Discussion on Forum Sociology and Interpersonal Dynamics

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

But then you create the dreaded, everyone is equal. This may create jealousy with your followers who want you to love them more haha

They all dislike me equally too. We have an egalitarian hegemony.

Originally Posted by redsirenn

i think it is a waste of time to argue this issue in rebuttal after rebuttal without a clear list of suggestions in the form of actions that all people on this forum could take.

this this this!!!!

Originally Posted by redsirenn

So - can I suggest to the mods to move this under the thread for forum suggestions ONLY if we can all attempt to do this in a clearer, more efficient way? Please?

That I feel would be progress.

RS

Done. It's been added to the "Suggestions and feedback" thread.

Oh, and redsirenn, sugar pie? It's "hijack", not "hyjack". Are you ok with me telling you that, hon?

I'm JUST KIDDING around. I think rs can handle it!

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

Again - the hyjacking of this thread is, I feel, a bit disrespectful. The repetition about this topic is not efficient and personally gives me a headache. It also makes me feel like what is the fucking point of pointing something out - thus feeling a bit unwelcome myself.

So - can I suggest to the mods to move this under the thread for forum suggestions ONLY if we can all attempt to do this in a clearer, more efficient way? Please?

YGirl appears to be complicit in the hijacking of the thread, so I'll leave it up to her as to whether to break it apart into separate threads.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

YGirl appears to be complicit in the hijacking of the thread, so I'll leave it up to her as to whether to break it apart into separate threads.

At some point, we may attempt to compartmentalize posts from this thread. For the time being, it is viable to let things progress naturally.

With that in mind, I'm off to the campsite for the weekend. Anyone who is friends with me on Fakebook has my cell phone number, and it gets a good signal at the camp, so feel free to contact me if anything needs to be imploded.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

The repetition about this topic is not efficient and personally gives me a headache. It also makes me feel like what is the fucking point of pointing something out - thus feeling a bit unwelcome myself.

So - can I suggest to the mods to move this under the thread for forum suggestions ONLY if we can all attempt to do this in a clearer, more efficient way? Please?

That I feel would be progress.

RS

This is what I am saying here, what makes people stop talking or engaging in a thread is that they aren't interested or they get their back up and don't see the point. Thank you Red for giving me an example. Sorry it's because you are legitimately getting a headache from all of this

As for moving these particular posts from here to "suggestions" I'm all for it, I think that is a better place for it. It's up to ygirl though as it's her thread and she can mod it herself anyways... (besides she is better at it than me). op, she's done it.... (having read ahead).

Originally Posted by YGirl

My "take" on it is that the "People Who Leave" are friends or acquaintances of Ceoli, either in real life, on other online venues, or both. For some reason, They would rather not use their own voices to speak Their minds, but instead are content to have Ceoli be Their mouthpiece. I believe in speaking up for those who CANNOT speak for themselves (such as abused children and animals), not those who CHOOSE not to speak for themselves (such as grown, presumably literate, humans with access to the internet).

ya, I think that some of the issue, is that some people came here, didn't like what people said to them, didn't like that some people objected to their approach and left in a huff and decided to bad mouth a forum that didn't suit their needs when it clearly suits others... why they can't leave that alone and find their own peeps to hang with, all with a "meh, they are doing find and so are we" kind of attitude, I don't know...

I wonder if they are used to a certain type/style of expression and a poly within that. There is a large mix of people here that challenge a person that engages in certain activities just by telling their own story. Perhaps they decided to remove themselves and chalk us up to being exclusive because of their own discomfort in getting to know something different to their reality; rather than looking at their own exclusivity and be curious about others?

I wonder if perhaps its more to do with a type of individual who enjoys this forum or not rather than about exclusivity and marginalization.

I admire your tenacity Ceoli, if in fact Ygirl is right. I think it's great that you attempt to make the world a better place for those who struggle to speak for themselves, grown ups (etc.) or not.

I find it a shame however, and again, if what ygirl says is true, that instead of advocating for them to expand their minds and reach out to see what is out there in the poly world, you have chosen to close your own and continue to pursue a goal that is just as exclusive and marginalizing as you think we all are.

Originally Posted by YGirl

I thought everyone should know that I do in fact judge people. You know I mean it because I didn't put the word "judge" in quotes. WEll, yes I did just there, but not before...

I agree, I think we all judge. It's human nature to do so, it helps us find our place in the world... by judging we create our own self worth and self eteem.

What needs to happen next I think is to consider what we do with that judgment. I think we owe it to the world as a whole to work towards it being a better place... for me doing that means taking my judgment, looking at every aspect of it, pulling it a part and then creating acceptance and admiration for differences.

