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Old 03-26-2012, 04:16 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Default My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site, and just need some advice and guidance from people who wont judge me.

I met an older(39) married man two and a half years ago and we entered into a poly relationship, he has an arrangement with his wife where they have agreed that they can see other people. It was initially just about a physical attraction and we would meet twice a week for sex. It did not take long for me to fall in love with him, and I can't deny that I wanted him to myself. After about six months, I started talking about us setting up a home together, he made it clear though that he would never leave his wife. I ended the relationship there, but after a few months I missed him so much that we got back together and I agreed to keep things as they were before. I still love him.

So, fast forward too a year ago, I met my boyfriend, and right from the start I told him the truth about my lover, and that I could not give him up, and if he wanted to be with me, it would have to be within an open relationship. He agreed to this.

I can't pretend that it was a 'love at first sight' thing with my partner, it wasn't, but over the course of the last year, I have truly started to love him so, so much. He is completely different to my lover, he is kind, funny, charming and very loving towards my six year old son & I. We live with him now, and he looks after us and has become a dad to my son, who adores him.

I continued to see my lover twice a week and my b/friend did initially see other girls.

The problem is, over the last few months my boyfriend has started to show signs of being jealous. He has become moody on the nights I see my lover and will often ask questions about him and also ask me if I prefer my lover in bed and it has now got to the point where he will even ask if he has a big dick. I don't answer him and tell him how much I love him and also not to be jealous, but he will still ask and he gets upset. I cannot tell him the truth.

As much as I love my boyfriend, and as gentle and loving as he is, and as much as I love our sex life together, he cant compete with my lover in bed, we have the most incredible sex together.

I truly do love them both, my boyfriend comes first though, and I have asked him if he wants me to give my lover up. He has said that it's up to me. He has stopped seeing other girls though, and this makes me feel so guilty.

So I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone else had to deal with something similar, and been able to overcome it and still see two people and make it work?

Any suggestions, Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 03-26-2012, 04:26 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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I don't have experience with this but I can say that it's best you don't ask him if you should give your lover up. Generally the answer and feeling behind it is 'YES'. His insecurities are already loud and questions like that will give him the impression that he has control over what you do, when he really doesn't.

I think you can definitely try negotiating and letting him know that his feelings matter, and investigate why he might be feeling the way he does. Since it hasn't been the case until now it's important to find out what could be causing the sudden decline in self-image.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:27 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I gave up jealousy when I was very young. It was incredibly difficult but it allows me to be poly today. He needs to look inside himself and figure out what's causing him to feel jealous. Then he needs to kill that. Very few people can do that but if he can be will be a lot happier. He has to want to not be jealous, though. He can't stop until he's ready to put effort into it.

You need to stop comparing the sex, though. He's probably picking up on that. Tell him that it's different and that you don't want to discuss it in that kind of detail. Sex with him is not sex with the other guy or vice versa and you saying one is better than the other will lead to problems. Different. Not better or worse. Different.

Good luck.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 03-26-2012 at 12:44 PM.
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Old 03-26-2012, 04:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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how old are you and your Bf?

Is it possible that with in the past year that your bf's feeling have grown ...for you and your son ... a deep love and affection ...which is why he shed the other girls. Could that have been a grand gesture to show commitment or love...direction for the future?

Who looks after your son when you go on these dates?

I don't think I'd try lying saying it's just different especially when you don't feel that way ....you like give it away.

If being poly is a life identifying thing for you, this is one of the truths that has to be acknowledged. And it maybe painful to hear but the truth is the truth...not everyone is playing pro football, hockey, soccer , etc.. either. At least he can decide how he wants to respond or react to such knowledge.....which could be the reason for the question in the first place.

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-26-2012 at 08:09 PM.
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Old 03-26-2012, 06:19 PM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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You live with the boyfriend and he's acting as Dad for your little boy?

It sounds like you thought you had almost the perfect situation for a while there. As long as the boyfriend was dating others too, and not feeling jealous, everything was wonderful...

Now, though, you have to figure out what you need, what you really want, and what you can live without, because I foresee this getting thornier before it gets better.

Seriously. Figure out what you need. Not, what the boyfriend needs, because that's his job to figure out.

Figure out what you need and ask for it.

This may mean you have to ditch the idea of being a nice good girl. If you don't know what I mean by this, it may not make sense yet. In our society, women are often brought up to defer to everyone else's wishes/desires/wants before even considering what they themselves might need. You have the right to run your life. You will be happier if you admit that there are things that you need to have to make you happy. You are an adult, and you can ask for these things. You may not get them from the people that you ask. Determine whether you can live with that, or if you need to move on.


