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Old 12-17-2012, 05:04 AM
DistantWindows DistantWindows is offline
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Default Intro and My Situation

Hello everyone - I am a guy in his early 30's... completely new to the forums and to the ins and outs of the world of polyamory. My reasons for joining the forums are two-fold - first of all, like many of you I have gone through most of my life surrounded by people and a culture that believes largely that romantic love should be shared between you and just one other person, and that if you have feelings for someone outside your relationship you are supposed to stifle this energy and beat yourself up for your transgressions.

This has never made much sense to me, and has always felt a bit unnatural. Why do so many people cheat on their significant others? Why is it possible for people to love (genuinely) more than one person at the same time? In an general sense I don't think that ignoring your feelings like this is really healthy, and I have NEVER felt that love is finite.

The second reason I joined is because I am in a loving, monogamous relationship with a girl that is pretty much perfect for me in every sense of the word. We are very happy together. We have a very non-jealous relationship and are completely open to allowing the other to go out, make connections, explore the world. We love doing these things together, but neither of us is possessive in the slightest. I don't even know what jealousy feels like, and I would HATE the thought that my lifestyle choices or desires would somehow impede on hers. I wouldn't dream of not allowing her to pursue an activity or interest even if it felt like it would somehow "threaten" our relationship because I believe that you love someone for who they are and encourage them to grow.

There is one catch to our relationship. In the last 5 or 6 months I have developed serious feelings for another girl, a good friend of ours, and I think she has at least had some feelings for me too (more in the past).

My girlfriend knows about my feelings, as I have been honest with her. On top of this, she is understanding of it and would only be "worried" if it would somehow break us up, as she is happy with our relationship. The thing is, I am also so happy in my relationship that I'd never seriously pursue something with this other girl. But I feel very strongly about her, have tried for months to get her out of my head and heart, but due to the nature of our friendship it is very difficult to disconnect from her entirely. Her life is very interwoven with mine (shared activities and responsibilities), and we have a lot of mutual friends.

Long story short, I am not exactly sure how to handle this. My girlfriend doesn't want to be in a poly relationship and this other girl would NEVER go for it. So I know there is no real way forward with her and I just need to get over her somehow, which is proving to be very difficult as I see her fairly often.

But this has made me think: could this happen again? I am a very picky person, and have only felt very strongly about perhaps 3 or 4 people in my life. How do I handle this kind of thing moving forward? How to I get over someone in this kind of situation? It is really complex - if anything I think my girlfriend might be open to helping me out! She really is amazing.

Anyway, that is my story - I'm sure I'll be posting here more often!
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:51 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Hello and Welcome to the forum!

I don't have any great wisdom to impart, but this line:

Quote:
Originally Posted by DistantWindows View Post
I am a very picky person, and have only felt very strongly about perhaps 3 or 4 people in my life.
- really resonated with me.

I wasn't looking for a relationship when I fell into one with MrS (I was, in fact, actively trying to avoid them - having never been in one before). Nineteen years later it happened again...with Dude.

Since I am currently in a relationship with every (all both) person(s) I have "felt strongly" about, I am, obviously, not one to advise you how to "get over" someone. I think the general advice you might get here will be along the lines of "Enjoy your feelings for her, share them with your girlfriend if that is good for both of you...BUT, since the other girl would 'NEVER' go for a polyship, she is not a potential...if you care for her then don't pursue her romantically if you can't offer her what would make her happiest (i.e. NOT poly)"

With all of the people in the would it seems ridiculous to me that there can be "only one" (or two or four ) with which you could potentially feel strongly for. Could you meet one of the the "other ones" again? Sure. Maybe next week...maybe 19 years from now.

Sounds like you have a good thing going with your girlfriend...continue to explore that, share your feelings, communicate...and maybe the next time someone comes along she (the other someone) will be someone who could actually be a poly-partner and you and your girlfriend will have done the work to know whether that is something that is right for you.

JaneQ

PS. It constantly amazes me that the two people that I have been unable to avoid having "strong feelings" for also happen to be two people who are able to be in a polyship with me (and each other). Don't quite know how I managed that exactly...
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 12-19-2012 at 02:52 AM. Reason: More commas!
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Old 12-19-2012, 08:25 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post

PS. It constantly amazes me that the two people that I have been unable to avoid having "strong feelings" for also happen to be two people who are able to be in a polyship with me (and each other). Don't quite know how I managed that exactly...
It's the same for Ginko. When she came across the term demisexual it fit fairly well, meeting two people that really interest her in the last ~5 years, marrying one (me) and dating the other for 1.5 years so far.

As for loving people without dating them, I've experienced that with a few friends. In the past it was difficult as typically when I have such strong emotions I'd like there to be a physical component, but lately I've been finding that as long as I can be with Ginko regularly and am exercising enough to not have too much excess physical energy, I can simply enjoy the process of getting to know my friends and not feel such a need to date them. When Ginko and I aren't able to have much time alone together it gets more difficult, as then i end up feeling a need to be more sexual with others. I would prescribe regular crossfit workouts and sex 1-2 times per day ;-)
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Welcome!


