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Old 12-14-2012, 12:19 AM
SleeveHeart SleeveHeart is offline
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Default I'll probably fall in love with you too

I'm a cynical misanthrope, but I happen to fall in love with "everyone I meet".

I've labeled this disease of mine as polyamory. At one point it was under control, but right now, it feels like a wildfire. I feel as though I'm polyamorous because what I feel for people other than my girlfriend is genuine love, and rarely sexual desire.

I've talked about my feelings openly with my girl, but it only depresses her. There's no way she'd be able to handle me being with someone else too. And I'd pick her over anyone else.... I think.

Along with polyamory, my other flaws include depression, anxiety, slight psychosis, and pretty prominent memory problems.

I mention these things because they all affect my stand-point on polyamory and my love life; especially the memory issues/mental illness. There are days when I can't fully remember why I am with my current girlfriend, I can't remember why I love her. I know that this is an unrelated issue. But I do wonder if I'm not actually polyamorous.. if I'm just forgetting what I have.

Anyway, I've come to this website for a different reason than just finding a support group. I've come here to "cure" myself. I don't want to have these feelings for other people. It's messing up my life, my friendships, my mind.

I hope I can find answers here,
SleeveHeart
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  #2  
Old 12-14-2012, 02:48 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi SleeveHeart,
Welcome to our forum.

You have a complex set of symptoms, and would do well if you could find a poly-friendly counselor and meet with them quite a few times. I'm seeing the memory problems combining with a kind of continuous compulsion to fall in love. The depression and anxiety may aggravate the problem.

Polyamory isn't necessarily a bad thing per se, but anything that you crave so much that it is messing up your life, is probably an addiction. If you're truly poly, you need to get the compulsion under control, so that it's a healthier state of poly.

Perhaps a place to start would be to write up a list of reasons why you love your current girlfriend. Then, post that list somewhere where you can easily see it and add to it.

At some point, you could have a talk to her to see what she could tolerate, what she'd need in order to be able to tolerate, and above all, to tell her what you really want. But you need to figure out what you really want, and right now I think you're somewhat undecided.

Feel free to either dialog with me about this on this thread, or, start a new thread on the topic in the "Poly Relationships Corner" board.

You seem to have a tangled bunch of issues, so you'll need patience; this won't sort out over night.

Glad you're here in any case,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #3  
Old 12-14-2012, 09:25 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SleeveHeart View Post
I'm a cynical misanthrope, but I happen to fall in love with "everyone I meet".
That's a bit of a juxtaposition, I'll give you that. Define "love"; what do you actually feel or are you using love as a nametag for strong emotions?

Quote:
I've labeled this disease of mine as polyamory. At one point it was under control, but right now, it feels like a wildfire. I feel as though I'm polyamorous because what I feel for people other than my girlfriend is genuine love, and rarely sexual desire.
Not sure I'd qualify it as a disease, but whatev's.

Quote:
I've talked about my feelings openly with my girl, but it only depresses her. There's no way she'd be able to handle me being with someone else too. And I'd pick her over anyone else.... I think.
It sounds like you're unhappy with some fundamental part of your current relationship and its starting to boil through to your conscious mind.

Quote:
Along with polyamory, my other flaws include depression, anxiety, slight psychosis, and pretty prominent memory problems.
That's a pretty big list. Have you seen a mental health professional about this or is this a self-diagnosed set of problems?

Quote:
I mention these things because they all affect my stand-point on polyamory and my love life; especially the memory issues/mental illness. There are days when I can't fully remember why I am with my current girlfriend, I can't remember why I love her. I know that this is an unrelated issue. But I do wonder if I'm not actually polyamorous.. if I'm just forgetting what I have.
Do your memory problems extend to any other parts of your life?

Quote:
Anyway, I've come to this website for a different reason than just finding a support group. I've come here to "cure" myself. I don't want to have these feelings for other people. It's messing up my life, my friendships, my mind.

I hope I can find answers here,
SleeveHeart
Yeeaahhhhh it doesn't work like that.

I went through this whole roller coaster a few years back. I started as what I would call "militantly monogamous." I would not even entertain the thought of a second partner but that started coming apart.

