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Old 12-15-2012, 04:13 AM
duckiiee duckiiee is offline
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Unhappy mono dealing with jealousy of husbands NRE

sorry... long back story

I am very new to allowing my husband to participate in a polygamous relationship. We have been married 5 year and have been toying with the idea of him beginning a relationship with another women for about 3 years. He has "dated" a few women and they never seemed to be the right people for him because they wanted sex but no relationship and that is not what my hubby wanted. When he dated these women I was not jealous (mainly i think because I knew it would not work out and there for I had no reason to feel insecure). But recently he became close friends with a women and they decided that they wanted to try to have a relationship and this has left me feeling devastated. I want this to work out for him because I honestly love him and know this is something he wants and will make him happy but the NRE is killing me. I feel so insecure all the time and hurt that he no longer feels that way with me. They are constantly texting each other and it makes it feel like my alone time with him is not really alone time with him or like he feels like I am not as interesting (<<< my insecurity not his words) I knew going in that he was going to have NRE but I was not prepared for how badly it would hurt me and I am not sure how to deal with it. I have been talking to him about it a lot but when I do he feels like I am accusing him of being a horrible inconsiderate person (which I am not, I realize that all my concerns and hurt are coming from my own insecurities) I also have found that I am crying non stop and feeling distant from my husband because I am sick of feeling hurt. I feel like every time I talk to him my emotions and fears start snowballing out control and he gets frustrated saying that I am overwhelming him and making him feel bad but once I start talking I feel I cant stop without bottling up emotions (which i have read you are not suppose to do in poly relationships). I don't know how to tell him just a little about what I am feeling with out revealing the level of my hurt. I know he is trying to be patient with me but I cant expect him to deal with me acting like this forever. I really want to give him this but don't know how to deal with myself. Every time I start releasing he brings up that maybe he should stop his relationship with her but that is not at all what I want! I am trying to do this for him and I WANT to do this for him but I just feel so horrible all the time. I like the girl he is with and think they make a good match and am not feeling hostile against her (we are even trying to be friends). i am only hurt and insecure about the NRE. I also find that I can not stand him touching me after he is physical with her (not just sex physical but if he cuddles her too) or to sit on the couch or go to our bed if she has been there. It has only been a week but I feel I am falling apart and just want to scream and cry all the time. PLEASE HELP!!!! Him stopping the relationship is not an option for me so please only advice on how to handle it.
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  #2  
Old 12-15-2012, 04:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What do you want ? What's your ideal relationship model.

Do you plan on finding partners down the road?


What reading and or research has he done prior to jumping into this. Is he a member here.?
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  #3  
Old 12-15-2012, 05:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Paragraph breaks would help -- just a thought.

I am sorry you hurt.

Since he is willing to end it and not pursue poly relationships at this time, why are you NOT willing to take him up on it? What are you getting out of this continuing?

Quote:
I feel like every time I talk to him my emotions and fears start snowballing out control and he gets frustrated saying that I am overwhelming him and making him feel bad. Once I start talking I feel I cant stop without bottling up emotions (which i have read you are not suppose to do in poly relationships). I don't know how to tell him just a little about what I am feeling with out revealing the level of my hurt.
Why not take the time out to strengthen how you and he communicate with each other and deal with strong emotions? BOTH of you sound like you are emotionally flooding there.

He doesn't have to break up with her, if that is not what is wanted, but you guys could take a time out to focus on THIS issue in THIS relationship.

Does this resonate? Can you as a couple do more page 5 and 6 things?
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Do you have before care and after care things you do before and after his dates? To reassure and reconnect? Is the pace of his other relationship just moving too fast for you to take on board and still feel safe/respected in your relationship with him?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-16-2012 at 02:12 AM.
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  #4  
Old 12-15-2012, 09:22 PM
AJ1 AJ1 is offline
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This is the perfect situation to seek a poly-friendly therapist!!

A therapist will let you brain-dump all your balled up thoughts and feelings, they know what questions to ask you to help *you* be able to start to sort through them, and they repeat back what you said in coherent ways so you can really start to see what is going on in your own head. Right now, it sounds like you have waves and waves of feelings and no one to listen or help you sort through them. Hubby can't - partially because he is too close to the situation, and partially just because of his instinct to try to "quick fix it" rather than just listen to you.

