Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-08-2012, 04:14 PM
Trillian Trillian is offline
New Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2
Default Recently Open, Looking for Support

I recently came to the realization I have always been poly. I am bisexual, and have never hidden that fact. All of my relationships before my husband were poly in one nature or another. He was my first truly mono relationship and I have been totally faithful. After 5 years together I told my husband. He was hurt, more that I hadn't told him sooner than this is who I am.

He agreed to allow me to act upon what I feel is my nature. We're ironing out the fine print of what we're okay with. He's fine with women, but prefers they not be in our bed or house for sexual reasons. Men are alright as long as there is no penile penetration. My rules for women for him are to use protection from beginning to end, not in our home/bed, and a shower when he gets home. He understands I want more than just sex, but a real relationship.

I just wanted to know how other people began the journey after the difficult talk. What do your relationships look like now? Have rules changed? Any advice or input is appreciated.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2012, 11:05 PM
DsmEvolution DsmEvolution is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 16

First off, expect the rules to chance. Both of you will find that what you feel is acceptable will slowly grow to encompass more situations and people. When we first went open, we were allowed to do very little by ourselves, a little bit of kissing someone else and that was it. Now we are fully open and can do what we want on our own. That has now given way to broadening our interactions with others.

My partner has a few guys that he's close to, one of them that he spends the night with once or twice a week. I have a guy that I am seeing and it definitely looks like there is a genuine relationship starting.

Make sure you make "Communication is Key" as your new personal motto. Make sure your husband knows without a shadow of a doubt how much you still love him while you are embarking on your new relationship so that he knows that this new man is not a replacement.

A major rule that we have is that we do not start anything with someone new (Sexually or fledgling relationship) that we wouldn't not introduce to each other. For us, transparency and honesty is the key.

My current dream is that my new guy can meet my partner and become genuine friends and trust each other because they both have my best interest in mind and care for me.
DsmEvolution = Male / 33 / Gay Flexible / Open Relationship / With Primary partner for 12 years / Possible relationship starting with someone new. Details to come
Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2012, 08:19 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I don't have tons of relevant advice at the moment but just throwing out a (lot) of random thoughts about one specific aspect of it - you might want to talk about what will happen if one or both meet somebody and start dating them for awhile. If you can afford hotels that's great, but if not, it may limit your dating abilities if you can't bring people home for sexual reasons sometimes even if they become a fixture in your life.

We have a space at the other end of the house that is usable for dates, though I don't often choose to have them here if my husband is home for a number of reasons. I have run into the realization that most non single people have live in partners and/or kids and no privacy at home either, and just wanted to point out it would suck if you met somebody and started dating and then figured out neither of you had anywhere to go.

Years ago our my first agreement with that partner was if sex was at our house, change the sheets right after so they are clean when we go to bed together (original idea was no sex there but it only took a few weeks to realize it wasn't practical for us). It's the agreement in this relationship, too though our bed is only used when my husband is out of town as the last thing I feel like doing at the end of a date is laundry and bedmaking . Showering is just a polite things you do when you live with somebody unless they enjoy the idea you were just with somebody else (which certainly is a thing for plenty of people)

So yes, there will probably be some change, especially if you do want to have sex with men too at some point, which is the obvious issue where there's going to be lots of stuff to work on. Wishing you well!
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:21 PM.