A question for "Secondaries"

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Luckily he and I have never been better.

This is very true isn't it..it's so hard to focus on that when I see you and PN not as connected as I want...I'm sooo needy

Off to read your blog I love you Lilo

[geminigirl]

You can bet your boots I'll use it, Mono!

[ray]

The other day, O seemed out of sorts and I asked him what had happened and he replied that he couldn't really discuss it. I still don't know what that was all about but it caused me to realize that the idea of the two of them fighting or having trouble made me feel quite disconcerted. 1- I don't want to be in the middle of anything 2- our relationship is built on the three of us and disrupting that would throw off it's stability. I felt a feeling similar to the one I felt when my mother talked about getting a divorce from my father. Not that it's quite the same. I can also relate to the worry of how people would perceive me as a cause of problems if there were to be any. We're not really out (only to a select few) but I think there are some people who suspect something and I'm sure would be quick to think that he and I might be having an affair. Polyamory is not in their universe.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by ray

our relationship is built on the three of us and disrupting that would throw off it's stability.

This isn't everyone's poly but it is ours it seems. Thanks for sharing your experience. Ultimately we have to trust our partners and do our best to support their other relationships.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey Mon,

I think it's important to keep the human aspect in focus, despite whatever 'relationships' are involved.

People are all their own masters, have various feelings & moods, make their own internal decisions etc daily. When any 2 or more people see themselves as some connected whole it threatens to cast a shadow over the individuals - that 'human' element.

In the end, we can never be (or take responsibility) for someone else's thoughts or actions. Things will unfold as they need to. We try to be aware of the interaction and not needlessly (or heedlessly) insert more complexity, but in the end, we are all just living the life as best we can figure out.

This isn't some cop-out. It's just reality. We do the best we know how, but in the end we're just being swept along by the winds of time like another leaf.

GS

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Things will unfold as they need to.

GS

Right you are, GS.

[Magdlyn]

Funny, I dont think of me and my gf as a "package deal" at all, but maybe it's b/c when men find out i have a bi gf, and I am bi, they get all excited and want to talk about an immediate 3way.

*rolls eyes to heaven*

[Ceoli]

While the relationship my partner and I have isn't really "secondary", I am the newest partner and she does have two other primary partners.

It definitely makes me unhappy if something is not going well on one of her other relationships and it makes me very happy when her other relationships are going well. This is because...well, I love her and want very much for her to be happy and I like the other two partners, so I wouldn't want them to be in a bad spot either.

While I don't consider myself responsible for her other relationships (and she doesn't consider me responsible for them either), I am quite happy to offer whatever support I can for her and them if it's needed. If that means stepping back for a bit, I'll happily do that. But those sorts of things are not up to me, just as what happens between myself and her is not up to her other partners. We all take responsibility for our own relationships and I trust that she will ask for what she needs and do the things she needs to nurture each of her relationships, including ours. And I also trust that her other partners have a similar mindset with regards to all of our relationships.

[AnnabelMore]

If my gf and her husband split up I would be devestated. Now granted, I'm in a different situation because while we're in a vee relationship I have feelings for both of them. Moreover, I think their relationship is a really beautiful thing.

But those factors aside, I really don't know if things could continue with my gf and I if her husband was out of the picture. She would be an emotional wreck and I would do my utmost to support her, but there'd be no way I could fill the void she'd be feeling. Not because I'm not a good lover or partner, but simply because the two of them have been together for ages and made a life commitment. How could she want to be intimate with anyone when feeling as terrible as she would inevitably feel? I could easily picture her just closing herself off from the world... including me.

Let's say she *did* manage to get over it somehow. Would we be ok then? Again, I truly don't know. Our relationship would almost certainly change. We see each other fairly infrequently now because we're both very busy. Her schedule and life would change drastically, and presumably we'd have more time for each other. Which, in theory, could be good for us but would just be a big change. I'd rather that we take things gradually and let it build naturally as opposed to suddenly finding ourselves in a completely different situation.

So, that's my take as a secondary -- I am all in favor of my partner's primary relationship and don't want it to go anywhere!