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  #151  
Old 01-17-2014, 01:13 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Unhappy And thereís the other shoe!

WellÖfuck!

I am aware that I donít update this nearly as often as I should. Thereís about 2 or 3 sub-stories that could be told over the last several months, but instead thereís going to be a gross oversimplification of the smooth parts, with a headlong dashing of grey matter against the rough mountain sized molehill that seems to have snuck up on me...in that sneaky way that a bulldozer is capable of.


In the couple months after the last post, I had started to relax, and become more comfortable with the new status quo. It was apparent that my wife wasnít going anywhere, so I had allowed blood to return to my knuckles and returned to mostly familiar patterns. I recently went on a business trip as well, which turned out very well for me while I was away. The processing that went on at home before during and after was almost painless this time around. Things had apparently come a long way since the last time I visited that particular town.

And then things rattled apart again, but with unexpected consequences. Time with her bf has unexpectedly come to a long pause for other reasons that I donít need to go into here. So I was standing by to assist with the fallout, and support her as best I could...and instead I found out that she not only didnít need my support (fair enough), but didnít want it, or me, ...at all. At least it appears, not as I am now.


Weíve always been quite dedicated to each other, and one key element of our style together that Iíve noted differs from other people Iíve known, is that we never talk about splitting up as a solution to our problems. Itís never a suggestion even in the heat of the moment. Any solution brought up during the worst knock down drag out conflict always is based on the premise that we are together on the other side of it. Now this didnít change in our latest round of discussions, but as my wife came out of her processing period recently and was finally able to tell me that her massive upset in the wake of her current breakup wasnít the bf, it was me. It wasnít from anger, or an ultimatum, but the discussion did shape a course around to the direction of meta-type discussions of what if, and divorce came up in the process as a possible long term result. Weíve joked about divorce before, between us, as something all the cool kids were doing when we moved cities a decade ago. But this is the first time that the spectre of a breaking point seemed like a very real possibility.


It was like a sucker punch to the gut, and now for the first time I feel like Iím on really unsteady ground in our marriage. That perhaps my Mom could be right. That I have unintentionally engineered my own destruction by getting exactly what I wanted... possibly with the additional bonus of what I deserved. Chain me gently with a fuck-saw.


Iíve had a long standing tendency towards self-deprecating humour, for as long as I can remember. Iím sure this would come as a massive shock to anyone familiar with this blog, or me. My wife always knew this about me, and tolerated it for the most part, I was fully aware it wasnít her favorite trait of mine. The problem with self-deprecation is that carry it on too long, or too effectively, and perhaps youíll convince others that youíre right...or at the very least, drive them to be too fatigued to argue anymore.

Iíve posted before with regards to my wife, and exactly what kind of excellent person she is. It recent months sheís undergone some remarkable changes, some intentional, some as a happy side-effect. Most importantly, her view of herself has finally caught up with her actual awesomeness! This is a truly wonderful moment, as itís not seen nearly often enough in todayís world of media bombardment and constant mixed messaging. But now of course, it makes her far less tolerate of my tendency to bash myself.
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  #152  
Old 01-17-2014, 01:16 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Unhappy Not so much dropped, as kicked up my ***

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
And because I donít want to make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy where I say whatever is needed for her to reject me in a way that would make my worst fears come true.
And this is where being so finely attuned to my partner also seems to have turned around to bite me in the ass. Sourgirl told me many moons ago that eventually Iíd get sick of myself, and it seems to have happened...finally. A lot longer that it should have been...apparently Iím way too tolerant, even for my own good. I reached the tipping point a while before Christmas, after my wifeís latest round of self-improvement. She encouraged me to do the same program and give it a try to find my way out of my funk. I thought about it, but I didnít like the cost, so I was thinking of half-measures and excuses to avoid having to actually drink the Kool-Aid. But in the meantime, I was also drawing myself down, as bad as ever...the kind of behavior she was sick of, I seemed to be doing it more...and somewhat intentionally, although I couldnít explain to myself why?! Could it be the attunment was kicking in? That I was doing exactly what she hated. Subconsciously driving her to leave me as part of me might think I deserved? Or deserved or not, perhaps I thought she needed an excuse to do what she wanted and bail?


Part of me wanted to blame the bf. After all, shouldnít it be his fault that my wife isnít happy with me anymore? I donít want to say that her changes have been caused directly by him, but thereís a strong correlation, since theyíve been doing many of the same activities together. More directly though, he doesnít appear to have these self-deprecating habits. So is it perhaps that my wife is comparing me to him, and is now not satisfied with me, having been with someone who doesnít have these issues? That was a shitty thought of mine wasnít it? Sheís not supposed to compare!
Yeah, that train of thought ran its course for about a day. In reality, I will probably thank him.


Back to the attunment: if I am sick of myself, then of course she will be as well! If Iím picking up on her frustration and subconsciously doing things that add to it, then of course itís going to build up the pressure. And then when the break happened with her bf, and there was no longer a distraction to keep a lid on things, the pressure released, and everything boiled over in decidedly my direction, and rightly so.

Once we were able to sort out the mess a little, we have been able to have some calmish and rational conversations around it. As calm as conversations can be when I start out with ďI feel like aĒ and she finishes with ďpaycheckĒ...thatís attunment for ya. Theyíre still extremely uncomfortable for me, because I feel as though Iím on the spot to make some significant changes to my character to avoid the worst case scenario. And not having an end state, I donít yet have any concrete goals to set for myself to ensure I can fix the problem.