This is a long process sometimes, it's not always evident that I am there yet, but I am consciously aware that I am going through this process and ask for patience to get there... We have a whole life time of this kind of process I think. There is no rush and I think it should always be respected that others are going through it too.

ygirl, I have found that you are judgmental, but I also find that you get to the same place I do, perhaps by the same means, perhaps not, but you get there.... I am warmed to you for that reason.

Originally Posted by YGirl

I'm off to the campsite for the weekend. Anyone who is friends with me on Fakebook has my cell phone number, and it gets a good signal at the camp, so feel free to contact me if anything needs to be imploded.

Have fun!

[jkelly]

This is a busy thread!

Originally Posted by redpepper

What is it about these people that is so offensive to some that they feel they can't bare talking to them? Is it that we are suppose to be in someway sorry? That we should in some way admit we are privileged and step aside? I don't get it.

I don't think it's quite so straightforward as that. But yeah, there are offensive things, and there are things we should be sorry about, and there are also probably times when people should step aside.

Sometimes someone says something that I genuinely find offensive. And I may say "Hey, that's offensive" or I might not. I'm not offended by the fact that people who disagree with me exist! I'm offended by something in particular that was expressed. Now, if someone were to come around here and say a bunch of really weird, nasty things about poly- people, I'd get a lot of support for saying "Hey, that's offensive!", right?

But that's not always the case. People can say a bunch of really weird, nasty things about other groups of people, and I wouldn't get a lot of support for saying "Hey, that's offensive!". I think that's obvious... but maybe I need examples here? I'm worried that examples would get in the way, because then we'd get into a discussion about whether saying any particular weird, nasty thing was "actually" offensive or not.

So yes, sometimes people should be sorry. For instance, I'm sorry that I made some weird prejudicial comments about couples opening up a mono- relationship. I think Ygirl should be sorry for making some weird prejudicial comments about people who work as strippers. But, sorry or not, we all have dumb prejudicial ideas that we express from time to time, and that's not a huge problem as long as they don't just go unchallenged. When they do go unchallenged, the environment becomes one in which those groups of people are going to feel alienated and unwelcome.

Which leads me to the stepping aside thing. Remember when you and I were first talking about the issue about younger poly- people being marginalised? One of the better things to come out of that conversation was the idea that people who feel marginalised should be deliberately encouraged to have their voices listened to, whether that be through actively setting up a space to discuss their concerns the way that you did in your community, or through encouraging them in leadership as I suggested. Sometimes doing that means deliberately cultivating some uncomfortable dissenting voices, and sometimes it means just, you know, listening for a while (or "stepping aside"), instead of using the social capital we have to shut down the conversations.

Originally Posted by redpepper

-firmly comfortable in their belief that poly-fi relationships are working for them

Incidentally, I thought it was odd that polyfi- people got lumped into the 'well-represented' camp, since I haven't experienced a lot of polyfi- people speaking up here (in fact, here's a thread where a polyfi- person is expressing that they feel like a minority n this forum).

[jkelly]

Originally Posted by YGirl

The way I have understood the criticism(s) is that it ought to be acceptable to say "Fuck you, JKelly, and the high horse you rode in on", and that is still supposed to foster a "welcoming" and "inclusive" atmosphere.

Well, for the record, I'd like to think I'd respond reasonably well to someone saying that. I'll grant that if a bunch of people with fancy forum titles all said it together, though, I'd probably feel more unwelcome.

Erm... that's not to suggest that fancy forum titles are a problem. I was just using that as shorthand for people who have more social capital than other people.

Anyway, I'm not all that clear about the 'politeness' aspect of this conversation. I get that you and Ceoli think that there's something about politeness that's important to the discussion, but I'll admit that I'm missing out on what's going on with that.

Originally Posted by YGirl

Again, I am hard pressed to understand why you, Ceoli, myself, and others are able to manage this just fine when it comes to our interactions on here, yet these "people who leave" only send their disenchantment over here by proxy.

Not to speak for Ceoli, but it's not clear to me that she's "manage[d] just fine", as she's expressed some pretty serious ambivalence about participating. In case anyone's confused about it, I think that's troublesome, because I think she's a particularly valuable contributor.

I'm loathe to speculate about what you, Ceoli and I have in common, as I don't really know either of the two of you.

I don't have any contact with any "people who leave"; my questioning is more about why this forum bears so little resemblance to my experience, or the offline poly- communities I'm familiar with, why it's rough on people who don't quite fit in, and about the lack of diversity I perceive in it. To be honest, I'd be hesitant to recommend this forum to poly- newbies I meet, and I think that's disappointing. Of course, that opens up the question of why I'm hesitant, and I'm not entirely clear on how to answer that, other than that it doesn't bear much resemblance to my experience, etc.

[Ilove2men]

Coming out of lurker mode, maybe it would help to know who exactly is feeling excluded. We can't actually ask those who left and have not spoken up to the reasons why. We could have an I have left the building and here's why thread, but I can see that turning into a conflict thread easily when someone is leaving because of specific members. Maybe Ceoli can shed some light by listing those who she thinks are feeling excluded or unwelcomed. Maybe a welcome thread with a well written original post can help for the welcoming part, but that's kind of what the introductions are about, no?

