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Old 12-11-2012, 06:06 AM
ravenclawshermione ravenclawshermione is offline
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Default My husband's monogamous, I'm not...

So I'm in a bit of a hard place. I'm poly-amorous and always have been, even if I only acted on it once briefly. I lived in Utah, where that whole concept was foreign and "dirty". A threesome was one thing, a real relationship? Just gross. I just sort of accepted that I'd never have a multiparty relationship. I met and fell for a monogamous guy about two years ago and we got married this last June. He's a great guy, and he tries to be understanding of me. However, he is a one-love-forever kind of a guy, and cannot feel empathy. He tries for sympathy, but he really can't understand how I feel. However, I don't think it's so much because he doesn't feel the same, but because he can't let himself admit he did. He still has feelings for his ex and previous best friend, still one of my best friends, who I also have feelings for. She's how we got together, and in the beginning we joked about how we'd just have a three way marriage with her. Unfortunately, she is a truly monogamous girl, so that isn't an option. I had pretty much resigned myself to a life free from poly-actions (impossible to stop the feelings and thoughts, but those are allowed). But lately, that's been difficult.
I've got this friend, a gorgeous bi girl who is also poly. She has a decently attractive boyfriend who I am friends with who is also poly, admittedly less so than she and I. I have feelings for her and want to date her, and she feels the same. But neither of us want to risk what we have. So instead we just ignore the feelings when we can't, flirt like crazy (allowed), and had one threesome (with my husband, he allowed it as a present to me but I was the one who had the most fun).
I've been debating lately telling my husband about all of this, but don't want it to mess up our relationship, which is in a beautiful place. I have good reason to worry. In the beginning of my relationship with my now-husband I cheated with a man I had been in love with for a long time, who I had always had an on and off 'not-relationship' with. It was a moment of weakness, one I blame in part on my attempt at denying that I had feelings for anyone but my now-husband. Baring all that in mind, I don't know if this is a good thing to pursue. But I'm likewise worried if I don't bend a little, I'll break.
What should I do?
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Old 12-11-2012, 06:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,217

Baring all that in mind, I don't know if this is a good thing to pursue.
Well... how do you want to be when you pursue it? Or not pursue it? Either choice -- do you choose to do it with your nose clean or not?
  • Could choose to not pursue and honor the present agreement.
  • Or could choose to negotiate to change agreement, so you then can pursue honorably.
  • Could choose to neither change agreement or obey agreement. Dating her dishonorably in a sneaky way.
  • Could choose something else I can't think of yet. (Tired, my apologies. Late at night.)

I'd suggest letting it go or pursuing it honorably. Not this business of disobeying the limits of your agreement with your spouse and crossing limits.

Why do you do that? Why is HE breaking agreement things? If the agreed upon limit between you is expressing poly thoughts/feelings and mild flirting but not more -- what are you guys doing threesome-ing with her? Even as a "present?" This person is a person. Not a THING.

Engaging in sex with her also feeds the yen to HAVE more with her -- more sex, fuller relationship, etc. Which is what you cannot have under the present agreement.

This business of pushing/crossing limits -- it's not leading to anything but this fuzzy confused space that you do not seem happy to be in. So could choose firm it up one way or another and behave accordingly so you can keep your nose clean about it. I'd go with one of these:
  • Obey your present agreement and back off the crush person.
  • Change your present agreement so you can date the crush person honorably forthrightly and not all "messy."


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-11-2012 at 06:57 AM.
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