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Old 08-14-2010, 04:04 AM
disarmlow disarmlow is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Default VERY new to poly - feeling "wrong"


I am brand new to a poly emotional relationship and I have several questions. For background, I have been in a committed relationship with a man for over three years now. I am bisexual and so among these three years we have done a few threesomes and I have experimented with women. I've also tried giving him some leeway and allowing poly sex among a small group of female friends. My SO is very uncomfortable with other men being with me and he is not bisexual so the idea of dating another male has not come up and I'm really not interested in it.

About a month ago, we met a woman that we were both instantly attracted to. After a party she and I were sexually active and later on, we all engaged in a threesome, which was enjoyed by all. We have no problems whatsoever sexually. She is also a sub and my SO is a dom, although he and I do not practice BDSM b/c I am uninterested in it.

Originally, I only felt comfortable with threesomes and them being intimate only within the areas of their sub/dom relationship. Then, the NRE (as I've seen it referred to) kicked in, and without realizing it, within the span of three weeks, she's living with us.

We've talked about doing date nights, which I enjoy, but I've found myself less and less emotionally involved with her. She does not want to be secondary and I am uncomfortable with that. Something feels "wrong" about her being here all the time and I feel jealous and stressed out most of the time. I feel lost in my own relationship, as if I no longer have my place. I do not know if I can ever be comfortable functioning as a "triple" instead of having my own place and my own time with my SO.

Neither of them seem to have a problem but when I mention taking a step back and taking it slower neither of them seems to like that idea. She feels rejected and he feels like I am not allowing her in to my heart, which may be true, but it's because I feel somewhat usurped.

I don't know what to do. I am ok with breaking up with her as a couple but I do not want to anger my SO or hurt her. I would like to continue to be friends or even try poly but I'm not sure if I will ever be comfortable with the situation as it stands. I enjoy alone time with my SO more than our three time and I want to be the primary, which she is not comfortable with.

Advice? Experiences? I really appreciate that there is a support group so wide out here.
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Old 08-14-2010, 06:37 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168

Originally Posted by disarmlow View Post
I am ok with breaking up with her as a couple but I do not want to anger my SO or hurt her.
Er... you should get to date and live with whoever you want.

Seriously, don't date people just because it makes them, or someone else, happy. Don't live with people just because it makes them, or someone else, happy. Date only those people you're enthusiastic about dating! Live with people you want to live with!

Any other approach is going to lead to drama and heartache.
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Old 08-14-2010, 02:15 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652

Okay, so when the three of you were under the influence of NRE, you either allowed or encouraged a new love interest to move with you, and now that you are less "under the unfluence," you're not comfortable with it. Not the first time this sort of thing has happened, not even the first time recently. (I am thinking of the most recent chapter of HMA and Violet's ongoing story.)

How does someone move into a living arrangement "without realizing it"?

Did the three of you discuss the dynamics and boundaries of the arrangement? Are you clear in your own mind what you need and want? Have you communicated those needs and wants to your partners, clearly and directly? Do you have a clear picture of what your partners need and want, and have the three of you reached agreements and worked out strategies to see that each one's needs are met?

It sounds (to me, based on just what you've posted) like your triad moved too far, too fast. And now it's time to build a foundation under the house find yourself in. Doable, but easier said than done.

It's time to think things over, and then talk and talk and talk some more with your partners. Get clear on what each of you need and want, then make a plan to meet them.

It can be done. Good luck to y'all.
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Old 08-14-2010, 03:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,592

I agree. But just like w more typical one-on-one relationships, I hold to the idea to not move in w a lover full time til you've known each other a good year. Then you really get to know them and see if you'd be compatible 24/7.

I've been w my current gf 19 mos and we still maintain separate residences, even tho we spend days each wk together, and I am getting sick of the driving.

In my case, 10 yrs ago my ex and I opened our relationship to others. He fell in love w a single woman. While I liked her, i was NOT amenable to having her move right in, as he was pushing for. Mon dieu!

We had youngish kids at the time too. And I didnt want a "sister wife" to help me raise them, esp w what I knew of the gf's background.

But even if we hadnt had kids, no. No way would she get to move in on my territory, no matter how their NRE was telling them they were instant soul mates. Esp if she wanted to become a 2nd primary. I'd had him for over 20 yrs, I wasnt about to let someone he knew a few wks suddenly become my equal in household decisions.

Heh, when our first Valentine's day came, and he gave her the exact same present he gave me, I flipped and made them break up.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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