That paragraph? Written from the perspective of a recovering nice good girl. That's me. It took me ages(I'm 43) to realize that I did not have to put everyone else's feelings above mine.

I'm not advocating being rude, here, but, this jealousy problem that your boyfriend has? His problem. You are not causing it. There are lots of people who could handle the situation you describe just fine without getting insecure about the sex. His problem. You can do what you can to reassure him, but, whether or not you are successful is not in your control. This is his head, and he let's in the reassurances he wants...or not. You can point him at things to read to help him. Whether he reads or understands is not in your control. You can't do it. He is the only one who can.

Boundaries are fine and wonderful things, and you aren't being mean if you stand up for yourself. If he asks how he compares in bed, you don't have to tell him anything. That's between your Lover and yourself. If he presses, you can tell him that you don't talk to your Lover about him, so you aren't going to talk to him about your Lover.

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...hat-do-i-want/

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...ittle-toaster/

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...re-home-alone/

The "when you're home alone" one is for your boyfriend.

Last edited by Jericka; 03-26-2012 at 06:34 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-26-2012, 06:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Jericka, you are a woman after my own heart. I love your advice. A "recovering nice good girl." What a gem.

Aurelie, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your bf not to ask you these questions. If I were you, I would say, "You know, I really don't appreciate your questions. And I've noticed your moodiness every time I go out. This is the way it is. He is a part of my life, and I told you from the beginning that you have to accept that to be in relationship with me. I never asked you to stop seeing other people. If you're looking for some changes in our relationship, you need to start discussing it with me like a grown-up and stop sulking and questioning me about my lover."
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-26-2012 at 06:47 PM.
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  #7  
Old 03-27-2012, 01:12 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
I don't have experience with this but I can say that it's best you don't ask him if you should give your lover up. Generally the answer and feeling behind it is 'YES'. His insecurities are already loud and questions like that will give him the impression that he has control over what you do, when he really doesn't.

I think you can definitely try negotiating and letting him know that his feelings matter, and investigate why he might be feeling the way he does. Since it hasn't been the case until now it's important to find out what could be causing the sudden decline in self-image.


Well, I asked my boyfriend if he wants me to give my lover up when I was feeling guilty, I didn't mean it, and I dont want to. My bf is very laid back and easy going, he really isn't the controlling type, which is why he said it was up to me. My lover is more of the controlling type. I dont think my bf has any self image problems either, he is good looking and in great shape and both my son and I have a great time being with him. The problem started when my lover and I went away for a weekend together, my bf asked me not to go, but I did.
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Old 03-27-2012, 02:08 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I gave up jealousy when I was very young. It was incredibly difficult but it allows me to be poly today. He needs to look inside himself and figure out what's causing him to feel jealous. Then he needs to kill that. Very few people can do that but if he can be will be a lot happier. He has to want to not be jealous, though. He can't stop until he's ready to put effort into it.

You need to stop comparing the sex, though. He's probably picking up on that. Tell him that it's different and that you don't want to discuss it in that kind of detail. Sex with him is not sex with the other guy or vice versa and you saying one is better than the other will lead to problems. Different. Not better or worse. Different.

Good luck.






When my bf asks who I prefer sex with, I always say the same thing, something like.............."Please dont do this, I love you so much, but I dont want to talk about that." I always fob him off. I think he takes that to mean that I prefer my lover, I think he would think the same if I told him that it was different. What he wants to hear is that sex is better with him. Sometimes, I wish that is what I had told him.

Sexually, they are very different though, my bf is very gentle and loving and is very considerate with regards to putting my needs before his own. Thats the way I want him to be, it reflects his personality and he does have a sex drive that matches my own. I really enjoy our lovemaking, it's good, and I wouldn't want to change anything about him. He is always demonstrative, he loves to hold hands and kiss and cuddle up on the sofa, not just with me, but with my son as well, he is a very loving person.

My lover is the opposite, sexually he is confident and very forceful and domineering towards me. He has an electric touch and sex with him is very exciting and there is nothing that we haven't tried . He is very well endowed and has amazing self control. We very rarely go out and he makes me have orgasms in a way that my bf cannot, and will never be able to............
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Old 03-27-2012, 03:00 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
how old are you and your Bf?

Is it possible that with in the past year that your bf's feeling have grown ...for you and your son ... a deep love and affection ...which is why he shed the other girls. Could that have been a grand gesture to show commitment or love...direction for the future?

Who looks after your son when you go on these dates?

I don't think I'd try lying saying it's just different especially when you don't feel that way ....you like give it away.

