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  #951  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:54 PM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Onwards and upwards, LB turns 8 today....
8 years together ! That's something to celebrate
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  #952  
Old 05-19-2011, 09:55 PM
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8 years together ! That's something to celebrate
8 year old. LB is her son
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  #953  
Old 05-19-2011, 10:00 PM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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8 year old. LB is her son
Yes, I know. When my son turned 10 last year, I felt incredibly lucky to have had 10 years to share with such an amazing person.

That's the way I think of his birthdays now
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  #954  
Old 05-20-2011, 07:23 AM
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Thanks Sage... and all.... no PMS Mags thanks for asking...

The birthday went great. What a great day. LB had his uncle come and Derby dropped him off a gift before Derby. She is a love. I told her I didn't want to talk today as I haven't been doing well. She was very respectful of that. It was great to wrap my arms around her tonight though.

Off camping tomorrow for three nights. One night I have to come back to town to go to a burlesque show. One night its just Mono, LB and I and the other will be with Leo and family... he cut the time down a bit and we have other friends coming out that night too... should be okay I think.

I have that over invested feeling again that I hate... self hatred isn't helping and an over all confusion about what kind of roll I have in my life and with others and at my job. I'm just confused, hurt, feel mistreated and have resigned myself to self hate and hermitting my feelings...

Maybe if I stand very still I will disappear and no one will see me. Or maybe I should take my leave in all areas of my life that cause pain and go elsewhere... thing is, its the same everywhere and I have done that before... it doesn't work. I used to move all the time to different cities and start again, then groups, now I will just bury, bury, bury. Oh ya, and hoard, hoard, hoard....

I wouldn't be able to take on any change in my relationships as a result of this... if PN got a girlfriend for instance I would be a jealous and seething mess of bitchiness and bossiness. I totally get when people come here and are working through that in their lives. If they felt like I do right now, then I can totally relate. Don't you dare think I can share any of them... don't like that, don't like myself, don't like that I allow others and life to affect me this way sometimes.
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  #955  
Old 05-20-2011, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It was great to wrap my arms around her tonight though.


Quote:
One night I have to come back to town to go to a burlesque show.
Knock 'em dead.

Quote:
don't like that I allow others and life to affect me this way sometimes.
HUGS! Don't be so hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done, so more HUGS!
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  #956  
Old 05-21-2011, 05:13 PM
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First night camping and Leo isn't here yet. They decided to come today instead as it would be too rushed. Tonight I am going to a burlesque show, with Derby, to support a friends first time so no adult time with out kids today. PN stayed home last night too. He was pooped from his week. I just sent him a huge list of things to bring as we got rained on last night and froze! Such is life in a rain forest. Always damp.

Had some hot sexy fire time with Mono though. We have never had alone camping time (LB was asleep). I love those big ass camping chairs that hold 500 lbs. for big asses and lots of asses

I had a really long and much needed and appreciated PM yesterday that was very timely. Even though Leo is late I am calm and unworried as a result. He texted me throughout the night and was obviously disappointed. Also disappointed I won't be here tonight. I hate that my feelings of being loved are coming from that rather than being told I am, getting a hug or by his being present, but I am trying to see it as perhaps he does and realize that texting is love to him. So be it I'm good for now.

Waiting for PN and Leo and LB's friends to arrive, and Leo's wife too of course. Rain stopped, sun please
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  #957  
Old 05-26-2011, 11:51 PM
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So its been a few days and I feel really content with all my relationships.

I understand, or shall I say have re-understood how Leo's wife works. He is very concerned for her emotional well being and looks over her in that way it seems. He spends a lot of time looking to her to see if she is okay. When she is, he looks at me. I figure that where things went array for me is that I don't ever hang out with her. I got lost in the fact that I couldn't remember what she is like. I suck at not being near people.

There is more to it than that and I have come to realize again that I can't have my needs met from him in terms of continual reassurance. I just have to realize that and trust. So I am doing that as best I can. Spending so much time together has really helped that.

Derby took me out of the woods to go to a show this weekend that my friend was in. I didn't really want to leave as it was cozy and warm by the fire, but I paid for a ticket and Derby had come out to get me and I had some time with her first and I said I would. I'm not sure I will do that again though, it was a lot of effort with little appreciation I think. Why do I do that shit!? Most people would just bow out and be all apologetic, me, I said I would come and I did damn it! Even if it meant others were disappointed and I am doing something I don't really want to do.

I seemed to of made my friend uncomfortable some how and she won't tell me how until we see each other in person... I have a hard time with that and don't do well with waiting for that kind of information. Sigh... I just have to wait.