Loving people without dating them? Yup. Had that. Still do.

And mostly it's about changing the record playing in my head. Rather than play "Argh! I cannot have! I am screwed! I have to get them OUT of my head!" type thoughts when around them, I just play the record of "I love being around this person! I could soooo date them! But it is not the right time. So I'll just enjoy them in friendship in the meanwhile!"

Some of my crushes go on for years. And my friends that I crush on don't know it.

There's a time and a place for everything. And everything at the right time and place. If it isn't the time, it isn't the time right now.

What kinds of thoughts do you play to yourself about this crush person? I mean, why the need to "get over her" and be free of your crush feelings? Are you sure it isn't the need to be free of your thoughts? What exactly is it about having the crush that is making you uncomfortable?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-19-2012 at 02:03 PM.
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Old 12-22-2012, 03:33 AM
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Hello Windows,
Welcome to our forum.

Just curious, why did you say this other girl would never go for it? Have you asked her? Sometimes people can surprise you. Also, it is sounding to me like you are envisioning a full-on triad with all three persons romantically involved with each other? If so, consider a V scenario where you have two romantic partners, but those two partners are merely platonic friends with each other. Just putting forth some of the possibilities here.

Alas, if it comes down to just "getting over" this person, I don't think there's any magical formula for doing that. Obviously if you can find distractions, that will help; also focusing on your primary relationship will help. But you can't have regular contact with someone and just wish away your feelings for them. Unless you truly know they're not a possibility? That's why I ask if you're *sure* this other girl wouldn't go for it. Maybe you need to *be* sure. In other words, ask and find out. Sure it is painful to face a rejection, but at the same time that might make a clean emotional break more possible for you.

You don't have to rush into any decisions, so take some time to read various threads on this site, and post your comments/questions. I'm sure you'll find a solution to your dilemma in due time.

Glad you could join us; hope you enjoy your time here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 12-26-2012, 03:38 AM
DistantWindows DistantWindows is offline
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Thanks for the welcome, everyone! Your thoughts and ideas were very helpful, and from reading some of the other posts on this forum I can safely say that I am not alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Since I am currently in a relationship with every (all both) person(s) I have "felt strongly" about, I am, obviously, not one to advise you how to "get over" someone. I think the general advice you might get here will be along the lines of "Enjoy your feelings for her, share them with your girlfriend if that is good for both of you...BUT, since the other girl would 'NEVER' go for a polyship, she is not a potential...if you care for her then don't pursue her romantically if you can't offer her what would make her happiest (i.e. NOT poly)"
This is definitely the truth and something to consider. And given the nature of my feelings I fear that we might not be able to be friends forever anyway, since we can't be more. Every time I am around her for any period of time it affects me too much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What kinds of thoughts do you play to yourself about this crush person? I mean, why the need to "get over her" and be free of your crush feelings? Are you sure it isn't the need to be free of your thoughts? What exactly is it about having the crush that is making you uncomfortable?

Galagirl
Although I am not sure if this was directed at my post I can speak to this concept. There is something fulfilling about just enjoying the feelings and enjoying the excitement and intoxication of being around this girl, in my case. If this doesn't hurt anyone involved and I am enjoying it, on the surface I don't see a problem with it.

I spent a few days with her this summer on an impromptu, unplanned weekend trip with just her (this wasn't something really planned... it just kind of happened due to some crazy circumstances) and while I suspected I had some feelings for her before, since that trip I've never seen her the same way since and my feelings for her reached a different level.

The issue I am having is that I want more and then it isn't so much fun anymore. If it is a crush and I just enjoy the feeling that can be fun, but I fear that I "moved past this stage" awhile back and before I knew it... it was quite strong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Just curious, why did you say this other girl would never go for it? Have you asked her? Sometimes people can surprise you. Also, it is sounding to me like you are envisioning a full-on triad with all three persons romantically involved with each other? If so, consider a V scenario where you have two romantic partners, but those two partners are merely platonic friends with each other. Just putting forth some of the possibilities here.

Alas, if it comes down to just "getting over" this person, I don't think there's any magical formula for doing that. Obviously if you can find distractions, that will help; also focusing on your primary relationship will help. But you can't have regular contact with someone and just wish away your feelings for them. Unless you truly know they're not a possibility?
While I can't be 100% certain she would never go for it, I feel that it is highly unlikely. She is far, far more conservative when it comes to relationships than I am. She is looking for one guy to marry, have a family with etc. I've discussed her ideal relationship with her. In fact, I probably know more about her long-term goals than almost anyone as we have become very close friends.

I've tried different strategies to get over her but if anything it has gotten harder. I do get the feeling that focusing on my girlfriend and putting this energy into our (very good) relationship will help, and that is the key.

In an ideal world, the triad relationship kdt describes probably would be the best scenario, but it would be tough to make it a reality given the above. But I haven't decided if I have ruled it out completely...