If being poly is a life identifying thing for you, this is one of the truths that has to be acknowledged. And it maybe painful to hear but the truth is the truth...not everyone is playing pro football, hockey, soccer , etc.. either. At least he can decide how he wants to respond or react to such knowledge.....which could be the reason for the question in the first place.


I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 28.

I think that our love for each other has grown a lot over the last year. I know how much he loves me, and he is very affectionate, I also know how much I love him. To see my son with him, and to watch their own relationship develop over the last year has meant so much to me. My son regards him as his father and calls him dad. They are very, very close.

My bf is very easy to be with, he is so nice, but also great fun. He is also very generous, both with the time he gives, and also the way he cares for us. My son and I can have things that we never could before. He has made me happier than I've ever been. I love him so much.

Some people say you cant love two people at the same time..........I know they are wrong, because I do. The love I feel for my lover is different though. I love him in spite of myself. I cant even say that I like him that much, I dont. I can tell you why I love my bf, but I cant do the same with regards to my lover, I just know I do. Truth is, other than the sex, we dont have much going for us, and yet, there is something there, but neither one of us can explain it.

I have talked to my bf about why he has stopped seeing other girls. He simply says that he doesn't enjoy it. He says that he has never really enjoyed sex outside of a relationship. He says that he has tried, but just doesn't think it will ever be for him. He says that he just wants to be with me.

I meet my lover two nights a week. I live with my bf, so he looks after my son when I'm on these dates. When I come home it's late, so they are both in bed together. I do feel bad when I see them cuddled up, but sometimes I think that's what my bf wants, as my son never sleeps in our bed at any other time.

Yes, I do think poly is a life identifying thing for me. I have never been so happy and I want things to stay exactly as they are. I really dont want to hurt my bf, but realise that I may have to tell the truth and do just that if I'm to get what I want.
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  #10  
Old 03-27-2012, 03:41 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jericka View Post
You live with the boyfriend and he's acting as Dad for your little boy?

It sounds like you thought you had almost the perfect situation for a while there. As long as the boyfriend was dating others too, and not feeling jealous, everything was wonderful...

Now, though, you have to figure out what you need, what you really want, and what you can live without, because I foresee this getting thornier before it gets better.

Seriously. Figure out what you need. Not, what the boyfriend needs, because that's his job to figure out.

Figure out what you need and ask for it.

This may mean you have to ditch the idea of being a nice good girl. If you don't know what I mean by this, it may not make sense yet. In our society, women are often brought up to defer to everyone else's wishes/desires/wants before even considering what they themselves might need. You have the right to run your life. You will be happier if you admit that there are things that you need to have to make you happy. You are an adult, and you can ask for these things. You may not get them from the people that you ask. Determine whether you can live with that, or if you need to move on.


That paragraph? Written from the perspective of a recovering nice good girl. That's me. It took me ages(I'm 43) to realize that I did not have to put everyone else's feelings above mine.

I'm not advocating being rude, here, but, this jealousy problem that your boyfriend has? His problem. You are not causing it. There are lots of people who could handle the situation you describe just fine without getting insecure about the sex. His problem. You can do what you can to reassure him, but, whether or not you are successful is not in your control. This is his head, and he let's in the reassurances he wants...or not. You can point him at things to read to help him. Whether he reads or understands is not in your control. You can't do it. He is the only one who can.

Boundaries are fine and wonderful things, and you aren't being mean if you stand up for yourself. If he asks how he compares in bed, you don't have to tell him anything. That's between your Lover and yourself. If he presses, you can tell him that you don't talk to your Lover about him, so you aren't going to talk to him about your Lover.

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...hat-do-i-want/

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...ittle-toaster/

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.co...re-home-alone/

The "when you're home alone" one is for your boyfriend.

Yes, I live with my boyfriend, and he has become my beautiful boys Dad.

Your right, I did have the perfect situation for a while, and I'm hoping that I will be able to again.

You say that I have to figure out what I need, what I really want, and what I can live without, because you foresee this getting thornier before it gets better.

What can I live without? I know I cannot live without my boyfriend, he comes first.

What do I really want? I want things to be as they were.

What do I need? I think that I need them both, but if it was a choice between the two, then I need my boyfriend so much more.

I also think things will get thornier before they get better. I have to tell my bf what I want, I will not give up what I have easily, and I think he deserves to know the truth about why I want it.

Thanks for the links, they were very interesting. The one for my boyfriend, pretty much describes what he does when I'm not there. My Son and my bf always find silly childish things to do together, or sometimes they go out together. He's a great Dad.
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