You need someone who can listen to you without judging, who is emotionally mature enough to sympathize and validate while also offering solid advice, and who can be there for you and only you without bringing their own emotional needs into it. That, my friend, is why God invented Therapists You don't have to go forever, just until you work through your feelings and they aren't so overwhelming. Trust me, they are worth every penny, and sometimes insurance will cover it.
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Old 12-16-2012, 12:21 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I feel so insecure all the time and hurt that he no longer feels that way with me.
Are you sure he doesn't feel that, or is just not showing it at the moment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
They are constantly texting each other and it makes it feel like my alone time with him is not really alone time with him or like he feels like I am not as interesting (<<< my insecurity not his words)
That sucks. I was really worried, when I started seeing FBF, because CBF almost always calls me at least once when I'm with him. (note, this is not 'constant' texting or calling, this is ONCE. and I was worried about it)(kinda still do) Anyway, my point is that ME, seeing both of them, I take responsibility for MY behaviour, and I try to make sure that both of them know that they are important to me and loved by me. [I was so tickled the first time FBF called when I was with CBF (but totally freaked out as it was a family dinner) but I took the call. Because I didn't want FBF to think that CBF was 'more important' and that I would blow him off when I always take CBF's calls if I'm with FBF]

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I have been talking to him about it a lot but when I do he feels like I am accusing him of being a horrible inconsiderate person (which I am not, I realize that all my concerns and hurt are coming from my own insecurities)
I'm sorry, but I just find that rude of him. Has he actually said to you that he feels like you're accusing him? Because if you're not actually accusing him, if what you're doing is sharing your feelings, he ought to be able to acknowledge your feelings, and perhaps even comfort you. My men know that I am woman, and often have feelings. They comfort me when I need comforting, whether it's somebody died, or I'm watching sappy television.

Feelings just are, and everyone needs to allow everyone to have them. (I get worked up about this, probably because as a child, everyone denied everyone's feelings. it sucked)

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I also have found that I am crying non stop and feeling distant from my husband because I am sick of feeling hurt. I feel like every time I talk to him my emotions and fears start snowballing out control and he gets frustrated saying that I am overwhelming him and making him feel bad but once I start talking I feel I cant stop without bottling up emotions (which i have read you are not suppose to do in poly relationships). I don't know how to tell him just a little about what I am feeling with out revealing the level of my hurt. I know he is trying to be patient with me but I cant expect him to deal with me acting like this forever.
Do you have anyone else you can talk to about it? Maybe you could start a blog here and let all your feelings and words fly out of your fingers? Also therapy is a great idea. If you have a local poly group (or even if you don't) maybe you can find a friend to share feelings with.

Try not to tell yourself stories about 'forever' and remember to breathe in this moment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
Every time I start releasing he brings up that maybe he should stop his relationship with her but that is not at all what I want!
That's really shitty of him, as far as I'm concerned. I know he probably thinks that saying that is offering to fix it for you. I'm guessing that's why he says that. I'm hoping that's why. Because if that's not why, it's just a threat to make you feel bad because you're not getting with the program. So if you can't get with the program, you'll be denying him what he wants, while he gets to be the good guy because he sacrificed for you. All so he doesn't have to tolerate your emotions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I also find that I can not stand him touching me after he is physical with her (not just sex physical but if he cuddles her too) or to sit on the couch or go to our bed if she has been there.
I can totally understand that. I'm sorry, but I find it completely insensitive of him that he would expect you to watch him cuddle her and then expect that you would be perfectly fine going to bed with him. Come on. There are people who have been poly for years and don't do that. There are people who do too. But you're brand new to this. It's only been a few weeks? This man needs to give you a break. Maybe you can put some distance between you and her for a bit. Just until you get used to it.

For some perspective, the three of us (CBF, FBF, and me) have been friends for eight years before we started this vee. That's a long time to adjust. And since I've been 'dating'(having sex with? that's really what changed) with both of them, the three of us have not been in the same room together. They're still adjusting. and they already know and love each other. We're all adjusting.

Give yourself a break. Tell him to give you a break. You can like her, and you can be happy for him, and you don't have to all be in the same room together. It doesn't all have to get better right this minute. Breathe. Make a list of wonderful things you can do for yourself, and do them. Every day. Give him a list of wonderful things he can do for you, and let him do them.

Breathe, that's the most important part.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #6  
Old 12-16-2012, 05:13 PM
duckiiee duckiiee is offline
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first of all thank you everyone for the wonderful advice!

