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  #11  
Old 12-13-2012, 05:39 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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My ex and I were in long distance situations a couple of times in our relationship. We saw each other every 4 to 6 months or so. So when we were physically together, I assumed that we would have sex. What I found for me was that expecting sex to happen just killed my desire and made me actually averse to sex. It stopped being spontaneous (hard to impossible when long distance) and more importantly, stopped being joyful and felt more like an obligation. Nothing kills a boner faster than feeling like 'I have to', or 'I should' or 'My partner will be disappointed if I don't'. Now, my ex did not put this expection on me - this was stuff in my head.

Perhaps something similar is going on for you? If so, talk to your partners about it - I did not handle my situation well at all in terms of communicating about it and that really negatively impacted our sex life.
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  #12  
Old 12-14-2012, 03:35 AM
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Setxfamily Setxfamily is offline
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Not to sound rude but this why medical personal should not self Diagnose themselves. It leads to all kind of problems and it is hard to step outside the problem and see what is really happening. Go seek outside help for the problem and you might see that there is a real simple solution to your problem and be able to resolve it. It is most likely a multi-year aversion thing that all couples go through every so often. Some call it the 5 year itch or something like that.
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  #13  
Old 12-14-2012, 10:12 PM
Messieh28 Messieh28 is offline
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Hey I haven't checked with a doctor, but the way to differentiate between a biological vs psychological cause of this is whether or not someone is hard in the morning. I have no issues with that so it's likely psychological.

I hadn't thought of it in terms of an injury, when it is something in your head, it often feels more permanent and personal than a leg thing but I agree. I've now returned home and I'm seeing them tonight, I'll work on balancing my tension and just trying to relax more.
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  #14  
Old 12-14-2012, 11:35 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Messieh28 View Post
Hey I haven't checked with a doctor, but the way to differentiate between a biological vs psychological cause of this is whether or not someone is hard in the morning. I have no issues with that so it's likely psychological.
That, and the fact that you're only feeling it towards one person... physiology is not partner-selective; it either works or it doesn't. If it works, but only with some people, then it's psychological. That's not to say psychology can't affect biology... but not in terms of blood flow problems, or other purely physiological medical issues.

Something that no one has mentioned is that it's perfectly acceptable to have a romantic relationship without a sexual component. There are people who are completely asexual, people who go through asexual phases throughout their life (me), people who fall in love with an opposite-sex partner only to later realize they're homosexual, people who marry a size 6 who lazily grows into a size 16 when they're only sexually attracted to petites... In all of those cases, you can have a perfectly healthy, enjoyable, fulfilling relationship, all without sex.

Clearly, you want this to be a sexual relationship, so I'm not suggesting you simply give up. But perhaps realizing that it doesn't need to be a sexual relationship can help take the pressure off...
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  #15  
Old 12-17-2012, 05:48 AM
Messieh28 Messieh28 is offline
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To opalescent

I am definitely experiencing that pressure sensation and I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your ex. It is exactly as you wrote that, i wasn't being pressured but I was creating the pressure in my mind. I've definitely communicated it to my partners and when I'm not in the mood I let them know.

I've been home for 3 days now and we haven't had penetrative sex but we've just played with each other and climaxed several times. I am working on quieting down the doubts and worries in the moment. what has helped a lot from being on this forum is hearing from people that this is not horrible abnormal and that it can be helped.

To schrodinger

That is a great point, the romance and connection between us has never been an issue, for me, the most difficult part of this experience has been the guilt of making my partners feel unattractive and also doubting myself. When this began happening a year ago, I was worried I had fallen out of love with my partners and that I would need to break up with them. But after some reflection, and a lot of honest communication, this is where I want to be for a very long time, I just have other issues to work through as well as strengthen my relationship.

To setx

Thanks for the advice, i hadn't thought of it being related to the duration of the relationship. At 3 years, this is the longest I have every been in any configuration of relationship, also 2 of those years were while I was on and off overseas.
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