Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #201  
Old 07-08-2011, 11:51 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Feedhercandy View Post
So very very badly. It sounds amazing. Yes, I'm sure challenging at times etc etc. But, holy cow. Kudos to you and your's.
It's not perfect and it's likely only for the next three months, until the next time Peace River is hiring.

And then I have no idea what will happen to our relationship. It's been a rough week.

Happy anniversary, Mr. A.
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 07-10-2011, 05:05 PM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
And then I have no idea what will happen to our relationship. It's been a rough week.

Happy anniversary, Mr. A.
Must be in the air...hoping for the best TP!
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 07-11-2011, 12:47 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Must be in the air...hoping for the best TP!
Thanks. We're going to get through it. I just had to come to terms with the fact that my dreams are not his right now, but we do share the dream of wanting to have a relationship together.
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 07-11-2011, 05:15 AM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
I just had to come to terms with the fact that my dreams are not his right now, but we do share the dream of wanting to have a relationship together.
Funny you put it that way. 2rings and I have had similar talks recently. And I feel extreme guilt at times that he and I are not in sync when it comes to what our dreams of the future are. We also share the dream of wanting a more shared existence, living together, but I am not sure I want all of what that entails. At least not right now. I know KT does not want it at all. I feel so bad about him worrying that it may not happen. I feel bad about contributing to his anxiety about it, his sadness. I know we love eachother immensely and that there is no future without him in it; but, I do wonder if we will ever get the whole enchilada. Know what I mean? It is frustrating for all of us in different ways to have so many setbacks. It is heartbreaking to revisit the same jealousies and insecurities. On my blog NYCIndie spoke about expectations being the root of resentment. There is something to that I think. I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy, and what works in my relationship with 2rings, so I completely empathize with the frustration you are going thru right now. It is hard to think of a future without having some expectations. It is even more difficult to have expectations directly impacted by someone else's agenda or plans of their future. It is a complicated thing when all of the players are not on the same page of the playbook.
Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 07-11-2011, 11:40 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

I did read NYCI's post and was certainly able to draw a few parallels to my own life!

He has said he will be able to eventually "settle down", as in not moving every year or two to the middle of nowhere. It would be major cities, and longer durations.

We had all discussed relocation with him, for his next job, but the more we talked the more ridiculous it sounded to me. Giving up two good jobs (Indigo and me), a house (I'm only 26, but have been a homeowner for 2 years and I'm proud of that!), family, incurring moving costs, dealing with the half dozen pets, etc. ... At one point, Indigo asked what was in it for him. Well, absolutely nothing. And to be honest, not much more for me. Why would I want to deal with all of those things when Mr. A will only have a job that barely supports him?

He says he will keep loving me, but I am afraid that it will fade, and he'll be able to find someone who can follow him, who doesn't have the complication of a poly relationship ... He says he wouldn't be looking, and if anyone was interested, that could be stopped with a simple, "I have a girlfriend." He says I have set the bar high, and wants me in his life for the rest of his life.

I can't decide if that's terribly nave of him, or if it's a mono thing. Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

At any rate, we have set some boundaries out, I've adjusted my expectations, and we are just taking it slowly. He's moving in soon. Hah. That's been the easy part, working out boundaries and expectations amongst the three of us while he's here. The hard part is the after.
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 07-11-2011, 02:52 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.

.
I'm not sure what you are looking for TP. A long term forecast if you are living in two cities?
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 07-11-2011, 04:41 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
He says he will keep loving me, but I am afraid that it will fade, and he'll be able to find someone who can follow him, who doesn't have the complication of a poly relationship ... He says he wouldn't be looking, and if anyone was interested, that could be stopped with a simple, "I have a girlfriend." He says I have set the bar high, and wants me in his life for the rest of his life.

I can't decide if that's terribly nave of him, or if it's a mono thing. Mono, if you're reading, please feel free to chime in! I've been trying to figure out what my question is, exactly; I've wanted to post on the forum.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'm not sure what you are looking for TP. A long term forecast if you are living in two cities?
I think what TP's saying is she can't quite believe he wouldn't look for someone else if he was far away.

Correct me if I'm wrong, TP, but it's like you're a bit stunned by his "declaration" of wanting you in his life forever -- or you're afraid to let yourself believe something that sounds too good to be true. So you're saying to yourself, "is he really so nave? Or is that how it is to be monogamous?" Probably also you're wondering "can he really love me that much?" and "can I count on him being a part of my life no matter where he is and where we go? Really???"

