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  #1  
Old 08-17-2010, 02:52 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Default Whose secondary comes first?

Odd thought.

You are with your primary partner (You and PP)

You have a secondary who has a primary partner (S & P2)

S's primary has a secondary (S2)

YOu are madly in love with S, P2 is madly in love with S2

Circumstances happen that S2 has to move a significant distance away.

P2 wants to move to be closer

S wants to stay to be with You.

All other things being equal (jobs, education, health care) whose secondary comes first? S2 has to go, P2 doesn't have to but wants to, S doesn't want to leave You. You are settled in your life.
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Old 08-17-2010, 03:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Gotta say that was kind of painful to read. Wowsers confusing. I feel like I am doing a grade 9 math problem

Honestly it comes down to what the party involved wants. That means everyone. A group discussion would have to happen to decide what everyone wants.

Making lists helps. If all things are equal then that should help logically break down what everyone wants and hopefully come up with a compromise that makes everyone happy.

Last edited by Ariakas; 08-17-2010 at 03:30 PM.
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Old 08-17-2010, 06:41 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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wow, that is complicated... there would be so many things to factor in. I wouldn't know where to start until everyone had a chance to think about it and decide what would be best for them. Really it comes back to being our own primary I think... helpful that no kids are involved (I'm assuming).
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Old 08-17-2010, 07:10 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Oh what a tangled web we weave, when poly life we try to lead!

I'm assuming this was a hypothetical situation, otherwise I wouldn't be cracking jokes. If it's not, then please accept my apologies and feel free to PM me a kick in the lady bits.
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Old 08-17-2010, 08:14 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I think that's something for S and P2 to work out.
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Old 08-19-2010, 10:43 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
All other things being equal (jobs, education, health care) whose secondary comes first?
Assuming that I don't have any commitments to P2 or S2, the only thing that happens here is that I let S know how I feel about the idea of their moving away, and then let them work out where they'd like to live. This'd be a not-fun conversation, because I know that I don't do LDRs well and avoid them; so there'd be an unfortunate ultimatum-type element to it.
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Old 08-20-2010, 12:46 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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The primaries in question should put themsevles first. You shouldn't be in the equation but neither should your secondary's primary's secondary. (I hope to high heaven that made sense.)

Is there anything in this new place for P2 other than S2? Is there anything there for S?
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  #8  
Old 08-20-2010, 11:15 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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It's all on P2, who wants to move to be closer to S2. P2 should consider all other parties' needs. If S is okay with this, than "you" loses; if S is not okay with this, than P2 has a decision to make between their primary and their secondary.

Alternatively, EVERYONE can move because P2 wants to follow S2.
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  #9  
Old 08-21-2010, 07:48 AM
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RatatouilleStrychnine RatatouilleStrychnine is offline
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If the couple (S+P2) have a disagreement over whether to move or not, and can't resolve it, I think staying put would get the "casting vote" for me. Moving is an enormous upheaval, very stressful and can have unpredictable results.
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:14 PM
RGee91 RGee91 is offline
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It would be selfish of P2 to want to move solely for S2, now leaving S without their secondary. In my eyes it would look like P2 wanted to meet his romantic needs, even if they hurt the needs of S. Its unfair to S to have to change their home because P2's secondary couldn't stay around... well unless S is in agreement, then this will be a different rant... but the decision should be made between them tho... hard to really say more without more details...
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