Thanks again. I am enjoying this forum so far!
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Old 12-26-2012, 11:12 PM
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With the level of friendship you have with this person, perhaps the general topic of polyamory will come up eventually. I would let that happen as a natural process, no need to force/rush anything. As difficult as it is right now to juggle all the emotions, I suspect it'll get easier in due time.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 12-27-2012, 07:49 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
With the level of friendship you have with this person, perhaps the general topic of polyamory will come up eventually.
Yes, this is a good idea. You could say to her, "Have you heard of polyamory, where people are involved in multiple, ongoing love relationships? I came across some interesting reading on the internet about it. [Girlfriend] and I were talking about it and I find the whole concept of having more than one partner intriguing. It's about emotional involvement, not just sex. What do you think about that?"

If she's totally turned off by it, you know where she stands and it looks like just a philosophical discussion. But if she's uncertain and willing to discuss it, or excited by the idea, there could be some possibility and eventually you might be able to express your attraction to her.
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Old 12-28-2012, 05:43 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
The issue I am having is that I want more and then it isn't so much fun anymore. If it is a crush and I just enjoy the feeling that can be fun, but I fear that I "moved past this stage" awhile back and before I knew it... it was quite strong.
Whether mild like a crush or "stronger" -- it doesn't change the fact that having feelings? Doesn't mean you HAVE to act on them or do anything about it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It's internal weather. Given time, it will blow on through on its own. Honest.

Basically you are here:
  • 1) Your GF doesn't want to date you in a polyship. To be with her, you have to give up the yen to polyship with the other woman.
  • 2) The other woman doesn't want to date you in a polyship. To be with her, you are going to have to break up with current GF.
  • 3) If what you want is to be in polyship, you are going to have to give them BOTH up if the objection is polyamory in general and not the specific polyamory with HER. (Either the GF not wanting to be in polyship with THAT woman or the crush not wanting to be in polyship with THAT girlfriend.)


You say you want to choose getting over the woman. If that is the goal? Then it's behave in ways to support choice 1. That's why I made the other ones grey.

You could choose to change the wanting then. It is not a need. You will not die without the crush woman being in polyship with you. Or being tight buddies with you.

Stop the behaviors that are feeding the "want" --
  • Could stop thought patterns that feed the wanting. Like "Oh, I can't have this! But I want it! Argh!" Why torture yourself with thoughts like that? If you find your thoughts wandering there, think a reply back to yourself. "Stop it. I am committed to my GF. Don't feed the yen."

    I'm not sure how it works with adults but I know with toddler kids they hear the last three or four words in a sentence. So could try making sure the last 3 words in your thought reaffirm what your goal is to yourself rather than ending on what you cannot have. Don't feed the "holding your back" -- feed the "moving it forward" so you meet your goal.
  • If being around her makes you yearn for her -- could lessen the time spent with her or choose to not discuss emotionally intimate topics with her.
  • You propose spending more time with GF instead. You could try that for a time too.
  • Could try something else I can't think of right now. Maybe others can suggest.

But this belief that if you happen to feel something, you MUST do something about it or you must perish with unfillment -- could consider changing the core belief.

The core belief that you are the EFFECT of your circumstances or feelings. Like a leaf blown hither and yon in the wind. Could consider the core belief that you are the CAUSE of your circumstances and actions. You are the pilot of your own ship, you pick and forge your path. Maybe that change in POV could help?

I hope you feel better however it turns out. I know it's hard to process and work through. Hang in there. But seriously -- the mere passing of time will help lessen it to a more bearable volume or erase it altogether if you aren't behaving in ways to keep feeding it.

Good luck!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-28-2012 at 05:49 AM.
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Old 12-29-2012, 09:54 PM
DistantWindows DistantWindows is offline
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It is possible that the subject of poly might come up at some point between us. I'd probably handle it carefully if/when it does, but because my girlfriend isn't into the idea it doesn't really matter much at this point in terms of having an actual polyship with both.

I am playing around with the idea of telling myself that "right now isn't the time" and trying to just enjoy the times I have around his girl. After all, who knows what the future might bring? That's the beautify of life - that it is unpredictable that stranger things have happened. I don't believe in karma/fate etc. but I don't think what is happening to me is an "accident" if that makes sense. Whatever does happen I need to learn something from it.

I'm going to be spending significant time with this girl next week (like five straight days) so that might propel this story forward. It feels like the subject of us is fairly likely to come up. I'm a bit nervous, but I can handle it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Whether mild like a crush or "stronger" -- it doesn't change the fact that having feelings? Doesn't mean you HAVE to act on them or do anything about it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It's internal weather. Given time, it will blow on through on its own. Honest.
I would love to be disciplined enough to live life in that kind of zen-like state. The idea of going through life and acknowledging pain/emotion/circumstance and rather than reacting to it is enticing but requires a strength of will that I am not sure I currently possess.

However, I'm going to work at it... thanks Galagirl!
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