Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #211  
Old 07-11-2011, 08:23 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default

Thank you, both of you.

I am not startled that he wants to be together for the long haul. I certainly feel the same. I guess I am startled that he says this, but sees real distance (we're currently only 2 hours apart) as no obstacle to this goal. Well, as a much much smaller obstacle than I do.

He has told me before that I need to stop treating poly as a handicap to our relationship, as it were. Smart man. It does make some things more difficult. But perhaps not so bad as I see it in my head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
There is another part of this question when I put myself in his hypothetical shoes: he knows you have a husband and will likely have other lovers...so how much does he truly feel his absence in your life will impact you? Somewhere deep inside does he feel that you will find others to fill any void he creates? I think about this...I still can't relate to the loss of one partner in a multi-partnered relationship being as severe as the loss of one in a mono realtionship.
We have been over this. He has said that it must not be "as bad" as if he was my only relationship. I told him, "I have four cats. If one dies, I'm going to be pretty darn upset. One does not replace another." I think he understands it logically, but probably doesn't fully get it. Still.

I don't think he will form the types of social connections that can lead to relationships when he moves. He has been in his current location for about 6 months and doesn't have friends outside work. Really, has only one friend that he hangs out with outside of work. His profession has very low rates of employment for women. (I mean, LOW. I work in IT and I am saying LOW. ) He will live in remote, small towns, and has expressed to me a certain ... bias against the stereotypical remote, small town resident. He tends to do most of his "socializing" online. Has a lot of long distance friendships, actually.

I need to wait. Wait, enjoy what we have, and not put expectations on what we will have. And not compare it with what we "could" (in my mind) have.

On the plus side, it's going to be a real treat having him live with us. He's been up for extended visits the last few weekends, and is up this week for work, and it's just NICE. Another person to help around the house, someone else to talk to, someone that Indigo and I both just get along with. It will be additional income in the form of rent, which is also never a bad thing! I feel very good about the impending roommate arrangement. I just don't want to get too attached to that arrangement.
Reply With Quote
  #212  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:06 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default I think he's living with us ...

It occured to me yesterday that Mr. A didn't go home after his last visit. Not in a bad way. It's just, he came up and stayed. His clothes are here, his computer is here, his toiletries, etc. He still has to offically "move in" because his bed and whatnot is in the other city. But everything else he cares about has made its way to our home.

Yeah ... very odd. I thought it would feel different. We're all just going on about life, no clap of thunder or anything like that.

Yeah ... haha. I can't stress how strangely uneventful it feels.
Reply With Quote
  #213  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:45 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post

Yeah ... haha. I can't stress how strangely uneventful it feels.
I experienced the same thing although I'm in a separate suite. The excitement of painting and shaping a new space overode any other feelings. I think that uneventful feeling is much better than some reality blurring NRE.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #214  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:08 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I experienced the same thing although I'm in a separate suite. The excitement of painting and shaping a new space overode any other feelings.
Indigo and I got the spare room tidied up. It previously had some of our stuff in it, with a blow up mattress and Mr. A's things crammed into where ever they'd fit.

I cleared out the closet, hung up his clothes, Indigo put up a curtain rod and proper curtain (has blinds, but Mr. A can't sleep in when it's light) and moved the computer ... I then rearranged the room, added a nightstand and lamp, since anything bigger than clothing has not yet made the trip, and remade the bed. It's the first time that room has looked like a bedroom since we moved in. I really like it. I had been worried until then that the space would not be enough for him, but it's very nice. I would certainly live in it, so I feel comfortable with him living in it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I think that uneventful feeling is much better than some reality blurring NRE.
Yes, those were my thoughts, too.


Indigo has been quite wonderful ... he's putting a new lighting fixture in that room today. He let Mr. A know and checked that it was okay for him to go into the room.

Actually, I'm happy that we're all being cognizant of each other's space. I slept in the master bedroom last night, and this morning I tapped at Mr. A's door. He didn't answer, so I went downstairs, turned the coffee on, and a little while later sent him a text asking if he wanted me to bring coffee. He said yes. He also said I am always welcome in his room, but I will certainly be knocking when the door is closed. Our house isn't small (1400 sq. ft.), but could easily feel that way if we're not careful.
Reply With Quote
  #215  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:10 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Very cool update TP. Indigo is a gem and Mr A seems like a rare find as well. Keep them secret, keep them safe
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #216  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:12 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Very cool update TP. Indigo is a gem and Mr A seems like a rare find as well. Keep them secret, keep them safe
*blush*
Reply With Quote
  #217  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:32 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,754
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
. . . I went downstairs, turned the coffee on, and a little while later sent him a text asking if he wanted me to bring coffee.
Ah, modern living!
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry
Reply With Quote
  #218  
Old 07-18-2011, 07:34 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Ah, modern living!
Haha! I never used to be one of "those", either. I got a cell just over a year ago. First one ever.
Reply With Quote
  #219  
Old 07-21-2011, 12:22 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,000
Default *warm fuzzies*

I am happy. Everyone is happy.