On the work front... it sucks. I likely will be on strike soon, have lost a staff member I have known for 7 years and we will be getting up to three new clients. *STRESS*... I just want to get through my work day and make happy fun events of every kind for everyone to enjoy and be delighted that people show up. Oh if this were so easy... I seem to step on toes and cross over into other peoples domain sometimes...what ever that is about. It makes me feel unappreciated, misunderstood, and pretty much like giving up. Still, I carry on and am compelled to continue my self care in this way. I organize stuff, what can I say. It makes me happy.

Another big burlesque show coming up that I have started in on. I am getting to know the women I am working with and they are all lovely and interesting... I am enjoying their company and loving that stage of un-connected connectedness. If that makes sense. It's like NRE but with friends I think.

Summer is turning into a gong show. I am so grateful for the things I have planned and for the people attending. There are some things that are likely going to fall through though and that makes me feel sad. I find it really hard to justify putting effort into some things that are just not going to bring any fun along with them right now. I much prefer to leave the work behind when I actually leave my paying job. Staying at home with my lovelies is looking more and more appealing these days. I am finding it hard to appreciate much else right now...

Not much poly to this post. Sorry,,, I guess life is not always about working on poly stuff, but just living it.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-23-2012 at 07:29 AM. Reason: spelling
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  #958  
Old 05-28-2011, 06:19 AM
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So I have been reading up on dominant women, of which I thought I was until I read... What I have been reading is more in general how dominant women can be identified a certain way such as the bitchy one at the office, or the woman that has to control everyone and everything and it just doesn't fit me. I am not that woman...

Is it my poly that just doesn't fit the D/s roles for me or me that doesn't fit the dom role correctly. Or am I missing something here?

I mean, I am not at all interested in controlling everyone and everything. I do a lot of organizing of others and enjoy that, but I love being invited out and my time being taken care of at times. I don't want to control anyone at all except in play. In fact I avoid it more than most people. I just find it causes un-necessary drama and I abhor drama of any kind...

Its not all that poly to me to think that I have any kind of say over others lives and what they do. I don't get what people do a lot of the time, but its not my business and I chose to be involved or not. I would get involved if I thought there were a good reason.... not because I want to control people. Does that make sense?

So where does that leave me? I'm not in the least bit able to stand anyone asserting any kind of authority over me. Any sign of dominance over me leads to immediate anger and fight or flight. I am in no way in need of being told what to do and will not tolerate being asked to do something for someone simply to get off on doing it. I will do it if I can see they are in need or if I am being giving, not because I am simply told that is their will.... all I have to say to that is "fuck you, do it yourself."

At work I avoid being managed altogether and as my manager seems to be intimidated (?unsure that is the right word?) by me, it works just great. I am a hard and competent worker and know where my position is, but I am in know way putting any "boss" in any kind of position where they are on a petistile. Most of the time I think they are crazy for taking on the extra work because they think they might have control. That kind of control leads to no control and people going underground. I know, because I am the first to admit I go underground to get my needs met at work. This scenario fits many areas of life actually... I am like this with everyone.

If I don't like them bossing me around I go underground and avoid. Some dominant woman that is! At least according to my reading lately. I would be challenging people who try and boss me around no?

Anyway, I don't know now what the hell...
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  #959  
Old 05-28-2011, 10:19 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Being dominant certainly doesn't mean you need to be bitchy. Actually I'd think the bitchy ones are those who don't have the presence and need the bitching.
Not to mention, being dominant in the bedroom doesn't have to be reflected anywhere else. There is no reason to treat everybody the way you treat your sexual partners.
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  #960  
Old 05-28-2011, 03:40 PM
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The problem with literature on dominance, is that it only has two directions to come from.

- Personal experience as a influence.
- Depending on the facets, or 'public face' people show, not who they actually are.

Either way, it boils down to perception. Discussions on it, are about as reliable as discussions on how 3 yr old boys act. Or how a wife should act,...etc....

You are just fine. It`s about the strength you feel inside yourself, and how it plays out naturally.

Many confuse narcissism with dominance. Which then gets confused with leadership.
.....and that is why we have so many idiots running around claiming to be 'alpha-master-domina-to-all-who-breathe'.

That is just being an asshole. Same as any other.

If I had a dime, for every person who thinks they are some alpha-god. *yawn*


I`d say you are a leader. You enjoy leading. Even if, the chips are down, and people pull back,..you still know to lead yourself.

You have a ability to have fun with dominance and you do it for good, not evil. You don`t do it out of a perceived fear.


Don`t worry about what some literature says. The best read I have had in 2 months, was a paper some university in Canada did on how damaging 'self-help' and 'identity' books are.
Seemed pretty accurate to me.
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