this was going to end somehow with my wife's concerns, but I feared that she would always think no matter what happened it would be her fault. Well this is manifestly not her fault, and we both know that.

I guess I'll let you know how this all ends.
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  #20  
Old 11-15-2010, 10:30 PM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Default

So now my wife and I are meeting B tonight, probably for the last time. There are other issues that have come up over and above H's list. Mainly the fact that H wants sex from my wife but with none of the emotional entanglements, and my wife is very resentful that she has to "take one for the team" as she puts it. That, and that she does not have the relationship with B that she wants. She blames me for part of that, and I accept my failings. But for the most part she blames herself for not accepting B's advances, then being upset when B stopped advancing. Of course I'm summarizing but soon I will be able to speak more. But I am not confident anything will be resolved, based on B and H's reaction to her concerns, which they have waved away in the past, which made my wife even more upset.

I made a goodbye tape to B today. It was a very sad thing to do. I have never broken up with anybody in my life, and I didn't want things to end this way at all. There were so many things that I wanted to do along with B, and my wife wanted to do with B, and that the three of us wanted to do together. It's sad to think that none of those things will happen now. And what happens to us now?
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