On the upshot, thereís not as much work to do as maybe originally thought. Or maybe itís worse. Too early to tell. I have let myself slide in many ways for several years, and last year I was in neutral for all of it...which surprise surprise, hit me right before xmas. Iím not in fighting trim right now, and havenít for a while, although Iím not in the worst shape Iíve ever been either. The self-deprecation...I donít think is as deeply rooted as I might lead people to believe. Itís not so much a core value as a faÁade. Apparently a bit too convincing. Thatís what I get for too much role-playing I guess.

There is something about me thatís broken. But Iím still trying to decide what. My wife was able to help me identify a nexus point, around 2010, which coincided with a particularly rough period at work. The place I was working at was a truly unpleasant experience, and it seems I may have become a little too bitter, twisted and jaded as a result...with a dash of whiny-bitch thrown in for good measure. It occurs to me that this was also around the time when aspects of my relationship with my gf at the time changed to something that was never fully recovered. Could the same thing happen with my wife? Ack!


To some extent, I really donít have time to care. I feel that I need to do something and quick. Iím supposed to be a man of action after all, so time to man up and take action. A friend of mine suggested a possible issue that could be worked on and suggested a book to assist. I was off the phone for an hour and I headed out to find a copy. Action.

I also went ahead and drank the Koolaid. As I am writing this, Iím in day 5, part of the ďKill All the ThingsĒ phase. Action. Yesterday I could have stabbed the cook with a serving tray with the thin bit until the blood flooooows just for not getting me something out of the sandwich bar. Probably not the best time to be doing blogging and relationship processing, so this entire post can be taken with a grain of salt...or a whole salt lick, horsey style if needs be. But no more half-measures. No more excuses. No more whining...within reason, or unless thereís cheese. My waking moments now are far more occupied now in consciously making the decisions that should take me to a better place, health, wealth and mentally. Changing my focus from the problems, to identifying and implementing solutions. Still tricksie without a roadmap to go by...but the immediate premise is that thereís probably nowhere to go but up.


Thereís a nagging but-face in here though. Once upon a time, the self-deprecation was a part of the guy that my wife dated, and married. Somewhere along the line it changed from a truth-ish thing, to a faÁade, although I donít recon I know when that actually happened (Pre-post marriage, pre-post career change?). Past-me was who she originally fell in love with. What I present at home now, is very different from the person I am at work. Home-me, is an echo of past-me. Work has been a major instrument in my changes over the last 10 years. Work-me doesnít have these kinds of problems. Work-me gets shit done. Action. Work-me, is not always a pleasant individual, and not something Iíve been keen to bring home. Parts of Work-me seem to be what she wants, despite my warnings that thereís other side-effects that come with it. Sheís supported me in me doing my job, but sheís never liked it, or some of the changes in me that she did notice in the past. So now I wonder, if I lift the veil of the self-deprecation, will she actually still be able to love the man Iíve become? Can she actually still love who I really am? Insert appropriate Dorian Gray allusion here.

That more than anything right now, scares the living bejesus out of me...and since I almost threw up when I read her last message to me about this subject on FB. (the letter itself triggered me as eerily similar to something I received from a friend a while back (mentioned a couple posts back) where the friend threw our 20 year friendship under the bus!), I doubt Iíll be getting much sleep tonight.


This is my shit, to own and to deal with. I might have others to thank in terms of kicking my ass into a proper gear to start the actual doing, rather than the sitting, moping, and yapping. Thereís still time, weíre not off the rails yet, but sheís too important to me to let things slide any further. Sheís done the hard thing, being honest with me about some very unpleasant thoughts sheís been having towards me. I must also do the hard things, to make sure they donít persist, to do a make and mend on myself, and hopefully find and shape someone that we can both like hanging around with a bit more.


Also a side note to anyone thinking about sniffing around for opportunities in the wake of this disturbance...itís a little too early for grave dancing, so mind your manners. I donít know how long day 5 will actually last.
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ďPeople who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.Ē - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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  #153  
Old 01-19-2014, 12:25 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Bravery is in the doing.

Your blog, and you, continually inspire me. We all end up in places that we don't belong in at times in life, and having a genuine person in our lives to help us give our heads a shake and wake up from the slumber is an amazing gift. I think you have everything that you need to find YOUR way into your revived self. Keep blogging, Mister.
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  #154  
Old 01-19-2014, 07:05 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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While, I am sure, can not entirely relate to what you are going though...my work-me and my real-me are, in fact, two separate entities as well.

My boys know what I do at work and support me in it (which, I think, is different from your situation), BUT I do try to shield them from it as much as I can. Sometimes, however, it spills over (I am only human after all - to do my job I must sometimes suppress the "feeling" parts of me...which then overflow at home, on occasion.)

Sorry to hear/read of your struggle.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
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Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
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  #155  
Old 01-22-2014, 12:26 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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II, sometimes the toughest thing, is hearing the truth.. you have heard and are actioning them. Thats a great step. ..

Its tough to be two different uses. And it isn't fair to yourself. Maybe try to balance and be.. one of equal value .. either way its for you to figure out. I am not very good at being two people. So... either people accept me, or don't. I am the same person with the same values in both places. Servers me well
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