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  #1  
Old 08-16-2010, 04:46 PM
Phisch Phisch is offline
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Default Help... I cant share

I have always considered myself as polyamorous. I didnt realize there was such a thing, since society teaches differently, until finally delving into the notion. I am currently involved in a monogamous relationship in which I brought up the idea of polyamory fairly early. I wasn't really interested in her being with other men but felt since I wanted to be with another woman/women on occasion, it would only be fair. We have a few friends that swing and have had discussions about the lifestyle. Up to this point nothing has happened with either of us. This weekend, while at a party and in the hot-tub, my GF was sitting next to a man who she thought was attractive. He's safe, very married and his wife was next to me. My GF whispered to me "Are you ok with this" while looking toward her hand. I realized she was stroking the man's crotch. He wasn't touching her but was clearly enjoying the attention. I was shocked but didn't stop her. Although not to be outdone, I began touching his wife as well but only her leg and thighs. I pretty much ended there but spurred some interesting emotions.

Sorry for the playboy story version but the background is important i think.

I realized that I am NOT OK with her being with another man. I have tried to be open to that possibility since I desire to be in other loving relationships openly, but I realize I will be unable to share her (*with a man). She and I talk very frankly and we talked in depth about all that happened. Although I was skeptical at first, she convinced me that it was fun for her to touch him because there was some control in that but there's no way she had any interest in him returning the touching. She didnt want to screw him. She really only wants to be with me and we have a very loving and healthy relationship so I believe this. His wife wasnt attractive to me so there was really no chance of that going further.

So here's the question (finally) ...Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man? Is this counter-intuitive to the ideas of polyamory? Do others live by these rules or feel the same way? It feels selfish of me to lay down that rule but I would rather not be with others that to share her with another man.

Your advice is welcome. Thanks in advance.
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  #2  
Old 08-16-2010, 05:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phisch View Post
Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man?
No, it is not fair. If you want to be with other women, it is only fair that she have the choice to be with other men.

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Is this counter-intuitive to the ideas of polyamory?
Yes, it is counter-intuitive to the "ideas of polyamory" for things to not be a "two-way street".

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Do others live by these rules or feel the same way?
There are other people who say they feel the same as you described.

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It feels selfish of me to lay down that rule but I would rather not be with others that to share her with another man.
Two-way street. You don't have the right to "lay down that rule". If she agrees to it, or if she is not interested in other men, then there is no need to "lay down the rule".

Let me ask you this - if you were to become involved with another woman, would you also expect Woman #2 to not be involved with any men besides yourself?

It sounds as though you require a "one penis policy". This can work only if it is what everyone involved wants. You can't dictate what someone else wants. The only thing you can control is yourself.
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  #3  
Old 08-16-2010, 05:07 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phisch View Post
I brought up the idea of polyamory fairly early. I wasn't really interested in her being with other men but felt since I wanted to be with another woman/women on occasion
It sounds from this that what you're looking for is a classic open relationship. You may confuse people if you identify as polyamorous, which is generally understood to be about having multiple ongoing romantic relationships, as opposed to being with other sexual partners "on occasion".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phisch View Post
Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man? Is this counter-intuitive to the ideas of polyamory? Do others live by these rules or feel the same way? It feels selfish of me to lay down that rule but I would rather not be with others that to share her with another man.
I think you get to ask for whatever you want, including "I want to be non-monogamous but want you to be monogamous." That arragement is... probably not going to sound very appealing to most people. But maybe it will work great for the two of you! And if she doesn't like the sound of it, you already know that you'd rather be monogamous than have an equally open relationship, so there's no issue there, either.

As an aside, I would say that yes, your relationship preferences do run counter to the relationship ideas of many poly- people, but I don't think that matters in any real way.
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:26 PM
Phisch Phisch is offline
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Thanks jkelly and Ygirl. You both pose some interesting points to contemplate. I think I have yet to define where I identify. If I was seeing another woman, I would be fine with the second GF seeing other men. The issue I have is with my Primary, the woman I love. So by definintion, I am not seeking "many loves" but more than one partner.
If I find another lover with the blessing of my GF (we'll cross that bridge eventually) I guess I don't know how I would feel if I fell in love with her and she still wanted to see others. It seems that since the relationship began with that premise, it would be OK for her, even if I did love her. The psychology of all of this is truly fascinating.
Ygirl, you make an excellent point that I can't "lay down the law" and since she isnt interested in another man, I wouldn't really have to. I explore this only because I have a strong sense of what's fair and equitable but now know I wouldnt be OK with sharing HER. I don't seem to have that same concern with her finding another GF though if she so chose.

It sounds as though I seek an "open relationship" and will reserve the right to re-define that later.

Thanks again.
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  #5  
Old 08-16-2010, 09:57 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think its really important to remember that generally "rules" are not going to be fair to all involved. "boundaries" create breathing room and are fluid, changable. You can request that she not have another male partner, that can be your boundary, but to make it a rule suggests that there is no negotiating that request. She might even say she doesn't want another man in her life, but when push comes to shove and her time with you is divided with another woman, she may just change her mind to get all her needs met.
I think its important to not get stuck in one definition. You are just figuring it all out, maybe leaving the definitions alone and just figuring out what YOU want and what SHE wants first. Then embrace it and make it your own. Perhaps poly definitions will fit. Perhaps not.
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Old 08-16-2010, 11:01 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phisch View Post
I realized that I am NOT OK with her being with another man....Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man?
You are asking for her to share you with another woman or women and she will have to deal with her emotions about that. Why don't you step up to the plate and deal with your emotions about her being with someone else. Get through it. I can't even believe you would ask this question.
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Old 08-16-2010, 11:40 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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When my wife and I first started talking about an open relationship, she sheepishly asked me "what if I wanted to go out with a guy I met?" I was actually shocked at the question. My shock was that she viewed all the conversation we had about this up to that point (many, many conversations over many months), as only about what I could do. Wow, talking about an eye opener on the importance of clear communication. I had gone into as a given that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander."

