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  #61  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:39 PM
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sage sage is offline
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You have my sympathies. Did you have libido problems before TP started in her poly relationships?

Why did you give your blessing when you're feeling so bad? Or didn't you realise? I have bad feelings about this. TP has Mr A couldn't she step back from this other relationship while you're so unhappy?
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  #62  
Old 03-25-2011, 05:27 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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You have my sympathies. Did you have libido problems before TP started in her poly relationships?
No it's been an ongoing issue. A steady decline now that I think of it...

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Originally Posted by sage View Post
Why did you give your blessing when you're feeling so bad? Or didn't you realise? I have bad feelings about this. TP has Mr A couldn't she step back from this other relationship while you're so unhappy?
I had thought I'd be fine. I've been through it before, and it has been all right on some aspects: issues with her going out on dates don't bother me. Up to now it's been the one feeling of her attention being divided...it's the reptile brain trying to possess all that's in my domain.

I don't want to have TP step back on my account; I know she would if I asked, and if I had her do that I'd never be okay with her stepping back into it, I'd be keeping the status quo. To move forward I need a push...the libido issue also feeds the reptile brain feelings of inadequacy...she's got to go out because I don't want sex...and I feel horrible because it makes her feel like I dont want her...plus her feeling sometimes runs to being greedy, like you said, she has Mr A why does she want more? And that's not question I've asked nor should she. I will not have her question her needs on my account, I don't need my insecurities dictating someone else's life...

So my issues and insecurities feed her insecurities....but we will work through it, she's understanding and I have clearly established my expectations.
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Last edited by Indigomontoya; 03-25-2011 at 05:32 PM.
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  #63  
Old 03-25-2011, 08:06 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Indigo, I think about the libido thing, what I really want to know is why it's a problem to you.

Is it because of the disconnect between your libido and TP's? Or is it something else?

Having a low libido, in itself, isn't necessarily a problem. It doesn't mean anything about you "not being able to want her" any more than her higher libido makes her sex-crazed.

What often causes problems is the difference between two libidos. And I've known that, and I felt terrible. Just like you I was the partner with a lower libido, and it became lower and lower with time. And I felt terrible that I couldn't provide my partner with what's considered so essential in relationship these days (regular sex). Especially when he didn't have other partners.

In my case, it became worse and worse because I felt worse and worse. My libido is a bit higher now that I've stopped feeling guilty about it, but it's never going to be up the roof. I need to be fine with that.

It's hard to know what's causing you to feel bad. Is it yourself? Is it other people? Is it the comparison to TP, or to other males? Either way, I think I would work on that most of all.

I found that sex became less scary and less daunting when I wasn't expected to provide it. Then it could become something I wanted and enjoyed, and not my duty and responsibility and measure of worth. Most of all, it became much easier when I realised I was only responsible for MY sexual satisfaction, not my partner's.
TP can take care of hers. She has other partners, and I'm sure she knows how to masturbate, too. And with you she can get cuddles as a form of intimacy, I'm sure (unless you are having a problem with these? I'm asking because at some point, I ended up having a problem with even these, because I felt that my partner was resenting me when they didn't lead to sex. So I avoided them altogether, too).

You need to try and let go of your feelings of inadequacy: you're responsible of your own happiness, of your own sexual gratification, of your own everything. Not of hers. You're here to help and support her, but it shouldn't be your burden to match her libido. I'm sure she understands that, but you need to understand it too, not just mentally, but from within. That's own I believe you can get better.

I've been in both positions (of having the higher or the lower libido) and I think that perspective really helped me: when I wanted to have sex and my partner didn't, I realised it really wasn't a big deal at all. That made me relax a lot about the other way around. It always seemed much worse when I was saying "no", like I was denying them some kind of essential right.
But it's really not a big deal. I much prefer being the person being said "no" to than the other way around. Then you just need to know not to insist, and ask if something else (cuddling for instance) would be fine. And sometimes I enjoy the cuddling more than I think I would have enjoyed the sex! As I said, it really helped me not feel guilty (although I'm not completely better about it, at least I get over it much faster).
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  #64  
Old 03-25-2011, 08:20 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
And with you she can get cuddles as a form of intimacy, I'm sure (unless you are having a problem with these? I'm asking because at some point, I ended up having a problem with even these, because I felt that my partner was resenting me when they didn't lead to sex. So I avoided them altogether, too).
Oh, I went throught this when my kids were little. My partner did resent me and when my libido returned, he had stoped touching me. I alway had to initiate things and it felt like an obligitory fuck (to this day, I'm not sure it wasn't). The whole thing snowballed out of control.