[redpepper]

Ya, sometimes its important to step aside and listen. I get that jkelly. If someone is not getting that though, should it not be that others then suggest that they step aside? In the spirit of honesty and openess, that is, or is it not worth that much to people that they bother? After all, people come and go on here all the time. Why would anyone bother reminding others that they might learn something if they step aside when there will be a whole new load of people in a week or so. Besides, should we not also expect the same thing? For people to step aside for us? Maybe those who need others to step aside should also ask for that too. I can see that people who come here might not always feel listened to. HMA certainly didn't. I know I haven't listened before, especially when I've felt like I've had my back against a wall. Maybe I need a thicker skin in those instances? Probably. I know several people who would agree to that actually. Interesting! Thanks for giving me something to think about jkelly!

I don't really recommend this forum to others either. I think most people don't want to talk about their stuff on the whole. At the very most it seems they prefer to talk with others in person. They just muddle through and stuff happens or it doesn't. People more often than not just want to live life rather than analyse it and discuss it with others it seems. Imagine how many poly people are out there if we poly people who like to talk about stuff, are just a small drop in the pan.

[Karma]

My take, as a very blunt person myself - even my friends tell me I'm an asshole at times -

If people can't handle the blunt, non-sugar coated truth, fuck 'em. That's their issue and their inability to deal with reality - either the reality of the situation, or the reality that the actions they are taking are portraying them in that particular light.

None of that is your fault. Some people are too weak to be able to deal with the truth without safety gloves and training wheels. The rest of us are what I like to refer to as 'adults'.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by jkelly

But, sorry or not, we all have dumb prejudicial ideas that we express from time to time, and that's not a huge problem as long as they don't just go unchallenged. When they do go unchallenged, the environment becomes one in which those groups of people are going to feel alienated and unwelcome.

This sums it up very nicely. Thank you, jkelly, for articulating my view so well and for bringing this conversation right into the issues at hand without being personal.

This generally feels like place that prefers prejudicial and marginalizing statements go unchallenged in order to create a safe feeling space. What tends to happen here is that when prejudicial statements do get challenged, it is often met with a whole lot of resistance and unnecessary drama. This can sometimes make it seem like the choice is to let such statements of prejudice go unchallenged or beat one's head against a wall. People who feel on the other side of those prejudicial statements tend to get extra signals that when they are feeling marginalized, it's not a legitimate feeling to have. Jkelly has offered some great insights about how that works and how people can shift how they see such challenges. This is the overprotectiveness I was referring to in my quote that FormerUnicorn posted on this thread.

There are all sorts of statements in this thread speaking to what my motivations are, how bitter I am, the fact that I bring this up over and over again (I brought this up in one other thread- a thread by a person who left that was about this very topic). I continued to discuss it in that thread for as long as people were discussing it. I raised it again in this thread only as a response to a statement that I felt wasn't encompassing the whole picture. I felt it important to acknowledge that the safe little bubble of trust that people have been working to build here does have a cost. I prefer to examine that for the sake of being able to expand that bubble.

For the person who has decided that it's a bunch of personal friends of mine that I'm referring to when I talk about people who have left the forum, I have one personal friend who left the forum and she didn't leave because she felt marginalized. She left because she felt it was useless to have these kinds of conversations with people who continually resist them. In other words, she chose to not bother beating her head against a wall. I certainly took a break from it myself. The other people I know of that no longer post here are people who I got to know through the forum but have never personally met. Some of them I am still in touch with. They did feel marginalized by the culture of this forum.

I find it interesting that there is some direction in this thread to make this about me rather than about the issues I'm raising. This is another example of how one can marginalize others when they bring up issues. Personally, such things do not make me want to leave. While they can be frustrating and ridiculous, I choose to not let such things affect my choice to post here or not. However, I can see how this would make someone feel unwelcome, or at least their point of view to feel unwelcome.

I had to think twice about posting my perspective and how I honestly felt because I was pretty sure that it would be met with resistance, dismissal, frustration, exasperation , speculations about my "agenda", lots of questioning of my motives and the legitimacy of my point of view on the part of many replies. I thought twice not because I felt that my views should be unchallenged, but because I sensed that my views would be unwelcome.

Originally Posted by jkelly

Sometimes doing that means deliberately cultivating some uncomfortable dissenting voices, and sometimes it means just, you know, listening for a while (or "stepping aside"), instead of using the social capital we have to shut down the conversations.

I feel this is the crux of the conversation. It could very well be that this would prefer to be a community that doesn't cultivate uncomfortable dissenting voices. It may have a limited tolerance for them, but my general sense is that this community tends to value these voices not being there.