Indigo is off for the summer (school board employee). He's been doing lots of little and not-so-little things around the house that have just been sort of collecting. It's such a relief to know he's taking care of things here while I'm at work. If I made more money, I would love to have him home all the time (and he would, too). I love my househusband.

Mr. A has had a few days off of work. He's been helping Indigo. It's wonderful. I get updates throughout the day about what they're doing and their little jokes. Indigo is putting in that extra bit of effort to let me know he's happy with the living arrangements, too. He's told Mr. A that he's very happy to have him with us. Mr. A has said he's happy to be with us.

I know Mr. A is stressing about money. He's working, but not much, and hasn't been paid yet. Indigo and I are supporting him with everyday things, while his parents are covering larger expenses, such as his recent car repair. He must feel like he'll never be on top of it all right now. We all agreed on a number for rent, but when he's not bringing money in, and he's obviously not spending frivolously the money he does have, we are sympathetic. Indigo has lost his job a couple of times since we've been together, due to circumstances beyond his control, (the most epic loss was two hours after we signed our mortgage papers for the house; luckily my salary was enough to secure the funding), so he has a lot of compassion from his own experiences.

That said, we certainly aren't going to let Mr. A martyr himself (and by extension us) for his chosen career. We told him straight up when the moving discussions occurred that we would give him three months free, but then he was expected to find another job, ANY job, that would allow him to contribute to the household in a financial way. And true to his word, he's found a flexible full-time job that he will be starting August 1. And that's way ahead of schedule. He's an honorable man.

I know moving someone in when they're not financially independent is generally a bad idea, but I think we've done a good job of it. And you know what? I'm proud of us. This isn't exactly something there's an instruction manual on.

I know I had more to say, but I'm pretty frazzled right now. My only complaint has been the terrible sleep I've been having. Not only am I getting used to someone else's sleep schedule when I sleep with Mr. A, I am moving back and forth between two very different beds - a blow up mattress (granted a nice one) and a super-comfy Serta. Oh, and Indigo and I just replaced our mattress, so the super-comfy Serta is the opposite of our hard, lumpy, ten year old previous mattress.

Right now, I've been trying a schedule of alternating nights between the men. (I don't have my own bed, which I could invite them to. Not an option. We don't have the space.) I'm wondering if I need to change that schedule to every two nights. That would at least give me time to get reacquainted with the bed on the first night, and a better sleep on the second. Not sure. If anyone reading has suggestions, or would like to enlighten me as to their own schedules, it would be much appreciated.

The men are happy with a 50/50 split, and however that's split (two days for one, two for the other, or every other night) they don't mind. They've said whatever I need to feel the best is fine with them. Damn, look at all this communication! Haha.

There will be more posts to follow, when I have the time and can properly frame my thoughts, about the progress Indigo and I are making toward becoming sexually intimate again. Regular readers will have picked up on issues from both of us in the past. About two months ago we decided to try counseling, and it's helping. Slow and steady; we're not in immediate danger, only if we let things fester and aren't actively working on our relationship. Not to worry. We will fix this. There is much love between us and complete willingness to work at it and be patient. I couldn't ask for more!
Reply With Quote
  #220  
Old 07-21-2011, 08:25 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I am happy. Everyone is happy.

I know I had more to say, but I'm pretty frazzled right now. My only complaint has been the terrible sleep I've been having. Not only am I getting used to someone else's sleep schedule when I sleep with Mr. A, I am moving back and forth between two very different beds - a blow up mattress (granted a nice one) and a super-comfy Serta. Oh, and Indigo and I just replaced our mattress, so the super-comfy Serta is the opposite of our hard, lumpy, ten year old previous mattress.

Right now, I've been trying a schedule of alternating nights between the men. (I don't have my own bed, which I could invite them to. Not an option. We don't have the space.) I'm wondering if I need to change that schedule to every two nights. That would at least give me time to get reacquainted with the bed on the first night, and a better sleep on the second. Not sure. If anyone reading has suggestions, or would like to enlighten me as to their own schedules, it would be much appreciated.

The men are happy with a 50/50 split, and however that's split (two days for one, two for the other, or every other night) they don't mind. They've said whatever I need to feel the best is fine with them. Damn, look at all this communication! Haha.

There will be more posts to follow, when I have the time and can properly frame my thoughts, about the progress Indigo and I are making toward becoming sexually intimate again. Regular readers will have picked up on issues from both of us in the past. About two months ago we decided to try counseling, and it's helping. Slow and steady; we're not in immediate danger, only if we let things fester and aren't actively working on our relationship. Not to worry. We will fix this. There is much love between us and complete willingness to work at it and be patient. I couldn't ask for more!
FUNNY STUFF IN BOLD! This cracked me up...the sleeping problems, the description of the mattresses, the fact that was the complaint...I love it! Can't wait to read about you and Indigo's progress on intimacy etc. Living vicariously here, and hoping this happens for me someday!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
blog, comminication, depression, new to poly, nre, personal growth, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:04 PM.