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  #1  
Old 12-08-2015, 02:08 AM
poly518 poly518 is offline
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Default Does polyamory work for men?

Just curious if other men out there have had any luck or stuck in a rut like myself. I've been looking for over a year now and still have no one to talk to or hang out with. The wife, on the other hand, has hundreds of men and women to pick from. I could see if there was something wrong with me but I am attractive, mid 30's, nice body, intelligent, have a professional career, good hygiene, funny, and have lots to talk about. (not trying to brag, just providing background information).

What about you other men? Any better experience than me? Where do you find woman? I've been looking mostly online on various websites. Any tips? Should I just give up since this isn't any fun?
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  #2  
Old 12-08-2015, 02:56 AM
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Every few months someone comes here with the same question. Usually men but sometimes women.

Seems men often have trouble finding women who don't think they're just players, and women have trouble finding men who, well, aren't just players...

But yes, they exist, and seem to be in pretty equal proportion in the lifestyle.
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Old 12-08-2015, 03:12 AM
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My husband also had zero luck online. He gave up on it pretty quickly. Finding women in "real life" is much less frustrating for him. One of the ladies in his life right now is a woman he's been friends with for 20+ years, the other is a former co-worker.

Is meeting women off-line something you've tried? Poly-friendly meet-ups, activity groups, friends of friends?

The only guy I know who's had success online is my boyfriend... And no I don't just mean that he met me He was online for maybe two years before we started dating, and he met half a dozen great women in that time. I'll ask him if he'll share his secrets
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:31 AM
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It works for me. It worked much better once I started looking in the right places. OKC worked well, though that well may have dried up. FL is working well for me now. I also just joined a local poly group that has tons of events. Should be interesting.
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:50 AM
playfulgirl playfulgirl is offline
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Real doesn't have any problems. His approach is very relational though. He'd rather go months with out dating than do the casual sex thing. He's very clear about that so he draws like minded people. He also looks more at shared interests as opposed to complementing more superficial stuff. Like if a potential date mentions movie or reading or gaming likes. He asks a specific question about a particular one to get an actual conversation going.
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  #6  
Old 12-08-2015, 09:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poly518 View Post
I've been looking for over a year now and still have no one to talk to or hang out with.
What about your wife? She doesn't talk to you? What about friends you already have in your life? Just because you haven't met another woman for a romantic poly relationship shouldn't mean you don't have anyone to talk to or hang out with. A lot of people have good luck meeting potential lovers through friendships and activities. If you cultivate a healthy social life with varied interests, you'll probably meet someone. If you're looking to meet a woman just because you're wife has another partner, that won't be attractive to very many women out there. It isn't a competition, you know? Be well-rounded and engaged in life and you will draw people to you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-08-2015 at 11:29 AM.
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Old 12-08-2015, 10:03 AM
tenK tenK is offline
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Clearly it does work well for some men; after all, who are these male-bodied people all these poly women are dating? I know people say it's harder for married men, but honestly I don't see why that should inevitably be the case. I know first hand that not every woman is looking for a life-partnership or is threatened by a pre-existing marriage type relationship. I tend to only date men who are already partnered - as demonstrable evidence of the ability to maintain a long-term relationship is a bonus in my eyes, and I already have my own commitments to the other people in my life.

The only thing I can think of is that you are looking to date single monogamous women, because there I do think there is some kind of gender difference. Men, on average, tend to be open to open relationships even if they are coming from a starting point of monogamy far more often than women are. My advice to you would be to focus only on women already in open relationships, or else as others have suggested, just focus on developing genuine friendships with women. There is very little chance that a random girl in a bar/club/online dating site is going to consider poly a fantastic opportunity when presented from a stranger. Yet someone who knows you and likes you and trusts you (and maybe knows your wife and sees how things work well between you both) might be more open to something developing. Successful poly men I know do tend to have a lot of platonic friendships with women, tend to have good social and dating skills, practise everyday feminism, and have interesting hobbies and things going on outside their life other than work or family.

I think for many people who have been married or partnered a long time, it can be easy to drop all your individual passions by the wayside as you get stuck into a routine of career-progression/parenting/cohabitation. Think back to the kind of guy you were when you met your current partner. What did you have going on in your life? What were the interesting things you were doing, or hoping to do? I think rediscovering that part of you would, at the very least, give you something fun to concentrate on while your wife is dating others, but also help to energise you and make you more attractive to prospective partners. My rule of thumb for dating: you should always be putting more energy into your own self than into your quest to find others to share yourself with. If you are offering yourself as a gift to others, make sure it's the best gift it can be.
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People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK (on hiatus at the moment); Zymurgist (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, late 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina;

Adam (bi, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with Nina
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  #8  
Old 12-08-2015, 11:41 AM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
OKC worked well, though that well may have dried up.
OKC is a great resource for poly people with fresh members every day. Highly recommended! Just be sure that your profile is attractive in every way and if that means you're trying to attract women, have a friendly, not-short written section and have photos that say "friendly" in a big way. No bathroom shirtless selfies! Yes, women want to see the goods, but most would rather find out in person and the bathroom selfies scream "lookin for sex."

Like tenK, when I was on OKC I looked specifically for men who were long term partnered. This shows a certain ability to maintain relationships, which is highly desirable to most women. There are quite a few women here on this forum with OKC experience and some men have shown us their profiles for advice and critique. We're a treasure trove of help if you're serious about online dating. We'd point things out to you and suggest changes that will make a world of difference in how you're presenting yourself. So many men (and women) think of themselves as wonderful in every way, yet are surprised to learn that how they are coming off in their dating profile is not how they intend. Use your resources!
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 12-08-2015 at 11:43 AM.
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  #9  
Old 12-08-2015, 04:21 PM
ambivulous ambivulous is offline
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I've had some luck online (OKC), but it's not easy. One of the women I had a date with lamented she found lots of guys, but not so many who were actually poly (most just looking for sex), so it does work both ways. OKC is good because you can be clear about your marital/monogamy status, and most poly people add more details about what they're looking for; plus, they are in a relationship or value multiple relationships, which is a totally different mindset than looking for a monogamous relationship. Though even those poly people (my current GF and I both) struggle to accept the poly lifestyle because a monogamous one is so dominant and has some nice attributes to it.

I love all the other comments in this thread for both men and women. TenK sums it up well:

"Successful poly men I know do tend to have a lot of platonic friendships with women, tend to have good social and dating skills, practice everyday feminism, and have interesting hobbies and things going on outside their life other than work or family. "

I know my GF really appreciates that I have other friends (men and women) to rely on to talk about relationships and other things happening in my life. Without that the primary (or secondary) love relationship suffers from a bit from having to carry more of the relationship musing burden (and there's a lot of that in poly relationships, as we all know).
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Old 12-08-2015, 05:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If you're looking to meet a woman just because you're wife has another partner, that won't be attractive to very many women out there.
This.

If you're lonely, look for friendship, male or female. That's how you fill the void of needing someone to talk to and hang with. Join meetups for some of your interests, as many as you can find in your area. Fill your time with hobbies and no-expectation social engagements.

People can smell desperation and it stinks. I have never ever found romance while I was specifically looking for it. It was always when I was busy with my life, doing my own thing, that romance just magically fell in my lap. It's the same with virtually everyone I know who's in a happy relationship.

Nobody wants to be used to fill a void. They want relationships with people who are already happy, healthy, and whole. If you focus on that -- sincerely and not just a means to an end -- you'll genuinely stop caring if you meet someone, because you're happy in and of yourself. Only then do you have a chance of meeting someone worthwhile, but then it's just icing on the cake.
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