I think all those thoughts and fears are natural. We, most of us, usually have the hardest time when our dreams come true. We're so used to disappointments, large and small, that we don't know what to do with ourselves when we have what we want -- or rather, more than we ever could have hoped for. Those doubts are just tapes we play in our head to protect ourselves from possible hurts. Know that they are playing, but you don't have to pay credence to them.

Keep breathing, TP. Revel in the good stuff.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 07-11-2011, 04:56 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Correct me if I'm wrong, TP, but it's like you're a bit stunned by his "declaration" of wanting you in his life forever -- or you're afraid to let yourself believe something that sounds too good to be true. So you're saying to yourself, "is he really so nave? Or is that how it is to be monogamous?" Probably also you're wondering "can he really love me that much?" and "can I count on him being a part of my life no matter where he is and where we go? Really???"
A little bit of everything, but especially what I've bolded. For me, when he moves to the middle of nowhere and we start being able to only see each other a few times a year, my love will ... not fade, but just become less IN MY FACE. I won't stop loving him, but I certainly won't be thinking about him quite so often. I've been in this sort of situation before.

I don't stop loving, so if he is then able to come back into my life in a more significant way, it would not take me long to be back to the old way of loving. I have heard people on here compare love to a trail to the heart. If he goes away, that trail may become overgrown, but it will still very much exist. And with a little work, can be back to what it was.

I guess I wonder how separated a mono might have to be to lose enough connection that they are able to form a new one?

I'm pretty sure I'm making WAY too many generalizations ... *sigh*
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 07-11-2011, 05:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,277
Default

Beloved and I only see each other about 4-5 times a year. We budget to fly to see each other - that is a financial priority for which we sacrifice. We talk on the phone every single day, often more than once. And we text and email each other constantly.

So far this has worked for us. It's not easy. In fact, it frequently sucks ass. Of course, there are no guarantees in any relationship and that's especially so for long distance ones. However, being far away is vastly better than the alternative - breaking up.

So my positive advice is to start talking now about how you and Mr. A and Indigo will maintain your connection.

However, you seem kind of startled that Mr. A wants to be in your life for a lifetime. Is this a new development? Would it be less startling if he was going to remain in your area?

You also seem to know about yourself that you may have trouble maintaining connection when a loved one is not in your face but when that person is around again, the connection returns. It certainly seems possible to maintain a healthy relationship with this kind of off-on again when in contact model. But I can also see where that kind of intermittent connection ultimately frays.

Think hard about if you are well-suited to be in long distance relationships - not everyone is and you may not be. And on pain of being all psychological, your concerns about Mr. A being monogamous and eventually wanting someone closer, might be partly a reflection of your own worries about maintaining a long distance relationship.

But you have the time and love needed to figure this out.
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 07-11-2011, 06:08 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post

I guess I wonder how separated a mono might have to be to lose enough connection that they are able to form a new one?
It's ok to generalize some times when you are looking for an answer.

As a mono, and a sailor, I was separated from my ex wife for long spans of time; six month blocks or 200 days away througout the year. I was on missions though so it's not like I was integrating into a new community and forming a new social circle.

When I left home I was still in a relationship with the woman I had an affair with but because she was very busy with other aspects of her life I began to lose that connection. There was other circumstances that made me distant from her but by the time RP came along we had not seen each other for any amount of time in 4 months. I had formed a new social circle and was open for a new connection to form with someone. In came Redpepper and, being mono as I am, the final remnants of romantic connection with this other woman were swept away. That's how it works for me..no overlap, no division of affection. I still have loving concern for my ex wife and this other woman but it is the kind of love that I have for dear friends.

I have plenty of friends who have left thier family for one or two year periods because they didn't want to disrupt the entire family for a military posting. They would come home every month or so just like a LDR I guess. They didn't wander (I'm sure some do and know a couple who have).

Mr A is going to a place to build a career and a lot of newness will also come into his life in the area of social circles and friends. But how his heart will respond only he knows...and even he doesn't know that yet as he hasn't experienced this situation in reality.

IMHO "To generalize"...a mono person in a social circle far from thier loved one is likely to form a new connection just like a poly person. There is, however, a lot more mono identified partners that they are likely to pair up with....which creates difficulty for a mono/poly situation. There is another part of this question when I put myself in his hypothetical shoes: he knows you have a husband and will likely have other lovers...so how much does he truly feel his absence in your life will impact you? Somewhere deep inside does he feel that you will find others to fill any void he creates? I think about this...I still can't relate to the loss of one partner in a multi-partnered relationship being as severe as the loss of one in a mono realtionship.

Tuff questions my friend. I wouldn't bother thinking about them and just trust that we end up exaclty where we are all meant to be for some reason.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
blog, comminication, depression, new to poly, nre, personal growth, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:21 AM.