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Old 08-14-2010, 01:27 AM
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Default Experiences with V's

I'm new around here, although I've been reading for awhile. I recently began a poly relationship which also happens to be my first relationship in general. Things are going pretty well, I'd say but I thought of something I'd like to ask. I'm dating a guy we'll call O and he is recently married to a woman we'll call A. I frequently hang out with both of them and A and I are working on a friendship. Something we're currently working on figuring out is the rules of engagement when we're all together. Namely, what's ok for O and I. In the next week or so, A and I will likely sit down and discuss the matter but in the meantime I'm curious to hear how others have set this up or talked about it. Like do you hang out with your SO's SO and how affectionate can you all be? Does it ever turn into triad? I'm sure that people have lots of stories and experiences and I'm curious to hear about it.

-R
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Old 08-14-2010, 09:05 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Default SO's SO, and SO's SO's SO

Quote:
Originally Posted by ray View Post
Like do you hang out with your SO's SO and how affectionate can you all be? Does it ever turn into triad?
Sure, many people in Vs hang out all together. In fact, I think it's worrisome if that doesn't happen. I also think one should be just as affectionate as one normally is... but not if it is obviously freaking someone out.

Yes, sometimes a V turns into a triad (and then you'd be hanging out with your SO's SO because they would also be your SO). Sometimes people push for this when it isn't appropriate, so keep an eye out for that.
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:40 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I am in a vee..the hinge. My two men are very friendly. We have all been intimate together too. It's a triad of sorts but a vee in terms of caring, concern, consideration. I think a vee that lasts has to be somewhat like a triad.
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Old 08-15-2010, 09:53 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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My blog goes more into depth about it, but we've got a V.
We all live together. Maca and I are married (12 years). GG and I've had a relationship of SOME sort for 17 1/2 years.

Recently Maca's begun seeing another woman. That would be a V as well (making us what? most of a W?). It COULD potentially turn into a triad when I am back in Ak. Not sure.

One of the key's is RESPECT and HONESTY.
Be patient if your toes get stepped on and don't do anything that you wouldn't want them to do to you.
I made a point of letting Maca know-that if one of us says "yes I'm ok with you doing that", that TO ME still does'nt mean it's ok. What it means is that IF WE ARE OK WITH THE OTHER COUPLE DOING IT ALSO then it may be ok for us to do.

Example: I gave him permission to use our room/bed (I'm out of town) with his lover. BUT-it's only ok for him to do that, if HE is ok with ME using it with my lover also.

Does that compute?

I send cards and letters, emails and texts to his lover (I don't know her very well as I've been out of town the whole 7 weeks that they've been seeing each other). I do so to be kind, show respect, let her know it's TRULY ok with me that she's a meaningful part of his life. If I hear about her having a rough time, I try to drop her a line letting her know that i'm thinking of her, etc.

I just really put a great effort into treating her with the care and respect I would want her to treat me with (and she does FYI).

GG and I have been careful to go slow in terms of how much affection we share in front of Maca. Not that we aren't affectionate-but we aren't exclusionary when we do it....
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Old 08-16-2010, 01:30 AM
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Quote:
Sometimes people push for this when it isn't appropriate, so keep an eye out for that.
Sometimes I feel like things would be easier if we were all involved intimately but you certainly can't force that. That's a good reminder.

@ red pepper

I'm so glad that I'm able to be connected to the both of them. I think I would feel very strange if I never hung out with her or talked with her. I do very much enjoy time spent with the two of them.

@LovingRadiance

I like your arrangement. It sounds like helps eliminate any kind of double standard.

She and I talked a bit today and discussed how because she's never done this before (like myself) she's not really sure where her boundaries are yet. Esp. w/ this is hard to guess, I would imagine as she might think she's ok but then seeing it might make her feel differently. She left it at saying we could try whatever and she how comfortable she is with it. I personally would rather things to be more firmly laid out but I suppose that as long as things move slowly and respectfully we should be able to figure it out.
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:05 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I am the hinge in a V as well. The boys get along and talk about roleplaying and that kind of thing. It's a long distance relationship with y boyfriend, so my husband hasn't met him at this point (then again, neither have I).
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:20 PM
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I am the hinge in a V as well, but one of my loves is eight hours away, so the relationships are very seperate.

In the very near future though, I may become the arm of a V, as my live-in love is persuing another relationship. Currently, they are friends, but both have expressed interest in more. I haven't met her yet, but she is supposed to come over soon to meet me. It ought to be interesting, as she is not thrilled at all with sharing him with me. (He made it clear I am going nowhere, so she is willing to give this a try...)
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:30 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hello Ray,

The biggest thing I'd point out this early is for EVERYONE to keep in mind this is new to all of you !
It's a learning process and mistakes ARE going to be made !
Try to keep that in the forefront of your mind and commit to be gentle and understanding both with all of them AND yourself.

Remember, any discussion about "boundaries" is really a discussion about insecurities, fears, personal experience and beliefs. Any and ALL of those are going to have to bear a lot of scrutiny in the process. Expect some pain - but nobody take it personally. It's just part of the process, and if you can make it through the end result can be well worth it !

Be open minded about ALL your beliefs, willing to listen to other possibilities, and try to use sound logic in taking or holding any position on anything. As I mentioned, this is probably all new to everyone and learning, understanding and kindness are critical components.

Don't be in a hurry, talk until your jaw hurts and hug lots (everyone!)

GS
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Old 08-16-2010, 10:21 PM
Propast Propast is offline
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I have to second a lot of what GS says.

For experiences: I'm on one arm of a V. For us, it's worked best when we are all physically near each other and can keep a good friendship going between the "Arms". It helps us see each other as human beings instead of threats. (and we were friends before all this began anyway). It helps reinforce the bond between us all (although the two arms aren't romantically involved with each other, we're all in this together). The worst times were when we were all very separated geographically, and S traveled between us. Loneliness, exhaustion on all sides.

As to behavior when together, we've gone through wide differences over the years. Sometimes major smooching with one of us is okay while the other is around, sometimes it's too much. Mutual cuddling while watching a movie is comfortable and safe. Handholding, kissing goodbye, occasional light PDAs is usually fine. In this area, I'd recommend: don't overthink it, just try to be natural and enjoy the time, but listen to the body language and all be comfortable talking openly. Definitely avoid a "blame" feeling, that'll go downhill fast.
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Old 08-18-2010, 07:06 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
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I am in a V that most recently has turned into a Triad. There is a period of adjustment for all parties and communication is def most important thing during transition. I am with a married couple, he and I started dating a month ago and just recently we all started hanging out and her and I hit it off almost right away, we have a nice triad now, but balancing everyone is a bit tricky right now.
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