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  #1  
Old 01-29-2013, 12:08 AM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Default Double standard, revisited...

Does anybody else have difficulty with double standards?

Being the way I am...I don't understand why I have trouble feeling comfortable/totally accepting if my significant others are the same way I am...

I think I'm having hypothetical double standard issues.
Im trying to place myself in my significant others reference frame to imagine how I would feel if our situations were reversed. I know they may see and feel things differently than I do. But if I was in their shoes, not their heads, I would feel uneasy I think.
I don't understand why.

I'm trying to put myself in that perspective so when it happens, I'll be prepared and be able to rationalize things.
Im evolving, but I need to be cognizant to walk upright so my knuckles don't drag on the ground.... If I think about it and rationalize, primitive reactions can be held at bay.
I think it boils down to being perplexed as to understanding myself.
How I can care for more than one and have each one be so wonderfully meaningful and not take anything away from the others, yet question that same concept with these people I care so much about?

Being comfortable and feeling fulfilled myself, and really care and be committed to those relationships. I feel these relationships compliment each other and actually contribute to making their 'counterpart' relationships even stronger.
I feel cared for and wanted by each in their own way, and they don't take anything away from what the others offer,and I value each one.
I truly feel this, but I personally seem to be missing the part that can truly accept returning that logic.
Thus the double standard...Its not fair to the wonderful people in my life, and it really bothers me. I'm getting better, but any thoughts would be appreciated. I've talked about this before here,and through your help and Rubyslippers and Smowbunting's patient love, I've come a long way, but does anyone else feel Like this?

Me-51yr old somewhat bi male so incredibly fortunate to have wonderful people in my life:Ruby Slippers~My Rock. Snowbunting~ (f)several years younger but infinitely 'older' in wisdom & evolution and dear intimate close friend regardless of the miles between us. T(m)&J(f)~ married couple/playmates for 9 years who I see together & developing an (encouraged [by T] ) independent relationship with J.
Baby (bi f) ~way younger... co-worker, angel/devil, full of life & a bit reckless... All while being so very thoughtful and determinedly goal oriented. Admittedly there is some NRE going on here, and I'm enjoying every second....
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  #2  
Old 01-29-2013, 12:56 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am having trouble understanding...

Quote:
How I can care for more than one and have each one be so wonderfully meaningful and not take anything away from the others, yet question that same concept with these people I care so much about?
Does that mean that in your polyship arrangements, there is the standard of reciprocity? That in this polyship, all the people are free to date others? And at this time, you are the Shared Sweetie person. And you are good with that part of it. But you are not sure you are ready to be a metamour to whoever your polyship people date? If that is the case, there is no double standard. The standard is the expectation of reciprocity. It applies to all.

That you are ready for one leg of it (being the shared sweetie yourself), and not the other (sharing your sweetie with another) -- that's personal readiness in two different areas. Could this help? esp the page 5 and page 6 things?

Unless you mean that in your polyship there are two standards at play:

1) YOU get to have 2 sweeties or more.
2) Your sweeties do NOT get to date others... just you.

Then it would be a double standard. But assuming they have voluntarily signed up to be here in polyship with you, they know that's what they have signed up for here. So presumably they are good with it. Are people in your polyship unhappy with the agreements? What are the agreements they are not happy with? Did they not know what they signed up for here?

In general, I would have a hard time with double standards. I would want to know what I'm getting into and signing up for before agreeing to be there in polyship. But feeling ok being shared and needing time to be ok sharing -- I totally could see that. It's two different areas of relating.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-29-2013 at 01:06 AM.
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  #3  
Old 01-29-2013, 02:39 AM
islandgy9 islandgy9 is offline
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Hi Gala Girl*
Im working off an iPhone and I don't think I can highlight specific sentences/questions to answer...Hopefully your quoted questions followed by my attempts to answer will make sense. I'll try to clarify:
"Does that mean that in your polyship arrangements, there is the standard of reciprocity? That in this polyship, all the people are free to date others?" *Answer~Absolutely the people in my life are free to date, and love whoever they want. *However I am protective and would say something if I thought a metamore was not treating my intimate well.

"And at this time, you are the Shared Sweetie person. And you are good with that part of it. But you are not sure you are ready to be a metamour to whoever your polyship people date? If that is the case, there is no double standard. The standard is the expectation of reciprocity. It applies to all." Answer~I suppose I am the shared 'sweetie person' and I am good with that. However if my intimates want to have others in there lives they know they are completely free to do that. *I want them to be happy, and if that entails having other relationships I would never stand in the way. The problem is I would be... fearful... that I would loose them to another. *I may be concerned about loosing the joy they bring to me, but I would not stand in their way.

"That you are ready for one leg of it (being the shared sweetie yourself), and not the other (sharing your sweetie with another) -- that's personal readiness in two different areas. Could this help? esp the page 5 and page 6 things?" Answer~ I have shared my intimates with others and have evolved from a being physically sick at the thought of them being with another, *to helping one of them with transportation so she could spend time with one of her new friends, I've also bowed out in the middle of a date so that she could help her good friend (sometimes lover) when he was going through a difficult time. *I also am encouraging a long distance intimate to partake in poly meet-n-greets and hopefully a lucky guy will catch her eye. Despite me wanting her to be gloriously happy I'm concerned I will loose her to another, but I would not stand in her way.

"Unless you mean that in your polyship there are two standards at play:
1) YOU get to have 2 sweeties or more.
2) Your sweeties do NOT get to date others... just you." Answer~ I would not want to deprive them of happiness. *They absolutely can date others, I just get stomach 'flip-flops'... As my Rock refers to them when I talk to her about it. *

Hopefully that clarifies things....*
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Old 01-29-2013, 03:07 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I guess I was confused by "double standard" because there doesn't seem to be one here in the polyship.

I am not sure but it seems to be something like...
a) I have a fear of losing my shared sweetie to another / or being abandoned / or an ugly break up thing. (Or something in that general bucket anyway. Could you elaborate on what it could be?)

b) My sweeties don't seem to have this problem. That makes me feel... (what?)
It seems to be about knowing yourself and being able to articulate what you feel about what you find inside there. So you can then move past "ID" and toward "figure out what to do next to resolve it."

Not that the polyship is operating under a double standard conflict thing. But that YOU are at inner conflict about wanting to be generous with your Sweeties should they want OSO's... and dealing with your fears.

Are those the two things that are "bumping heads" inside there causing you discomfort?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-29-2013 at 03:24 AM.
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