Dinged Heart: I want this for him because I recognized his poly personalty pretty early on in the relationship and I do not want to hold back his nature just because I am mono in nature. I recognize there is a huge difference in what we need to make us feel satisfied and I am willing to work through what I need to in order to give him what he needs in life.
My ideal model is him having an equal partnership with both me and (lets call her J). I would like her to be close friends with me and hubbies children for the sake of the kids and family life we have established (plus J is a super sweet and loving girl and I like her). I just am having a hard time getting to feel secure enough with myself to allow another women to have him half the time (catch 22)
He is not part of this site but he was the one who found it and showed it to me to help me get through my (lets call it) emotional slump. Already I have begun to feel better simply from reading stories and advice from other people.

Gala Girl: sorry about the improper paragraph structure but I was not as concerned about that as just getting it out . now that it is I will try to be more structured.
I know he does not want to give this up (he's told me so) and I respect that greatly. He is offering because he thinks it will make me feel better and he is sick of seeing me hurting. I don't want to allow me to be the reason that this fails and he is unable to express his nature and needs. I am willing to sort through this if this is what he wants and I need him to know that. Also i feel at this point the can of worms is open and if I don't deal with the emotions and insecurities they won't go away even if he stops his relationship. So why not continue?
I have done a lot of research and I know now that I needed to make boundaries and that was part of the problem. I was expecting him to know what I needed and when I needed it instead of telling him what I needed. I also think that it was moving to fast for me to feel secure and told him so.

November Rain: my goodness... i don't know how to start but thank you so much for your thuro and thought felt response.
I know that he is as new to this as me and has a hard time expressing his feelings to me. I also know he is a wonderful guy and is not doing any of this to hurt me or make me feel guilty. He has told me that I am more important than him doing this but I also know this would make him feel fulfilled and happy and if it is my power to give it to him, I truly want to. From what I understand this is a hard road to take and I accept that and am not willing to give up.
I know that my insecurity and fear as led me to assume a ton of things he is feeling with out necessarily listening to what he is saying. I know that the listening issue has not been one sided and I am trying to realize that (consciously while talking to him) and listen to what he is truly saying not what I am interpreting from what he is saying (if that makes sense)
I think he gets frustrated with me being hurt because he can't fix it. He can only help me to fix it myself. HE wants to be the one to do it though and does not understand why he can't.
I have worked through some of the touching issues that I was having by reminding my self every time that he is touching ME not her. I am not sure why that is helping but I know that I was feeling insecure that when he was touching me he was thinking of her (not because he said it or behaved in a manner to make me believe it).
I am doing a lot better after realizing that it is my negative attitude that is making me feel like this not anything that either of them are doing and setting some boundaries so that I don't have to tackle all my hurt at once but gradually until its gone (or as gone as it will ever get)

Again thank you so much for helping me out and for this site. I could not imagine going through this with out support and help
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Old 12-17-2012, 04:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I don't want to allow me to be the reason that this fails and he is unable to express his nature and needs.
Hon, I'm poly. I'm Closed right now. I can express my "poly nature" all I want to my spouse. I talk to him, share my thoughts and feelings about it.

A person can be poly and SINGLE. A person can be poly and in a Closed marriage/relationship. Polyamorous just means the capacity to love more than one at a time. It doesn't mean actively being in relationship with more than one at a time. Sometimes none or one is what is wanted!

Sometimes one is not dating because one is not able to offer oneself as the best dating partner one could be.

I am not arguing the WHAT here – that he is poly. I am pointing out the method --- the HOW you guys are going about it seems needlessly rough on both of you! And the timing – the WHEN – seems kinda "rushing in" underprepared. What's the big hurry?

How is your DH offering himself as the best dating partner he could be when he is not a good communicator, doesn't know what he's after in polyship, and has a wife who is insecure and struggling with communication herself? And what she brings to the table as a metamour to his potential future dating partner?

Quote:
Also i feel at this point the can of worms is open and if I don't deal with the emotions and insecurities they won't go away even if he stops his relationship. So why not continue?
Correct. But that's two separate things there and I'm not sure you see that:

1) Your insecure.
2) Your and his ability to be in healthy polyship because you guys do not have the skills are not well prepared and sound like you bit off more than you could chew.
3)Your unwillingness to take him up on his offer to break it off with her and pay attention to the marriage needs.

If you get in over your head at the pool and someone is willing to throw you a life preserver, do you ignore it because "you are in the pool already anyway?"

Maybe it means using it to get out now so you live to swim again in future!

Perhaps taking him up on his offer to Close back down to create the time/space to grow the communication and poly skills needed will help you in the other bucket – in becoming more confident and less insecure. Then when you are both ready to Re-Open the Marriage, it's a smoother ride because you have improved your knoweldge and skills?

Nobody says you can't do this in STAGES so that you both can grow secure and confident in navigating this. There's nothing wrong with taking this in stages to avoiding potential pitfalls.