At first I thought there was really something wrong with me. Where were all these feelings coming from? I'd never had them before, so why should they start up now? I was completely happy with my (then) fiancee, so why should I feel this way? Conclusion reached: I must have had something wrong with me.

I wrestled with that for a good three months and I went some crazy places, let me tell you. I actually dug up information on repairative therapy and tried some of the techniques on myself. Never mind that I've ALWAYS considered it to be insane at best and psychologically damaging at worst, I still turned it on myself because I thought I had a problem.

Fast forward three months and I was no further along to "fixing myself" or "making myself monogamous" than I was when I started. I had wasted three months and made myself incredibly unhappy in the process. At that point, I figured that this was probably just how I was and I should accept it rather than fight it because THAT obviously was not working. I felt much happier and more comfortable with myself after making that decision.
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  #4  
Old 12-14-2012, 07:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Welcome.

I am sorry you are hurting. Do you have a health professional helping you out? A counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist person? That's a lot of stuff there!

You know that having these crush feelings is nothing, right? You don't actually have to ACT on any of them. You can just enjoy your crushes and not do a single thing about them. In time they come and go. Just as pretty rainbows come and go. *shrug*

If you feel polyamorously wired, there is no "cure" for that. You just choose to be in active relationship with the people you want to be in active relationship with. You choose to honor the relationship agreements you have with them.

Polyamorous just means the capacity to love more than one person at a time. It doesn't mean you must be in relationship with more than one person at a time AT ALL TIMES. Sometimes that means you are polyamorous and SINGLE. Enjoying rainbows come and go, but choosing to NOT be in any active romantic relationships because of other reasons. Perhaps work, grief over a lost loved one, illness -- things that don't allow you to be a good dating partner to someone at this point in time.


What are you wants, needs, and limits at this time? I am not clear on what you want your future with the GF to be? You don't sound like you know what you want.
  • A) Do you want to be in relationship with just your GF? If yes... do you want to be in RIGHT relationship with her or not? Work on your communication style, boundaries, and health issues so you can be a healthy whole partner for her.
  • B) Do you want to be in relationship with the GF and free to date others too? If you want this-- ASK her if she wants this too and if she's willing to be in that kind of relationship with you.
    • If not she is not willing, give her up and break up with her and keep the poly dating desire. Work on your communication style, boundaries, and health issues so you can be a healthy whole partner for future dating partners.
    • Or if she is not willing, give up the poly dating desire and choose to be with her in monoship. Back to option A.
  • C) Or that you want to break up with her and can't bring yourself to do it? Would you prefer she break up with you so you are off the hook?
    If you no longer want to be with her and you know this, just end it. Don't be unkind and string her along for the ride.

Is the way you write also how you talk in real life? If I was your GF I'd be upset listening to this sort of communication style. To me it could be perceived something like this:

"I am diseased and wear my heart on my sleeve! (implied: Have little to no expectations of me. Because I am broken, I have no personal responsibility. I am an effect of my circumstances only. )

I don't know if I want you and I don't remember why I am with you and I think I'd pick you, I'm not sure. (implied: lack of commitment, no personal responsibility, taking GF for granted, hurting GF feelings.)

Hey, I like/crush on this list of people! I share this openly with you. (implied: why am I not getting points for honesty? Why are you not happy with this knowledge? Even when it comes on the heels of the first two things?)"
That communication style is off putting. Why would your GF be happy receiving knoweldge of your crushes when prior communication implies lack of commitment and lack of personal responsibility toward her? Ack!

I know I could be totally wrong. But that's how it would feel to me in those GF shoes.

Why is she upset? Has she said? Could it also be the HOW you express yourself about it all and your communication style? What is it you tell her about your crushes/feelings for others verbatim? Could you improve your communication style to be something more assertive and less talk-downy to yourself?

If you go around telling yourself you are a cynical misanthrope broken person -- that's not HELPING yourself toward better mental health. That's not self-respecting behavior -- talking down to yourself about yourself.

Could there be a Recovery chapter near to you help supplement what you get at a professional? They can help you spot yourself in times of thinking things leading you off to working yourself up. Help you learn to keep your thoughts in good order so you learn not to talk down to yourself.

Again, I'm sorry you are suffering right now. I hope you can take positive steps to get on the path to wellness.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-14-2012 at 07:51 PM.
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