All I can say is keep TP in the loop of what is going on and in the mean time, find alternative ways to connect. Hugs!
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  #65  
Old 03-25-2011, 08:27 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Thank you for your kind words, both of you.

Yes, we have been working on having more cuddles, and other intimate touches that have no expectation of sex attached. I really don't mind being "rejected" ... I mean, what's the alternative, have sex with someone who is not into it? That really defeats the purpose of sex as an expression of love! It feels so very wrong to me.

Sweetie, I love you, and you have such courage to post about this. *HUG*
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  #66  
Old 03-26-2011, 05:26 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Tonberry, what an excellent post. In answer to your question, my low libido is not an issue for me, it is what it is; that being said in my mind it is an issue for us.

Your points are entirely valid, it is the disconnect between TP and I that is the real problem. But we are working on a 'barter system' now replacing sex with intimacy: cuddling, foot rubs (TP loves her foot rubs) etc.

Just trying to keep my head around the fact that this is me, until there's a fix (hormone treatment) it's me...and we will make it work but I have to work on what you stated: making sure that I get over the fact theres a difference.
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  #67  
Old 04-04-2011, 07:41 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Well the results are in...literally...and while it's only a small dip, it's still a dip...normal is about an 8 on some scale for testosterone levels, I'm a 6.5...nit quite what I was hoping for....in truth I had hoped it'd be lower and that would account for a lot of the libido issues; but since it's nominally low I guess I've got to put more work in and figure out what's driving it down more...probably what has been said about a guilt spiral making it worse...damn and I thought there would be a magic bullet...oh well, I have to figure out what I need to do since HRT carries some risks...but at least I have a clear course of action even if it's not a total excuse to set me free of guilt...

Im lucky to have the love and support of a good woman and that makes all the difference in the world...
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  #68  
Old 04-04-2011, 09:06 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
Well the results are in...literally...and while it's only a small dip, it's still a dip...normal is about an 8 on some scale for testosterone levels, I'm a 6.5...nit quite what I was hoping for....in truth I had hoped it'd be lower and that would account for a lot of the libido issues; but since it's nominally low I guess I've got to put more work in and figure out what's driving it down more...probably what has been said about a guilt spiral making it worse...damn and I thought there would be a magic bullet...oh well, I have to figure out what I need to do since HRT carries some risks...but at least I have a clear course of action even if it's not a total excuse to set me free of guilt...

Im lucky to have the love and support of a good woman and that makes all the difference in the world...
I am not sure how physical you are. But hard anaerobic exercise is great for your testosterone levels. I am talking on the low rep power lifting side of things. Its also mentally relieving.

In either case, it might help ... then again, I used to power lift, so I am a fan of moving lots of weight.
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  #69  
Old 04-05-2011, 02:44 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Even a small dip can effect your libido! I had test after test run for years and was told over and over again that is wasn't enough to make a difference. A yr ago I changed to birth control that has no estrogen at all, and suddenly, I'm back to normal. I want sex, I'm off my psych meds, migraines are undercontrol. It's been kind of amazing.

So I went back through all my old blood tests and sure enough my estrogen was on the high side of normal and test. on the low side of normal.

The thing is we all different on what 'normal' is. Just as we women differ from how much is 'normal' for us vs you men. Every individual is different as well. That small dip may actualy be enough to make a huge difference. Advocate for yourself. If you really feel it is the hormones, find a dr that will listen. It took me 6 yrs and threatening a lawsuit to get answers, but I got them and as much as it sucked to go that long, I now have the ability to live a fulfiiled sex life.

And BTW it never bothered me either. Karma used to say I was the only woma alive who would rather clean a house than have sex. But I just didn't care. I didn't feel like I was missing anything, because I was so used to not having it.
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  #70  
Old 04-05-2011, 04:33 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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And BTW it never bothered me either. Karma used to say I was the only woma alive who would rather clean a house than have sex. But I just didn't care. I didn't feel like I was missing anything, because I was so used to not having it.
This is quite common in women after having kids. What I also discovered was that the no sex had a serious negative effect on my moods. So it turned into this vicous cycle.

I agree with Mo - fight for yourself.
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