Make a plan that is more workable rather than "just jump in cold!" Maybe something like...

Step 1: You Close back up, do more work on your weak communication skills and strengthen the marriage. You cannot expect to be good at communicating with a third person if you have these communication problems in the duo:
  • I feel like every time I talk to him my emotions and fears start snowballing out control.
  • Once I start talking I feel I cant stop without bottling up emotions
  • I was expecting him to know what I needed and when I needed it instead of telling him what I needed. I also think that it was moving to fast for me to feel secure and told him so.
  • My insecurity and fear as led me to assume a ton of things he is feeling with out necessarily listening to what he is saying.
  • He has a hard time expressing his feelings to me.
  • He gets frustrated saying that I am overwhelming him and making him feel bad.
  • He gets frustrated with me being hurt because he can't fix it. He can only help me to fix it myself. HE wants to be the one to do it though and does not understand why he can't.

Step 2: You read resources together. You clarify what open model relationship you are after. You have made a plan for the potential pitfalls already. (see link above)


http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/poly_complex.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/


Step 3: Then when ready You Re-Open again. He dates, not RUSHING into sex or anything, but just dating. Give people time to get to know each other and see if the dating partner is after the same things in polyship as him and can be at the very least a polite meta to you even if not friends. Evaluate how it is going and adjust wants, needs, and limits accordingly without pressure. Keep the expectations reasonable and realistic of yourselves and each other.

I am just concerned you guys are going at it like some out of control train like this!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-17-2012 at 05:02 PM.
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  #8  
Old 12-19-2012, 08:31 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
first of all thank you everyone for the wonderful advice!
I'm glad you feel helped.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
He is offering because he thinks it will make me feel better and he is sick of seeing me hurting.
Isn't he generous, to offer. (sorry, it ticks me off) He needs to a) comfort you, and b) tolerate your emotions

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I don't want to allow me to be the reason that this fails and he is unable to express his nature and needs.
Maybe you guys need to have more discussion and talk about what is and is not failure. Maybe your definition needs expanding. It's my understanding that often lovers come and go, if he and she end up not in relationship, that doesn't have to mean that 'poly' is a fail for you two/three. It could be that it's not a match, for any number of reasons.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I have done a lot of research and I know now that I needed to make boundaries and that was part of the problem. I was expecting him to know what I needed and when I needed it instead of telling him what I needed. I also think that it was moving to fast for me to feel secure and told him so.
That's an excellent thing to know!

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
November Rain: my goodness... i don't know how to start but thank you so much for your thuro and thought felt response.
I know that he is as new to this as me and has a hard time expressing his feelings to me. I also know he is a wonderful guy and is not doing any of this to hurt me or make me feel guilty.
It's not my intention to trip over the cat, but if I do, the cat (and I) get hurt just the same. My mother's therapist used to tell her, often, that good intentions and two quarters will get you a cup of coffee out of a machine.

My mother would wail at her therapist, 'but he loves me!' and her therapist would say, 'well, so can a goldfish, but what does that do for you?'

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
He has told me that I am more important than him doing this but I also know this would make him feel fulfilled and happy and if it is my power to give it to him, I truly want to. From what I understand this is a hard road to take and I accept that and am not willing to give up.
I admire that in you. It's good that you know what you want to give, and what you're prepared to do to give it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I know that my insecurity and fear as led me to assume a ton of things he is feeling with out necessarily listening to what he is saying. I know that the listening issue has not been one sided and I am trying to realize that (consciously while talking to him) and listen to what he is truly saying not what I am interpreting from what he is saying (if that makes sense)
Makes a lot of sense to me, good on ya!

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I think he gets frustrated with me being hurt because he can't fix it. He can only help me to fix it myself. HE wants to be the one to do it though and does not understand why he can't.
That's where he needs to grow and expand. He needs to allow you your hurt. He needs to be okay with he can't fix it, or if he's not okay with it, he still needs to make space for you to do that ~ he needs to handle his not-okayness, and not make it your problem in addition to what's already on your plate.
Although, in my not-so-humble opinion, he does need to step up and realize that his very being upset at not fixing it, IS hurtful to you, and he needs to stop making that your problem. Really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I have worked through some of the touching issues that I was having by reminding my self every time that he is touching ME not her. I am not sure why that is helping but I know that I was feeling insecure that when he was touching me he was thinking of her (not because he said it or behaved in a manner to make me believe it).
I'm so glad you found a way to help yourself through that! That is a great reminder.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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