I think my problem with hearing your description is not about that sharing her is a problem for you, but in the way it is stated. It gives me the sense of blunt force versus partnership and negotiation. Those kind of hard edges can be very difficult to manage through, leave damage and engender quite a bit of resentment. Figuring out how to communicate your boundaries and discomfort in a way that is clear, open and encourages a full dialogue and self-expression is very important and hard when you're uncomfortable with an idea.

When I'm in that situation, I try hard to manage how I communicate my needs, that I allow for the idea of optionality in my partners willingness and ability to meet my needs, and convey the willingness to work towards a path that works for both of us. Coming in with hard edges to that discussion cuts more than it produces reasonable shared boundaries.

As stated before, instead of taking your unwillingess to share her at face value, ask yourself the question of whether you love her enough to get a deeper understanding of that unwillingess? Do you love her enough to explore the possibility? That doesn't mean you will. Just means you're willing to sign up for some hard emotional work and suspend judgment on what lays on the other side. You may be surprised by what underlies that discomfort. This self-insight may allow you to have more flexibility, draw the boundaries differently, or create new boundaries that better meet your needs while meeting hers.
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Last edited by MindfulAgony; 08-16-2010 at 11:45 PM.
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  #8  
Old 08-17-2010, 05:47 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phisch View Post
I have always considered myself as polyamorous. I didnt realize there was such a thing, since society teaches differently, until finally delving into the notion. I am currently involved in a monogamous relationship in which I brought up the idea of polyamory fairly early. I wasn't really interested in her being with other men but felt since I wanted to be with another woman/women on occasion, it would only be fair......

...I realized that I am NOT OK with her being with another man. I have tried to be open to that possibility since I desire to be in other loving relationships openly, but I realize I will be unable to share her (*with a man)...

...So here's the question (finally) ...Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man? Is this counter-intuitive to the ideas of polyamory? Do others live by these rules or feel the same way? It feels selfish of me to lay down that rule but I would rather not be with others that to share her with another man...
Is your wife bi-sexual such that she might be interested in adding a female love/lover to her life? If not......what you're wanting is called "polygyny"....not to be confused with polyamory. And personally, as a 55 year old female whose observed and been part of the struggles for women's rights, polygyny grinds me. As someone who lives in Utah, however, I won't deny that it's worked for..and been accepted...by many females. And I'd certainly defend their right to make that choice as I want the right to make mine.
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Old 08-17-2010, 09:19 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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My husband and I had a similar conversation and came to some good conclusions for us.

Initially it was:

Him: I don't want you with other men.
Me: I don't want you with other women.

I'm bi so it was no big deal for me but he's straight so that was an issue. So we talked about it and we learned some things.

For him: I am his wife and he's been cheating on by fiancees before and it all just hit a little too close to him. He's not proud of it but it's a gut reaction so he felt he needed to share.

For me: He has two children. A boy and a girl. When I have our first child it won't be his first. It'll be his first time being in the delivery room and going to all the appointments and being heavily involved (he wasn't aware of the first one till some time after the birth and distance was a factor with the second child) but it still won't be his first child boy or girl so I'm really anxious about him not being excited. Add that to the fact he's not a fan of condoms (he'll wear one if asked but generally that'll cut down on the sex for him...he'd rather go the "get tested together frequently and be faithful" route dicey i know...ick!) and I'm worried about someone else having his children, which is not something I'm willing to share. The mothers of his children have been really really mean...I'm 21 so in the beginning when I first met him I was a teen trying to handle a really adult situation ( two kids, two baby mamas, military) along with graduation and my dad being sick and they were CRUEL. And I'm just not in a place where I could share that again.

Basically (without the whole sob story) it boiled down to babies for us. It worked for us because 1) I'm not interested in other men anyway except for occassional instances and even that would be oral contact and 2) he wasn't really interested in other women; he's pretty solidly mono. Like...at the end of the day it wasn't the emotional contact we had issues with it was the physical and we got on the same pages about it.


Ask yourself WHY.
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  #10  
Old 08-18-2010, 02:10 PM
X-User1335 X-User1335 is offline
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I have to chime in on this one.

My husband and I have explored a poly relationship. We have found someone that makes our lives full.

There are "rules" that we have all laid down.

1. I won't see anyone else.

2. He won't see anyone else.

3. She won't see anyone else!

LOL. Okay, so that may not even be poly, I don't really know but what I do know is that it works for us. I don't want anyone other than the two of them, and they both feel the same way.

I am attracted to both men and women. So is our GF. Our man is only attracted to women. He would never, ever, under no circumstances be okay with either me or her finding another man, or even another woman.

Her and I are both okay with that because we both want this type of relationship. Neither of us want him to share us, except with one another.

So my advice is to find what works for you.

If you can't share her with a man, tell her that. And I don't think that you need to "get over it" either. I think that your feelings are your feelings and you need to share them with your girl so that she knows what you are okay with and what you aren't.

If she came to you and told her that it's not okay for you to do this or that, and that it would hurt her, you would listen and do what you can to make her comfortable right? Exactaly, she will to.
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